Refusing to do petty things

[Caniplssssss]

I've reached this point with DH. I know it sounds petty but it's really winding me up.

Basically DH will leave certain things to me, or ask them of me and it gets my back up because there's no reason why he can't do them.

For example, asking me to open DSDs bank account. I opened one for our child a while ago and ever since he's pecked my head about opening DSDs as if he doesn't own a pair of hands and a brain himself. I haven't done it because I'm busy myself and I think just open your own child's account for goodness sake!

It's the same with things like pictures. If I put up a picture of DCs nursery photo or something it's none stop 'can we put one up of DSD etc etc..' I get that, I have no problem with that but just do it then! Why are you asking me to do it as if you can't?! (There are pics of DSD up btw from when we moved in but he hasn't added new ones).

Basically now anything like that I just don't do. I say 'yes sure' and then leave it. If he wants to do it he is a capable grown man. I just feel like he expects me to be in the traditional mother/woman role for his DC and therefore he just provides me with expectations and I'm supposed to do it. Like I do it for our DC so I must do it for DSD.

I have absolutely ZERO problem with him putting up pictures of DSD or opening her an account or any of the other things this happens with, but my foot goes down as soon as the expectation is laid on me. It really winds me up, it just reeks of pure laziness or like I say traditional female "roles".

Basically if he sees me do something normal for DC he expects me to do it for DSD or says things like "can we do X Y or Z for DSD" but then doesn't do it himself, just waits... Assuming I'll do it.

Not petty, he's trying to outsource his parenting to you. Continue as you were.

As he is part of 'we' then yes 'we' can. And when he does it, it will be done.

Yep! But I know (and so does he) that he means me when he says we.

OP

Sometimes I think offense is the best defense.
I would keep doing nothing, and if he brings it up, call him sexist. And then explain with your arguments above.
But definitely start with (and keep repeating) the sexist bit. He'll hopefully be so offended in his amour propre that he'll actually be on the backfoot.

I opened our DC’s savings accounts. He asked about doing the same for DSD who was now an adult, I said that was up to him. He didn’t bother. When DSD found out out DC had savings accounts she was upset and I reminded him that I’d suggested he do it when she was younger and he could have saved for her but didn’t bother. We had exactly the same with photos except I did print some of DSD but I did a montage and he said there weren’t enough of her in it, remember she is now an adult. I said he was welcome to do his own. He didn’t. So I’m with you OP.

Ps. For much more serious reasons than the above we are now divorced.

I used to do all the family gifts for Christmas and birthdays and then decided to stop. I would then remind him of birthday dates etc but wouldn’t present him with a card to sign and a wrapped present anymore. His nieces and nephews, for example, never got another present as far as I know. And his mum and dad would get phone calls instead of cards/gifts. The above is on him.

I'd say "Of course! Go on then" every single time.

Yeah I've said to him before feel free to do it yourself then. He doesn't though. Then I usually get on repeat 'we really need to do DSDs bank account, put her picture up, do X or whatever it is'

He’s being unreasonable wanting you to set up the bank account. Can you as a step-parent even open an account for your DSD? Surely it has to be done by a parent.

Continue with the feel free to do it yourself, however when he eventually repeats back that "we really do need..." that is the right time to say "No. YOU need ..."

You have another child. Treat/train him as one.

So he's not doing anything for either of his children let alone just dsc?

I trained DH in this early on in the relationship using your approach. I had to sit down with him once to discuss it as I'm not 100% sure he was doing it as he might have reverted to the old days when he lived with their mum or something. He got the message. Have you spelt it out to your DP?

When did you realise how pointless and sexist he is?

When I went down this road with my EXDsp, he decided I was not doing things for DSC because I didn't like him/hated him. Be warned and don a hard hat, this will be the next accusation that is thrown at you.

Yep has to be a parent.

Did you post about the bank account before?

Anyway, just keep saying "yes, sure". And do nothing.

No! Is there another CF?!

There are loads of them so threads seem to repeat themselves....

I honestly think this type of man is just a chancer. They really couldn't give a shit or not whether their kid had a bank account/birthday party/whatever but they think, " well I might as well ask Caniplsssss to do it and if she does, bonus, but I aint bothered enough to do it myself and i've got nothing to lose by asking"

In short, if they really cared, they'd do it.

I have no advice because I got rid of the man but solidarity sister.

I felt like I couldn't even speak to DC without my ex jumping down my throat about not saying the same thing to SC. It was bloody exhausting

however when he eventually repeats back that "we really do need..." that is the right time to say "No. YOU need"

When my DH used to ask stuff like "what are we buying my mum for Christmas?" I'd reply
"is that WE meaning me or WE meaning you?"

Then I usually get on repeat 'we really need to do DSDs bank account, put her picture up, do X or whatever it is'

Start saying “no you need to, I don’t know why you’re suggesting anyone else would?” I think his sexist brain is struggling with your responses not being explicit enough. Not your fault but start pushing back loudly and clearly. He needs to feel uncomfortable about his entitled ways to start thinking twice before attempting to take the absolute piss because you’ve got a vagina and he thinks his penis gets in the way of admin and parenting. Next time he starts up raise your voice and say “stop asking me to do things for you, I’ve got enough on my plate”. Alternatively start listing stuff you want him to do and then bang on incessantly till he does it.

Tbh I think this is a pretty big deal, I’d stop fancying my husband if he tried to pull this crap with me. I’m not his staff. He’s not mine and we’re a team. I wouldn’t stand for anything less.