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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS question & new baby

267 replies

Rosebella215 · 16/08/2022 13:42

Hi all,
This may go down like a lead balloon, as all CMS questions seem to, but we are really after some helpful advice please.
My partner & I had lived together for 3 years and are expecting this October :) He has a DSD (8) who he pays his ex child maintenance for. This was never done officially through CMS, at the beginning of their split they sat down using the CMS calculator, worked out the rough number of nights he would be having DSD, with his salary etc and the payment roughly came to £435 (which he rounded up to £450), and he has been paying this for 4 years now (no issues).
Since we knew we were expecting, he would like to have this taken into account with CMS as it will help massively with costs etc. Based on the previous figures of how much he has DSD, this puts the amount at around £380 a month (he did actually add up an average figure of how much we have DSD over the past 4 years and it does technically trickle into the next bracket, which again would reduce payments further, but we aren't going to rock the boat too much with this, as would mean payments would be around £150 less).
He approached this with his ex, and shared the CMS calculation of £380, and she has kicked off threatening with legal action.
What are the next steps with this please? Can the CMS be reduced? Does my partner go through the official CMS route now?
Thank you!

OP posts:
LadyCluck · 16/08/2022 13:46

Yes it can be reduced so of course she’s kicked off.

If your partner wants this done officially then yes, he can go down the CMS route.

LadyCluck · 16/08/2022 13:48

Be prepared that the ex may start messing around with how many days he now has his child (then again, she may not). My DH’s ex did this to try and get him to pay more.
Get all arrangements in writing as of now. Don’t do anything verbally.

c3pu · 16/08/2022 13:48

On what legal basis is she threatening action? Doesn't sound like there's anything she can legally object to.

Catfordthefifth · 16/08/2022 13:50

There's nothing she can do, just go through the CMS. She may well try and withhold access if she's that way inclined.

NorthernSpirit · 16/08/2022 13:50

What is she going to take legal action on??!!

He should go through the CMS if the EX is being difficult. He can then decide once he has the official figure if he wants to pay / contribute more.

Is there a concern she will stop contact if the payment is reduced? If so - get a contact order.

Good luck.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 13:54

It sounds like there is nothing she can legally do.

However, paying less will impacts his daughter’s quality of life. There will be things that she has now that she won’t be able to have any more. Hopefully it will just be a case of less savings or stopping ballet lessons and not a case of eating vs heating but I don’t know his ex’s financial position.

Unless you are expecting his ex to pay more because you and he chose to have another baby?

Catfordthefifth · 16/08/2022 14:08

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 13:54

It sounds like there is nothing she can legally do.

However, paying less will impacts his daughter’s quality of life. There will be things that she has now that she won’t be able to have any more. Hopefully it will just be a case of less savings or stopping ballet lessons and not a case of eating vs heating but I don’t know his ex’s financial position.

Unless you are expecting his ex to pay more because you and he chose to have another baby?

You realise that when couples have more than one child their money has to spread further? Or is it just stepchildren who's lifestyle must be preserved?

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 14:14

Can they compromise on £400 or him having DS an extra night?

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 14:14

Sorry DSD

Hapoydayz · 16/08/2022 14:15

The CMS amount is the absolute minimum the government expects the NRP to pay. I guess if you’re struggling that’s all you can do. I don’t understand the mentality that if he can afford it to not want to give more to support his DD.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2022 14:19

There’s nothing she can do. Is contact a private arrangement or official?

Lilithslove · 16/08/2022 14:49

I can understand why she isn't happy about the amount that she gets being reduced, why would she be? However, your child is of equal importance to the first child and also needs to be provided for.

Going through the official CMS route means that the amount is non-negotiable and ensures that all children are taken into account. I also echo posters comments about considering a contact order if you you have any worries that contact might be withheld.

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2022 14:55

I don’t understand the mentality that if he can afford it to not want to give more to support his DD.

If it is him paying it, yes. Often on here, we find that DP is paying maintenance to his ex, but paying nothing/little towards the costs of both him and his existing children living under the current roof. If the OP would like some financial support at the point where she is not earning temporarily, I can quite see that point of view.....

PeekAtYou · 16/08/2022 15:03

It's understandable that she is angry and I suspect that she has threatened legal action because she doesn't realise that a new baby means less on the CMS maintenance calculator. If you and your dp break up then the maintenance is divided by 2 so she will get even less.

Technically your dp isn't in the wrong but if she's likely to withhold contact then you should go for a Child Arrangement Order like others have suggested.

Seasidemumma77 · 16/08/2022 15:45

CMS calculations are the bare minimum that can be claimed, not an actual calculation as to what the non resident parent should be contributing to ensure child's needs are met and resident parent isnt left with a greater financial burden. Your dp had finiancial responsibility for a dc before you conceived. Why should the mother of his existing dc have to absorb the cost of him choosing to have another dc?

SpaceshiptoMars · 16/08/2022 15:49

Why should the mother of his existing dc have to absorb the cost of him choosing to have another dc?

Because the law doesn't operate on the basis of she who is first in time is automatically first in line.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 15:50

You realise that when couples have more than one child their money has to spread further? Or is it just stepchildren who's lifestyle must be preserved?

Of course. Which is why, before ttcing our second child dh and I discussed whether doing so would impact our first child in a positive way or a negative way. And came to the conclusion that our finances could comfortably handle being spread further. But this is different. The new couple have made a decision to have a baby and have not considered the impact on the first child’s life with their mum when they reduce the amount of money there is for her.

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 16:02

Of course. Which is why, before ttcing our second child dh and I discussed whether doing so would impact our first child in a positive way or a negative way. And came to the conclusion that our finances could comfortably handle being spread further. But this is different. The new couple have made a decision to have a baby and have not considered the impact on the first child’s life with their mum when they reduce the amount of money there is for her.

How do you know they haven't considered it? Comments like this honestly just come across like the base line is if you've separated from your ex and therefore your decision to have another child doesn't involve them, then it's the wrong decision.

Fahdidahlia · 16/08/2022 16:17

CMS is the minimum and the maximum that can be asked for legally. I get so sick of hearing the bare minimum. 450 a month is a substantial amount of money towards 50% of costs whilst at RP house. 380 is still a substantial amount of money! Go through the CMS and then your partner can decide what extra on top he can afford.

Do not be guilted by anyone saying bare minimum, how dare you have more kids at deteiment of first child etc. Thats not fair and certainly not have life works!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 16:21

As the mum is pretty pissed off, I assume that she wasn’t asked beforehand how she would feel about the whole situation.

In the end, people have the right to build a new family and the law says that you can reduce your support to your child as a result of this. It doesn’t mean it isn’t crap though when your ex decides to have another baby and so makes your life harder as a result. Because the mum won’t want to take away her child’s ballet lessons or food. She will go without herself.

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 16/08/2022 16:25

You realise that when couples have more than one child their money has to spread further? Or is it just stepchildren who's lifestyle must be preserved?

It's really not the same situation, is it? The OP's decision is having a financial impact on someone else's household. It's not like.she got a say in her ex having an additional child. Yet she is expected to manage that decision and the impact it has on her household budget. And all at a time when most of us are really feeling the pinch and are about to feel it even more over the winter months.

It is a worrying time for many people. Is the ex still single, OP?

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 16:32

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 16:21

As the mum is pretty pissed off, I assume that she wasn’t asked beforehand how she would feel about the whole situation.

In the end, people have the right to build a new family and the law says that you can reduce your support to your child as a result of this. It doesn’t mean it isn’t crap though when your ex decides to have another baby and so makes your life harder as a result. Because the mum won’t want to take away her child’s ballet lessons or food. She will go without herself.

Just because she wasn't consulted, doesn't mean they didn't consider how it would affect the DSD. It's not a given that she will have to go without ballet lessons or food.

Yes it might be frustrating for her mum not to have that control, but that's life when you've split.

Lilithslove · 16/08/2022 17:07

Ithinkthatisenoughnowthanks · 16/08/2022 16:25

You realise that when couples have more than one child their money has to spread further? Or is it just stepchildren who's lifestyle must be preserved?

It's really not the same situation, is it? The OP's decision is having a financial impact on someone else's household. It's not like.she got a say in her ex having an additional child. Yet she is expected to manage that decision and the impact it has on her household budget. And all at a time when most of us are really feeling the pinch and are about to feel it even more over the winter months.

It is a worrying time for many people. Is the ex still single, OP?

But the only alternatives would be for the OP to give up her desire to have children to preserve the maintenance or let her own child go without. Do you think either of these other scenarios are reasonable either? Would you be prepared to have done either of these things?

This is why I would urge all resident parents (usually mothers) to maximise their own earning potential. After all you have more control over that than you do over whether or not your ex has another baby.

Catfordthefifth · 16/08/2022 17:17

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/08/2022 16:21

As the mum is pretty pissed off, I assume that she wasn’t asked beforehand how she would feel about the whole situation.

In the end, people have the right to build a new family and the law says that you can reduce your support to your child as a result of this. It doesn’t mean it isn’t crap though when your ex decides to have another baby and so makes your life harder as a result. Because the mum won’t want to take away her child’s ballet lessons or food. She will go without herself.

Its nothing to do with her though is it? Unfortunately it's a risk that comes with having a child with someone, isn't it? I'm happily married but I'm not so stupid as to think I couldn't possibly end up on my own completely financially supporting my child. (I mean, dp pays maintenance to his ex so it's unlikely but it's entirely possible) I certainly wouldn't expect to be consulted by a new wife about their decision to conceive. The reduction on CMS is minute anyway!

Blankscreen · 16/08/2022 17:22

The mum also needs to pay towards bringing her child up.

Assuming the sc stays with the dad and the op then they have to run and heat a house, have a bedroom available, feed and clothe her however many days a week.

Does it really cost the mum £760 a month to feed the child 5 nights a week? I doubt it.

Eve if the mum is solely responsible for uniform and clubs assuming she is prepared to pay as much towards her child as the dad I think she'll be ok