DSD age 8 only stays with us two or three times a year. Should we have clothes here for her?

[TartWithAHeart]

XP sends DSD in clothes we bought for her ages ago. They are too short/small. DH pays maintenance for DSD. We also buy her clothes occasionally. SHe does not stay with us often - we see her once a month when we go down to visit and take her out with our DS.

DSP is usually exclusively dressed in the clothes we bought and I am not sure if XP is trying to make some kind of point - ie, that we DH should buy her more clothes, or if she is trying to be fair and show DH that the clothes he bought DSD are being worn. It always makes me feel so cross and it is not fair on DSD being inappropriately dressed.

We had nightclothes, undies, tights etc here for DSD which all became too small. It is pointless keeping clothes here for her as she will hardly get to wear them. Last time DSD came here XP asked whether she shuold pack clothes, DH said yes but XP just packed old stuff that we had bought.

Relationship between XP and DH is difficult and any discussion about this between them will come to nothing.

I am not quite sure what to do. I think DSD should bring her own clothes, which I am happy to wash and iron and send back - if only to give her some degree of continuity. Wouldn't be a bit strange to have two lots of clothes anyway. Another reason is that we can't afford at the moment to buy all of DSD's clothes on top of paying maintenance to XP.

I can't really talk to her either BTW because although she is cordial I am sure she hates me.

How long does she stay when she visits? I'd buy a bunch of stuff in George/Tesco and keep for her visits tbh.

Or just send them back.

It would certainly make more sense for her to bring her own clothes, but it sounds as if somebody needs to be communicating directly about this - poor DSD is piggy in the middle otherwise.

How old is she? How does she feel about the clothes? Maybe you should just bite the bullet and buy her some bigger ones when she comes - you can get lots for not much at Matalan, Asda or Primark - if her mother keeps insisting on being petty about it you can rise above

Oh sorry, just seen in the title that she's 8.

Hi she stays for one or two nights. We did have a few bits from there, but I send them down with her because I knew the next time we saw her would be a different season, so it was silly having them sitting here when she could be wearing them at home.

2 or 3 nights 2 or 3 times a year isn't much, is it? Is that her mother's doing too?

1 or 2 nights even, sheesh, losing connection between eyes and brain, sorry!

I think if she only stays with you a few times a year, no you should not have to provide.
my DCs go once a month to their dad's and I dont send anything. They go in my clothes & come back in my clothes. I used to send clothes, toothbrushes etc but ex would forget to bring them back and to be honest, I felt that if they go once a month, they should treat his house as home rather than a holiday.

I'm with Yurt - to be honest, for your peace of mind, couldnt you buy 1 outfit - wouldnt cost that much these days and would stop you feeling bothered by the mother who may be trying to rile you?

I would do what makes YOUR life easier.

I can say this cos although ex went off with OW, SHE is the one who gives me grief & so I do what makes my life less stressful as you cant fight someone....

Well we thought that too WendyWeber. Perhaps XP is being petty or like I said this could be her way of being fair - but I think the former explanation is more likely.

DSD was upset because despite the fact we told XP she would be going to a children's party that very night we picked her up - she only sent half of a party outfit.

It's a horrible situation. The split was messy and there was a long period of estrangement from DSD, who only met her dad last year.

I hate all the pettiness. Things happen in life but usually it is how we deal with them that makes them worse or better.

We are really skint at the mo. Can't really afford to buy clothes to keep here unworn.

Oh of course not - and anyway they might not fit next time she comes.

Presumably her mother feels hard done by, however unjustified, and is effectively taking that out on her, poor love - the party thing is just mean .

Have a look in Asda/Tesco/Matalan next time you go and mentally price up a couple of tops & leggings/skirts, and a nice jumper/sweatshirt (that's all she'd need for 2 nights), or even buy something if they're reduced and look to be about the right size for next time; then send them back with her.

She won't let her stay for longer or more often because she says DSD is too young and gets too tired for school. They attend church every week and church functions too I gather and I guess she doesn't want DSD to lose that connection. We are aethiests you see. We live 70 miles away too.

I wish my ex WOULD read threads like this as I am the mother sending my DCS to ex and woman he left me for....my DCs are 5 & 3 and ex lives 150 miles away - I think your DSD's mother is just being controlling & making excuses over tiredness etc
Yes its not ideal but unfortunately this is the situation and is it helping her DD? sounds not

have no advice other than buy clothes so that DSD knows you care on the few occasions she does stay

I will do that actually. She is probably due to be here around Easter break, so I'll have a little look around.

It wouldn't cost much to go to Asda and/or Primark, or even charity shops, and buy a pair of jeans and a couple of tops for each visit. And PJs in primark are about £3. Could you afford that?

I don't think it's strange to have clothes in both homes though. Dsd has her own chest of drawers here and her own toy cupboard. I think (hope) it makes her feel like this is home as well, rather than her being a visitor who arrives with a suitcase.

However, your dsd doesn't come to you much , so it doesn't seem worth you keeping the stuff at your end. But I do sympathise with not being able to raise it with her mum. We had exactly the same thing and decided that if her mum was doing it to try and wind us up, we weren't going to react.

It's lovely and heartening to hear someone being kind and thoughtful to their stepdaughter.

That's a horrible thing to do with the party clothes .

Do you have any friends with children? We used to ask them for any their children had grown out of. And I got some real bargains in charity shops. Or maybe there's someone on here who has a few things they could send you.

I have nothing against buying the clothes as such - I just don't like being controlled in this way.

I understand that XP might have negative feelings towards DH and I, and although she realised keeping DSD away all those years was not beneficial to DSD, she still finds little ways of being annoyingly obtuse. For example, she assumes that just because DH doesn't ask her about DSD's school, etc that he is not interested and she never volunteers that information. She says he could go to her school at any time - yet has not told him what school she goes to! Plus, as I said, we live 70 odd miles away, so such visits would have to be planned, ie days off work, etc. There is no communication between them as parents pf DSD. I'm not expecting them to be friends.

I just find it so frustrating and DH is non confrontational so just lets it ride. Meanwhile what must DSD be thinking about all this?

Oh that's a great idea, surfermum - I bet lots of MNers would be happy to help

As far as DSD is concerned, at her age I think all you can do is be kind and loving (as I'm sure you are!) when she comes so that she knows you do love and care about her. I think letting her mother take advantage of you is the best thing you can do for her at the moment, however much you would like to yell at her about it.

Her mother is being far from christian and as DSD gets older she will see and understand that.

(yell at XP I mean, obv, not at DSD!)

I mean, how long to you keep hating someone for something they did?

A long time ago, I knew someone who did something really, really bad to me, in terms of the lies he told me to get what he wanted. When I found out the truth I hated him, I wanted to kill him - so I know how it feels. But now, life has moved on - i have moved on. I don't like him, but I don't hate him. I just feel that being difficult in this way takes too much energy.

FFS I will buy the clothes - just to get rid of the negative energy associated with not buying them.

Your attitude to the past is so much better than hers - but you know that

DSD can tell DH the name of her school, can't she? Then he can ring the school and find out when eg parents' evenings/school plays are. 70 miles is an awful long way to have to go for it but a) it will show DSD he cares about her life and b) show XP he is serious about being involved - maybe then she would be a bit more forthcoming.

Your DH def needs to be a bit more proactive, even if it's not his natural style.

I was going to say that WendyWeber that DSD will know that we care and don't want to see her in clothes that her arms and legs are too long for!
Do you know she even sent DSD out with her dad with the trousers we bought her that were too big - they were falling off and she didn't even put a belt on her. DH and DSD had to nip into Claire's Accessories to prevent further embarassment to DSD!

We know the name of the school now - and ringing the school is a good idea. Won't that be a bit wierd though, a strange man ringing up saying he is the estranged father of so and so..... (he doesn't have parental responsibility as XP keeps dodging the issue).