DSD age 8 only stays with us two or three times a year. Should we have clothes here for her?

[TartWithAHeart]

XP sends DSD in clothes we bought for her ages ago. They are too short/small. DH pays maintenance for DSD. We also buy her clothes occasionally. SHe does not stay with us often - we see her once a month when we go down to visit and take her out with our DS.

DSP is usually exclusively dressed in the clothes we bought and I am not sure if XP is trying to make some kind of point - ie, that we DH should buy her more clothes, or if she is trying to be fair and show DH that the clothes he bought DSD are being worn. It always makes me feel so cross and it is not fair on DSD being inappropriately dressed.

We had nightclothes, undies, tights etc here for DSD which all became too small. It is pointless keeping clothes here for her as she will hardly get to wear them. Last time DSD came here XP asked whether she shuold pack clothes, DH said yes but XP just packed old stuff that we had bought.

Relationship between XP and DH is difficult and any discussion about this between them will come to nothing.

I am not quite sure what to do. I think DSD should bring her own clothes, which I am happy to wash and iron and send back - if only to give her some degree of continuity. Wouldn't be a bit strange to have two lots of clothes anyway. Another reason is that we can't afford at the moment to buy all of DSD's clothes on top of paying maintenance to XP.

Well it might be, I've no idea how these things work! But ringing the school is the first step - if he tells them his name and address, they could ask DSD to confirm it if XP might be awkward about it?

He really should go for parental reponsibility now he is seeing DSD again though.

I think the school will have to comply, if they are difficult I would suggest putting it in writing explaining that you are currently trying to get parental responsibility but the ex is making it as difficult as possible. Your dh does have rights.

This all makes me so mad, I am so glad that exdh and I both make a big effort to still jointly parent dd1 and be cool and flexible about stuff and yes guess what it works in our mutual benefit ie he is willing to help out as and when because we don't waste energies trying to score points etc.

sorry I digress! I agree cheaply kit out in trendy stuff in primark, by layers so next time the cooler layers will still fit for the summer and possibly autumn.

"I have nothing against buying the clothes as such - I just don't like being controlled in this way."

I can understand that, but as clothes can be found so cheaply these days I'd just buy an outfit each time she comes and send it home. Rise above it so to speak. You won't win it otherwise and sd may come to like looking forward to her clothes each time she comes- make the visit more special. I second the primark suggestion. Unless you're at the unable to afford to eat stage I think it would be worth the tenner (or less!) for a new outfit to keep the peace.

He can give it a go with the school. Dh wrote a letter and then followed it up with a phone call. Dsd has been at several schools. Only 1 insisted on seeing his pr certificate, the rest just accepted that he was dsd's dad.

We quickly came to the same conclusion about buying clothes. We could have arguments with her mum, if she'd even speak to dh, and be told where to go, dsd would know about it as her mum talked to her about everything, we'd get upset for dsd and we'd be no further on ...... or I could go and buy a few clothes and that would be that. The way I looked at it was that dsd's mum would only control things if we let her continue to send dsd with inappropriate clothes. It was no skin off my nose to buy a few things, and I enjoyed shopping for them. And I know dsd used to love arriving and dashing to her bedroom to see what I'd bought her.

Of course her mum accused me of trying to buy her .

By the way, we're 8 years down the line and things are so much better. So it isn't necessarily going to be like this forever. On dsd birthday we all went out for pizza (dh, I dd, dsd, dsd's mum and her other siblings).

you could make it a girlie thing to do together or a father/daughter bonding thing, yes I nice treat for her. You never know xp may then take against this special treat and decide to send her in the clothes she already has!

Gosh thanks for all your posts. Sorry I had to go off so abruptly yesterday.

Actually, the buying clothes is a good idea, especially in terms of making it special for DSD when she comes. Although I have to say that DH doesn't agree with this.

The parental responsibility is a sore point, she keeps dodging the issue by being so obtuse about everything - it's very annoying. It is clear from XP's manner that she does not see DH as a co-parent - he is simply DSD's "father". Unfortunately this is history repeating itself - she had the same issues, but it was her mum who was the absent parent. But where does it end - just because she was brought up by an angry and bitter parent, surely she does not want the same to happen to her daughter?

It makes me both sad, and mad

Tart - difficult situation. I know - we had it too. I agree about their view of dh as father of child not a co parent.

EXW used to send the kids for a weekend with no underwear or coat (in the middle of winter). Got totally fed up with it cos we would have to buy things (on top of a huge maintenance payment) and when they'd go home with them they never came back again!

In the end we bought cheap clothes and kept them here. Very difficult saying to the kids - you can't take that home - don't want dsc upset by it but that's what we had to do.

The good thing is that now, a few years down the line things have improved. Dsc visit less frequently (have things they want to do at weekends) but bring a case of stuff with them when they come - old enough to pack their own things I expect.

ExW still won't discuss school or anything which drives me mad as dss is very behind (special needs)and says mum is too busy to help him . DH is far too laid back and non confrontational - I have nagged him to ring the school directly to discuss his progress. He still hasn't done.

I had this situation when I was with my ex, he had 2 ds's by his ex wife, she would send nothing, and the clothes they came in were fit for nothing other than the bin, even though they had lots of expensive clothes at home.

I went to Primark and bought a load of stuff that was kept with us, although we did have them every other weekend so they did get the wear out of.

As everyone else has suggested the only thing you can do is take the moral high ground and buy a few cheap bits from Primark/asda etc, if you can buy things that will last a few visits then keep them at your house, if not send them back.

It really does sound like the ex is being very petty - woman scourned and all that, even if you had nothing to do with the break-up.

As regards to school, your dh (or dp) could speak to the school and ask them to send copies of reports and such like to him if he provides some stamped addressed envelopes. Some schools are great at this, others arent so good but you are perfectly entitled to it and wil just need to keep reminding them?

Hope things get better for you all, its horrible to see a little girl used a pawn like this, by her mother, but by taking the moral high ground you know that you are doing all that you can.

Pick your battles. One over clothes really isn't worth having (and your dsd doesn't need that going on around her). One over parental responsibility is.

Apart from anything else, if she is coming to stay with you he really needs it. If she were taken ill or, for example, cut herself and needed stitches while she was with you your dh couldn't sign for that - she would have to wait for her mum to come to do it.

Does he know he can apply to the Courts for it and would almost certainly be granted it, even if she doesn't agree? Of course, the danger with that is that it will damage the already rocky relationship between them. Is she the sort that would stop contact if she isn't happy about something?

Dsd's mum never saw dh as a co-parent either. She thought that any involvement by him in dsd's life was "to get at her". FFS. Maybe because her other childrens' fathers never got involved to the extent dh wanted to, if indeed they bothered to see them at all. But, as she found out, she picked the wrong guy if she thought dh was going to just walk away because she made things difficult!

Sometimes I feel like a referee and like I am always nagging DH to do things. Even the phone calls to arrange visits are a soetimes three way affair, with me "coaching" him when she gets picky about things. At them moment he will not budge on the clothes issue. Looking at your posts it looks like things naturally change when the child gets older and can make their own decisions - I look forward to that!

He seems to have laid of the Parental responsibility issue a bit because XP is so prickly about it. Living 70 + miles away is a worry because it would take XP over an hour to get here if something did happpen to DSD and hospital needed permission for something.

If DH knows the name of DSD's school, maybe he could initially look for a website before ringing. Our primary school has one and I think it might help him get a feel for the school before he makes contact IYSWIM. And on the clothes front - I am sure there are mumsnetters who would let you have a few bits either for free or for a reasonable price. Otherwise Primark is a good idea, OK the clothes are cheap and may fall apart after a few wears, but in your case that is really not an issue.

Thanks. If she comes to us in inappropriate clothes next time we will take her straight away and buy her an outfit from George or somewhere like that.

We are due to see DSD this week and during that outing will have a school conversation over lunch.

I think DH is unwilling to get into a discussion with XP about anything at all - and I can see his point - she is quite difficult. But it does annoy me the way he still tiptoes around her avoiding confrontation - they aren't together anymore but it's as if he still doesn't feel he can't say what he wants to in case she gets arsy about it. Her version or arsy is to retreat into sullen silence when there is something she doesn't agree with - passive aggressive - which rather precludes discussion.

DSD has picked up this way of relating and we are constantly having to say to her that this is not acceptable way of communication.

My dh's exw has an all or nothing attitude to people. She intially loved me, thought I was great and wanted to be best friends . Within a few months she hated me and left abusive message on our answerphone calling em an f*king c*t which her children heard as they were staying with us at the time.

Dsd is becoming very like her mum. Falling out with people all the time. Dsc have a really warped view of relationships - people always fight and scream etc. All you and we can do is show them a different positive example of how to conduct your life.

As for dh doing nothing to confront her - my dh is exactly the same. He lives in fear of her stopping access and never wants to upset her even when she is outrageously unreasonable - very annoying. He still hasn't rung the school about his ds in case they tell her. It drives me mad. I think the problem is that mothers have all the rights. My attitude is - let her try and stop access - I don't believe the courts would support her. Also when kids are older again they will realise what she is like and make their own choices about seeing their dad

my cousin had this with her dp's ex. she used to hardly pack anything and what she did pack was crap so her dp would have to go out and buy his ds new clothes. once they were goin to a christening and her dp had asked his ex to pack something smart. she put it jeans and jumper so they had to go out and buy him a shirt and trousers. her dp doesn't mind buying him stuff but that is what he pays maintenance for and it was so obvious what she was doing.

In a way it is comforting to realise that my situation is not unique, but also quite sad to think that people have to be so petty and play such stupid games.

Like I say DSD is a bit like her mum, particularly in terms of the way she relates to DH, and veers between loving me and wanting cuddles and casting me as evil stepmother and giving me dirty looks when she thinks I am not looking. I know she's only 8, and doesn't know anything about the world, but I do find it very draining sometimes, this whole situation.

totally understand Tart. We must really love these men eh? tbh I think only other stepmums realise what it feels like

u know its not all as simple as you think on the other side

I was being sympathetic regarding clothing and trying to be helpful but I am actually the BM (awful term)

I have no idea what my ex tells his GF (OW incidentally) but I behave very well regarding contact with my ex and NOT slagging him off. If my DCs misbehave or treat GF as "evil stepmum" it will be nothing to do with me or my influence. Maybe ur step children are not happy with their parents being apart and while you may not to be blamed (like GF who was OW in my situation) they are only children and things are black & white to them.

Maybe u should cut them some slack with their "looks" at you

I think one of the best things you can do is read "How to listen to kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" it is a fab empowerment about how to let children veralise/show their emotions. I often think children with seperated (ie not together) parents are made to fit into roles here their and everywhere and they need to be heard. It's a hard thing to do but giving them permission in your home to deal with some of the cr*p they have to cope with is a true gift.

They want to see their absent parent but the resident parent is not happy about it and they know it however hard they may or may not try to show it.

Your're right mistress miggins. As an adult I have had years of experience to get used to all kinds of strange and unwelcome situations - but DSD as an 8 yo has not. My intellectual adult self knows that, but I am still shocked and hurt by the DSD giving me the evils sometimes. I'm only human after all .

That book sounds good CarGirl. I'll look on Amazon now.

The Relate Guide to Second Families is worth a read too.

My mantras were always "what is best for dsd" and "change the things you can change, accept the things you can't". If there was something in my sphere of control I could do (like buying clothes to avoid an argument) then I would, but if it wasn't I tried not to waste too much energy on it.

I do understand your annoyance at having to tread on eggshells, it used to frustrate me immensely, but looking back it was the right thing to do. Dsd didn't need her mum and dad arguing all the time, so from her point of view it was the best thing to do.

Dsd's mum clearly found the whole situation difficult, and while we were fine about it and just wanted to support her and work together with her, she wasn't. I think by not pushing it and letting her come to that conclusion herself, when she was ready, has brought us to where we are now.

TWAH are you still reading this thread ? I looked on here because I have a friend going through a tricky step parenting patch and just wanted a few insights into the issues involved.

Anyway are you interested in a small bundle of clothes for your dsd ? I have a 9yo dd who has no sisters or younger cousins. I am about to do a spring clean of her wardrobe so doubtless could put together a few things for her to use. You would then have no need to spend money or emotional energy on this situation.