I'm worried step-parenting is just not for me

[thesp]

DP and I have been together 3-4 years now.
He has 2 children from previous relationship, I have 1, and we have 1 together.

When we first moved in together, they slept over 1 night a week and came for tea once or twice once DP finished work.
We never got overly close but I didn't mind them being there and I enjoyed our family days out.

But things just kept getting gradually more difficult.
We started having them more days/nights and the more the time we had them increased, the more it became just a given that I'd have responsibility for them if DP was working.
They were raised differently to how I raise mine and the older they get, the more of a negative influence I feel they are on my DC.

Now when they're here, I just feel like the influence on my DC, the tidiness of my house and my time is just out of my control.
It starts making me feel like a guest in my own house and I just dread it. I get so overwhelmed when we have them.

I feel bad even writing it because I never confide in people about it as I feel so horrible but I'm just not even sure what to do. I try so hard every time and I just always end up drained and upset.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking, just for advice/support. The situation is just making me unhappy and I'm berating myself because I'm clearly just not a good step-parent and I wasn't cut out for it.

You can stop having them on your own. And you can talk to him about mess and time management. They’re his children, his responsibility and you’re not default babysitter because you’re with someone who’s got older kids.

Boundaries. Sounds a bit boiled frog. Are you looking after 4 kids, mostly on your own?

It's probably a mix of anger, shame & guilt. Working out what lines are being crossed will help you unpick the strands.

And start vocalising, shine a bit of sunshine on the situation.

You are probably an excellent parent. A shit one would not even be in this situation.

I have them a lot on my own. BUT I feel out of order saying no this because he's always treated my DC from a previous relationship as his own (my DC hasn't grown up with a dad so he stepped in) and never like he has 'his DC' and my DC is 'mine' - if this makes sense?
So I feel like it'd be awful of me to not give a similar perspective when his DC are with us?

Hope I'm even making sense.

Also not even sure if that sounded right.
To clarify, he didn't fill 'dad' position immediately. He just sort of stepped up to the responsibilities and treated my DC as such, he wasn't just a default dad to him and it wasn't pushed on either.
(Just thought it sounded a bit odd reading back!)

This is a classic ‘stepfamily’ problem that is mostly a husband with children from a previous relationship issue.

He’s saddled you with all the responsibility. Increased his ‘contact’ on the back of your labour. Isn’t parenting his older children so that their behaviour isn’t negatively affecting you or your children.

It’s really not you that’s not cut out for this. Your partner is the one very much letting the side down. Of course you feel absolutely drained and you’re starting to dread contact. Despite the rubbish you hear on this board from people with no meaningful experience, anyone would be unhappy in this situation and become resentful of it.

The boiled frog analogy is a key factor here. Lots of little ways in which the responsibility has landed on you, your boundaries have been eroded and you’ve been made to feel guilty for not doing enough. And now you’re in a very uncomfortable place. But stop blaming yourself; if you’re angry, direct it at the man who has quite happily put you in this situation.

Do you think he would step up and do what you need in order for this to work? Or is he likely to feel entitled to your effort and unhappy that his easy life is going to get less easy?

Given how little is involved in this kind of fatherhood, stop imagining that he’s superhuman for ‘treating your DC like his own’.

Leaving you with all the drudgery and responsibility while he picks and chooses the easy and fun stuff is not stepping up. The comparison you should be making is about whether he’s doing as much to help you with your child (and contributing as much to the care of your shared child) as he expects you to do for his children. I think it’s quite obvious that he fails on this test, even if he passes the low bar of stepfather involvement.

@SudocremOnEverything in all honesty, I think he does do as much for my/our DC as he expects me to do for his, probably more.

There should've been a serious conversation before increasing contact, but he does do an awful lot for all the DC and realistically only expects me to have them when he has to work.

If anything, it just feels that he handles it all better than me and for some reason, I just don't find step-parenting easy and can't form an attachment of any kind.

Why is he arranging contact for when he has to work though?

Or, arranging to work when he knows he has contact?

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Hard without upsetting him I know.
No one is cut out for step parenting, it's crap and thankless. But talk to him or you'll start to resent him and them.
I spoke to my DH, we agreed that DSC would adhere to my rules same as our DC when in our home and part of our family.
Not easy on DSC going between two houses and different rules but it worked.
Good luck

How old are they OP?

This may be of significance to how you are feeling, because different ages pose different needs and challenges. It may make sense to get your head around those first in order to navigate this.

It makes a huge difference to have an involved DP, as you have described he appears to be committed to pulling his weight and therefore you have a good base to work on.

It is normal to worry when you are navigating this type of situation, however it it not insurmountable with the right strategies, so please do not despair yet and work with the positives as a starting point for what these strategies need to be depending on the age group.

What is it that he does for your older DC?

With regards to opening up communication with your DP, a sensitive discussion can start framed as "how can we can work together to make an optimum balance and life better for everyone" at this stage.

It doesn't have to be adversarial or accusatory especially as everyone seems to be trying their best with eachothers children. Best Wishes.

@SudocremOnEverything he works shift work mostly which makes it hard to work around to keep everyone happy really.

@TaighNamGastaOrt I've tried to on occasions and he is receptive, but I hold back mostly because I just get so worried that it'll come out awful (like I'm miserable when they're here), and I can't imagine how much if it would hurt me if he had anything similar to say about my DC. I just have no clue how to articulate it.

@alwayslearning789 they're 8 and 11!

I thought that age range when I read your OP as it is one of the most trickiest.

If its any consolation, that is a difficult transition age, I certainly found it so for my own bio child and the decisions and ways I handled that period helped set the scene for the future years.

There is hope OP and would steer you to the Mumsnet Boards covering that age group for further information and assessment of situations and issues arising, in addition to any advice you'll get from this thread. Best Wishes.

In all honesty I think a major factor here is that within 3-4 years you've gone from having one child and not being with your DP to having two PLUS having responsibility for 2 stepchildren. That is a lot of additional stress and responsibility in a relatively short space of time. Because of only being with DP for 3-4 years and not spending much alone time with his DSC until recently, it's natural that you're going to find it difficult to now have sole responsibility for them a fair bit of the time.

It's good that your DP is having them more but not if you're having to bear the majority of the responsibility and you are not happy doing that. As PP said you need to talk to him about this and how you feel, and see what he says about you implementing house rules and about him being able to be around more when his DSC are there.

I'd stop having them alone. He shouldn't be arranging to have them when he's working! What is the point in them being there if their dad isn't? To just be babysat by their step mother?

His shifts and how that works with his co parenting with his ex is not your responsibility. They have two parents, they need to figure out when is best for DC to be where and when THEY can accommodate it. Not just 'yeah sure send them over, OP will look after em whilst I swan off to work'. Fuck that.

And as for whether it's for you or not... Unfortunately I think step parenting is very often just shit in general. Very rarely are there any upsides to it.

I wonder if the issue isn’t more that there is a huge cultural/expectations shift when the SC arrive, and you find this difficult - not least because the shift is to ways of behaving that are a negative influence on your children.

If that’s the case, then it’s really important that you and your partner can set consistent expectations so that the patterns of contact are less disruptive and problematic. Obviously more people
with their own personalities in the house is always going to make a difference, but it doesn’t mean that expectations around tidiness or behaviour need to be abandoned (or for a double standard to be in play).

The SC’s father needs to set expectations and enforce them. it doesn’t really matter if things are radically different at their mum’s house; it’s ok to be saying in this house, we put our laundry in the basket (not leaving a trail of it on the floor behind us) etc. it will rely on your partner doing the work here though. It actually wont work if he leaves it all to you (or, worse, undermines your attempts).

You've gone from one child to four in 3.5 years! Even if they were all yours, you'd be run a bit ragged. Give yourself a break, it sounds like you've done amazingly so far.

On the plus side, it doesn't sound like there is a hostile ex in the picture, so that will make it far easier to negotiate with your partner. Are you effectively baby-sitting the older ones on your maternity leave?

I think you need to set out your boundaries OP. Only you know what you're prepared to do, regardless of how much you think your partner does for your kids. It doesn't all have to be equal - he might be happy doing more. I have no idea when he would have his kids there when he's not even there himself though. They don't come for contact with you, do they?

Isn't this just the standard issue with step parenting dynamics. Well at least reading this board

It's fine for Step Dad to be involved with their partners kids. You come as a package after all. Surely your child must at times be difficult?

But then reciprocating. Oh no. There must be boundaries and you're not being respected blah blah blah.

I actually think there is a difference. The Ops children have no father, they live with her 100% of the time and I'm presuming her partner knew that when he met her.

Her step children have a mother and they come to their fathers to see HIM. They shouldn't be coming just to be babysat by the OP whilst he goes to work.