I'm worried step-parenting is just not for me

[thesp]

DP and I have been together 3-4 years now.
He has 2 children from previous relationship, I have 1, and we have 1 together.

When we first moved in together, they slept over 1 night a week and came for tea once or twice once DP finished work.
We never got overly close but I didn't mind them being there and I enjoyed our family days out.

But things just kept getting gradually more difficult.
We started having them more days/nights and the more the time we had them increased, the more it became just a given that I'd have responsibility for them if DP was working.
They were raised differently to how I raise mine and the older they get, the more of a negative influence I feel they are on my DC.

Now when they're here, I just feel like the influence on my DC, the tidiness of my house and my time is just out of my control.
It starts making me feel like a guest in my own house and I just dread it. I get so overwhelmed when we have them.

I feel bad even writing it because I never confide in people about it as I feel so horrible but I'm just not even sure what to do. I try so hard every time and I just always end up drained and upset.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking, just for advice/support. The situation is just making me unhappy and I'm berating myself because I'm clearly just not a good step-parent and I wasn't cut out for it.

@Hollll THIS is the point I think in my head as to why it's different from his perspective with my DC than mine with his, but I didn't know if I was just trying to justify me being shit by seeing it like this!! I thought I was being unjustified for thinking this.

I think your being perfectly honest and reasonable with yourself, I know I couldn’t be a step mum and honestly wouldn’t date a man with kids because of that it’s not something I ever want to do and I think that’s from watching my closest friends go through the ringer with their step kids and particularly the difficult ex’s which make there life’s look awful to me as an outsider

That swings both ways. The OP knew her partner had kids as well.

Presumably the ops partner has looked after the child that isn't biologically his without her present.

I'm all for boundaries etc but come on double standards.

It's ok to leave if its not working for you

Yes but as she's already explained the contact schedules was different when they met. It's only now that she's being lumped with childcare because of new contact arrangements when their dad isn't even there.

And people have different limits. The partner would also be within his rights to say he wasn't looking after OPs kids if he didn't want to. She managed before so 🤷‍♀️

This is clearly an issue for OP and that is fine. She can have that boundary if she needs it because they aren't her kids. What her partner then decides is up to him.

Are you expecting too much of yourself op? I actually think it's just nature that women don't particularly bond with other people's children so if you are getting racked with guilt about your lack of feelings just let it go and treat it like a job. As long as you are kind it's not really a problem. That being said I would never date a man with kids again, I can't say I exactly enjoyed it!

You have a DH problem. Stop feeling pathetically “grateful” for treating your DC as a minimally decent step parent should and tell him to parent his children. He obviously needs to if they are being messy and using you as doormat when he’s not there. They have TWO parents who should be parenting them to grow up as contributing members of society. If they were they wouldn’t be making a mess, being difficult and generally walking all over you when he isn’t there. You shouldn’t be responsible for them all the time.

I swear some of these men when they remarry think “to skivvy for, be doormat to and nanny DSC 24/7 till death do us part with no complaint” is written into second marriage vows somewhere.

So with that thinking, OPs 1st DC should never be looked after or card for by him?

I would imagine she - like most of us - arranges her work around her children. In doing so minimising the need to ask a person who is not their parent to babysit.

there’s a big difference between occasionally helping a partner out with childcare and being treated as the regular, default childcare because you haven’t aligned your work and contact schedules.

‘It became a given that I’d have responsibility for them’

yeah, nah. They’re there to have contact with their father, not fathers girlfriend. It’s his responsibility to parent them, or to arrange childcare between himself and their mother. So many women allow blokes to scam them into raising their kids for them, why allow it?

‘He does long hours at work/is away a lot’. I bet he is. How convenient. That’s a him-problem. The kids have two parents that can sort childcare arrangements.

You said ‘my house’, is the boyfriend dependent on you housing him and his kids as well as getting you to raise them for him? 😄

There's a world of difference between partners lending the odd hand by looking after their DSC and you expecting your partner to be the default childcare because you're regularly arranging your children to be there when you're at work.

I'd help my husband with the odd bits of childcare but if he turned around and said 'hey I know I never had DSC on Mondays and Tuesdays before (hypothetically) because I'm working but now I've shacked up with you I've told my ex we'll have them on those days and you can just look after them for me" I'd tell him to fuck off.

@CanIbeAlonepls but OP has said her DP does more for her DC (his SC), than she dies for his?

Yes but this is for work an essential.

I'm all for step parents not being asked to cover for parents typically but this to me suggests that the child of the couple and OPs child should get priority, that they are the children of the relationship.

Exactly it's double standards.

The OP is getting support for her child but doesn't want to reciprocate. Then people on this thread are agreeing this is fine.

The OP is getting support for her child but doesn't want to reciprocate. Then people on this thread are agreeing this is fine.

I asked early on what it was that her partner does for her child, but she never responded.

I think it's impossible to deduce whether the level of support is equal without knowing that.

Op said "in all honesty, I think he does do as much for my/our DC as he expects me to do for his, probably more"

Op said "in all honesty, I think he does do as much for my/our DC as he expects me to do for his, probably more"

I know she did, but it's impossible to judge without examples.

Can we not trust her judgement? If she feels he's doing equal or if not more what is the issue?

Well no to be honest. Examples of what's happening in a situation help create a clearer picture of the rights and wrongs of it.

I was just explaining why (for me at least) it's been hard to quantify whether there is a double standard in terms of how much they both do for each other's kids.

So he moved into YOUR home and you have now ended up looking after 4 children whilst he works a lot?
Your two children, including the child you share and his two children?

Really?

No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.
No conversation.
Just an assumption that you would parent his children.

Time to have a long hard think OP, because it certainly reads as if you have been rightly caught.

You have gone from 1 to 4 children, that is some jump.

It would give a lot of woman pause, particularly as you were never asked!

You need to think about what you want your future to look like.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to decide that this isn't working for you.

He has 1 DSC you have 3. There is a huge difference. I also bet he doesn't have all 5 kids on his own. That's a lot of kids, it sounds like you need help. If you can afford it get a nanny even if just part time.

Sorry I meant ypu have 2 step kids he has 1 and I bet he doesn't have a 4 together on his own.