Taa daa - curtain drop

[SnowWhitesSM]

Some of you may remember my awful experience of being a step mum - sassbot, magda, candles and fish - you really helped me see through the curtain 💐. I have wavered at times but stayed strong post break up and have built a lovely life. Sometimes it's really hard as we did get on so well before step parenting got in the middle of us but his behaviour when he's upset (he is cruel, contemptuous and unkind) is why I'll keep away from the man.

Well soon to be exh rings me with - Snow I was so out of order to use my son against you and put him in the middle of our marriage. I let my kid rule the roost and call the shots and I'm sorry I made it so shit for you. I'm sorry I didn't deal with mine and my sons issues and made you the bad guy.

I'm still not getting back with the twat, I'll never trust him again. It was nice to get the apology and validation though. Usually if/when we speak he continues the narrative that he's a great dad and putting his kids wants over everyone elses needs is him being a good dad! Kids come first doncha know 🙄

Ahhh he zombied you. You have been missed snow greatly!!

How you feeling about it all ? It's nice that he's said that but do you think he means it ect ? How's things going ?

Oh it's candles btw - name changed to something more appropriate for the board 😁

I've just replied to your DM candles!

I feel happy that he finally validated my feelings. I can't get back with him, he's done way to many things to me. He would need years of therapy to unpick his narcissistic traits and defense mechanisms and I'm not prepared to be an emotional punch bag for him. Nor would he stick to therapy. I really doubt it's his moment of revelation, he took his kid on our postponed honeymoon with no regret 😂

I have managed to drop the majority of my resentment over the months we haven't been together but I would always be on eggshells and noticing the way he moddycoddles his kid to death and it would seep back in.

I'm genuinely loving single life atm. It's been full of beach days, camping trips and fun with my dc and my friends. I do have pangs, I'm not over it yet, but I'm getting there!

I've dmed you back but really hope you're all doing well! How's it going with the separated contact?

Yes contact all back to normal DSDs mum allowed contact and apologised and feelings are going to be heated no matter what so I get it

Pmed you back !

i bet he thought the admission would somehow just fix everything. Glad you’re able to recognise that the trust has long since gone and he’s not capable of the genuine change you’d need.

it does sound like single life is much better for you. I’m so pleased.

Things are still a mess here. I’ve a financial settlement to negotiate with a narcissist who is very angry with me about having left him and refusing to just do what he wants. So that’s fun.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander narc rage is real. Hang on in there ! Any progress been made ?

I remember some of your posts so glad you are freeeeeeeeeeee

How are your DCs?

He would need years of therapy to unpick his narcissistic traits and defense mechanisms and I'm not prepared to be an emotional punch bag for him

Very astute. I finally got to that stage. I'm glad he validated your feelings but wonder if his motivation was self serving. Are you planning to divorce?

Glad you got an apology Snow, even more glad he's staying well rid!

This is great to hear! Thanks for sharing, @SnowWhitesSM

My dc are doing great! My house is relaxed and noisy again. I put a dart board up in the living room to get the teens back out their bedrooms (it worked). I didnt realise how much they were in their rooms whilst we were together until they got out of them. No seperate cupboards, no eggshells, I didn't realise how rubbish it was for them whilst I was with him as they were worried about me. It feels so good to live how we like living if that makes sense?

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander hang in there! Hope your ds and toddler are doing okay?

Divorce will be finalised in October 🙌 thank you for all the well wishes.

I am not falling for his fake apology. Or it might be real, who knows! I can't be bothered to overthink it. I'm taking it as admittance that I wasn't crazy/jealous/horrible and the things I had an issue with were real. I shouldn't need him to validate it but I did.

there's this guy on Instagram who is a diagnosed narcissist and he's post a lot about how his brain works and other brains narcissists work in social situations.

Really worth a look even if you aren't on Instagram - his names Lee hammock his handle is @demondhammock

I'm so glad you have made it through the other side !!

@SnowWhitesSM so good to see your name again. Glad he apologised but it’s just a shame he is seeing the error of his ways too late in the day!

I’m glad you are and the dc are happy sounds like you’re having a great summer with them!

@Vie8126 nice to see your name too! Hope your situation improved?

It is a shame but I'd never go back. You can't be with someone after they've eroded your trust so badly. I felt so betrayed by him, it would honestly be like staying with someone who had an affair and the ow lived in your house 50% of the time. I'd crack up. I don't feel angry with him anymore for being so shit, I feel sad for him that he had me and lost me and now (if) he recognises what he did he's going to have to live with that.

No progress. It’s all very stressful. He’s gone abroad with his favoured children (I would bet a lot of money to the exact resort he used to go to with their mother and them and was very angry at me for refusing to even consider holidaying there) for a week - which is great because life is definitely better if he’s not even on the same landmass.

I do think the process of coming to terms with the obvious evidence of his narcissism takes time. Accepting that is how he is and always will be, and that things could never be better because of it, is tough. It sounds like you’re coming out the other side of that process (or starting to) now so you’re able to say ‘thanks for the apology, but it changes nothing about this situation’.

@SnowWhitesSM maybe it’s just the having to deal with his child himself and navigate all the crap without the support whatever his reasons it’s too little too late. It does feel like a betrayal though that’s what they (dps) don’t understand the level of bullshit and hoop jumping they expect from their new partners and new families to appease an ex or Disney parent a dc because of their own feelings makes you feel second best. Continually. He would soon go back to the same behaviour despite the apology and apparent realisation and you know that which is why your life feels better tenfold.

Our situation has been horrendous, dp still hasn’t seen his dd it’s been well over a year really since regular contact. We’ve had a huge level of harassment from the ex. She orchestrated events around every court hearing whether child matters or divorce matters both of which are now scheduled for the end of the year due to the court backlog and her constant delaying to cause issues for us (she is on her 5th solicitors firm in as many years!)

I also had a second trimester miscarriage during this time which she also found out about somehow and used against me. I was at the end of my tether with it and set to leave with our ds and my dd just to be away from it all. Dp notified the court he would not be pursuing child contact anymore due to her behaviour. We’re waiting for further backlash from this decision however as horrible as it is for his dd it’s the kindest thing for her also. Sometimes I will do anything to see my child when they reside with a toxic person on this level is not in the child’s best interest. It’s all gone quiet for now but I expect more drama when court dates near!

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I often looked for candles to see if you’d posted or how you guys were getting on. Sounds like you’ve had a time of it also.

I looked that guy up on Insta he has a lot of good content!

@Vie8126 I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby 💐 I wish I had some better words but my god the type of person that would use that agaist you deserves karma to come bite them on the ass !

I had to do a name change as I think it's healthy every now and then. That and the fact as a stepmum I no longer feel like I'm holding a candle in the darkness more a pitchfork lol 😂 with a scowl.

As per usual things escalated with the baby before touch wood things settled down somewhat.

Yes he's rather good, I have to say and it's interesting that even he says avoid narcs !

@pitchforksandflamethrowers congrats on the baby! Ah that’s what tipped things here our ds has just turned 1 a few weeks ago dp hasn’t seen his dd since the day I went on mat leave. It’s a funny trigger. Glad it’s settled for you now. Lol well at least you’re armed should you need to be!! Long may things be calm for you.

Yes he is, can see that behaviour in so many people these days that’s a scary thought!

Thank you xxx

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander enjoy being in a different country than him 😂 I'm glad he's out your house and day to day life even if it is still fraught.

@Vie8126 sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Hope you're doing okay? Sounds horrendous for you all and I agree that your dp is working in dsd best interest by not pursuing contact currently.

@RandomMess I love being freeee thanks for all your comments on my various posts too 💐

Why are you speaking with him anyway?

@Endlesslypatient82 we've sorted the divorce without solicitors. Both of us are only taking what we brought to the marriage financially. Sometimes his post gets delivered when his redirection doesn't go through. We don't have excessive communication.

I tell you what I wish I did have back- my empathy and sense of humour. It's coming back but I'm still quite defensive and quick to get pissed off. I'm a lot more abrupt then what I used to be too. I used to be full of happiness and find humour in things people did/didn't do.

has divorce been finalised? If not, whereabouts are you in the process?

Consent orders have just gone in, divorce should be finalised in October.