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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Why is my children’s step mother doing this?

37 replies

CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:10

Ok, so unlike lots of people on here and I know it’s an annoying cliche for many, my ex’s wife was was the “other woman”, they had an affair which started when I was pregnant with our youngest child and I split up with him when I found out and youngest was ten months old.

he moved back into his parents’ house for a while and spent a few months trying to come back and saying it was over whilst still seeing her. When it was clear that that wasn’t on the cards, he eventually moved in with her and now they are married.

She’s nice to my children, they like her very much and I have literally nothing to do with her and a good 50/50 co parenting relationship with my ex. I am also remarried.

She keeps telling people that I’m bitter, want him back and make her life difficult! This comes back to me. They’re currently on holiday due back today for example, so I have had the kids for ten days to facilitate this, so different from our usual 50/50 but it’s fine!

I literally do not understand her. It’s been seven years!

OP posts:
CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 07/08/2022 14:15

How are we supposed to know why she’s doing that?

What we’re you hoping to get from
posting this in step parenting?

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2022 14:16

Guilt? Make you the bad guy so she doesn't focus on the fact she fucked your then husband?

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:17

Well I’m a step parent too! So I’m allowed to post here?

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 07/08/2022 14:18

You need to ignore her.

If anyone repeats nonsense like that to you, simply state you are happily married to your DH and you wouldn't get back with your older children's father if hell freezes over. Then change the subject.

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:20

This is probably good advice, I’m just confused as I read on here about genuinely bitter ex wives and think “but I’m not like that!” It feels very unfair!

OP posts:
CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 07/08/2022 14:20

CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:17

Well I’m a step parent too! So I’m allowed to post here?

It’s not a being allowed to post here thing. It’s a consider your audience thing. Why would other stepmothers necessarily have any special insight into why the one your ex had an affair with is behaving like an arse?

frazzledasarock · 07/08/2022 14:24

She needs the horrible ex wife narrative to make herself feel better for shagging your then husband.

your ex is a shit husband to her, there are problems in her marriage and she’s preempting them by declaring you’ve never got over him, in order to have a story ready for when he leaves her for another woman.

she’s scared he would go back to you given a chance.

shes jealous and paranoid, because she knows she married a cheater.

she enjoys the drama.

I’d laugh at anyone bringing you that news and tell them you wish she’d get over it. You wouldn’t touch your ex with a barge pole.

leave her to her insanity.

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:24

Well tbf why would anyone here know anything about any other family? It’s just a place to ask for experiences and insights and opinions no? I’m also a step mother to my husband’s children.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:27

He would not come back to me and I would not have him back if he wanted to; although the affair was very hurtful, with the benefit of distance to the initial hurt, our marriage was in big trouble, grown apart etc and I don’t suppose he’d have had the affair otherwise!

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 14:42

CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:24

Well tbf why would anyone here know anything about any other family? It’s just a place to ask for experiences and insights and opinions no? I’m also a step mother to my husband’s children.

If you're a step mum then do you have any insight why she might be behaving like this? I don't I'm afraid. Do you feel your husband might go back to his ex?

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 07/08/2022 15:16

I mean it could be guilt my ex was shagging around with ow who's now Dd sm.. that said people love drama and I'm always suspicious of people who say this stuff but I have seen no evidence or hard feelings to support it.

So it depends

People hate that I get on with my ex wife. Madness really as why would I care. And people do love drama. You sure people who are telling you aren't stirring the pot ?

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 15:41

My husband would have a job going back to his ex, as he’s a widower.

OP posts:
lookluv · 07/08/2022 15:44

OP - how dare you come on the SM forum and ask an inflammatory question about an SM!!!!!

I get it - My Ex left me for OW stayed with her for 18 months had child and then left OW and now has a lovely partner - not married and no kids. He left OW, 7 yrs go.

I was blamed for their split - because his family and friends still spoke to me and invited me to family gatherings after 20 yrs of knowing them!! I have moved on and am now an SM to 2 myself. OW has not get herself a job in my place of work - not near her home, not in her field of expertise and now sits by my department 3 days per week and takes photos and posts them on social media commenting on how she saw me and she got scared!!

Mad SMs, Mad ExWs, Mad ExH etc etc etc

sSome people are just arseholes.

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 15:47

I guess that’s it. Some people are just arseholes! She’s nice to my kids though and they like her so 🤷‍♀️ I guess. It’s just annoying.

OP posts:
Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 15:53

It’s annoying as I don’t like being painted as the stereotypical bitter first wife when I don’t paint her as anything at all, I change arrangements whenever asked and don’t have anything to do with her life at all!

I guess maybe she just wishes I didn’t exist, but I’m a step parent to bereaved children and that’s just awful for them, so I guess she hasn’t thought it through.

OP posts:
CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 07/08/2022 16:04

There’s nothing you can do about it if she’s being an arsehole. Just ignore it.

It’s really not a step parenting problem. Its a red herring that she’s a stepmum. It’s a Someone being an arsehole problem. And an other people ‘helpfully’ relaying it to you problem.

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 16:10

Yes probably, but it’s annoying because although she’s not really part of MY life, she’s always going to be part of it kind of because of the children and mutual friends. I guess I’m just going to have to ignore any (unhelpful to our family) things I’m told and rise above.

OP posts:
CharlieAndTooManyCharacters · 07/08/2022 17:17

Your friends should know that you have moved on and are happy with your husband. If anything, she’s making herself look bitter and unhinged.

don’t give it any thought.

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 17:39

Maybe she's doing it because you are bitter and make their lives hell but you feel justified in your behaviour because they had an affair ...

Or maybe she's not saying anything as bad but people like to stir. Who is telling you she is saying this and what is their motivation for telling you?

Another possibility it that she's unhinged.

Either way I think you'd be better off asking yourself why it bothers you so much and telling the gossips to stop telling you what she says. You can never truly know why people act the way they do so it's best to focus energy on learning to let things like this wash over you.

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 17:40

I guess you don't know what your ex has said about you. He might be spinning a yarn.

HeckyPeck · 07/08/2022 18:44

Ontomatopea · 07/08/2022 17:40

I guess you don't know what your ex has said about you. He might be spinning a yarn.

I wondered that too.

Original poster
CathyTre · 07/08/2022 18:45

How on Earth could I be bitter? I co parent with my kids’ dad and my kids really like her! I remarried three years ago and I think both of us (me and ex) are much happier than we were in the last two years of our relationship. We’re still (me and ex) friendly enough and get on ok since we’ve known each other all our adult lives more or less, which is probably why we grew apart.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 07/08/2022 18:58

It’s really not a step parenting problem. Its a red herring that she’s a stepmum. It’s a Someone being an arsehole problem. And an other people ‘helpfully’ relaying it to you problem.

But it is a step-parenting problem in that the person concerned is a step-mum. I see so many categoric statements on here about ex wives being a problem, and DSC bring a problem, but when it’s a post about a step-mum behaving negatively you get upset about generalisation?

It is perfectly reasonable that the OP ask here, she presumably thought people in similar positions may have insight. The O: title could be better though.

If you want to be strict about only people who are step-parents only posting about their current problems as step-parents, then you should accept it follows that posters who are no longer step-parents snd have no interaction with their SC shouldn’t post about their current problems either.

lookluv · 07/08/2022 19:25

Lilith - tbh if the OP wanted to bad mouth her husband and the OW she is perfectly entitled to but as she has pointed out she is remarried and happy and co parenting well but because that is coming from an obviously not bitter and twisted ex wife it must be a lie!

Give it a break this appears to be an insecure amoral woman who may not have landed the golden ticket and now wants to create trouble.

I too hate being painted by the OW as bitter and upset when she has invaded my work place and posts about being scared on social media.

Like ~I said some people are just arseholes.

Gottoomuchgoingon · 07/08/2022 22:49

lookluv · 07/08/2022 19:25

Lilith - tbh if the OP wanted to bad mouth her husband and the OW she is perfectly entitled to but as she has pointed out she is remarried and happy and co parenting well but because that is coming from an obviously not bitter and twisted ex wife it must be a lie!

Give it a break this appears to be an insecure amoral woman who may not have landed the golden ticket and now wants to create trouble.

I too hate being painted by the OW as bitter and upset when she has invaded my work place and posts about being scared on social media.

Like ~I said some people are just arseholes.

I would be reporting this to your bosses. This is completely unacceptable of her.