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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why is my children’s step mother doing this?

37 replies

CathyTre · 07/08/2022 14:10

Ok, so unlike lots of people on here and I know it’s an annoying cliche for many, my ex’s wife was was the “other woman”, they had an affair which started when I was pregnant with our youngest child and I split up with him when I found out and youngest was ten months old.

he moved back into his parents’ house for a while and spent a few months trying to come back and saying it was over whilst still seeing her. When it was clear that that wasn’t on the cards, he eventually moved in with her and now they are married.

She’s nice to my children, they like her very much and I have literally nothing to do with her and a good 50/50 co parenting relationship with my ex. I am also remarried.

She keeps telling people that I’m bitter, want him back and make her life difficult! This comes back to me. They’re currently on holiday due back today for example, so I have had the kids for ten days to facilitate this, so different from our usual 50/50 but it’s fine!

I literally do not understand her. It’s been seven years!

OP posts:

Lilithslove · 07/08/2022 23:01

@lookluv my point was that there could be any number of reasons for it and the op can never know and also can't stop her doing it. It might even not be true - people like to shit stir.

SandyY2K · 08/08/2022 07:31

OP ignore the poster asking why you posted here. They obviously have issues, I can only guess what they are

Your ex's wife is probably acting out off insecurity and guilt. I mean she had an affair with a man while his wife was pregnant ...it doesn't get much lower than that really.

As for the people telling you, they know yours married, so they need to not engage with her.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 08/08/2022 10:08

As a mum who's been in a similar position in the past, you just don't know guilt maybe but I just don't think anyone could know it's all speculation tbh. However I'm sorry your ex was a massive 🛎 end.

With my sm hat on I'm still just as flummoxed tbh. Could be guilt could be just people enjoying two women going at it. And drama .

I know people like to stir but if your get on well and she's not acting weird with you and acts kindly to the kids I personally wouldn't pay much attention tbh not because what they did was ok in anyway, because why would you care ?

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 10:53

I get why you care OP. It’s disrespectful and rude and more importantly, there’s the possibility your DC may overhear her.

I would possibly deal with it by asking her about it. Not in a confrontational way but by saying something along the lines of: this is awkward but I wanted to give you a heads-up as I value how great you are with the DC and our amicable arrangement … X and Y have been saying you said this about me, I’m assuming it’s not true so thought you’d like to know.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 10:55

And I agree with @SandyY2K and PP about it being guilt and insecurity. Having an affair with a married man whose wife was pregnant is indeed shitty, provided she knew you were pregnant.

Lilithslove · 08/08/2022 11:02

If it is true she might well feel a bit threatened by your shared history OP. Her partner/ your ex cheated on you while pregnant so maybe the fact that he is capable of such a betrayal at a time when you were so vulnerable plays on her mind - if he can do that to you she might be worried he will cheat on her.

DuchessDarty · 08/08/2022 11:23

Good point @Lilithslove

It may be that she’s badmouthing the OP as a way of justifying to herself “well he cheated on her because she’s awful, and I’m not so he won’t do it to me”.

Sellorkeep · 08/08/2022 13:45

You have not raised the issue in respect of her step-parenting towards your children, so it’s more of a relationships thing really. But, regardless of the board, my tuppence worth …
I was chatting with someone who is a step mum recently and she also was very bitter about her partner’s ex with similar obsession that the ex wants him back. She’s very wrong in how she sees everything!! I think it stems from her insecurity of being in a relationship where she started as the OW, and her partner is now on good terms with his ex and they co-parent really well. Plus her PFB is his 4th so he’s pretty relaxed about the baby and she’s very very first time mother.

justanothermanicmonday21 · 08/08/2022 23:54

My theory is it takes a certain type of person to cheat and do that and they are the type or people that create drama wherever they go.

lookluv · 09/08/2022 09:40

justanother - so true

TwoDots · 09/08/2022 16:27

It might be your sheer existence that makes her life difficult. Nothing that you do directly. She’s probably a bit jealous, threatened, not living living life to a schedule etc. I’m not saying that is the case but perhaps some ideas

Scorpio8 · 02/09/2022 22:05

CathyTre · 07/08/2022 15:53

It’s annoying as I don’t like being painted as the stereotypical bitter first wife when I don’t paint her as anything at all, I change arrangements whenever asked and don’t have anything to do with her life at all!

I guess maybe she just wishes I didn’t exist, but I’m a step parent to bereaved children and that’s just awful for them, so I guess she hasn’t thought it through.

@CathyTre

You do exist so that won't change. As long as she good with your kids ignore the silly woman she the bitter one. She obviously the bad one here. Just leave her it's her issues not yours.

My SM use go round say my DM was alcoholic just probably because my DM had social life and she didn't.
The issue lies with the woman not you sorry. Does she know you wouldn't take him back and she second best. That's why he married her. She could be very jealous of you.

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