Finances...how do you manage yours?

[AtoZZZ]

I'm just interested to hear how other couples in a similar situation view money/bills/expenses etc when one partner pays child maintenance?

I've been with my DH for 12 years, he has 2 teenage children from his previous marriage who he sees regularly and pays child maintenance for. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have one child together.

We both earn a pretty similar amount, I'm earning more at the moment but only due to overtime, normally it's roughly the same.

We both pay the same amount in to a joint account for mortgage / bills / food shopping etc and DH pays maintenance to his ex out of his account, and there's usually a small amount remaining for bits for himself, but not much.

This means that I pay for all the extras - holidays, birthdays/Christmas etc (for all 6 of us), clothes for our children, meals, days out, kids hobbies etc...I've never even given it much thought until recently. I've just done it because I like us to do nice things and I've always just viewed our money as like one big pot.

But after a recent meeting with a financial adviser and a conversation with a friend in a similar boat it's made me question whether I should be being more guarded with my money. The financial advisor pointed out that I should be saving / investing more than what I can currently afford to because I'm effectively paying for my stepchildren to go on holiday etc and that DH should be contributing towards a lot of these extra costs, but he can't.

I'm just interested to know how other step parents deal with this kind of scenario?
I don't want us to not be able to afford nice things or to go on holidays etc. But I'm not getting any younger and need to think about my pension and making sure my future is protected (DH has an excellent pension whereas mine is virtually none existent).

I don't want a debate over how much we spend on what or how to save money, it's not about that, it's just whether other couples just pool income and see everything as joint or whether you keep your own money to yourself??

I'm not in this situation but as I read your post, it's seems your child lives with you and thus you both pay the living expenses there, but the living expenses for his children come out of his own pot? Is that right?

Not sure what you expect your DH to do if he's putting all of his money into the bills and maintenance. Do you want him to get a second job to pay towards his teenage kids going on holiday with you? If his kids are teenagers, there's only a few more years of maintenance to go and a few more holidays you can begrudgingly pay for them.

Your financial adviser is absolutely right.

We have a shared pot we pay in for bills etc and then we pay for our shared child out that. He pays everything else for dsc out of his account and I get my account. You are already paying higher living costs due to his kids

And if he cant afford for his kids to go on holiday they don't go on holiday

I don't expect DH to do anything, he already works hard and long hours and I don't begrudge anything, we've done things like this for the past 11 years that we've lived together and I've never batted an eyelid.
As I said - currently I just see our income as joint but now I'm wondering if everyone else is doing things differently as two people in one week have told me that I'm basically not looking after my own assets enough.

Yes expenses for my son come out of the same joint pot as the expenses for his 2 children who regularly stay with us (extra bedroom, food, energy bills etc). Costs for all 4 children come out of our joint pot.

You need to prioritize your pension over holidays, gifts, etc.

I know everyone thinks "it can't happen to me" but couples split up all the time, and then where would you be?

Definitely, you need to prioritise a pension. And pay a lot into because of the years of not doing that. He’s managed to accumulate a good pension while you subsidise his life. You need to look after your pension before paying for anything like holidays or presents.

How is he managing his money. He must have some disposable income left after bills and maintenance. What I’d he saving do he can pay for presents and trips and such like for his children?

Yep, exactly this. Everyone thought my Mum & Dad were solid but then along came a younger, more attractive woman who told my Dad everything he wanted to hear and he was off. You never know what's around the corner.

DH tells me I don't need to worry about a pension as his is enough to look after us both but that leaves me feeling very vulnerable. My son is severely disabled and I'm likely going to need to care for him for the rest of my life so it's not just my future I need to protect, it's his too.

There's very little left after maintenance and bills, enough to pay for his lunches at work, petrol etc. He never buys anything for himself, all his clothes are birthday & Christmas presents.
We probably could cut back on some things to get our joint bills down, we haven't done that because we've managed with me paying for all the nice things, but if I start saving more of my money it'll mean we'll just have to tighten our belts a little, then maybe he can afford to save for holidays etc himself.

I mean generally women get screwed financially because of mat leave, often work part time to facilitate kids ect but I think the worst advice I have seen bandied on here as some type of MN slogan is put it all into a joint pot. Especially in my opinion in blended families.

Both me and my partner pay for half the bills that our joint Mortage, electric ect. We separately pay for things like mobile phone contracts specific subscriptions we want ect. Maintenance comes from his money specifically after the ex got excited when we got married and thought my high income would mean extra for her (he pays way above CSA anyway as he should imo) but no we didn't include my income into the maintaince calculations. However I do pay for a horse to be kept and stabled for DSD out my own funds as I suggested it.

If either one of us needs extra or struggling we speak and help each other out. We do this because although I love my DH, and he's on good money he's always one to buy needless crap and end up with 0 at end of month. He sees money and just burns it. This works for us as if he wants to burn he's own money after paying the bills he can and I'm not resentful he's taken my savings down too.

To give you a example he's not one but two mobile phone contracts out for DSD as she keeps breaking/losing them and wanting a new phone. That's now about £100 per month that comes out of his money and I don't interfere with what he buys for DSD.

I pay for my DD needs, he pays for dsd (bar the horses which I find fully) and he goes half on our joint child.

It works for us but I'm not a romantic when it comes to finances tbh we are a team we just don't need a joint bank account to prove it.

I also put about 1/4 of my salary away for savings and have various pots for Christmas birthdays ect. But and massive but we in a rather privileged position many aren't so I can only say what works for us.

Also please for heavens sake start pension asap.

It's very tricky but in a "blended family" you do need to see the income as slightly seperate.

We are in the tricky position of the house we live in being mine (with a large amount of equity in it) before we met and got married. I extended the house to make room for his two kids (I have one) which he paid towards and has paid half of the mortgage since. We split bills and food down the middle. Any holidays, we pay for ourselves and our own kids. Money left over from our individual salaries is ours to do what we please with. I am a saver, and he is a spender on random crap.

We have an agreement whereby the equity I had before I met him is ringfenced. Two of the kids are now at uni and only my daughter comes home regularly (she's younger). I reclaimed one of the spare rooms for my office as I WFH full time.

Part of me thinks that we could have downsized by now if it wasn't for his youngest at home, but we will do that eventually.

You definitely need to reassess your finances and look after your own future. I'm guessing your husband won't be happy about that as he's had it good for so long. But you shouldn't have to subsidize his kids.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers thank you that's very useful.
I do have a pension but it's not a very good one after years of switching jobs trying to find the perfect balance between work and childcare, working part time, Mat leave etc, some jobs I didn't join the pension scheme as I didn't see myself staying etc. So I've now got 6 different pensions, all with not a lot in them. Where as DH has only had 2 employers, paid in the pension schemes consistently since he was 18 and for the past 15 years his current employer has paid in 10% of his salary, he's got another 20 years before he retires and already has enough to keep him comfortable if he never paid another penny in to again.
I'm paying in to a pension but I should be paying in more than I am to make up for lost years, but I know I'll end up feeling guilty if we're missing out on all the nice things I normally pay for. We're not rich but we have a pretty nice lifestyle at the moment, we manage ok as we are but we'll feel the difference if I start squirrelling my money away.

If all the expenses for your child from a previous relationship come from the joint pot, then surely all the expenses for his children from a previous relationship, including child maintenance, should also come out of the joint pot. Any spare money after bills and expenses paid should then be split equally so you each have the same spending money. If the genders we're reversed, you'd be called abusive.

No longer a step parent but when I was I paid all bar 350 quid of our expenses eg food housing etc. Ex dp paid for evrything else for this 3 kids and I paid for our joint an Di paid for the majority of holidays.
It did breed resentment as he wouldn't pay for anything for our joint dc and I did that despite paying more for everything else.
Please get a pension and savings, mor eimportnat as your dc is disabled. Also things happen that mean you may be unable to work or need to work less as you get older.

I've never read such compete and utter bollocks in my life.

He’s not feeling guilty about paying 10% of his salary into his pension, is he?

Knowing you have less provision because you’re paying for the nice things for his kids.

it’s not abusive to make sure you look after your finances. It’s not your fault he has maintenance to pay.

He doesn't pay 10% in to his pension, his employer does, his contribution is only about £35pcm. I already pay a lot more in to mine which is only the minimum contribution.

But yes, either way, I should be prioritising my savings more.

You say you have been together 12 years, so he can't be that far from not having to pay maintenance.

Just get him to agree once he stops paying you get to sort out your pension needs.

Our case is slightly different, as I I'm higher earner (by far) and although a risible amount in my pension plan, I have other things that compensate it. The way I look at it if our finances were to be semi separated, his kids and mine would have completely different lifestyles. Which doesn't seem that fair and we do see ourselves as "one family".

No absolutely not. That just makes clear that the maintenance is seen as a joint expense and OP is willing to forgo her pension for it. That's wrong.

Does that mean that every married couple should have the same amount of spending money? Every relationship should pool EVERYTHING? If that's the case then you best spread the word because I'm pretty sure that is not how every couple operates, I don't think I know any couple who live like that.

So I'm abusive for making sure all 4 our children have a pile of presents to open on Christmas Day, nice holidays, days out and are made to feel all equal in our family? Yeh ok then, I'm an awful abusive wife and step mother 🙄

As I've pointed out above, yes some costs for my son come out of the joint point (ie mortgage, food, energy bills) but so do the additional costs we have for his 2 children who live with us part time, we still have an extra bedroom to pay for, food and energy costs for 2 nights a week, it probably equates to a similar amount as 1 full time child.
I pay for my son's hobbies out of my personal account, his clothes etc. I also pay for the child which we share, DH doesn't pay half of her clothes and hobbies.
ultimately, neither me or DH spend much on ourselves.

@AtoZZZ look at your pension and combine all of them into one - ideally the one with best return ect would be my first move for you.

If DH is only putting in £35 per month it won't be enough for you both when you retire. Especially with a disabled child.

Also given your a female is it worth you have enough years in NI contributions to claim state pension as sad and little as it is. Worth seeing how many years you have missed and make them up as a priority so you don't miss out in later life. Don't discount it, every little will help.

Of your nice things spending money, half it save the rest premium bones although have a lower return rate in interest rates on bank account it's government backed and if you need the money it takes 5 days to get it out, which will stop the adoc oh I can see the money there will just use a little and make you think about if touching the money is worth it

Winter is coming and it's gonna be a cold one (even for us) you need a oh shit kitty ideally one that you only touch if wolf is banging at the door.

Don't feel guilty about cutting back, simply put you are securing your families future. The grasshopper story springs to mind here.

Good luck ok and ignore the whole "your abusive" comments. Your not suggesting you start feeding the kids gruel and locking them under the stairs.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers DH's contribution in to his pension is only £35pcm (the minimum) but his employer puts in 10%, he's got a huge pension as it's been building since he was 18. If he never paid another penny in to it from now until he retires the both of us could live quite comfortably on his pension, plus we can downsize from our 4 bedroom house to a little cottage to release equity. My concern is that it is HIS pension, I want the security of my own pension, I don't want to rely on his money in my retirement. I've always been independent and I don't want that to change when I'm a pensioner.

Yes I'd be eligible for state pension, I've always been in employment from being 16 so I've had NI contributions so that's not an issue.