Finances...how do you manage yours?

[AtoZZZ]

I'm just interested to hear how other couples in a similar situation view money/bills/expenses etc when one partner pays child maintenance?

I've been with my DH for 12 years, he has 2 teenage children from his previous marriage who he sees regularly and pays child maintenance for. I have one child from a previous relationship and we have one child together.

We both earn a pretty similar amount, I'm earning more at the moment but only due to overtime, normally it's roughly the same.

We both pay the same amount in to a joint account for mortgage / bills / food shopping etc and DH pays maintenance to his ex out of his account, and there's usually a small amount remaining for bits for himself, but not much.

This means that I pay for all the extras - holidays, birthdays/Christmas etc (for all 6 of us), clothes for our children, meals, days out, kids hobbies etc...I've never even given it much thought until recently. I've just done it because I like us to do nice things and I've always just viewed our money as like one big pot.

But after a recent meeting with a financial adviser and a conversation with a friend in a similar boat it's made me question whether I should be being more guarded with my money. The financial advisor pointed out that I should be saving / investing more than what I can currently afford to because I'm effectively paying for my stepchildren to go on holiday etc and that DH should be contributing towards a lot of these extra costs, but he can't.

I'm just interested to know how other step parents deal with this kind of scenario?
I don't want us to not be able to afford nice things or to go on holidays etc. But I'm not getting any younger and need to think about my pension and making sure my future is protected (DH has an excellent pension whereas mine is virtually none existent).

I don't want a debate over how much we spend on what or how to save money, it's not about that, it's just whether other couples just pool income and see everything as joint or whether you keep your own money to yourself??

Are you married OP? If so then you will have a claim on his pension if you split up, although obviously it’s more tax efficient to pay into your own. That’s kind of the point of marriage, the legal sharing of assets so I don’t think that’s the main problem here. I’m surprised your financial adviser hasn’t spelled this out to be honest!

It does seem odd to me how your son is paid for out of the joint pot, yet your DH has to pay maintenance out of his personal money, obviously that will leave him with less to pay for the fun stuff. Do you receive maintenance for your son and is that paid into the joint pot?

It does seem odd to me how your son is paid for out of the joint pot, yet your DH has to pay maintenance out of his personal money,

They have a joint child though - of course the dad must pay these costs. But if flabbergasts me how many people think a SM should pay towards child maintenance for a child who isn't theirs biologically.

Yes but the OP also has a son from a previous relationship and therefore the stepdad is paying for his expenses through the joint pot. It flabbergasts me how some people think that the SM has absolutely no financial obligation to the DSC yet the SD should accept his stepchildren as part of the household cost.

@ChickPeaChic if that is the case as op has yet to confirm.

Also most sm always do it be up contributing to their step kids. They aren't morally obligated to but do, usually because they need bigger houses, more room ect more food. Op has also stated she pays for expensive holidays/luxurys for the whole family so it's not like DSD she's not contributing here.Not that children need expensive holidays to thrive.

That said I don't expect my DH to pay for my Dd and he doesn't expect me to pay for his Dd (my DSD) but I do expect him to pay equally towards our shared DC. That is fair. He has two biological children which he chose to have to needs to support.

@AtoZZZ oh that's good and I'm with you independence is the way forward in my opinion. Also because I'm a pandtic little so and so, it's more financially viable to sell your house and downsize than do equity release on your house via those companies that do them. There rates are often just hideous. IMO

@ChickPeaChic the OP is clearly paying more than her fair share. Her husband has two kids who aren't hers. She only has one who isn't his. And if I remember correctly, husband is paying zero for joint child.

Thank you for everyone's input, it has helped me to think about what is important to me and how I want our marriage to be.

It's disappointing to see that some people either can't read properly or just take in what they want to. I explained in the OP that our money is very much shared, yes we have separate accounts and also a joint account but we don't really have 'MY' money and 'HIS' money, my whole point to the post is to find out whether I should be being more guarded with my money as I am basically paying half of all the costs for my step children, as well as paying the majority of costs towards my own children. Child maintenance might not come out of the joint account but since I'm paying all the extras then yes it's coming out of the joint pot. Basically DH and I spend almost all of our money on the kids (only very occasionally buy things for ourselves or nights out etc), all the kids are treated as equally as possible by both of us. We don't keep tabs on who's child cost how much, all 4 of them are our children. I recently bought new mattresses for both DSS's, new clothes and PJ's for when they at our house, the money came from money that was saved from my account, but I didn't say to DH that he owed me that money. How utterly ridiculous and pathetic that anyone is squabbling over the fact that my son lives with us full time.
DH pays maintenance from his account because that standing order was in place long before I was on the scene, why change it from the joint account when we don't need to?
I save for birthdays / Christmas / holidays / home improvements in my personal account because I've got loads of different savings accounts because I've always put things in to different pots way before meeting DH. It doesn't mean it's 'MY' money, it's very much our family money. I've never seen a reason to change the way we manage our money until recently as the way we've done it has worked for us.

My son's biological Dad died when I was 5 months pregnant (very sudden and unexpected, he was only 26), DH has been in DS's life since he was was 6 months old, lived with him since he was 2. He treats him as his own whilst also respecting his deceased father, he has parental responsibility for him in case anything happened to me, at least I know that DS would be able to stay living with DH and he'd take care of him...what kind of a guy would start saying he's not contributing towards the child they have raised since they were a baby and has parental responsibility for?
There's a lot of shitty step parents out there but neither me or DH are one of them. People need to read things properly instead of jumping to a conclusion that the step mum is evil.

Anyway I've decided we are going to re-jig things slightly, I'm going to up my pension contributions so we have more equal investments, start a joint ISA for our medium term goals, open a joint Starling bank account as you can have separate pots for things, we'll pool everything and both have the same amount of money for 'spends' for ourselves in our personal accounts. It probably will mean that the treats will decrease slightly but it'll mean that our money is working better for us for our future.

I think that's the most fair way to do things, we're a team and always have been, I don't want to be in a situation of 'I paid for this...well I paid for that' that may work for some couples but to me that's not what marriage is about.

@AtoZZZ People need to read things properly instead of jumping to a conclusion that the step mum is evil.

No one with a ounce of senses thinks your a evil mum. Please ignore those comments it speaks more about them then it does anything else. Your plan sounds like a good one and your DSC are lucky to have you

Evil step mum**