To wonder what you would say to your former self as a sp

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

Couple of threads have got me thinking.
What would I tell past self if I got a redo over when I met DH ? Anyone like to share ?

I have had a hell of a time, some of which was expected, some just so vastly not. I certainly didn't think because I'm a sm people would automatically think i don't like my step children as a default setting. I have found that really hard to grasp that inherent distrust and where it comes from ?

Maybe I have spent to much time on the board and I'm over thinking it.

I found social situations ones that should be simple (if DSD wants me at x event I will be there) a landmine because actually you can tip the balance out of sync even if following DSC requests.

Holidays are a nightmare.

Christmas makes me want to hurt a blood vessel.

On balance I enjoy my DSD I find her interesting and obviously I love my DH and our weird loud family. But I can't help but think either I was really naive to think that everyone would just get on with things god know how many years down the line or I'm missing something? I came from a blended family I just had no idea of the sheer pressure adults must have been under?

I'm also shocked how people can miss things that to a "outsider" being obvious. How in blended families people like to shoot the messenger. How much pain is caused by lack of communication.

Why is it that when a sm says you know this parenting lark is hard people assume that you want rid of your DSC but if you took the step out the title people should just say. Kids love them but dammed it's hard.

Blended families are the largest growing group of family set ups. Surely time heals some wounds so that people can just get on ? Or is this just gonna keep going on until I die in a heap of stress.

Someone anyone give me some light in what is seeming like a world of darkness. Does it get easier (like parenting small children, the pressure gets less) ?

Should I assume my DSD will suddenly hate me until I'm old and grey (she currently likes me atm but teenage years might challenge that) do any step kids come out and say as adults oh god you know I was a terror but as a adult I get it ? I'm glad you were around or will I always be in this weird limbo.

I think the difficulty with step parents, step parenting and children is that some people, often the adults involved, assume that everyone should and will get on with each other and they don't. It's unrealistic to expect children not to be unhappy with the new situation. It's unrealistic to expect the children and the step parent to find the whole situation easy. It's not. I also think that often the father is divorced because he's pretty crap as a husband and father and the stepmother ends up picking up the pieces.
I've had both a stepfather and a stepmother. Both were fine but only because my own parents went out of their way to parent and not to expect the steps to do it for them.

@oldestmumaintheworld I hear you. I never expected it to be roses and flowers. But then I don't think any families are. I don't think step families are the exception to this but the rule.

I may be lucky because DH and his ex split up just simply for falling out of love, not because either of them is a nut or bad parent so it's easier but still so very hard.

But say DH/mum was either one of those things what I can't wrap my head around is why sm are blamed for these things and sf are simply not or at least not to the same level.

It seems to me that blended families and nuclear families face some of the same issues but the rules are different in the same game. Why ?

Being a step child I thought I knew what it would be like but it's so very different on the other side.

It's like being married people assume it's x but really it's y.

Don't do it 😑

But I think step parenting is a bit like foster parenting and if I had realised that in the beginning it might have turned out differently as I might not have gotten so resentful. Although my exh humongous double standards for his dc vs my dc would have still been a very big issue.

Don’t do it. And don’t feel bad for not “loving” his children as your own. Put your own child’s and your own mental health and self care first always.

I’d tell myself I RUN in the opposite direction. Immediately.

The stepfamily thing made it much harder, but I’ve come to realise that it was and always be a husband problem. It would have been terrible without the stepfamily issues. It’s just that the stepfamily context gave him so much additional scope to mistreat me. And it created a whole set of distractions and excuses (and many parts where I blamed myself) that helped to hide the root problem.

I wish I’d recognised what he is right at the start. And proceeded defensively in the first place. Much firmer boundaries right at the start would, I’m certain have put him off and he’d have gone to find someone else to take advantage of.

@MaxOverTheMoon I have worked closely with fostering and adoption services - but never seen it from the other view ! If you don't mind me asking what parrels do you see.

@Inamess2022 I think a fair amount of damage is done by expectation vs reality in terms of what is acceptable for a sm. Add in everyone's got their own rules, it's like playing a game but having no idea what the rules are so everyone makes it up as they go along.

V wise words I wonder if we can put that in a header at top of the board ? 🤔

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters you are dealing with a whole whole next level bollocks that you shouldn't have to lovely. It seems that he's positioned himself into a situation where he can literally beat you via the family dynamic your in. Blended families are hard enough but you weren't to know, just what type of man he is.

That said out of interest does the ex have contact with him? My abusive ex (not my ex DH) I have had various number of his gf basically reach out at one point and another with them asking did he do this to you too. Whole fucking load of us he tried to destroy. It's always the same depressing pattern. As you said even without the family set up he would have found ways to harm you. You and your Dc deserve so much better !

It is without a shadow of a doubt one of the hardest things I have ever done and has made me doubt my own sanity at times…hence why I am in the process of separating to focus on my child and I. Have realised that if you are forcing something it’s just not worth it anymore and if situations are making me feel uncomfortable what’s the point 🙁

@Inamess2022 nothing helpful I can say to that but 💐. It's incredibly brave to give love a chance so at least you can say you gave it your all.

I hope you find some happiness after all the dust has settled.

Sadly for me it’s ended up in a really toxic way, it’s been fairly crap for the last few years but clung on I suppose because I was scared of being alone and letting my son down again. The last straw was an argument three months ago in front of my ex’s child, initiated by the ex and because I told him to leave the house as his child was really upset I am now the big bad one and was in effect cut stone dead from his kids life. Oh and ex’s mother “couldn’t believe” I would treat her grandchildren that way. I am now picking up the pieces of my life and feel extremely sad but knowing ultimate that life will be calmer and peaceful in the long term without the stress that step parenting brings

@pitchforksandflamethrowers I have only ever had the misfortune to meet his exW. And she is truly dreadful, frankly. She’s gone out of her way to treat me incredibly nastily. With no reason beyond some drama she was trying to build up for her own reasons.

Tbh, I think the pair of them may have deserved each other. Neither of them appear to have any conscience. They both manipulate people and situations for everything they can get. The fact that she is patently very horrible and difficult. actually added to the difficulty in seeing that he is as bad as she is. We aren’t talking the kind of awful and difficult that is what happens when you’ve had to deal with a manipulative arsehole like him. No. It’s very calculated and calculating nastiness with a clear goal in mind.

I suspect his ex from before he got caught in someone else’s narcissistic trap (let’s not feel sorry for him there; he just got caught by one that’s smarter than he is!) would have a very interesting story to tell. He claims it was a very nice relationship of 5 years and so on. But bits of information that have come out at various points piece together to suggest that he treated her like shit, totally took advantage of her, led her to believe he was going to start a family with her and marry her, and then got bored and cheated on her with his exW. I suspect that, a decade later, she’s processed it and has a lot of interesting things to say about the bastard.

@Inamess2022 They can be excellent at behaving badly and then painting you as the villain to all and sundry. The SC are incredible cover for this fake victimhood schtick.

I’m really sorry to hear it went so badly for you too.

You’ve completely summed him up. Publically dad of the year, wonderful dad of three, would do anything for his daughters including getting a manicure with one of them. Makes such a massive deal about “co parenting” and how great it is and judges anyone that doesn’t do things his way 🙄 And my god I was made to feel abnormal because I didn’t “love and embrace” his children like I did my own son..the sort of man that would say I was socially awkward around his kids if I went to my bedroom for my own space.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters nice to see karma around and he met his match as it were. Probably why he cheated on the previous one with the ex wife. Birds of a feather and flock together. The ex prior to the wife is probably still in therapy recovering from it, sure as hell know I still am. But to come across one like your ex DH was incredibly unlucky. My abusive ex often told pals he wished he had for me pregnant so I could have never left. Actually awful line of thinking. Hold strong.

@Inamess2022 ick if anyone said I was socially awkward for needing space just as a human. I would tell them they were socially awkward for not knowing space is a natural thing in any relationship. Always found the incredibly insecure people the most judgement iMO.

Interesting to see though out of the comments the relationships breaking down are really down to crappy abusive men with kids opposed to the kids themselves, which long confirms a theory I have had is that actually no matter what the step child it's like, it's the handling of the parent or parent that is the make or break in a step family. Just in my opinion obviously. I often think that the kids are a red herring when sm is suffering in blended family because they have as about as much control as sm does in the situation.

I'm not sure I would tell myself to run, just to be a bit more street smart! Because I came into the relationship with only benign intentions, I didn't consider that other family members would automatically be assigning the worst of motives to me. When people do this, nothing you do is right with them and the dawning realization is extremely painful. Even in the face of masses of completely contradictory evidence, people can and do spin anything to make you out to be a horrible person.

I would have printed out things like Universal Rights, Personal Bill of Rights, Human Bill of Rights - and etched them on my soul. And got myself into counselling from the off.

I agree with thinking of your relationship with the children more in fostering terms. Expect even adult children to regress massively and start acting like angry toddlers! Lots of boundary testing, and trying to force a pecking order.

Because you come into a well-established family, where do you fit? If you come with the accoutrements that respect is normally associated with, expect anything you say to be denigrated, discounted and dismissed by those whose position in the family is based only on bullying their way into it.

I would tell myself to keep our separate houses and not move in together until all the kids had left home. I miss being able to relax in my own house, and not have to worry about anyone else but myself and my own child.

It's hard because my first reaction to this question is "don't do it" but then I wouldn't have my DC whom I love and wouldn't be without. So on reflection I'd make sure I never ever started with any "help" that snowballs into expectation. I'd keep a much clearer distance and boundary between what I was and wasn't willing to do and like PP, I'd love to live separately so I could be relatively undisturbed by DSCs coming and DH could come to mine when they weren't there... Sounds like bliss tbh 🤣

I agree that I’d be firm about never living together or pooling finances. Or the help that somehow becomes duty and expectation.

I will never live with a man ever again. My peaceful home is far too important to me.

@SpaceshiptoMars I see my future though some of what you have said in the past and it's gentle very large stark reminder that I too should get those printed.

I hadn't even really ackinned it to fostering but actually you have the right of it. I suppose that's were all the poor DSC mentality comes in because often the kids are hurt by their mum and dad breaking. It's clear from this board that also there are a lot of hurt feelings mums feel (that may not come out in the most productive ways)

I'm with you on the social narrative. I have watched people change gear (people I have know for years) when realise I'm not only a ex first wife (to be pettied) to also a sm (to be vilified) people just cannot shake these two titles in their brains. It's frustrating because no matter what I say people still give me the look. Does my head in.

The finance one is a biggie, I'm entirely grateful that some posters helped me see the wood from the trees when I was getting a whole dose of but your fammmilllyyy pool all your money in the pot or you aren't family.

I don't think I would say run to myself because I also wouldn't say run to my ex husband (yes I'm outting myself as a first wife and a sm - the worst of both worlds haha) even knowing it didn't work out.

I wonder if I had said keep the houses separate whether I would have managed to convince my past self that joining wasn't the greatest idea. I suspect I would have been like don't be so silly your dsd is part of the family and deserves to feel welcome.
Sigh. Hindsight being beautiful thing.

I have to say though lovely, you met a cracker of a man. Your ex is a one in a million type of person (I fucking hope) and not in a good way.

You have sustained a massive amount of abuse over a long period. That changes someone. Your problem was less blended family more he used the blended element to hurt you and your Dc. I don't blame you given everything.

I'd say it was absolutely worth it. My SC are adults now. Everyone has a happy loving and fulfilling relationship with each other. There's been the odd bump in the road (almost exclusively caused by DHs XW) but they were nothing considering the joy we get out of our relationships. 20 years into being a step parent now

Should I assume my DSD will suddenly hate me until I'm old and grey (she currently likes me atm but teenage years might challenge that) do any step kids come out and say as adults oh god you know I was a terror but as a adult I get it ? I'm glad you were around or will I always be in this weird limbo.

My mum came into my half-sisters' lives when they were 8 and 10, and they were varying amounts of difficult (!!!) during their teens. As adults, they have both repeatedly told her how grateful they are for her presence in their lives then and now, and apologised for their behaviour when younger. My father is estranged from all of us now, but my sisters and my mum still count themselves as family. There are some happy endings for SM and SC!

Don't do it! I was SO young and like a previous poster said, EXDH used step parenting issues as a way to abuse and control me. I tried so, so hard and we had our own two DC together. But the issue was not DSD, it was my 'D'P at the time. Funnily enough, adult DSD and I are still in contact and see each other at Christmas etc and she is nc with her dad.

I wish someone had told me to get out and that it was someone I would have listened to.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers

From a childs POV whether it's foster care or living with a step parent they're still living with an adult that isn't their parent and like dc in foster care most often would prefer their dms burnt oven chips and turkey dinosaurs over a healthy nutritious dinner (I'm not saying all sdc have shit mums who don't cook). If you've always been allowed coco pops for breakfast and suddenly you're dad and step mum are saying coco pops is a treat and not for every day it feels like an attack on who they are and they feel betrayed by dad.

In foster care it's similar and often foster carers tear their hair out and feel resentful because dc aren't eating their spag bol. First rule of foster parenting is - you aren't their mum and they will always want their mum and their mums way of doing things. Children that weren't looked after properly still love their mums. They also may see mum, have contact and mum drips in poison about their foster carer and social worker so the loyalty binds are the same.

However, foster carers get trained, they understand it's not going to be easy, it's recommended that they don't have their own dc at home or there's a large age gap preferably with foster dc being the youngest and they have a huge support network of other foster carers to let off steam too. They aren't seen in society as the bad one, they're actually seen as good (apart from in the eyes of lots of dc who have gone through the system). Most foster carers develop a necessary boundary and over the years stop taking shit personally. Step mums are thrown into the deep end with none of that support but you're still doing the same job, usually with your own dcs needs to contend with that are competing with sdc needs.

Most step dc on this forum are traumatised dc otherwise their behaviour wouldn't be like it is and we wouldn't be complaining about it. I think if I had seen this and not got so fustrated with my ex, his ex and their kids behaviour it might have turned out differently. Plus foster carers have the backing of social workers, something step mums don't get.

Most people would struggle to be a foster carer but we demonise step mums for the same struggles.

Also - there was a thread in relationships not long ago talking about husbands and love and dc. Lots of posters were saying that their husband makes them the centre of the home, that he shows the dc how to treat mum and cherish her. A step mum doesn't get appreciated or cherished. Dads are always on guard to make sure their dc are included in everything, even the marital bed. If you had a normal family system half of these issues wouldn't be an issue and sdc issues would be taken into account more as it wouldn't be you vs them in every single little thing. I would tell my former self - don't marry him, don't be a step mum, keep him as your boyfriend if you must but know that you will never be cherished and centred and you will have to be happy about putting your exes need to compensate for his kid not living with him over your basic relationship needs.

I got a lot of good advice when I first embarked on the step parenting. I have no children of my own, and was late 30s when I first started going out with DH.

And I took it really slowly.

We've had our moments. We really have. And there was times when I was waking up at 5am to frantically google places to rent to move out.

But we get on pretty well now. Got a good relationship with the ex, my in laws, her family.

I think taking a step (or 3) back was really important for me and them.