To wonder what you would say to your former self as a sp

[pitchforksandflamethrowers]

Couple of threads have got me thinking.
What would I tell past self if I got a redo over when I met DH ? Anyone like to share ?

I have had a hell of a time, some of which was expected, some just so vastly not. I certainly didn't think because I'm a sm people would automatically think i don't like my step children as a default setting. I have found that really hard to grasp that inherent distrust and where it comes from ?

Maybe I have spent to much time on the board and I'm over thinking it.

I found social situations ones that should be simple (if DSD wants me at x event I will be there) a landmine because actually you can tip the balance out of sync even if following DSC requests.

Holidays are a nightmare.

Christmas makes me want to hurt a blood vessel.

On balance I enjoy my DSD I find her interesting and obviously I love my DH and our weird loud family. But I can't help but think either I was really naive to think that everyone would just get on with things god know how many years down the line or I'm missing something? I came from a blended family I just had no idea of the sheer pressure adults must have been under?

I'm also shocked how people can miss things that to a "outsider" being obvious. How in blended families people like to shoot the messenger. How much pain is caused by lack of communication.

Why is it that when a sm says you know this parenting lark is hard people assume that you want rid of your DSC but if you took the step out the title people should just say. Kids love them but dammed it's hard.

Blended families are the largest growing group of family set ups. Surely time heals some wounds so that people can just get on ? Or is this just gonna keep going on until I die in a heap of stress.

Someone anyone give me some light in what is seeming like a world of darkness. Does it get easier (like parenting small children, the pressure gets less) ?

Should I assume my DSD will suddenly hate me until I'm old and grey (she currently likes me atm but teenage years might challenge that) do any step kids come out and say as adults oh god you know I was a terror but as a adult I get it ? I'm glad you were around or will I always be in this weird limbo.

@CharlieAndTooManyCharacters I agree with every word you have written. Especially this: It’s just that the stepfamily context gave him so much additional scope to mistreat me. And it created a whole set of distractions and excuses (and many parts where I blamed myself) that helped to hide the root problem.

The finance one is a biggie, I'm entirely grateful that some posters helped me see the wood from the trees when I was getting a whole dose of but your fammmilllyyy pool all your money in the pot or you aren't family.

Beware of those who think you have to buy your way into the family! If tempted, remember those are the ones who are most likely to take the money and run, or worse, take the money and then kick you out.

@MaxOverTheMoon you know I have never thought of it like that but your bang on. Honestly so bang on I'm thinking I was rather thick never to have made the link !

You know this is lovely to hear and sometimes when your in the thick of it lovely to hear about !! Thank you for sharing.

The teen years are rough is all I'm gonna say

You're not thick @pitchforksandflamethrowers I'm a social worker and train foster carers and didn't get it whilst I was living in it!

Foster carers are also trained to expect a honeymoon phase (which we definitely had) a pushing boundaries stage and deceptive settling stage which proceeds a bigger testing of boundaries. Step families don't get the same advice.

Tbh it shouldn't even be on stepmums to understand, single dads should be the ones understanding this and supporting their dc and their new partners with it. I'm not blaming them, if you don't know you don't know, but it should be much more widely published. You can't expect your new partner to put up with your traumatised dc - but some men, like my exh, can't see anything past their dad guilt and get entrenched in their position as society tells them they are right and step mum is wrong.