Miscarrying while SDC over

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m having medical management for a missed miscarriage. I had the tablets yesterday and I’m bleeding quite a lot and in a lot of pain. I haven’t slept well obviously. DH collects the SDC today for 5 days of holiday contact - they are 6 and 9 and v energetic. How should I manage the situation? They are usually wanting DH to entertain them and take them out and bouncing around the house.

DH offered to have his parents take them out, but I don’t know how long the pain will last for. Was thinking I could just stay in bed and have the en suite bathroom to myself while DH keeps checking on me? Does that sound reasonable? I’m worried as DSS has his birthday party here in a couple of days and I don’t think I’ll be emotionally or physically up to it.

I have my own dc, but they are teens and fairly self sufficient so that hasn’t been an issue.

I didn’t see the post that has gone, which is probably a good thing.

Just got irrationally upset because the in-laws came and didn’t acknowledge the miscarriage in any way - I was hoping they might bring a card or flowers. It feels like the pregnancy never existed because people don’t know what to do or say. Argued with DH and sent him out of my room because I was upset. I’m being ridiculous.

I’m being ridiculous. no you're not at all. You've recognised it is because they don't know what to do or say. Be kind to yourself, you're allowed the "ugly" thoughts xx

@Iusedtobedontcall please please don't read any nasty comments that are posted in your state please the pp clearly has issues. Glad it's been deleted.

Your not being ridiculous and I speak from experience here, you suppress the ugly emotions for the benefit of others.. one way or another they always come out. Let them out so you can rebuild rather than keeping them in and later when you won't have so much grace from others letting all the horrors out. Think of it as cleaning the wound as such, if you don't it will never heal properly.

When I lost my first DC I kept it in, and although his actions were questionable post that, I do partly take responsibility that keeping the ugly emotions suppressed contributed to the break down of our marriage.

Your human. Your allowed to be human.

I don’t know why someone would be nasty when I’ve just lost a much wanted baby. I’m not a bad person and I’m not saying I don’t want the DSC here, I just wanted to know the best way of dealing with it.

I will be ok - think DH was annoyed when I told him to go away!

it definitely isn’t about you if someone posted anything other than sympathy and support on here. There is something very wrong with anyone who’d do that.

@pitchforksandflamethrowers is absolutely right. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel right now. And to do what you need to do to get through this. It’s such a hard thing to go through.

@Iusedtobedontcall unfortunately and I don't say this of all posters, this board is visited by sometimes fairly vile people who will say vile thing just because your a step mum and they have issues with blended families. I have seen plenty of kind people who aren't step mums on here but unfortunately this board attracts more than the average.

Is disappointing that as women who likely have experienced or know someone who's experienced a loss of a much wanted baby and decided to be hideous anyway. It says more about them than you.

Frankly I don't give a toss what people say but after I lost my child, I couldn't bare any children being around me. So I didn't and the world didn't end.

Your allowed to take up space is what I'm saying.

He should understand though, give him time, he'll realise it's becuase you're going through a lot right now.

I'm so sorry you've lost your baby. I went through it too in January and I'm a similar age to you so i understand the feeling that it was maybe the last chance.

Do your DSC need to be with you for there contact time right now? Could oh DP swap with their mum for another time? When it happened to me, it was due to be our weekend with my dp's ds but we decided to cancel which was absolutely the best thing for us both.

Everyone is different but I needed by dp with me all the time through the worst parts. And he needed to be with me as he struggled with the shock and grief aswell.

Whatever you do be kind to yourself xx

Contact isn’t flexible with the DSD. So regardless of what is going on, contact happens as usual and we manage around it. It’s not amicable with their mum either - so contact is court ordered. It’s been ok them being around and DH has been able to support me still. They are out for ice cream with the in laws now. I think that if it was easy to swap around we may have done, but it’s worked out ok.

I am sorry for all the losses on this thread and thank you for taking the time to offer support, it’s really helped.

In-laws are now downstairs having a cup of coffee while DH hosts. I don’t really want anyone else in the house today - but I know that’s not really fair of me.

It IS fair of you. If you can’t cope with people in the house right now, that’s ok.

Can they go out for a cup of tea instead?

They are already here. I want DH to be here to support me and I feel a bit resentful that they haven’t personally acknowledged my loss. It will be fine. It just negates the taking the kids out so that DH can support me, because now he’s hosting them, if that makes sense. I’m being petty I know.

They are gone now - so just trying to relax a bit. Feel wobbly, literally and metaphorically. Just managed to have a shower and the bleeding has slowed.

It's not petty OP. When I had my MMC it was just before my SILs wedding. I was just out of hospital after the D&C and my DH had to go and collect his DM and take her for a trial make up session near us (mother of the bride). She walked in the house wittering on about the wedding and seemed to stop short when she saw the cards and flowers in the house. She knew about the MC but hadn't acknowledged it (it was my first pregnancy after years of trying and would have been her first GC). When DH collected his DM after the make up session she walked in with a very small bunch of flowers that had obviously been picked up at a garage. Such an afterthought and it left me feeling very upset. A week later she wanted me to drive her to and from her DDs hen night, a 1.5hr trip each way. Naturally I declined. Some people just don't think. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. It's just shitty and horrible and I am sending you hugs.
I had a MC and could barely cope with my own children during the bleeding phase- it was just too much to bear. So I don't blame you at all for not wanting to see your stepchildren. Also, it might not be nice for them to see you weak and unwell.
When you have the chance, please do talk openly and grieve properly with your husband. My MC was the beginning of the end for my marriage. He still doesn't talk about it at all- I think he (needlessly) carries a lot of guilt. He treated me badly during that time, but I also didn't tell him what I needed, and I didn't express my frustration.
For now though, do the things that make life easier for you. This is a horrible experience for a woman, please know that you're allowed to feel as upset or angry as you want x

You are not being petty about anything.

this is not a petty thing in the least.

be kind to yourself about all of this. It’s a very hard thing.

It is hard. It’s probably partly hormonal. I’ve just had a good cry. I’ve known the pregnancy wasn’t viable for two weeks but it’s only hit me now properly.

It’s so hard.

I found that my miscarriage hit me in waves emotionally. It hit me in different ways at different times. It was over a year ago now and I find that the emotions of it still sneak up on me unexpectedly in some ways.

You are allowed to feel however you feel and respond to this in whatever way you need to. There is absolutely no right way to feel. Or any right way to react to any of it.

It does help if you can tell your husband what you need. But I understand that isn’t necessarily easy to know or do in the moment. It certainly was not for me.

In a lot of pain. Cant sleep and it hurts to move.

Walking can help. When you feel pressure keep feet up on stool when you sit. It will come in waves. You aren't alone. Make sure DH is with you. Bath will help if pain in unbearable.

Take painkillers if you need. Pain will ease right off once it's all passed I do promise that !

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

Thank you. I have feet up on a chair now and holding hot water bottle. The physical and emotional pain is so draining.

It's bloody exhausting. I felt each time I had gone 10 rounds with Mike tison and lost.

It will will ease up.

It often happens at night. Take any painkillers you can co codemal will help take edge off. Would recommend taking something to sleep as this may or may not go on for ages (as I said I had one short and one long one and there isn't a way to predict it either way)

Please keep us updated lovely. Thinking of you !

A warm shower helps too if you stand and let the water run over your tummy. Or if you don't feel able to stand sit in the bath and let the shower run over you. Ask EPAU about having a bath as well. I asked when I'd gone back in for medical management because I wasn't sure if I could have one and they said it was absolutely fine. Another thing that helped with the pain for me was an electric blanket. I found it covered a wider area than just a hot water bottle.

Thank you. I got some sleep eventually last night, took a nytol which helped. I’ll try the warm shower idea. I woke up feeling like a new woman this morning, but then did a bit too much I think and I’m back in bed!