Miscarrying while SDC over

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m having medical management for a missed miscarriage. I had the tablets yesterday and I’m bleeding quite a lot and in a lot of pain. I haven’t slept well obviously. DH collects the SDC today for 5 days of holiday contact - they are 6 and 9 and v energetic. How should I manage the situation? They are usually wanting DH to entertain them and take them out and bouncing around the house.

DH offered to have his parents take them out, but I don’t know how long the pain will last for. Was thinking I could just stay in bed and have the en suite bathroom to myself while DH keeps checking on me? Does that sound reasonable? I’m worried as DSS has his birthday party here in a couple of days and I don’t think I’ll be emotionally or physically up to it.

I have my own dc, but they are teens and fairly self sufficient so that hasn’t been an issue.

Firstly, sorry you're going through this.

Your idea sounds perfectly fine. Stay in your room if that's what you need. DH can explain you are ill so in bed. They're is no need for you to be involved with DSS at all at the moment. Take care.

Thank you. It’s a bit painful to spend time with everyone at the moment, aside from the physical pain - it’s the emotional side of things too.

I can imagine the emotional side is very tricky. I think you need to do whatever it is you need to do to get through this. Don't worry about anyone else right now.

I would just keep yourself to yourself in your room, get your DH to do everything with DSC and have some time to yourself. He can tell them you're not feeling well, that's all he needs to say.

I think your plan sounds reasonable too. Sorry you are going through this. I do think you need to be careful re the birthday party though. They are young children and I think need to be shielded a bit from what you are going through so they can enjoy the birthday and party. Easier said than done I know.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going there. I can empathise because I’ve been there, including the birthday.

He needs to take them out as much as possible, tell then you’re very poorly and need to stay in bed and to have peace and quiet. Stay in your pjs, do anything and everything you want to to stay as comfortable as possible. I found moving around helped a bit at times. Keep the number for your EPU to hand and your phone charged up. Keep an eye on your pain and blood loss and if you’re panicking or in too much pain or think you need to be seen then get the grandparents to have them for a bit if they can and he takes you in. Medical management doesn’t work for everyone and you want to be seen asap if needed.

My heart goes out to you. Be honest with DH about how you’re doing, don’t hesitate to call or go in if you need to.

They can enjoy the birthday party but if I’m not well I’m not going to join them. I’m more bothered about what I’m going through at the moment, so I think they can be told that I’m unwell. It’s not DSS actual birthday - he’s with his mum on the day.

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert . It’s very painful as I would love a healthy pregnancy but I’m 42 so it may never happen again. I am getting through a lot of pads but it’s hard to know what is normal and what isn’t.

I agree. They will still enjoy their birthday party. Don't be made to feel guilty as though their enjoyment of their birthday party relies on you being there and slapping on a smile. It doesn't, they are kids and they will enjoy it whether you're there or not (no offence!).

Put yourself first this week and do what you need to do. Your DSC will be fine.

I had a spontaneous MC while on holiday with my (tricky) parents and a 3yo. It was bad for a couple of days then I was well enough to accompany on trips but no energy.

But as you know the emotional side is huge and your hormones are going to be wrecked too.

Definitely just hunker up with a hot water bottle and snacks and if DH takes the kids out, know you can settle on the sofa, potter etc for a couple of hours.

The hospital said DH should stay with me in the days following the medical management- so I’m going to get him to get his parents to take them out later if they are bored. I think he’s ok to leave me for ten mins or so - but don’t want to be left alone for too long in case it gets worse.

I can’t get out of bed at the moment other than to go to the toilet. The EPU nurse said I might feel faint and I feel dizzy and sick.

Ok firstly and more importantly I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby.

Now having been in your shoes many times sadly I don't say this to frighten you but I want you to be prepared.

Those tablets induce labour, essentially depending on how far along you are depends on pain but frankly it hurts. Watch out for clots bigger than 50p (call doctors if you do asap) you will be in pain until baby passes. Then bleed fairly heavily after.

I also want to say that this may go on a while (much like labour) pot like and all that jazz. One of mine was over in a few days (the worst past at any rate) the most recent I was crippled and because it had been not to painful for a while but not unbearably so I foolishly went to Tescos and it started then and some kind women had to literally pick me up the floor.

You will not be in a state to entertain juggle or do anything when it hits.. it will come in waves. You can't predict when either.

Put towels down at night in bed, get a fan. You may get terrible night sweats, it will pass it's the hormones coming down. Hot water bottles, hot baths and lots of rest.

Also a note to anyone who comes along to pass some type of judgemental crap on here and try and make her feel guilty, this poster is actively miscarrying ... so don't even think about it.

If ever there was a post to scroll on if you can't be a decent human being this is it.

Look at Tommy's website, they have a helpline for dealing with baby loss with experienced midwives on the end of a phone.

You can do this. I know it's a lot, but trust me you can do this. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. I'm thinking of you 💐

They’ve been here an hour and a bit now and it’s been ok - just in my bedroom and v glad of the en suite so I’ve got some privacy. I’m sore but comfortable at the moment. Just bored! In too much pain to get up and do anything and can’t really concentrate on watching anything, so just listening to the rain.
Grandparents are taking them out for a bit later as I was worried they would be bored at home all day.

Thank you @pitchforksandflamethrowers . I thought I had lost the sac yesterday but the pain and bleeding continues today so it may not have been. A bit worried the mattress is ruined, but I’ll concern myself with that later. I don’t think the EPU prepared me for how much blood there would be.

Also remember grief has so so many faces. Whatever emotions you feel sadness anger ect it's all some of griefs many faces.

Don't expect you and DH to grieve the same way or feel the same at each time.

Some days it will feel like your swimming in the ocean and your drowning waves crashing a round, some days the ocean will seem calm and you cope better. Each day will be different, do what you need to do to survive and keep fighting and swimming, even if your head goes under for a bit. Keep fighting to reach the surface. It won't get less and go away but it will get easier to handle and one day you might find someone else in the same situation and you can help them to navigate these awful dark waters.

No one wants to be in this shitty boat, no one chose this, and there's lots and lots of women in this bastarding boat. And we are cheering you on, you aren't alone even though right now I know you feel the most alone you have ever been.
One day each day at a time.

Also if you are called in for a Dc (honestly it feels scary but it's not as awful as it seems) and personally but I would prefer a Dc to those tablets each time, recovery doesn't seem as long obviously just my opinion.

@Iusedtobedontcall also if there's a lot of pain you may not have passed it all or be retaining some of it (I did and started haemorrhaging and needed a Dc anyway)

I really wish they would explain that these tablets because they are strong often cause women to bleed a lot and then need a Dc anyway. Buggers. Cost cutting in nhs at its finest

I'm crossing everything this passes quickly for you lovely I really am xxx

Also I'm so sorry to say this so bluntly. Puppy pads. Even when you have passed everything you will bleed a lot esp when you stand up. Puppy pads.

Sorry for multiple posts too !!

Thank you @pitchforksandflamethrowers - that really helps. I currently have night pads, incontinence knickers (thanks DH!) and an incontinence pad on the bed which seems to be containing things for now. I keep feeling like I need a wee but there’s nothing there.

The DC are all quiet - feel a bit guilty as haven’t said hi, but don’t really want them seeing me like this. DH normally picks the DSC up at a neutral drop off point but high conflict EX dropped them off at ours in the circumstances so maybe she does have a heart after all!

Adult nappies. I know they're for incontinence but I have found them an absolute godsend on a night time in bed. After 5miscarriages, my periods have become a lot more heavier now. Of course I didn't think to actually wear them during my 4th one and ended up ruining a brand new mattress. I did get caught out a few times with a massive bleeds after I sneezed and ended up soaking straight through thick pads. Try and rest up as much as you can. I didn't leave my bed for the first week apart from to go to the toilet and to make a bit of dinner. For me it was and still is the emotional side to it. I think a lot of people especially if they haven't gone through it themselves expect you to be up running and back to normal both physically, mentally and emotionally. What they don't realise is there's days when you might find yourself thinking I should be this many weeks now. I found my due dates hard but I always try and do something around my due dates, anniversaries and birthdays. That helps me a lot. Another thing that helped me was to name the Babies we lost. All ours although all first trimester losses have unisex names or the nicknames we used during the time I was Pregnant. I also have a little corner in my bedroom with things I've collected where I can just sit and reflect on things if and when I need to and I can now talk and mention their names without suddenly breaking down every time. There are times I still struggle such as pregnancy announcements but I've learnt now to just unfollow.

Sorry to hear, @Iusedtobedontcall

Your plan sounds very wise. No one would expect anything else.

Leave DH and the ILs to pick up and don’t worry about it. Is there any way the party can be moved elsewhere or is it too tricky? Pizza Express?

🌺

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Don’t feel guilty about anything at all - you need to concentrate on you right now.

I’m so sorry op. Stop feeding guilty about them! Imagine if you had gastro - this is fresh in my mind as this was me a few days ago… Dh took over and I stayed in bed and didn’t spare the 7 & 4yo a thought, why would I? They are with their dad and I’m ill, your sdc are also going to be absolutely fine with their dad and you are definitely unwell, it just happens to not be gastro.

It’s just a little tea party with the in laws, so I’ll just stay in bed while it’s happening. Even if I’m physically over the worst of it in a couple of days, I can’t imagine I’ll be up to much socialising.

Definitely don't feel guilty! So sorry you are going through this.

What helped me was a hot water bottle and those microwaveable hot things as I had back pain along with the cramps.

My DH didn't take time off when I had mine so I was home alone with 2 very small children (they were 3 and 1) which was hard trying to be mammy and I also only took one week off work which was stupid. Physically I healed quickly but mentally it has affected me a lot more than I ever thought it would. Sending ❤️ op and be kind to yourself.