Tips to like adult dsc more

[Penguinsaregreat]

Hi

Dh has 2 adult children, by adult I mean 26 years old.
I met dh when they were older teens technically adults.
I don’t know if it’s due to the menopause or what but I can’t help think that I dislike one of his adult children.
We hardly see them to be honest only when we are taking them out somewhere and invariably paying for them or dh picks them up and brings them to our house and we cook for them.
We are due to take them out soon and dh had said we will be footing the bill (as always).
For context dsc has never done a days work in their life not so much as a Saturday job. They are extremely difficult to engage with. For example dh would pick them up to come over for dinner, they would say Hi then immediately sit just on their phone until dinner was ready. Eat their dinner then take their pots into the kitchen , leaving them there for us to deal with, then back on their phone. Dh or I would try to strike up a conversation to be met with a nod.
They do have friends and speak freely to their sibling.
They used to come here twice a week for dinner.
Dh has said dsc likes me and said I am a much nicer person than his ex.
Any advise on how to not feel resentful when dh foots the bill again. Or how to brush my feelings aside.
For context I have children and they have all had jobs even when at university.
My children also find dsc rude.

How old are these “adult” step children

It's right there in the post.

I wouldn't pay to go out for meals with people who don't contribute to the conversation. Would they be happier just spending time with their dad on their own?

So 26

and you say never worked a day

so how do they live? Are they studying?

I can see why you haven't really built a relationship with them, if they never talk to you, how can you? How is it st 26 they don't work?

I'd just leave him to it with them to be honest. What on earth are they doing at 26 to have never worked?

26 and never worked ?

That aside, you hardly see them. Just grit your teeth an bear them (or is it bare ?)

I know your DH says they like you but perhaps they actually don’t? Are they socially awkward? I was a bit like this with my step parent when I was younger and it’s mostly because I felt really awkward around this person that I hardly knew and didn’t really want to know but wanted to have a relationship with my parent.

They don't sound very likeable tbh. I'd leave them to it when they go out for dinner - arrange something to do by yourself or with friends.

Who pays when you take your children out to dinner?

Are they additional needs going on here? Who’s paying their bills if they don’t work?

I wouldn’t pressure yourself to like someone who makes no effort to engage at all. DH can meet up 1 to 1, the DSC may find that easier, and you won’t have to be involved. That’s what I’d do. We can’t like everyone and not everyone will like us. That’s okay.

You don't need to like them. They are adult humans who based on your post don't have a lot of redeemable features. It is your DH's choice to foot the bill. The only way forward is to disengage

Of course dh is free to see them on his own.
He wants us all to go out together though which is fair enough.
My (younger) children pay for themselves mostly except my you great who is at university. Also when we have all been out together because of the situation we end up paying for everyone which I resent.
I can’t see my dcs pay for an event when dsc get it paid for.
Yes like many many people including myself when I was younger they are socially awkward.

Just let DH see them on their own. I used to be in this exact situation and just left them all to it. DH still asks about us all hanging out together, but admits this is because he also finds them hard work, and prefers it when I come to spark the conversation. He’s not willing to expect them to behave properly though, so until he does, it’s his job, not mine.

Honestly? This is small stuff. The cost of a joint meal is nothing, noootttthhhhing, I tell you! Compare it to the cost of therapy, when those same SDC decide to actively oppose or break up your relationship....

Presumably that SDC is on benefits and isn't likely to need to live with you? If so, just count your blessings that they are OK with your company and accept them with a smile and a nod. They don't have to talk, cats don't!

At 26, if they are not living with you, it is not your job or your responsibility to ease them into the workplace. Are you worried that they will end up on the street and you'll have to pick up the pieces?

I find it rude though. Like I said I’m getting more intolerant.
They don’t offer to see dh ever unless dh makes the effort.
My kids are different , self sufficient and more sociable. It would be nice to look forward to socialising with them but I guess it will just be silence or them sat on their phone.
Oh well thanks for the suggestions looks like I’ll just have to grit my teeth and smile.

You haven’t answered why at 26 they have never worked a day in their life, additionalbeeds? How are they supported?

Not working a day at 26 suggests something a little out of the norm, most people have done some work by then even as students.

There isn't anything you can do about the interactions between dad and his adult kids.

I don't think parents paying for meals is particularly unusual although my parents didn't my MIL did.

Why aren't they self sufficient at 26? Are there additional needs involved?

As for paying I always do, and I think all my friends pay when out with their adult kids. Unless the child earns more than the parent. So your dh paying wouldn't bother me (and I'd be paying for my kids anyway).
As for them not engaging that's different and rude. And I'd actually say 'hey X and Y how bout you do both the washing up tonight?
And why is it they don't work?

I don’t want to out myself by saying too much because by 26 most people have worked. I certainly had and my parents did not pay for meals out and I was made to wash up etc after myself which I am told they always did at home.
No additional needs at all. Very introverted. Never offers to buy the drinks etc or bring anything. They do buy dh birthday presents and Christmas presents.
I am going to try and strike up conversation as does dh. Just find it hard work and as we are not wealthy annoying when someone never makes their way to the bar, or even says you order and I’ll get the next drinks. Or anything to that effect.

I’m going to think of questions to ask them too. I don’t have the same interests at all. Dh shares some interests so I’ll make a conscious effort to try and keep the conversation going. They are not a bad person just difficult to engage with.
Thinking positive might help too.

No additional needs at all. Very introverted. Never offers to buy the drinks etc or bring anything.

I wouldn't be so sure about no additional needs. Mine were very similar when I first took them on, and although they didn't have a diagnosis then, they do now! Very, very specific interests only. You need to go to them, and enter their world.

Two 26 year olds that have never worked

and your dh doesn’t provide financially support them beyond paying for the odd meal out

very odd situation

how long have you been in their lives?

Why don't you all Do something together rather than just all sitting there Play a board game or go out for a movie or something.

It's not unusual for the adult adults to pay for the younger adults.