I know it's me but

[MavisBeacon1234]

First time poster but Pom bears, penis beaker and all that.

I know that Mumsnet isn't the safest place to post when you are a step parent but I am at the end of my tether and need to rant. I also know I have a husband problem.

So my SC are a complete nightmare and I'm done. They are both boys aged 14 and 16. I have been in their lives for 10 years and married to my H for 5 years. When they are here their behaviour has always been abhorrent from fighting and knocking lumps out of each other this has now graduated to swearing, racist comments ( think white kids dropping n words so maybe not racist but can't think of what to call it) none of that language is used at my house.

I am embarrassed to go any where with them because they just don't know how to behave and my H does nothing to correct their behaviour.

I don't play a "step mum" role as they have a mum and don't need another one. I don't have children of my own they actually put me off having them. So maybe that has a plays apart of me not understanding their behaviour.?

They are only here once a week over night but it is the worst 24hrs or my week. My husband is the best husband but this is actually making me resent him.

Any advice on how to cope?

He might be the best husband but he sounds like a crap father. I think that's the problem here.

Don’t go anywhere with them

Tell your husband how upsetting their behaviour is and ask him to intervene or say you will be going elsewhere…

Can you be out a lot when they are over & tell them why? What are they like at their own mums?

Tbh all teenagers are 🛎 ends. If you weren't a step mum - just a mum you would have a stream of people going, teenagers are nightmares but it does get better.

Since you posted here and this board is haunted by people who have no interest in providing support and like to give sp a good kicking (because of their own issues) I hope you have your hard hat on. Someone will come along to say sounds like you hate your sc and why did you marry a man with children if you hate them. They come from a broken home of course this gives them the right to use racist language 🙄 Ignore those posters.

The racist comments shut them down. I would say in rather a pitying voice "do you think that using that language makes you look clever or hard ?" Then laugh. That usually does it with teenagers but your DH should be shutting this down and actually I would be like "ok you used that word x, you just lost x". No ifs buts and maybes.

On advice with when they stay, go out as much as possible, see friends do nice things, or whatever. If DH won't correct them, that's on him for what type of humans he creates. Doesn't mean you have to hate witness to it.

People need to learn that if they act as horrible people, that people won't be around when they are present. And I would explain this explicitly to DH.

Also stepmonster book is bloody amazing. Will provide more help then you may get here.

They are a complete nightmare with her as well. No SNs they are just brats.

I don't think he is a great father but 6 days a week he is a great husband and he says that if he could go back he wouldn't have had children. Being a dad doesn't come easy to him and he struggles a lot.

Thanks my hard hat is on. I cut them a lot of slack when they were small and didn't blame them for their tantrums loads happened in their short lives but since then everything has been stable for them. Same step parents same houses so being from a " broken home" can't be used as an excuse

@MavisBeacon1234 as I said shitty behaviour is often excused just because there's a step parent involved.

All I can say is wine and praying they come out at the end is usually the prescription for teenagers.

Coming at this from an odd angle - what is their diet like?

@MavisBeacon1234
Its your home aswell do what I do tell them the behaviour and language is not to be used under your roof in any shape or form. Just cause they are not your kids don't mean you can't speak up with things that don't happen in your home, if Disney dad does not you need to x

I wouldn't be staying in a relationship where my husband was letting racism slide. Dropping racist slurs is absolutely racism.

If I were you DH would have been given one chance to come down on that like a tonne of bricks. Everyone has things that are passing the rubicon, and this would be mine.

I couldn't live with myself if people thought I associated with racists in any way.

Nobody's diet makes them racists.

Please don't have children with this man.

Actually, a few more things come to mind:

• Can you persuade your husband to take them on a boys holiday over the summer (without you?)


• Are they into sports/activities- can you wear them out?


• Keep in mind that they are older so you won’t have to put up with it too much longer

I do think you need to challenge their behaviour, with your husband’s support. Can you work with their mum to have equal expectations/rules for them?

Diet, sleep are worth looking into, also motivation/punishment for good & bad behaviour in both homes

And go out: a lot. This is your husband’s problem to deal with

So to answer a few points. My H does pull them up when he hears them making those comments as do I but a lot of the time those comments are made when he isn't around.

I won't be having children with him as they have really put me off having kids plus kids weren't really on my radar.

Their diet is shocking beige food only !! I have tried with home made food but they point blank refuse and complain to their mum. I won't be able to get their mum onside as we can't stand each other. She has zero respect for me.

My h holidays are on a fixed rota so his fall outside the school holidays so he is unable to take them away. The youngest plays sports so that's taken care off.

Yeah, I wasn't addressing the racist comments. I think 14 is too young to actually BE a racist - usually just aping behaviour that gets them kudos with their mates. Would hope that some really firm parenting could still turn this about at this age.

More that generally horrible behaviour in teens does often seem to go with beige diets. Go back 100 years and at 14 those boys would be apprentices and working their butts off. Not so much beige food then.

Your husband 'struggles' 24 hours per week, says if he could turn back the clock he wouldn't have had his children, and you're surprised they have behavioural issues?

First need of the hard hat here. There has been threads on here about if you would go back would you have your children and a lot of posters said no. Not everyone is a natural parent and it is a struggle when they are constantly fighting, swearing and not nice to be around.

They have just started again shouting and fighting with each other. I tell them to stop and be quiet and what do I get back? Make me and that's from the youngest.

Make me and that's from the youngest.

After 10 years in their life, maybe you can and should? Think about making use of your personal power - don't just give it away. What do you for these little charmers? Washing? Ironing? Lunch boxes? Lifts? Fancy taking a little holiday from all that?

Me and my siblings used to argue A LOT as teenagers. Squabble, squabble, squabble. Anyway, my folks ignored it mostly at home. When we went to visit relatives, they developed a more amusing solution. We were sent outside the room in pairs to argue solidly for 10 minutes at a time. No deviation, no hesitation, no pauses allowed. On the other side of the door, the adults were killing themselves laughing.

Your H has one night a week and has agreed to a holiday schedule that prevents him from ever taking them away?

No wonder they've picked up on the fact that they're not particularly wanted by their dad. And before you blame their mum, no court would have agreed to that if the dad had out up a half a fight

No he has rotated holidays 6 years in advance. He can't just decide when he's on holiday.

At no point have I blamed their mum. They are a nightmare for her as well.

Sorry, I just realised it's his work rota that prevents him spending any time with them.

What type of job doesn't allow for annual leave at any point over the 7 week summer break, 2 weeks at Easter, 2 weeks at October?! What does every other parent employed by that company with school aged children do? Do they all just never have a family holiday?

Or does it just suit your H to take his holidays outside this and have romantic child free holidays with you when it's quieter and cheaper?

At no point have I blamed their mum. They are a nightmare for her as well.

I meant blaming their mum for the lack of time he actually spends with his dc. He's obviously happy for one night a week and not taking them on holiday?

Quite a lot of those are about the relentlessness of parenting and the real change they bring.

Not about having to deal with (to be honest fairly normal sounding) teenage boys

@Quartz2208 ....for one day a week!

His holidays are in a pre printed booklet that he doesn't choose. He gets put on a rota and that's it similar to the police I believe . So far he has had one week in jan ( no school holidays) one week in may ( no school holidays in may here) two weeks in October for "summer" and 1 week in the middle of December again not school holidays. He had to pay someone £50 so he could swap his summer weeks last year. He tried this year but no one wants 2 weeks of in October