I know it's me but

[MavisBeacon1234]

First time poster but Pom bears, penis beaker and all that.

I know that Mumsnet isn't the safest place to post when you are a step parent but I am at the end of my tether and need to rant. I also know I have a husband problem.

So my SC are a complete nightmare and I'm done. They are both boys aged 14 and 16. I have been in their lives for 10 years and married to my H for 5 years. When they are here their behaviour has always been abhorrent from fighting and knocking lumps out of each other this has now graduated to swearing, racist comments ( think white kids dropping n words so maybe not racist but can't think of what to call it) none of that language is used at my house.

I am embarrassed to go any where with them because they just don't know how to behave and my H does nothing to correct their behaviour.

I don't play a "step mum" role as they have a mum and don't need another one. I don't have children of my own they actually put me off having them. So maybe that has a plays apart of me not understanding their behaviour.?

They are only here once a week over night but it is the worst 24hrs or my week. My husband is the best husband but this is actually making me resent him.

Any advice on how to cope?

It’s not you. It’s him and them.

He might wish he hadn’t had them but he did and they’re his responsibility so I’m afraid it’s tough shit he finds them difficult, he still owes it to them and the world - not least to you as the other person in the house - to try his very hardest to knock some decency and civility into them.

You’ve got years of this ahead of you and it sounds crap. He’s only got them for 24 hours, why are you ever alone with them? I’d refuse. It’s good for them to have time together. I’d make myself scarce as much as possible. Stay with a friend, book a hotel if you can afford it occasionally, go out all day and come home once they’re in their rooms.

And tell him why.

There is no way I’d be putting up with this behaviour and being expected to be there when it’s taking place. I have a 13 year old step son and it just wouldn’t happen. My DH is very pleased to have had all his kids and loves them like mad which makes it easier because he’s invested in them becoming decent human beings. But no one under my roof uses language like that or intentionally injures anyone else. No way.

I'm not left alone with them thank god but it doesn't matter if they are in their rooms they just fight with each other constantly.

I have siblings and we would argue but we would never batter each other. It's like a war zone

I would tell your dh that due to their Appalling behaviour you are too embarrassed to be seen with them. If he doesn’t go out then you go out. Even if it’s just for a walk. Also tell him he had better start and parent his feral kids too.

There’s some sort of issue there that Dad needs to sort out. Either SEN or behavioural or something. Can you tell your husband he needs to take them to family therapy and work it out. He’s not doing them or you any favours by not sorting it out.

I have siblings and we would argue but we would never batter each other. It's like a war zone

How bad is it? Are you getting out the lint pads and bandages? A&E? Anything broken? Black eyes?

@coolmaker what helpful advice are you actually providing other than doing your very best to insinuate OP is the wicked witch of the west: and Use your words here :

"Do they all just never have a family holiday?Or does it just suit your H to take his holidays outside this and have romantic child free holidays with you when it's quieter and cheaper? " Suggesting that not only does DP hate his kids but also that op benefits financially and practically from not taking them on holiday ? 🙄
Even if they went away together op isn't the sc parent so wouldn't be the person responsible financially for SC holiday no matter many sm end up footing the bill regardless. It's not a moral failing on her part.

"And before you blame their mum"

Weird you would assume she would blame mum tbh. What a very odd angle to take. 🙄 you know most sm I know don't really think about mum much at all tbh. Weird you would think that

"I meant blaming their mum for the lack of time he actually spends with his dc"

Really weird that you would assume op would blame mum for this. I imagine since op has managed to type out this post she has a set of eyes and ears and a brain to figure out that (even if tensions being high with the ex) her DH contact choice is his own. She's said as much actually.

I mean sure beat OPs DH if you want (although she's not asking for that she's asking for solutions to the situation) but can you see how the above you have managed to tie in OP into the resulting bad behaviour from sc beyond what logically doesn't make any sense.

If she was a mum sure you maybe beating DH for his actions or lack of, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be suggesting half of what you have here. That still wouldn't be helpful because it still wouldn't help the situation.

It's like someone saying my house is on fire help me and someone just repeatedly saying "oh it's burning" standing stock still. Doing hack sit about it.

Op I'm not gonna beat you with a stick because frankly this post along with what's going down on your house must be bloody enough.

Spaceships idea is rather fun. My mother handcuffed me and my half sister together for a day for fighting. My lord I'm surprised we didn't kill each other but funnily enough we had to work together agaist a then common enemy. Mum with the handcuff keys. And me and my sister get on great now. Still want to bury her but the urge is less and I love her bones.

I'm sat here wondering how you can think white kids using the n word isn't racist.
I am also wondering why their father isn't pulling them up on this.
Their behaviour sounds disgusting and I think someone needs to lose their mind at them so they stop thinking they can get away with it.
Unfortunately you're married to their dad which makes your house their house too.

OP the other thing you can do is get Dad to speak to school. Have they been disciplined there? How do they behave? Most areas also have easily accessible online parenting courses for difficult behaviour, the school will be able to point him in the right direction or just google and you’ll probably find it

@pitchforksandflamethrowers the fact that OP has said her DP regrets having kids, only sees them one night a week and doesn't take them on holiday is very relevant.

My point is that if they felt more loved and wanted they may not have the behavioural issues that they do.

• Re my comment about blaming the mum. I've already apologised to OP for this and explained I had misunderstood one of her previous posts. I had mis-read that the dad was unable to take them on holiday due to the contact schedule (rather than his work rota). When I had (wrongly) thought it was the contact schedule preventing him from going on holiday, the point I was making is that it would be very unlikely a judge would support such a schedule if the dad was bothered enough to challenge it.

I still find the claims about the annual leave a bit far fetched. I don't know a single other person who is not allowed at least 1 weeks annual leave per year over the 10+ weeks of school holidays (and I include police in that). All just seems very convenient when OP has said he regrets having them and struggles with them being around

My dad worked shifts where his holiday was allocated to him, it wasn't until he progressed into management that he was allowed to chose some of his time off. They were allowed to swap if another person agreed. I think it's rare but it happens

Not about having to deal with (to be honest fairly normal sounding) teenage boys
I have had 2 teenage boys and not once, ever, have they used racist language! These boys are being parented badly by BOTH parents - end of - it's not normal behaviour.
@MavisBeacon1234 I'm not saying your dh is a bad parent, but he (& his ex) are parenting badly & probably have been for years.
There exists this modern belief that all teenagers are awful & that if you leave them alone they'll come out of it. This simply isn't true & it's a bullshit excuse to excuse lazy parenting.
Teenagers will test boundaries but the majority of them will respond well to being met half way, effective communication & low tolerance of unacceptable behaviour.

From a very early age I told my dc that they were in NO way allowed to speak to me in certain ways as I did not speak to them like that. It became a house rule - I would speak to them respectfully and they were to do same.
These boys are not being taught basic manners and respect & their behaviour is most likely being excused because they are male teens.
There's not much you can do op but I honestly couldn't live in an environment where this behaviour wasn't being fully quashed.
All you can really do is lay down firm boundaries around what behaviours/speech you will not tolerate & strive to be out of the house as much as possible when they're there.

There are some jobs where you can only take leave when the workplace closes down for 2 weeks. Health and safety for example. Some machinery needs to be shut down for a long cleaning process, and it takes time to get it back up and running again.

My point is that if they felt more loved and wanted they may not have the behavioural issues that they do.
My exh rarely took our dc on holidays & has form for being very flaky. I don't regret having my dc but I am very upfront with all of them about how difficult parenting actually is.
I have an excellent relationship with all my 3, they all have a very good relationship with their dad & NONE of them ever behaved like this BECAUSE they are parented very robustly.
People really have to stop blaming divorce/separation for teenagers rubbish behaviour.

I'm not blaming separation/divorce for poor behaviour. I'm saying if a child/teen feels unloved or unwanted I wouldn't be surprised if they acted out.

Spending minimal time with them while regretting having them is very different than being open about how difficult parenting can be

@Quartz2208, where on earth do you live that this is typical teen boy behaviour?

@coolmaker no idea why you think I'm making up the holiday situation and how you get that he never takes them away. This year he can't because of when his holidays land and no we won't be having a romantic holiday away together. God forbid we do! Nor has my H told his children that he wouldn't have children if he had his time again because he has always found it challenging (even when he was with his ex w. They didn't split over that ) because they have always been so poorly behaved.

Re behaviour at school the youngest had been excluded due to swearing at a teacher. He of course found it hilarious.

Yes both parents parent badly to a point that I am just another person who won't put up with their children's shitty behaviour. As from next week I won't be apart of it. I will make myself unavailable from the minute they walk through the door until it's time to go to bed.

He parents 52 days of the year - piss poor show and no wonder they show no respect for him, you or their surroundings.

His lack of engagement is coming home to roost

Thanks for your helpful response

Why only one day a week with dad
how many days of does he have ,they need more time with him .
maybe if you and dad had them 50/50 ,and some of your higher standards were put in place they would be better behaved.sounds like they need you op .
does sound like mum and dad don’t know what they are doing

I don't think my standards are that high. Don't be racist, show respect to adults and don't kick the shit out of your siblings. If you think that's high standards, then I am worried.

Tbh if they reply "Make me " when telling them tp stop, I'd just packnthwir bits pop them outside and reply that you can't make them stop but they can leave the house and send them back to mum.

No point starting a battle you won't win as you have no back up fro either parent regarding, so tell them to leave - tjis isn't due to them bei g step dc, it's just due to shit behaviour you don't have to accept.

How on earth have you found such a waste of space attractive to be around?

He is clearly raising scum and taking no responsibility.

His selfishness is loathsome.

As for you, I would absent yourself from the house completely.

But honestly, how do you block out that huge part of him that takes absolutely no responsibility for what he has created?

Good call not having children.