Are you ever fed up of trying to be the bigger person?

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

My DH and I have been together a long time and have 2 kids each from previous relationships. We got married earlier this year.

I thought after all this time that his ex gf (never married, no I was not the other woman, they’d been split up for over 5 years when I met him) would have calmed down and stopped being so high conflict.

I love my husband very much but I’m getting increasingly tired of all the drama that comes with from his children and their mum. I get understand split families are difficult, my own 2 children are in the same boat. But my DH’s kids and his ex are on a whole other level.

I’m consistently the target for his ex gf’s rage, every little thing I do is scrutinised even though I have no direct contact with her at all, which means it must be coming from his kids. These are not very young children, one is nearly an adult and the other is a teen.

It’s making me begin to dislike them as there is always a drama that they try to drag me in to. Like I said I do not get involved but it’s still not nice hearing the lies they tell about me or hearing the ex accusing me of some perceived slight against them.

I’m so over it. I no longer have the energy to care. I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my own and my children’s happiness to try and appease these unpleasant, self-centred people and I’m no longer willing to do it.

What has tipped me over the edge is this weekend should have been my DH’s weekend with his kids (mostly the younger one, older one does her own thing) but their mum informed him she was taking them on a trip and therefore we wouldn’t be seeing them.

That’s nice, no problem we can have them any time and next weekend we have no plans so there’s no issue switching. However, late on Friday afternoon the ex contacts DH to say she’s decided not to set off for the trip and she’s going on Saturday morning instead. DH had already agreed to do over time at work (he is working the night shift)and couldn’t cancel at such short notice and I had made plans. So no, we couldn’t change plans at such short notice.

Ex wanted to go to her friend’s house for a party and expected me to cancel my plans to look after SC. I said no, I had organised a babysitter for my kids and wasn’t cancelling to accommodate ex’s plans.

I have been called every name under the sun. She even deflected and started saying I apparently made older SC feel unwelcome this week as she turned up unexpectedly and I said “Oh how come you’re here?” but I said it in an excited tone and asked if they wanted to stay for dinner as I was just beginning to prep.

So I’m really sad that SC has lied to her mum and I’m angry that his ex constantly twists things to fit her own agenda.

Ex gf has then threatened me saying to DH “She needs to watch herself because we’re close to coming to blows. She’s a snotty bitch”.

I am done with it all. I have provided for those children emotionally, financially and physically. I’m sick of how they treat me, their dad and my biological children. I am fed up of how their mum speaks about me and tries to accuse me of things or gets angry because she thinks I should be doing more to help her.

I’m just done.

I’m not sure what this means for my marriage, I love my DH so much but I am going to completely disengage from his eldest child. I have to for my own mental health. It’s awful having a nearly adult woman screaming abuse in my home like a toddler when she doesn’t get her own way, acting aggressively in her behaviour and then telling lies about me.

My whole family has welcomed them with open arms. We have all loved, cared for and tried our best for them. I just don’t want to anymore.

I hear you! Ultimately this is DH's problem to solve. If he isn't prepared to become the heavy father occasionally, this deeply unpleasant situation is going to continue. He has to say Enough is Enough - DSD won't take it from you, sadly.

Apart from that, you do apparently have some power. Financial sanctions? No fancy prom dress, holiday, iphone etc?

I would insist DH gets counselling to work out why he is allowing himself (and you, by proxy) to be a complete doormat for the previous family.

DH used to give the eldest one pocket money and he pays for her phone. She has decided she’s not going back to college in September but has no plans to get a job.
DH has informed her that her phone contract expires at Christmas and she will be 18 by then so he will not be renewing her contract.

She refuses to work even though there are an abundance of local jobs, our friend even offered her a part-time job with hours to fit around her college timetable. SC refused the offer. Even if she was going back to college, the summer break is 12 weeks long, so she could have worked.
Since then DH has refused to give her any money. He said he will pay for necessities but he is not funding her social life.

@SpaceshiptoMars he isn’t a doormat though. He says no and sticks to it, but they consistently push the boundaries and all of them (their mum included) throw epic tantrums when they don’t get their own way.

I can’t blame you for taking a step back, I’m surprised that you even kept trying for so long to create a good relationship with them. If the SC are nearly adults then they’re also old enough to make up their own minds about what you do for them, it’s different from eg a 5 year old who doesn’t know any better then what his mum tells him about you. But ultimately it’s up to your DH to step in and say enough is enough.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott He is allowing them to continue with the tantrums and lie about you. Why is he not sanctioning them for those actions? Why is it OK for YOU to be the family punchbag? OK, he can't do much about the DM, but why are you having to speak to her? Why isn't HE handling his ex?

I think your husband has to make it clear to his daughters that the shit stirring has to stop. He should go NC with his ex. Anything she has to say can be passed on via someone else. Cut the easy contact off and start getting heavy with the troublemakers or it will be like this forever and a day

I’m not having to speak to her at all and he tries to handle her by sheltering me from a lot of what she says about me. I sometimes hear it or she has turned up at our house.
How can he stop them having tantrums? And sanction them how? He pays for the eldest child’s phone and doesn’t give her pocket money. Youngest isn’t so bad and doesn’t really get pocket money as such but we do nice things when she is with us.

How do you propose he sanctions them? Oldest is too old to be “grounded” and his ex is unhinged and unpredictable.

He needs to ban them from your home until they can be civil. He'll have to meet them somewhere else.

Cancel the phone contract.

Cut off all contact with the ex.

Tell him you marriage is in danger and this is what he needs to do.

If they're both teens why do you need to cancel your night out to "look after" them? Surely they can just stay home while their DM goes out?

@Bunty55 he tried cutting off contact with their mum but youngest SC is unreliable at making arrangements and it caused more problems.

Example, last month we were due to have the youngest on our usual weekend. DH attended a funeral and I was at home. SC said mum would drop her off, DH had been drinking (a few beers, not drunk but not suitable to drive) and I was out. DH got home and called SC to ask what time they were being dropped off, turns out their mum was out and had decided she was no longer going to do the drop off.

Cue a huge argument between ex and DH because she was in another city and apparently told SC earlier in the day that she would not be dropping them off.

Things like this happen regularly if DH only converses with SCs.

@mrskatebob youngest is 13 so too young to be left until the early hours.

The children are obviously copying mum.

Children often copy the behaviour that they think gets them what they want.

I don't blame you for not wanting to do this anymore.

What does dh say when you tell him that?

They sound awful and this situation is so stressful.whatever you do will be wrong so I would take a step back from the eldest just be polite eg hello ,goodbye and nothing else.Keep away from her she obviously has a serious problem and being fuelled by her mother who is deranged by the sound of it.The younger child may be easier.The good thing is your DH is seeing the problem and the eldest will soon have a boyfriend and will stop coming to your house.She will have to find a job if she isn’t going to study so hopefully she will have less time to visit you.Ignore the mother and good luck.

Change of WiFi has interesting results op.

That is very brutal advice ( banning his own children)and if my partner said that to me, I would leave him.

Why is she coming into your home? Don't let her in. Block her phone number. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

I can’t do that, this is DH’s home too and regardless of how terribly eldest SC is behaving at the moment, she’s still his child.

Cancelling her phone contract won’t achieve anything either as we’ll still have to pay until the end of the contract and SC isn’t yet 18 so cannot take out a contract in her own name.

Changing the Wi-Fi will only inconvenience the other kids, SC hardly comes over anymore as she’s got her own life going on. She also never stays over as she’s always at friend’s houses at the weekend or at stays at her mum’s because it’s usually empty and she has the place to herself which is far more appealing to a 17 year old.

It’s not just my home is it, it’s my DH’s home and she’s his daughter, I can’t just ban her.

I don’t really communicate with her over phone anyway, my DH does. I don’t think eldest SC and I have exchanged texts since April

OP I meant why does the ex come in your home - no need at all for her to be in there regardless of the fact that it's your husband's house too. Unless I misunderstood and it's the SD you were talking about.

This sounds horrendous. No wonder you feel that you’re done with the whole lot of it.

your husband has really let you down here. He’s failed to draw appropriate boundaries with his ex and, because of the lack of boundaries, he’s allowed his daughters to tell lies about you and create more drama. None of this shit should ever have been yours to deal with.

I think the only thing you can do now is to clearly tell him that you have reached the point where you feel you are done with this. Done with being the family scapegoat. Done with his ex and his daughter shouting at you. You deserve a relaxed and comfortable home life. Put the ball in his court and make him come up wit solutions so that none of the bullshit and drama affects you any longer.

I meant SD, ex is certainly not allowed in although she has turned up on out doorstep trying to argue previously and had the door shut on her

Ah ok, I misunderstood. My husband's ex used to come in and wait in the hall while the kids faffed about with their stuff for 10 mins. Until I told her they'd be out in a sec and closed the door in her face.

Anyway I digress. I think you need to take a massive step back and stop being so involved with the kids. You'll no doubt get more grief for it but you need to ignore. Your husband also needs to back you up.

The thing is I am already quite disengaged in the sense that I’m happy to obviously help my DH out but not his ex. If there is a clash of them wanting to do something, I.e. ex wants ti go on holiday for her 40th birthday with her current boyfriend in September, DH is coincidentally on a stag do that weekend and it wouldn’t have fallen on our usual scheduled weekend but I’ve said I’m not willing to have youngest SC as I have tickets for a concert in London I want to go to.

Ex is saying I’m being unfair as it falls on her actual birthday. But it’s not my problem in my opinion, I don’t see why when I’ve made babysitting provisions for my own children that I should have to change my plans to accommodate her.

Other issues include me not being willing to go 3 ways on expensive gifts for SCs. She thinks because there’s 2 of us in this household that we should split the cost of presents 1/3 to 2/3s. I’ve said no, I’m not putting in equal to her parents for example. We’re not talking small change either, it would have required me putting in over £150.

I have my own 2 DCs to provide for.

God she really does take the piss doesn't she. I'd just laugh at ridiculous requests like that. She's clearly bad-mouthing you because you're not dancing to her tune, but it sounds like you have good boundaries in place.