Are you ever fed up of trying to be the bigger person?

[ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott]

My DH and I have been together a long time and have 2 kids each from previous relationships. We got married earlier this year.

I thought after all this time that his ex gf (never married, no I was not the other woman, they’d been split up for over 5 years when I met him) would have calmed down and stopped being so high conflict.

I love my husband very much but I’m getting increasingly tired of all the drama that comes with from his children and their mum. I get understand split families are difficult, my own 2 children are in the same boat. But my DH’s kids and his ex are on a whole other level.

I’m consistently the target for his ex gf’s rage, every little thing I do is scrutinised even though I have no direct contact with her at all, which means it must be coming from his kids. These are not very young children, one is nearly an adult and the other is a teen.

It’s making me begin to dislike them as there is always a drama that they try to drag me in to. Like I said I do not get involved but it’s still not nice hearing the lies they tell about me or hearing the ex accusing me of some perceived slight against them.

I’m so over it. I no longer have the energy to care. I feel like I have sacrificed so much of my own and my children’s happiness to try and appease these unpleasant, self-centred people and I’m no longer willing to do it.

What has tipped me over the edge is this weekend should have been my DH’s weekend with his kids (mostly the younger one, older one does her own thing) but their mum informed him she was taking them on a trip and therefore we wouldn’t be seeing them.

That’s nice, no problem we can have them any time and next weekend we have no plans so there’s no issue switching. However, late on Friday afternoon the ex contacts DH to say she’s decided not to set off for the trip and she’s going on Saturday morning instead. DH had already agreed to do over time at work (he is working the night shift)and couldn’t cancel at such short notice and I had made plans. So no, we couldn’t change plans at such short notice.

Ex wanted to go to her friend’s house for a party and expected me to cancel my plans to look after SC. I said no, I had organised a babysitter for my kids and wasn’t cancelling to accommodate ex’s plans.

I have been called every name under the sun. She even deflected and started saying I apparently made older SC feel unwelcome this week as she turned up unexpectedly and I said “Oh how come you’re here?” but I said it in an excited tone and asked if they wanted to stay for dinner as I was just beginning to prep.

So I’m really sad that SC has lied to her mum and I’m angry that his ex constantly twists things to fit her own agenda.

Ex gf has then threatened me saying to DH “She needs to watch herself because we’re close to coming to blows. She’s a snotty bitch”.

I am done with it all. I have provided for those children emotionally, financially and physically. I’m sick of how they treat me, their dad and my biological children. I am fed up of how their mum speaks about me and tries to accuse me of things or gets angry because she thinks I should be doing more to help her.

I’m just done.

I’m not sure what this means for my marriage, I love my DH so much but I am going to completely disengage from his eldest child. I have to for my own mental health. It’s awful having a nearly adult woman screaming abuse in my home like a toddler when she doesn’t get her own way, acting aggressively in her behaviour and then telling lies about me.

My whole family has welcomed them with open arms. We have all loved, cared for and tried our best for them. I just don’t want to anymore.

This is going to be really outing but I honestly don’t care at this point.

There is a week in September where my 7 year old son is away with with his paternal grandparents and SCs are on holiday with their mum coincidentally at the same time.

My daughter (12) is therefore the only child in our family unit not having a holiday. My DH’s birthday falls in this period too, so I decided to use some of my savings and booked 4 days all inclusive in a sunny country for me, my daughter and DH.

My daughter hasn’t had a proper holiday since 2017, SKs have gone every year except 2020 due to covid.

SCs are going away for a full week on a Spanish island.

Then when everyone is back (my son, and 2 SCs) we’re all going on a camping trip to a family music festival.

We weren’t going to tell SCs prior to going because I was going to say I booked something last minute as a birthday surprise for DH. I know it sounds harsh but otherwise they’ll have tantrums and be awful. They will be anyway when they find out I’ve booked the trip but at least we’ll have had a nice time and no drama for 4 weeks leading up to it.

The plan was when they get back we’d just say me, DH and my DD flew out spur of the moment.

Ex was meant to be taking my SCs abroad the day before my DH’s birthday but has now moved it back 2 days… which means they now want to see DH on his birthday. But we’ll be away then so now we’re going to have to tell them in advance.

I feel physically sick at the incoming drama from SCs and ex, They will not be rational about it at all… even though my son isn’t going and even though they’re going on holiday with their mum & her partner without his kids. I will be demonised for this, called awful names by ex. I don’t feel bad, I don’t see why my daughter should miss out when the other children are all getting sunny holidays and I can’t afford to take SCs.

I’m just trying to ensure all the kids in the family get the same opportunities.

It is affecting my mental health and I feel sick with anxiety about it.

She is just making all these changes to see how she can have a pop at you.

She sounds batshit. She only has a few more years she can play these games though, I’m sure some mothers realise that and get worse.

I think contact needs to be very limited with her. I think any comments about you need to be ignored completely. Don’t engage with her. If she asks about babysitting I think you need a standard reply - Itook won’t be, or ever will be, looking after DD, it’s not her responsibility.
The every time after that - it’s not her responsibility. Full stop.
Asks for money - it’s not her responsibility.
Don’t tell her your busy or have plans, just no.

She wants information to fuel her anger so don’t give her any. Then count down the next few years when you never have any contact with her again.

I know it's easy for us to say - do this, do that , however your DH needs to step away when the tantrums start. Literally hang up the phone, leave the room. Each and every time. He must step away and pay no heed to the tantrum, just as you would with a toddler. You can't negotiate with someone in full tantrum mode, so no point in trying. I'm assuming your have the ex blocked on your phone, and social media - if not - do it.

I think you're doing just the right thing in refusing to change your arrangements to fit hers.

@DPotter to be fair to DH, he will defend me and then hang up. He doesn’t pander to the tantrums at all and calls out the ridiculousness of it when he sees older SD, but I suspect that’s half the reason we hardly see her now. So he ends up torn because he knows her behaviour needs correcting but then she’ll refuse to see him or act like she can’t be bothered talking to him.

What is really bothering me is that ex will literally badmouth me to anyone who will listen and it often gets back to me via 3rd parties. I’m quite well known where we live due to a business my parents run, and she enjoys telling people how awful I am.

There’s only so much you can ignore before it starts to get you down

That's good to know about your DH and sad his DDs pull away from him.

Re the ex bad mouthing you - is it getting to the point where a cease and desist letter is needed ? I admit it could be a nuclear option but there is a fine line between being the bigger person and being a soft touch or a mug.

Badmouthing reflects more badly on the vocal party, than the one being badmouthed. Unless the badmouther is very subtle and clever, others notice the constant stream of abuse coming from them and distance themselves.

@SpaceshiptoMars she’s definitely not clever or subtle.
She’s also not reasonable or rational, she often behaves like a petulant teenager, I’ve never known anything like it in a grown woman of 40.

@ITookABathWithAinsleyHarriott
Well, if she is like this with other people, don't worry too much. People will take what she says with a massive pinch of salt and extricate themselves quickly. Unless she's accusing you of illegal/immoral stuff, deeeeeeep breath.

You need to start valuing yourself OP because none of them value you ! All of them are taking the piss big time.
Take the phone away regardless of paying the contract if she is shit stirring and telling lies.
Do not explain anything to any of them. If you can't look after his children because of XYZ they do not need to know. All they need to know is just that - 'NO'.
Stop making excuses for horrible people and take control back.
I know it's easy for us to make comments but you have to do something and by the way your husband is as weak as a pigs trotter

I think your been way to soft.
Because no person would disrespect me in my own home including my own children.

How is the ex's anger / tantrum behaviour reaching you. Are you overhearing the phonecall? Is SD telling you is DH telling you?
Who is passing on ex's lies about you to you.
Who tells you if ex wants you to contribute to presents? No one should be winding you up with this info.
You need to toughen up and next time someone repeats the lies from ex about you, give them short shrift - I don't like being gossiped about thank you - and walk off, whatever you think will stop this , drop them as friends.
Speak to a solicitor about living separately for the next few years - can you afford it? Your argument about having had enough will carry ALOT more weight if you can quote to DH what 'your solicitor' said.
No one is doing tantrumming DSCs a favour letting this behaviour go.

Hard earned lesson:

Having to be “the bigger person” all the time is toxic and exhausting.
This has happened to me much of my life in family situations with my sibling, father, cousins, and others. and as a result I am wary of close relationships.
Third parties will use guilt and manipulation to “solve” family problems by forcing you in a double standard to “be the bigger person,” while providing some excuse for the person behaving badly. (In my dad and sister’s case, it was stuff that happened to them as children).
The third parties are relying on you to accept the double standard, keep the peace, and not challenge the narrative of “oh, THEY [but not you of course] can behave that way because they’re damaged/disadvantaged.”
If you question this arrangement and point out the double standard , you’re a much worse person in their eyes and have committed a much bigger sin than the person behaving badly.

These same people will use your hard earned life skills (job, independence, ability to plan, ability to get along with others) as evidence that you are privileged and need to bear the burden of forgiving/tolerating/being “the bigger person.”
It’s not in their interest, or the interest of the person behaving badly, to give you equal consideration or rights.

Even therapists have this expectation sometimes, because sometimes they are trying to fix a situation and are as susceptible as anyone else to finding someone to take one for the team.

Don’t let this happen to you. Point out the double standards, stand up for yourself, be prepared for pushback from all the other parties in the situation because you are threatening their personal interests/advantages in maintaining it.
Good luck.

There’s a reason he married you and not her. Ignore, ignore, ignore her. Don’t rise to her drama or fuel her fire.

As far as the oldest goes (who is trying to please their mother). Look up the NACHO method of step parenting. Not my child, not my problem……

Best bit of advice I have ever seen on this board.

Literally all.of.this 👏🏼

@TryingToBeLogical Your post should be a sticky at the top of this forum! It's filed in my Things of Importance folder

I agree. That is excellent advice from @TryingToBeLogical. Every word of it.

@TryingToBeLogical has nailed it OP, a brilliant post!

I've been exactly where you are OP and it took a lot of deep breaths and nerves of steel to get through it. We're now left with an 18 year old SS who is a total sweetheart and a SD21 who is not allowed in our house due to her behaviour towards me.

But..... the minute they both got cars and independence and contact stopped on a schedule everything changed for us. You just have to survive until then. I think they key here is your DH continuing to recognise and call out entitled behaviour and not allowing that toxicity in your home. My DH backed me all the way, SD got very ugly about it and went no contact. Annoyingly the ex probably swung from the chandeliers the night the shitstorm happened but 2 years down the line everyone has picked their lane and it's calmed the fuck down. I can now NACHO, DH has a relationship with his child and the ex is now reaping the benefits of alienating her entitled daughter who will fail to launch from her home.

Everything @TryingToBeLogical has said.
Also - I cannot understand why his eldest is being 'rewarded' for awful behaviour by being brought to a music festival. It sounds like your dh is on the ball but honestly? he's not doing enough.

@Magda72 the music festival is something we do every year with several other families and we treat it as our “family holiday”. Funnily enough eldest has told us this weekend that she doesn’t want to come which is fine by me.

@TryingToBeLogical thank you for your advice, I will (and do) stand up for myself.

Some good advice on here but OP, whilst you sound like a nice woman here, your own children seem utterly failed by your marrying into this situation having put up with it for years.

Your children have been sacrificed in this awful stressful situation.

Of course they will be well aware of all the grief, anger and stress surrounding them in the home.

They will be hearing and seeing your stress.

I think this is just dreadful.

Whether you have meant to or not you have put this man ahead of your children and that is really wrong IMO.

He may be a nice man in your opinion but he comes with so much drama and upset that you should have been thinking about your own children and how damaging this is for them.

Stop thinking about him and his children, him, your marriage and start thinking of your two children living amongst all this drama.