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Step-parenting

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Original poster

No sure what my role is as a step mum

39 replies

StellaQ · 17/07/2022 21:49

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years, I got a 9 year old girl and he’s got 3 boys between 6 and 10, he’s got another son but is already 20 so I don’t really interact with him. They all get along with my daughter and they play together. My partner and I don’t live together so im
not around his kids that much, he expects me to be more involved and interested and tell them off when they don’t behave, he claims that I never say anything to them and I don’t help him. We spend some weekends at his place and sometimes he leaves them with me to go to the shops or gym and I really find it hard to bond with them. All they do is running around the house, make mess, I always clean up after them, sometimes they get hurt or start silly arguments and I try to deal with it in my own way, but he says I need to be more firm with them because he hate to come back home and find out they been misbehaving and not listening to me. I’m a very laid back and calm person and my daughter is very quiet so I haven’t had to deal with so many kids playing, jumping and running around. But at the same time I feel I can’t say anything because he does deal with my daughter when she doesn’t listen to me, he’s involved in her life and makes the effort, he provides food and clothes when we need it, he takes care of us and I appreciate it. I’ve told him our situations are different, he got 3 boys, I got only one daughter, her dad is not involved at all, so it’s only me and her, we don’t have any relatives, they all live abroad, on the other hand, his children got their mum which he’s co parenting with, they got granny, auntys, cousins, ancles, etc so I don’t feel they need me in their lives. I do what I feel like and what comes from my heart, I don’t hate them or dislike them but Ive found myself getting stressed when I know they’re gonna spend the weekend with us, I just don’t wanna deal with them and do all the “happy family” stuff and my partner thinks that’s just me being selfish, I’ve avoided going to his place many times just because of that, I make up excuses and I feel rubbish because my daughter loves him, what I’m I supposed to do?

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/07/2022 22:13

I know you love him but I gotta say it as a step mum and a mum.

Run don't walk. Run. He's leaving you with his three boys to go to gym or have a jolly and you don't even live together. What's worse is it's not like he doesn't have child free time and on the contact at time he's got with his kids he's dumping them on you.

Your daughter may love him you may love him but the role of step mum isn't to provide free childcare. Your DSC have a active mum and dad in their lives and if you have ever been on this board when weddings are mentioned there's lots of sm should know her place she's not a parent ect. Quote the reverse of what's said when free childcare is needed.

As I said I mean it kindly. 🚩 run.

RandomMess · 17/07/2022 22:15

Why is he expecting you to parent his DC whilst he goes off the gym? He couldn't do that if you weren't there.

You don't live together so why does he expect you to have a parental role?

I agree, run!

lunar1 · 17/07/2022 22:16

Exactly what @pitchforksandflamethrowers said!

Be glad you don't live together and you are independent. He's looking for childcare, not a partner.

excelledyourself · 17/07/2022 22:19

Tell the lazy swine to go to the gym in his time. Not his DC's contact time, and not your time.

And for the love of god, don't move in with him.

ShrillSiren22 · 17/07/2022 22:21

Why’s he leaving his dc for you to look after when he doesn’t even have them all the time and you don’t live together? He’s treating you as a babysitter.

Gr33ngr33ngr4ss · 17/07/2022 22:21

It would be the end for me. Sorry

ClocksGoingBackwards · 17/07/2022 22:24

He’s acting as if having a girlfriend means he’s entitled to free childcare and parenting. You don’t have any responsibility to play nanny to these children.

JubileeTrifle · 17/07/2022 22:25

Visitation is for him to have contact with his children. Not to get another person to parent them.
He’s setting you up long term to parent his children. I’d end this as well.

GreenManalishi · 17/07/2022 22:30

Noooo, no no, not this. Your role is not his wheel in babysitter. If it's his contact time he should be with his kids. Not drag you in to deal with them. Good for you you don't live together, find your no. He sounds like a joker.

LightDrizzle · 17/07/2022 22:39

He’s gaslighting you. Doubtless he says he wants you to spend one on three time with his boys to “build” your relationship. How fucking convenient. He’s training you up to do the grunt work of parenting his boys. They have two parents, they don’t need a third. You don’t EVER need to have them on their own. Are they pushing for this? Are they fuck! They’ll be indifferent at best, however lovely you are. Of course in an emergency mist people would step in to help but it isn’t your role.

Don’t move in, don’t be coerced into this.

This is a massive red flag. What a piss take.

Original poster
StellaQ · 17/07/2022 22:43

He doesn’t leave them for too long though, maybe 45 minutes or less, he mainly leaves them with his mum because he has to go to work, he does two jobs so he can provide for everyone. But he does make me feel Like I’m not doing enough compared to what he does for me, there is not much I can offer since I have my daughter 24/7 and sometimes I try to make it up by spending time with them or looking after them if he needs it

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 17/07/2022 22:44

Don't let him get involved as a parent to your dd if you're not prepared to reciprocate.
I would keep the children out of it and just get together the two of you .

excelledyourself · 17/07/2022 22:52

he does two jobs so he can provide for everyone.

Who is 'everyone'?

Why do you mention him providing food and clothes for you and your daughter?

Original poster
StellaQ · 17/07/2022 23:00

he supports me financially, I work but I don’t earn enough, I mostly live on government benefits. I pay for my bills and food but sometimes I struggle to make till the end of the month so he gives me a small contribution

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/07/2022 23:01

RedHelenB · 17/07/2022 22:44

Don't let him get involved as a parent to your dd if you're not prepared to reciprocate.
I would keep the children out of it and just get together the two of you .

I will just tell my DSD mum to move over I'm here now or even better she has two mums - behave would you 🙄

And we will just ignore how awkward that would make my DSD or anyones step child

Unless this guy is doing school runs, packing lunches doing laundry on the regular for this womens Dd it doesn't even enter into "parenting" therefore it doesn't need to be reciprocal. The fact that it can't be equal because Dd has no dad in picture and is only one child vs 3. That's a very big jump if your doing all of the above.

Contact time is for the parent to spend time with their children. This shouldn't be a hard concept.
*
Op unless he's paying you to be childcare there's no amount of looking after you that will be worth it. I don't care if he has worlds biggest penis. Run girl run*

Original poster
StellaQ · 17/07/2022 23:02

excelledyourself · 17/07/2022 22:52

he does two jobs so he can provide for everyone.

Who is 'everyone'?

Why do you mention him providing food and clothes for you and your daughter?

I mean his children, me and my daughter

OP posts:
Ontomatopea · 18/07/2022 06:16

I'd stop seeing him tbh. He seems to have decided without taking into account what you want that you are his childcare/an extra parent when that doesn't seem to be what you want to be.

If you won't leave him i would work on making yourself financially less dependent on him. Your daughter will be at secondary school soon so will you be able to pick up more hours? Luckily you don't live with him so you're independent that way.

Ontomatopea · 18/07/2022 06:19

Oh and if he decides to leave his kids with you and you agree to look after them then you look after them however you see fit. You aren't paid to look after them.

HandbagsnGladrags · 18/07/2022 08:21

StellaQ · 17/07/2022 22:43

He doesn’t leave them for too long though, maybe 45 minutes or less, he mainly leaves them with his mum because he has to go to work, he does two jobs so he can provide for everyone. But he does make me feel Like I’m not doing enough compared to what he does for me, there is not much I can offer since I have my daughter 24/7 and sometimes I try to make it up by spending time with them or looking after them if he needs it

Why are you making excuses for him? Stop providing free childcare - it's not your responsibility. And if you don't even live together, you're not even their stepmum. He's massively taking the piss. And I say this as an actual stepmum.

Heatstrokeunsteady · 18/07/2022 08:31

I would play the fun, kind, cool stepmum. Building a relationship takes time and patience. Be supportive and kind, don’t take to reprimanding them and take an interest- much as you would do for a new friend. Of course boys run around! My universally loved friend was always friendly, calm and sweet no matter what destruction and chaos descended around her. She had so much class and self restraint. I know it must be frustrating for you, but if you want to cement this relationship, get on with the kids.

Saying things with a smile not a frown.
Join in their games.
Take an interest.
Leave the heavy lifting of the parenting to the dad.
You’llbe grand.

Allezlesbleus · 18/07/2022 09:26

You sound overly dependent on him. He provides for you and deals with your daughter when you cannot!! But you don’t live together.
It’s all a bit confusing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2022 09:47

How were you supporting yourself and your daughter two years ago? You need to stand on your own two feet because while you’re accepting his money he expects something - childcare - in exchange.

Does your daughter’s dad pay child support?

You’re in a bit of a mess because you don’t feel you can say no to him because you’re relying on him for money. You know that’s fucked up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2022 09:48

Allezlesbleus · 18/07/2022 09:26

You sound overly dependent on him. He provides for you and deals with your daughter when you cannot!! But you don’t live together.
It’s all a bit confusing.

That’s fair too. Parent your own child. Don’t rely on a boyfriend you don’t live with to deal with her when she won’t listen to you. What happens when he’s not there to fall back on?!

lunar1 · 18/07/2022 10:21

You've been together two years. He's parenting your child and providing for you both.

He occasionally leaves his children with you for a maximum of 45 minutes, you don't like them and don't want to deal with them in that time.

After reading more of your posts on here, it sounds like you want all the positives of a relationship with him for yourself and your dd but only when his children aren't around.

Initially I thought he was looking for child care, but it honestly seems you are looking for a provider with no compromise from yourself.

LoneParent1 · 18/07/2022 10:32

StellaQ · 17/07/2022 23:00

he supports me financially, I work but I don’t earn enough, I mostly live on government benefits. I pay for my bills and food but sometimes I struggle to make till the end of the month so he gives me a small contribution

@StellaQ
If he's effectively supporting your household to some extent financially, then I understand why he feels that you should step up a little!
Before the financial input he makes, I'd thought that he was potentially using you as free childcare.
My overall opinion, being a stepparent doesn't suit everyone and maybe the relationship is one that doesn't work for you...