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Step-parenting

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Original poster

No sure what my role is as a step mum

39 replies

StellaQ · 17/07/2022 21:49

I’ve been with my partner for 2 years, I got a 9 year old girl and he’s got 3 boys between 6 and 10, he’s got another son but is already 20 so I don’t really interact with him. They all get along with my daughter and they play together. My partner and I don’t live together so im
not around his kids that much, he expects me to be more involved and interested and tell them off when they don’t behave, he claims that I never say anything to them and I don’t help him. We spend some weekends at his place and sometimes he leaves them with me to go to the shops or gym and I really find it hard to bond with them. All they do is running around the house, make mess, I always clean up after them, sometimes they get hurt or start silly arguments and I try to deal with it in my own way, but he says I need to be more firm with them because he hate to come back home and find out they been misbehaving and not listening to me. I’m a very laid back and calm person and my daughter is very quiet so I haven’t had to deal with so many kids playing, jumping and running around. But at the same time I feel I can’t say anything because he does deal with my daughter when she doesn’t listen to me, he’s involved in her life and makes the effort, he provides food and clothes when we need it, he takes care of us and I appreciate it. I’ve told him our situations are different, he got 3 boys, I got only one daughter, her dad is not involved at all, so it’s only me and her, we don’t have any relatives, they all live abroad, on the other hand, his children got their mum which he’s co parenting with, they got granny, auntys, cousins, ancles, etc so I don’t feel they need me in their lives. I do what I feel like and what comes from my heart, I don’t hate them or dislike them but Ive found myself getting stressed when I know they’re gonna spend the weekend with us, I just don’t wanna deal with them and do all the “happy family” stuff and my partner thinks that’s just me being selfish, I’ve avoided going to his place many times just because of that, I make up excuses and I feel rubbish because my daughter loves him, what I’m I supposed to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaQ · 18/07/2022 15:39

lunar1 · 18/07/2022 10:21

You've been together two years. He's parenting your child and providing for you both.

He occasionally leaves his children with you for a maximum of 45 minutes, you don't like them and don't want to deal with them in that time.

After reading more of your posts on here, it sounds like you want all the positives of a relationship with him for yourself and your dd but only when his children aren't around.

Initially I thought he was looking for child care, but it honestly seems you are looking for a provider with no compromise from yourself.

In fact, I’ve told him I don’t need his money, but he gives it to me regardless. It’s just the way he is, he can’t keep quiet when my daughter won’t listen to me so he gets involved, he says he can’t stand seeing me struggling, when he opens the fridge and there is not even water to drink, so he comes with the food shopping without me having to ask him. And Yh, I understand now, I spoke to him last night and told him I feel pressured into being someone I’m not, he knows I’m quiet and I wouldn’t approach or speak to people unless they come to me, regardless if they’re kids or adults. I deal with my daughter in a different way, but I understand that I have make the effort as well as he does. He told me he’s not a quitter and he wants this relationship to work so he’s spoken to his children as well and told them they have to listen to me and respect me at all times.
we don’t live together but he comes at least five days of the week, he’s got his own place but it’s one hour away so goes over there two times a week, plus his job, kids, mum, and friends live in this area so he’s mostly around mine

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2022 15:47

Either you don’t earn enough and struggle to support yourself, or you don’t need his money and he insists. It can’t be both so I expect you’re changing your story because it looks like you’ve made yourself vulnerable and overly dependent on a boyfriend who you feel holds all the cards.

Where do you live that you don’t have water to drink that comes out of a tap?

If you deal with your daughter in a way that you and she think works then you’re not obliged to accept his involvement/interference in your parenting. Of course he can keep quiet about things, he’s choosing not to and you’re letting him take over. Is that fair on her?

She’s watching you struggle, accept money from a man you don’t even live with, and the cost to her is him overruling how you parent her. That’s spectacularly irresponsible.

HandbagsnGladrags · 18/07/2022 17:47

If he's spending 5 days of the week at your house then he should be contributing towards food. That's not him 'suuporting you', it's just him paying his way! It sounds like he's bullying you into bring the way he wants you to be. He might not be a quitter but that doesn't mean you can't kick him into touch. I'd be telling him to get out and not let the door hit his arse on the way out personally.

Ontomatopea · 18/07/2022 17:52

StellaQ · 18/07/2022 15:39

In fact, I’ve told him I don’t need his money, but he gives it to me regardless. It’s just the way he is, he can’t keep quiet when my daughter won’t listen to me so he gets involved, he says he can’t stand seeing me struggling, when he opens the fridge and there is not even water to drink, so he comes with the food shopping without me having to ask him. And Yh, I understand now, I spoke to him last night and told him I feel pressured into being someone I’m not, he knows I’m quiet and I wouldn’t approach or speak to people unless they come to me, regardless if they’re kids or adults. I deal with my daughter in a different way, but I understand that I have make the effort as well as he does. He told me he’s not a quitter and he wants this relationship to work so he’s spoken to his children as well and told them they have to listen to me and respect me at all times.
we don’t live together but he comes at least five days of the week, he’s got his own place but it’s one hour away so goes over there two times a week, plus his job, kids, mum, and friends live in this area so he’s mostly around mine

Show quote history

Then tell him to stop buying you food as it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Ontomatopea · 18/07/2022 17:55

It’s just the way he is, he can’t keep quiet when my daughter won’t listen to me so he gets involved, tells him to stop doing this if you don't want him to.

If you claim any sort of housing benefit or live in a council flat or claim a single person discount on your council tax you might want to check they are ok with him living with you and going away at the weekends.

justamushypea · 19/07/2022 18:12

Don't do yourself down.
He's staying at yours 5 days a week so he should be contributing to the household.

If you are ok with him disciplining your dd fine but if not say so. Don't be railroaded and made to feel grateful.
If you agree to look after his kids for free it's up to you how you handle them (within reason of course).
It sounds like you are dependent on him when you don't need to be.

Berthatydfil · 19/07/2022 18:14

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩run run run
he’s a shit parent who is expecting you to do it for him.

Rainbowqueeen · 19/07/2022 18:24

If he stays with you 5 days a week then he should be contributing because he is eating food and using electricity etc. That has nothing to do with how you treat his kids. He is already receiving a benefit for that.

You might find that your bills go down and you are able to manage better if he did not spend the majority of the week at your house.

You sound really vulnerable and it sounds like he is taking advantage of you. I’d look at making sure he contributes fairly to your household rather than just accepting what he offers and also make it clear to him that you are not a stepmom and won’t take on those responsibilities.

RedWingBoots · 19/07/2022 22:50

He told me he’s not a quitter

This is a big red flag.

Adult relationships are not like those in films.

Harassing you until you accept being in a relationship with him is controlling.

Giving you stuff without asking rather than paying his fair share is controlling.

Making you look after his 3 children so he can go out for an hour is controlling.

Telling your daughter off in her own home which isn't his, is controlling.

You need to stop this relationship now.

Starseeking · 20/07/2022 19:55

Sounds like he's looking for a babysitter he gets to sleep with. That wouldn't appeal to many women.

AubadeIsIt · 23/07/2022 07:45

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/07/2022 15:47

Either you don’t earn enough and struggle to support yourself, or you don’t need his money and he insists. It can’t be both so I expect you’re changing your story because it looks like you’ve made yourself vulnerable and overly dependent on a boyfriend who you feel holds all the cards.

Where do you live that you don’t have water to drink that comes out of a tap?

If you deal with your daughter in a way that you and she think works then you’re not obliged to accept his involvement/interference in your parenting. Of course he can keep quiet about things, he’s choosing not to and you’re letting him take over. Is that fair on her?

She’s watching you struggle, accept money from a man you don’t even live with, and the cost to her is him overruling how you parent her. That’s spectacularly irresponsible.

And this reply is spectacularly condescending.

Aerodactyl · 23/07/2022 08:16

Oh this whole setup is wrong on so many levels. I'd seriously be reconsidering this relationship. Can you not see it's imbalanced and not right at all? Stay in it and you'll live to regret it. You need to be drawing some hard line boundaries at the very minimum.

Singleandproud · 23/07/2022 08:35
  1. You are not a step mother, you are their dad's girlfriend. As the mother all I expected from DDs dad's gf was that she was kind to my DD and looked after as a babysitter or teacher would if DDs dad left her incharge, ie fed, watered and safe. Ideally her dad would not do this as contact time is for him and DD and to be fair I don't think he ever did unless he was quickly nipping to the shops. Gym visits were definitely done without DD there.

I would run.
What does he actually add to your life that he isn't benefitting from himself?

He has practically moved in changing the dynamic between you and DD.

He undermines your parenting - does your DD actually need telling off is her poor behaviour because he is there? All behaviour is communication.

He has his feet under the table using your utilities and eating your food, the reason your money isn't stretching to food and clothes and you have an empty fridge is because sometimes you are feeding 4 extra people. He isn't being nice when he is filling the fridge he is making a small contribution to what you are owed.

If he wants to live in the area because his job, friends, gym and you are there then he needs to move areas.

billy1966 · 31/07/2022 15:51

What you are supposed to do is provide and protect your daughter.

Why is this man telling your child what to do.
Stop him.

Why is he in your house 5 days a week?
Because it suits him.

He wants you to mind his children because he wants a skivvy aupair.

He's not a quitter because he doesn't give a shit what you want because he knows what HE wants and he will bully his way to get it.

You need to stop this man forcing his way into yours and your childs life.

You need to be a better mother to your daughter and protect her from a man who is pushing his way into your life.

You need to do better to protect your child and home.

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