Post split is it reasonable to expect a step parent to want / agree to continue seeing DSC

[PickAPetal1]

Just that really.

I met DSC when they were 4&6, I've been with DH now for 6 years.

There's a lot going on with us at the moment. We do share 1 DC too who is 2.

This is something that I'm curious about though, what would be expected / reasonable post any future split.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think I'd have any desire to maintain a relationship beyond times when I'll inevitably see DSC because of our shared DC.

I certainly wouldn't want anything like overnights or taking them out alone/doing any sort of parenting anymore tbh. The idea of my son being my only responsibility is very appealing.

So you have been in their lives over half their lives and they are siblings (albeit half) to your child and you can't be arsed.

No one can force you but actually if you wanted formal access you could apply for it and likely get something (although I doubt it would be much).

Personally its not about you but your child - it would benefit them to have good relations with their siblings therefor I WOULD facilitate it as much as allowed. Technically they could get that with their other parent in their time with your child and the other children but I think I would push to make it more communal.

i think spelling out whether you see them or not is one to do when you are 100% confirmed you will not get back together.

If you say it now, that you won';t see them, then it would be very hard to be back together and the father always accusing you of "not wanting to see them"

So i'd probably avoid the topic until 100% done and dusted.

I would be led by what the DC want, and how the schedules for shared care work out. If your ex has all three DC at the same time (does he have 50:50 for the older children at the moment?) they will get quite a lot of time together anyway. If it ends up with him having one lot of DC one week and your DS on another week, there won't be much contact. How well do you get on with the mother of the older children?

No one can force you but actually if you wanted formal access you could apply for it and likely get something (although I doubt it would be much).

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. No one needs to be having arrangements with 3 different homes.

No I absolutely wouldn't want to get into a situation of them staying overnight with me every X day or whatever.

I would except DH to be responsible for them being together as siblings, that can happen at his house and it would likely be exactly the same amount of time as they see each other now as DSC don't live with us full time anyway.

How well do you get on with the mother of the older children?

So so. We aren't super friendly but don't have any hostility either.

I guess one thing to factor in is that your DS is used to having time with his dad without his siblings being there, so you may not want the schedules to mesh exactly. But assuming he and his ex already have an agreed schedule for contact you'd need to be the one to flex yours around that.

My friend was walked down the aisle by her former step dad (the second of her dm’s 3 relationships). He was the significant father figure in her life until she was 9. She was a baby when her biological father left and saw him at weekends. Her dm and sd had a younger dc, and he took both of them when he had his own dc.

It created some interesting dynamics at school plays and birthdays but it was what she wanted.

No I would t think in any formal way. If you had a close bond then having all the kids together on occasion would be more normal I think. When your own child is with their father then they will be seeing the siblings so you don't have to just to maintain that relationship.
I once briefly dated a man who had full custody of his son (mum lived in a different country and saw him once a year). This man had a live in partner from when the kid was two to 8. Then they split and that was it. I always wondered if this woman ever wished she could see this boy for whom she basically had a maternal role for six important years. But the man said he (the man) didn't want to see her so that was it.

I think you are right, they already have 2 parents, 2 homes, and don't need a third with their former stepmother.

You are likely to still see them occasionally as they are your child’s siblings, and I imagine will be happy to see them in that context, but you have no obligation towards providing childcare for them.

It would be a more difficult situation emotionally if you were their only mother figure and they had lived with you 100%, but this isn't the case.

I don't think splitting children between 3 homes as a formal agreement is in anyone's best interests!

It also depends on the split. If you and child's father have an acrimonious split and don't talk then, contact could only happen if it it was facilitated by the mother. I don't think many mothers would be happy to make arrangements for contact with someone their ex used to go out with.

As long as your DS's contact schedule will feasibly allow DC's dad to arrange for all his DC to spend time together then that's all you're morally obliged to do imo. Of course if you'd already been allowed to develop the type of relationship with DSC where you actively wanted to spend time with them by yourself then you wouldn't be posting about it here.

Ignore the kind of replies that wilfully mistranslate "happy to see DSC as and when" to "urgh must avoid DSC at all costs" - they're never interested in the middle ground between love them like your own and you must hate/resent them because it reduces opportunities for step-parent bashing.

If you are close to them and they to you, you might want to have them round for tea occasionally or take them out for the day with your DC.

But no, I don't think anything formal or committed can be expected of you.

I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly?) that the reason you're asking this question is because you've been doing a fair amount of proxy parenting up till now for your now ex and he's not thrilled at the prospect of losing his free childcare?

I wouldn't be yearning to see DSD or aiming to set up regular fixed contact or anything like that but as PP said the odd day it or whatever would be nice. I don't think it's something that should be expected or demanded by either side. Kids can't just collect parents and be shared out like a bag of sweets when it suits.
I do recall a thread where the SM was being bullied into continuing the exact same contact schedule with her DSC after her husband died as apparently it wasn't fair to the ex to suddenly lose both her CMS and her childcare. 🙄
That was a mind melter of a thread and I'll never forget the sheer venom towards a newly widowed woman with two young children of her own who was on her knees.

So you have been in their lives over half their lives and they are siblings (albeit half) to your child and you can't be arsed.

This isn’t about OP not being arsed any more.
This is about OP building a life for herself and her child, and (ex)dsc might not be compatible with that. OP’s time, routines, finances, space in her house, holidays, days out, etc… revolve around her and her dc as a their own little family unit now.
Her DC can maintain contact with older siblings through their father.

I’m really glad that when I split up with my ex, his older child was a teenager. This meant I could go about my life without being asked to xyz for the parents and me and his child naturally kept in touch directly anyway which has been nice. But if his child was say, 8 or something and their parents both kept hassling me to do my bit, I would have told them both of them to piss off.

Post split is it reasonable to expect a step parent to want / agree to continue seeing DSC no it is not reasonable to expect this. and I would also say it is unreasonable if your ex expects you to schedule contact with DC around when he has contact with your exDSC.

That should have said it is also unreasonable

I think it’s really damaging for a child to have their step parent fully involved in their life then once they split up with the parent just step back with no further contact. My stepdaughter had that happen with her stepdad and over a year later it still hurts her and we have had to do a lot to support her.
Id nevet expect overnights etc but some kind of wind down in the relationship and acknowledgement that the child matters is important otherwise the hard truth that a stepparent only was involved in a child’s life because they had to be is hard to deal with.

But no further contact is not what's going to be happening in the OP's case is it?

I think for older DSC who perhaps maintain that relationship independently then yes. But I agree your DH would be responsible for sibling time and them having a bond.

I wouldn't have any involvement tbf unless they were older and wanted to. I wouldn't want to be a commitment or be involved in any seperated parenting arrangement for someone else's kids I had absolutely no say or control over.

I also don't think it's ideal for DSC to have too many separate households, as what if mum/dad meets someone else and then that ends etc, how many step parents do they maintain contact/a relationship with.

My DSC saw their previous step mum for a bit but then it stopped, it was awkward and confusing for them, and really it took DPs time with his child away for them to go see them, when really he should have been the one having them both.

I get in some instances it could work but in most I think it doesn't.

That's up to their parents to manage.

A bonus of dumping exh was never having to deal with his awful dc and their awful dm's!!

I really think it's up to the child. It is damaging to decide your DC's relationship with a step-parent ends because your romantic relationship does.

Totally agree @chilledbubble

There is often a bizarre expectation that it's up to step parents (particularly step mothers) to make up for the impact of their parents decisions.

It annoys me that it's pushed on to the stepparent. Parents should think about it. They knew what they were getting into when they remarried.

Nope, the child cannot force the stepparent to do anything. That's it. Relationship is over unless all parties agree otherwise.