Post split is it reasonable to expect a step parent to want / agree to continue seeing DSC

[PickAPetal1]

Just that really.

I met DSC when they were 4&6, I've been with DH now for 6 years.

There's a lot going on with us at the moment. We do share 1 DC too who is 2.

This is something that I'm curious about though, what would be expected / reasonable post any future split.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think I'd have any desire to maintain a relationship beyond times when I'll inevitably see DSC because of our shared DC.

I certainly wouldn't want anything like overnights or taking them out alone/doing any sort of parenting anymore tbh. The idea of my son being my only responsibility is very appealing.

I don't agree its up to the child any more than it's up to the child whether their actual parents should have stayed living together or not. No one, including OP herself, is suggesting she disappears from her DSC's lives totally. But dynamics will inevitably change after a relationship ends whether it's the step parents or the actual parents separating.

I think that if the step parent continues seeing the child then it could act as a hurdle to the future relationships of the parent as the child loves and is attached to the stepparent and would rather dad got back with her than introduce a new person.

As OP says, there may be times that they bump into her but other than friendly gestures like maybe buying Easter eggs, OP isn't required to have contact like a separated parent might have.

When exH left for OW his DD was living with us full time (Court ordered). I ended up being DSD's primary carer (again court ordered). She was 11 at the time and wanted to stay with me (and her half sister), as her dad had moved an hours drive away. ExH married OW and 20 years on they are still together. DSD never refers to her as her SM, but still does with me.

Looking at it logically in terms of your very reasonable desire to not be responsible for 3 kids and not making the SCs feel disposable at quite a delicate developmental age, I’d say text the DSC now and again so they know you still care, and MAYBE have them for tea once or twice a year.

The rest is on their mum and dad.

I think the ideal would be a friendly- auntie kind of relationship.

No formal childcare of DSC, no involvement in their education or parenting etc but in their lives for fun and days out etc when it suits the ex-SP to do so.

I know a few people in this situation and one ex-SP is definitely being taken advantage of. Their ex is off partying with his new partner whilst the ex-sp is doing childcare and school runs for her ex-DSC 🙄 and he EXPECTS it and is in no way grateful for the help he receives.

Essentially the DM and ex-sp manage the kids between them and the dad wanders in and out of their lives when he feels like it. And whilst yes, the ex-sm has a lovely bond with the DSC, but by doing this the Dad can get away with doing practically zero parenting and his DC barely see him and feel abandoned by him. It would be hard for her to walk away, but really that's the only thing that would force their dad to step up.

Another SM I knew walked away from her DSC completely when they were kids but re-entered their lives (at the DSCs instigation) when they were adults and they have a lovely relationship now. They spend time together because they choose to, not because they have to.

I think each circumstance is different though and needs to be judged by the individual set up.

I'm sure it depends on you and your relationship with the kids. I know quite a few former step fathers who continue to take the kid with their own biological kid (DSC's half sibling) but often there's no competing father figure in the first child's life.

If we split, I wouldn't be interested in maintaining a relationship with my two DSS. I've known them since they were 3 and 5. It's unfortunate but it is what it is.

You are under no obligation but having been on their lives for so long I do think you are being unkind.

I was with ex for 7 years. His kids were 6 and just turned 9. They are 19 and nearly 17 now and I still see them regularly. I split with their dad 3.5 years ago.

Dsd and I go shopping regularly and dss often meets up when we visit his uni town (better shopping) and always pops over when he is home.

I left their dad not them. They will always be my dsc. I love them like my own and they have the ability to drive me batshit just like my own dd.

I think I'd set out expectations that I wouldn't be childcare for the sdc.

Although if I ever fancied taking them all out for tea then dropping them straight back I'd be happy offering that.

Basically on your terms

No I don't think it's reasonable to expect this, in fact for many I imagine getting away from the step parenting situation would be a big reason for the relationship ending, it would definitely be high on the list for me!

Fine if you want to do it, but totally out of order to expect it.

I agree the dynamics will inevitably change.... However, children have their own relationship with their step parent. As long as it isn't abusive and both child and step parent want it, they should be allowed to continue it, albeit, changed.

I have seen quite a lot of damage felt by children who had a loving adult disappear because their parent ended a relationship. It is worse in children whose siblings are allowed that relationship.

If a parent still feels entitled to the support of a step parent after a split imagine how much support they must have expected in the relationship!

It can’t be expected but I think it is nice if possible. My former partner still sees my daughter, but I never expected it of him.

If you have brought these children up for many years I would still want contact with them. Possibly take them for days out, even holidays but it will depend on your stbx and his first wife what they want.

They’re your child’s siblings so you should encourage & facilitate a relationship as much as you can. That means doing as much as you can. All parties, not just you.

Three households will exist because that’s what you’ve all created. When you met DP he was already in a situation that you could have opted out of.

what happens if you have another DC with someone else and that doesn’t work out but he wants to see his DC but not yours?

Blended families aren’t for the faint hearted so if you make the choice to be a part of one I think the children’s interests trump the adults. All the children.

I’ve been with my DH 17 years and DSS1-3 are in their mid 20’s. I would be devastated if I lost contact if Dh and I were ever to split!

I think if you were to split Ex would be the one responsible to ensure all his children got together during his contact time - they could have their sleepovers etc then. I would happily have them over for bday parties provided my child wanted to invite them, but I wouldn't be doing any extra over nights or taking them out just for the he'll of it or anything like that. It doesn't mean you disappear it just means the amount and type of contact changes that's all.

Also at some point people will move on - new partners etc, you can't be overrun with Step kids and half siblings etc.

Of course every relationship is different and if exs remain close friends and everyone gets on then that's an entirely different matter and things would adjusted accordingly.

It's really tricky isn't it? DH and I struggled at one point, and he begged me to still carry on seeing his younger ones if we didn't make it - I'd built a relationship with them that nobody else had managed.

It depends why you are splitting. If it's because your DH expected you to do extensive childcare with zero parental authority and endless dictats from his ex - you'll be running for the hills and never looking back.

If you're selling up the home and buying or renting for you and yours - it would be ridiculous to expect you to fund a place big enough for overnights, holidays etc for 2 more people. Especially when they are not related and have 2 other homes already!

Even if your relationship with the DSC was pure Sound of Music, any future relationship is in the gift of the parents and their future partners. So could vanish at a moment's notice....

I would definitely avoid any formal arrangement. That leaves you free to play it by ear and see how the relationship develops naturally.

I'd be in self-preservation mode.

Assuming you do break up with your DP, do what's right for you and your DC, @PickAPetal1. No-one else is going to come along and altruistically do that for you - you have to look out for yourself and the DC for whom you are legally responsible, especially after a break-up where you have finances, logistics and housing to worry about.

You know for a fact that the half-siblings will continue to see each other, and you'll see the DSC now and again at drop-offs and pick-ups of your DC. It's really OK to say that that's enough for now, while the dust settles, if that's what you have the energy, mental space and money for.

OP,

You do what is best for you and your child.

Absolutely no childcare whatsoever as it is a gateway to being used.

See yourself as a kindly interested distant relative that is happy to see them when your paths cross.

All meetings should happen at the home of, and be facilitated by their father.

Op it's very informal for me. All contact time with dad is with all the children, so he sees siblings.
I've helped out twice in a year with childcare for all the kids eg day out somehwre as it was in my best interests and the kids are nice.
There is zero animosity here and me and ex Co parent well so I'm happy to help very ocassionaly. I dislike their mother and am truely grateful she is no longer in my life at all, but the ex step kids are older teenagers so it's a non isuee.
Just play it by ear and be relaxed.

I don't think there would be any expectation on you to have your SCs alone if you split up - I certainly wouldn't expect this if me and my DP split up.

Presumably your DH wouldn't want to lose any of his time with the children, and their mum would presumably not love the idea of being without her children extra so they could come to you?

I'd expect your DH to marry up the time (or some of it) so he has all 3 children together at points, so they can continue their relationship through him.

In most places Step Parents don’t have any rights to access DSC after a divorce. It would have to an informal arrangement with DSC father. He would be the one that ultimately decides whether you have access or not