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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Can I pick up my stepson from nursey without the mothers consent

73 replies

Daiseyrose · 06/07/2022 13:39

I know. Please know this is a hard situation.

My stepson goes to a daycare. His mum is going off, last minute - less than 2 weeks notice-, for 2 weeks on a pissup and is refusing to help sort out childcare for us (we work, she doesn't).

Do you think we can talk to the nursey and see about me picking him up and dropping him off (unfortunately my partner works till 6).

Is it wrong? I know this seems like a quick ask but we don't know what to do. She is making everything so hard for us.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 03:32

Daiseyrose · 06/07/2022 14:25

I know the ex, she tells me all the problems with my partner.
He does do pick up and drop offs too but he is currently going for a promotion, and his boss is reasonable but not have 2 weeks off reasonable. We are not married (yet) so that might complicate it.

I know it's not my problem, she does this ALL THE TIME, if we say no or try to compromise we are told he will lose his son. She seems forgets the only reason she even has a social life is because we have him.

When it comes to the nursey, we are a little ? worried? There's a 5 person name list and she put her mate on it instead of me. We don't want more agro from her, but also want the best for my stepson.

You're not married to the father, and let me guess, he thinks it's reasonable that you are now burdened with dealing with his child.

He can't get two weeks off with a weeks notice, he can do a day or two from home but that's the best we have.

Who's "we?" You? How is this now your problem? If I had a £ for every woman who has posted on mn about being expected to care for their boyfriend's kid, I'd be a billionaire. Sorry, op, your heart may be in the right place, but look at this with eyes WIDE open. It's very easy to slide into the trap of being taken advantage of.

I know it's not my problem, she does this ALL THE TIME, if we say no or try to compromise we are told he will lose his son.

Has he been gaslighting you to believe this bollocks? He can only "lose" his son if he allows it. He would take his ex to court for mandated access as any responsible parent would.

ImustLearn2Cook · 07/07/2022 04:06

I agree with pp that it is your dp who is causing the problem.

Yes, he should be dealing with arranging childcare while his child is staying with him. And he should be the one adding you to the list of people who can pick up dc from nursery!

Why should his ex add you as a person who can pick up her child from nursery? Your not her girlfriend.

He should be providing his child’s nappies, clothing, toys, bedding, etc. while his child is staying with him.

He should be washing his own child’s clothes. He should be providing food for his child and cooking, cleaning and caring. That is part of being a responsible parent.

Dads who don’t step up and take responsibility for their own kids will often find a girlfriend who will do it for them. He will demonise his ex (the mother of his child) and act like he is a victim to get you to feel sorry for him and do his job for him.

Wise up Op.

daisychain01 · 07/07/2022 04:39

My stepson goes to a daycare. His mum is going off, last minute - less than 2 weeks notice-, for 2 weeks on a pissup and is refusing to help sort out childcare for us (we work, she doesn't).

Isn't it amazing how the ex is always described in disparaging terms as going on a pissup. Anyone else it would be a social event but not when it's an ex.

Your interaction with the mother sounds toxic if they are dishing the dirt in your partner. You need to stop that and create distance, you're setting yourself up for bad times ahead.

In loco parentis is the expression you're looking for and the father can give this permission to you if he has PR, but again, you'd be better off staying well out of it in the circumstances you describe and let the father deal with picking up his son. He's only able to give you that job because you're allowing that to happen, he needs to step up and meet his obligation otherwise it's a slippery slope.

daisychain01 · 07/07/2022 04:41

Totally agree @ImustLearn2Cook !

daisychain01 · 07/07/2022 04:42

Your partner sounds like a feckless father, don't enable his appalling behaviour OP

timeisnotaline · 07/07/2022 05:07

Lots of replies from the op but none addressing the sensible answer to her problem suggested by many? The dad should be able to give permission; you say he doesn’t have any info from the nursery but if he has pr he has rights to all their info and their policies are generally not secret anyway? If I were separated I’d make sure I already had all of this information by having proactively asked the nursery, but better late than never.

CauliWobble · 07/07/2022 08:18

It depends on the arrangement with the nursery. In my case I was the parent who had signed them up, they wanted one named parent to be responsible for the bills etc. DH is named on the form as having parental responsibility too but I had to give a list of names and a password. They won't add anyone to the list unless I have said so as the agreement is essentially with me.

RedWingBoots · 07/07/2022 14:56

CauliWobble · 07/07/2022 08:18

It's is still for the Dad to sort that out not the OP.

And he should be taking care of his child not the OP.

RedWingBoots · 07/07/2022 14:57

OP what are you getting out of this relationship?

CauliWobble · 07/07/2022 16:30

RedWingBoots · 07/07/2022 14:56

It's is still for the Dad to sort that out not the OP.

And he should be taking care of his child not the OP.

Show quote history

I don't disagree with you there

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/07/2022 16:37

Your DP needs to send his ex a message along the lines of:

Dear Ex
Unfortunately due to work commitments I am unable to collect DS from nursery while you are proposing to be away on holiday. And as SM(you) is not on his collection list she wont be able to do it either. So unless you are able to add SM to the list, we are not able to accommodate you by looking after DS on this occasion.
Regards...

And watch yourself be added to the collection list in lightening speed.

Whether you should be doing all this is another thread entirely.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/07/2022 16:39

And ignore any threats about withholding access to the child, if she starts with parental alienation, she will lose custody entirely.

Replacethis · 07/07/2022 16:40

Going on a 2 week piss up? Oh fuck off, she is going on holiday.

chilledbubble · 07/07/2022 16:59

Replacethis · 07/07/2022 16:40

Going on a 2 week piss up? Oh fuck off, she is going on holiday.

A piss up is a legitimate holiday activity.

HappyMeal564 · 07/07/2022 17:06

You sound very bitter towards this child's mother. Particularly by complaining she asks you to have him so she can go on social occasions, however it's ok for you to do it when you want your birthday without him. If she's that awful your partner should go for full custody.

Also if it were the other way round, I'm sure many people wouldn't want the new man in their child's life changing their nappy it's no different. Your partner could change him in the pram, he doesn't need to sit in it

KylieKoKo · 07/07/2022 17:08

You sound very bitter towards this child's mother

I'm pretty sure it's normal to feel negatively towards someone who makes your life difficult ...
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chilledbubble · 07/07/2022 17:45

KylieKoKo · 07/07/2022 17:08

You sound very bitter towards this child's mother

I'm pretty sure it's normal to feel negatively towards someone who makes your life difficult ...
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You would think so but for some reason it's stated on here a lot so maybe us stepmums are supposed to just go ooooh yes lovely ruin our plans/life/peaceful family unit, thank you.

Beinggood2 · 14/09/2022 05:40

howtomoveforwards · 06/07/2022 17:43

She seems forgets the only reason she even has a social life is because we have him

This is absolutely vile. She is allowed a social life. She is more than reasonable to expect her ex partner to care for his child. You are utterly unreasonable to judge what it is she does with her child-free time. You seem to forget that your partner has been able to pursue a relationship with you becuase his child is being cared for by his mother. Why is her having a social life any different?

Your partner will need to ensure he has sorted this with the nursery but there is no issue with you picking up your step child.

Well said

Givenuptotally · 14/09/2022 06:38

She seems forgets the only reason she even has a social life is because we have him

really? Your partner sees his child because, presumably, he wants a relationship with him, to be a positive influence on his upbringing, to be involved in his upbringing.

and she’s allowed a life without her child.

she might be being difficult but you are all contributing to the problem here.

RedWingBoots · 14/09/2022 13:12

@Beinggood2 @Givenuptotally

ZOMBIE!!!

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/09/2022 23:12

🧟‍♀️🧵

lookluv · 15/09/2022 21:03

She seems forgets the only reason she even has a social life is because we have him.

What his father looks after his son.
Op - she may be difficult but you and your DP are not exactly shining yourselves in glory with comments like that. God forbid the EX should have any form of life away from her child but the DF can have it all his own way.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 17/09/2022 02:20

On Dad's time it's up to him who picks up. If I was in this situation as one of the parents I'd be telling the other parent if they wants to be able to change things around last minute then my partner needed to be on the list of people who can pick DC up.

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