Can I pick up my stepson from nursey without the mothers consent

[Daiseyrose]

I know. Please know this is a hard situation.

My stepson goes to a daycare. His mum is going off, last minute - less than 2 weeks notice-, for 2 weeks on a pissup and is refusing to help sort out childcare for us (we work, she doesn't).

Do you think we can talk to the nursey and see about me picking him up and dropping him off (unfortunately my partner works till 6).

Is it wrong? I know this seems like a quick ask but we don't know what to do. She is making everything so hard for us.

@liveforsummer get two weeks off with a weeks notice? I can't even get a day off without two! I assume most workers can't.
If they're having a stag, a hen, a boat party and a wedding then year I think you can call it a pissup and I mean, we get one weeks notice - how much notice has she had - surely no one is planning all this over night. Like I said, she was meant to take him.
But saying I can't get him from nursey knowing my partner doesn't finish till 6, that's just being difficult for difficults sake.

It is fine us taking him to hospital but she didn't even tell us he wasn't well! Like we kept giving him food and drink and milkshakes because he wouldn't eat or drink - if we had known we could have been prepared!

Equal responsibility isn't the issue, we want to take him out, get him in clubs, take him on day trips - we aren't allowed to, she stops us at every turn. She wouldn't let me change his nappy for three months. I'm telling you this isn't an us being difficult here. She is making it impossible, we've both recently changed jobs so time off isn't easy, she knows it. She knows we live in a studio flat. She also knows money is tight, but won't send nappys or clothes for him when we send him back in bits we buy (because I wash his clothes for her) they don't come back.

Like I said, there's many reasons for us to call the social, but he is getting to the last straw - we don't want to take him away from his mum she, but we don't want to be worrying about him.
Instead of going on a two week drink up, why not get a job? Or look for flats to get out of the temporary accommodation (she decided to stop paying rent after my partner moved out - got evicted and is now in temporary accommodation - but that's another story)

Your DP needs to take some responsibility in talking to the nursery - they won't speak to you.

SM here so I speak from experience.

• She's asked your DP if he'll take his son, presumably he's said yes so why would she sort out childcare for you?
• Yes you absolutely can pick up from nursery, they just need your DP to register you as an authorised adult.
• You are hugely invested in the life of your partner's ex wife. Whether some of it rankles or not, it's absolutely none of your business. You're picking faults at her being in temporary accomodation, but you're in a studio - meaning your DP hasn't even made provision for his child to sleep in a bedroom.
• It's not her job to provide you with nappies when it's your DP's contact time. He should have everything his son needs, including a wardrobe of clothes at your flat, and then you change him into the clothes (washed) that he arrived in before he goes back to his mum's.

@Wishenpoof40 we know that, I was more asking for advice before we ask them.
But everyone tends to say it should be okay. I'm off today so hopefully, we can sort it out x

She wouldn't let me change his nappy for three months

Why the hell would you want to? Surely his dad should be wiping up his own son's shit. His ex might be being difficult but you are making this harder on you than it needs to be by involving yourself when you don't need to.

I wash his clothes for her

Again, why are you doing this?

Have the dad contact the nursery. We have a list of approved caregivers for my son which they keep in a folder (provided a copy of ID and a photo to the nursery).

No one outside this list can collect him. As I pick him up everyday I do email them if once in a blue moon his babysitter needs to do it.

ALL of this.

@KylieKoKo I changed his nappy because we were out. Most places we go it's women's and baby change. Not a disabled baby change so I take it. But it's only a bloody nappy, I'd rather change it then let him sit in it. We both change it at home because we're both looking after him.
We stopped telling her what I do ages ago - sometimes I bath him because he asks, he asks for me to do things and I'll do them, sometimes he wants his daddy, and daddy will do it. It's a joint effort, I don't think I'm doing any more then anyone else.

As for the clothes... She's in temporary accommodation, I don't know about washing machine access, it's a lot easier for me to chuck it in with the rest then to give her a dirty bag full.

Do you not think I should? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I just thought it was helpful - I want everything to go smoothly ya know?

Do you not think I should? I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I just thought it was helpful

His dad should be doing all this. Yea you should send clothes back clean, yes you should provide nappies, no you don't need to tell her who is changing each and every nappy.

Gosh, you’re getting a very hard time! Stepmums get treated like shit on here no matter what they do. I think you sound like a lovely stepmum who cares a lot for this little boy 🙂

Dad contacts nursery and adds you as an authorized pickup person. Problem solved.

mom is not supposed to need to send anything for dad’s parenting time aside from prescription medication. Dad should have his own things for his child.

many jobs wouldn’t require an entire day off in order to pick up from nursery in time. He only needs enough time off to make the nursery run, not an entire shift. Most parents have to arrange their entire work schedules around child care on a daily basis and yes, that does impact employment options. That he has been able to avoid that constraint is a luxury.

Of course if it's a choice between him sitting in shit doing it then you should do it. My point is that this should not have been the choice. His dad should be doing all of this.

You are trying to be helpful but it's obviously not working for you as you are resentful and feeling used.

You can't control his ex's behaviour however you can control your own. You have fed into a situation where you are being used because you have been too accommodating and have jumped up to fill gaps in your DSC's parenting rather than let his parents sort it out.

It's a joint effort, I don't think I'm doing any more then anyone else.

This stands out. Raising your SS should be a joint effort between his parents. You should be doing far less than anyone else with regards to this because you are not his parent.

I know you have acted in good faith and for all the right reasons but you are creating a rod for your own back here.

many jobs wouldn’t require an entire day off in order to pick up from nursery in time. He only needs enough time off to make the nursery run, not an entire shift.

This too. Why can't your DP ask to start and leave earlier or have a shorter lunch and leave earlier so he can collect his son? What would he do if you weren't around?

OP, I think you are getting a really hard time here, and PPs are picking on stuff that isn't relevant.

However, I would agree that your DP needs to be stressing about sorting this, not you. It's fine for you to be included in plans, but I don't think it's your place to make them.

So many things in this post...

Firstly, get your partner to ring his own son's nursery and explain that he needs his partner to collect his child whilst mum is away. With his permission it will be fine.

Secondly, why are you even stressing about this? If you want to help by picking him up then great but your partner, his dad, needs to be contacting the nursery and figuring this out. None of this 'oh but he works' shit. He can find time to ring a bloody nursery himself.

Thirdly, why do you need the exes permission to do anything when the little boy is with you? If you're out and it's women's only baby change, just change his nappy if you want to. If the child's dad is fine with it then it's fuck all to do with her during his time.

Fourthly if she makes your life as difficult as you say and threatens to take his son away whenever he doesn't do as he's told, go to court and get it sorted properly.

Fifthly, what she does on holiday isn't you concern. The child's father should be able to manage a couple of weeks.

Or sixthly, just leave your partner to deal with ALL of it and take a massive step back. None of this is actually your problem.

She seems forgets the only reason she even has a social life is because we have him

This is absolutely vile. She is allowed a social life. She is more than reasonable to expect her ex partner to care for his child. You are utterly unreasonable to judge what it is she does with her child-free time. You seem to forget that your partner has been able to pursue a relationship with you becuase his child is being cared for by his mother. Why is her having a social life any different?

Your partner will need to ensure he has sorted this with the nursery but there is no issue with you picking up your step child.

OP please ignore the rude comments.

Your DP can speak to the nursery, explain and authorise you to collect.

Looking ahead, if I was him, I’d want this little one living with me full time.

Looking ahead, if I was him, I’d want this little one living with me full time

why? because hi mum dares to have a social life and is unfortunatley living in temporary accommodation?

Clearly, the father isn't prepared to make any sacrifices for his child - he's getting the OP to do the mum work for him.

It sounds as if you are living with a man and looking after his baby who is young enough still to be in nappies. It sounds as if you are taking the lead on a lot of childcare related stuff.
Please don't make the mistake of behaving as if this is your child and taking the hit of all the extra work and childcare when you are not married and the child is not actually your stepson. You've got very involved very quickly, and it sounds as if you are taking a lot of responsibility. This sounds harsh, but if you split up, you may never see this child again. Your boyfriend's baby is not your child. I'm sure you had good reason for living with a man who has separated from the mother of his baby, but make sure you protect yourself and your own feelings and your own time off.
Is there a reason why you are asking about the nursery rather than him contacting the nursery direct? Sounds like you are already doing wifework.

Am I missing something? Why do you need time off or to plan a vacation when he attends nursery?? It seems that it’s only an issue of pick ups so let your partner arrange it. Drama over nothing

Nope. Mostly because she failed to feed or seek help for her 2yo son when he had tonsillitis.

But also because she is repeatedly requesting more time from his Dad. so maybe it would be easier for her to be the NRP. She won’t ‘allow’ his Dad take him to toddler clubs or choose who he wants to collect his son from nursery. But she decided he should drop everything with his work to fit in with her last minute plans for a 2-week holiday.

I usually am of the opinion that let their parents sort it however, sometimes for the sake of your family and your DH's job and your happy to collect your Sc then all dad needs to do is tell them your collecting. He has equal parental responsibility and he won't require consent of the mother. They wouldn't release him to you without any consent but the fathers is perfectly acceptable.
FYI the mother is entitled to a break and some time out but she should be trying to make it as easier as possible. Some people are always so bitter!