Adult children | Mumsnet

singingblues · 2022-07-01T11:46:44+00:00

I imagine I am being incredibly unreasonable but I always imagined it was hard having a DP with young children but it seems so much harder having a DP with young adult children. We have been together 4 years so when they were younger I understood he paid for everything but they are now adults with jobs and he is still paying for expensive things - cars/phones etc. My kids who are a similar age get nothing - they pay for themselves. I wouldn't mind but he can't pay for us to do anything together because he doesn't have the money. He won't ever accept me criticising this. I feel stuck - this isn't going to change but the thought of leaving him makes me feel too sad. It's the only thing wrong with our relationship. We're not married and don't live together. Sorry for ranting - I suppose I just want to know if anyone else is like this?

MeridianB · 01/07/2022 12:51

If he doesn't plan to change then the question is whether this would be a deal breaker for the rest of your relationship.Your feelings could get stronger as the children get older, too.

It would be different if he was rolling in money, but it sounds like this is a lot of ongoing self-sacrifice, which is relevant to your future together.

HappyStep1 · 01/07/2022 12:56

You say they are adults but this could go on for some time, especially as they are just starting out in adult life, just because maintenance may not be "required" anymore doesn't mean he wants to stop being there for them.

If this is a real problem for you then you should consider if this relationship really has legs as it is unlikely to change any time soon. You cannot demand he prioritises you/your relationship over his children.

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/07/2022 14:57

No, it isn't easier with adult children. They can regard you as a threat to their cosy relationships with Dad, a big threat to any potential inheritance, and not want to invest any effort to absorb another woman into the family. If they do put themselves out, they may be like the Borg and want to assimilate your assets and labour without respecting you as a person. You need your own friends and family at your back - a strong support network.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/07/2022 15:01

It sounds like it’ll be even worse if he gets grandkids.

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 15:41

I would reconsider the relationship due to his lack of investment in the relationship . Maybe he spends money due to guilt op, it’s not likely to stop and if it’s really impacting on your life together then eventually it’s going to ruin your quality of life. He isn’t trying hard enough to make you happy/to compromise and I wouldn’t want to play second fiddle to someone else’s adult children!

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/07/2022 15:59

If the offspring are under about 25, then he is doing what a lot of parents do these days. It's two schools of thought - raise them to be independent at 18, or continue supporting them in some small ways until you retire! You do need to talk values and brass tacks, because it won't work if you're on completely different pages. You'll end up subbing him for everything to get any holidays or days/meals out. Unless you are comfortably off and won't miss it, it'll eventually piss you off that you are supporting his children instead of your own.

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/07/2022 16:02

The compromise is to go on as you are, but you go on holidays etc. by yourself or with your own children.

ivykaty44 · 01/07/2022 16:09

get on with your own life, as pp states - go on holiday with your own two dc and have fun with friends etc

don't hold back due to him not having the money to join in - thats his choice

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 16:15

If they do put themselves out, they may be like the Borg and want to assimilate your assets and labour without respecting you as a person.
@SpaceshiptoMars this is brilliant
@singingblues I have to say I've been there & ended the relationship for many reasons including this.
My exdp also got to a point where he couldn't afford a life with me as every penny was going on teen/YA dc.
His are now 22, 19 & 16. Not one of them has ever had a job. The eldest two have cars fully paid for by exdp. Neither are in college & neither are working.
Some of this is personality & some of it is the fact they were/are handed everything on a silver platter.
I have always fed, clothed & educated mine - I've also taken them on some great holidays. However, they have all known that extra money has to be worked for & they have all had holiday jobs since 16.
It's two vastly different ways of parenting.
Ime your parter will most likely stay on this path & if it's not for you (he won't suddenly see the light) then leave. Otherwise you will be miserable & angry a lot of the time.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/07/2022 16:33

You don't want to pay for them and he does.

You want his money instead.

Original poster

singingblues · 01/07/2022 17:00

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/07/2022 16:33

You don't want to pay for them and he does.

You want his money instead.

It's really not that I want his money. That couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:

Original poster

singingblues · 01/07/2022 17:01

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 16:15

If they do put themselves out, they may be like the Borg and want to assimilate your assets and labour without respecting you as a person.
@SpaceshiptoMars this is brilliant
@singingblues I have to say I've been there & ended the relationship for many reasons including this.
My exdp also got to a point where he couldn't afford a life with me as every penny was going on teen/YA dc.
His are now 22, 19 & 16. Not one of them has ever had a job. The eldest two have cars fully paid for by exdp. Neither are in college & neither are working.
Some of this is personality & some of it is the fact they were/are handed everything on a silver platter.
I have always fed, clothed & educated mine - I've also taken them on some great holidays. However, they have all known that extra money has to be worked for & they have all had holiday jobs since 16.
It's two vastly different ways of parenting.
Ime your parter will most likely stay on this path & if it's not for you (he won't suddenly see the light) then leave. Otherwise you will be miserable & angry a lot of the time.

I'm so pleased you understand. This is exactly where I am.

It just seems so sad to end the relationship when there is nothing else wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

singingblues · 01/07/2022 17:02

Provenceinthesummer · 01/07/2022 15:41

I would reconsider the relationship due to his lack of investment in the relationship . Maybe he spends money due to guilt op, it’s not likely to stop and if it’s really impacting on your life together then eventually it’s going to ruin your quality of life. He isn’t trying hard enough to make you happy/to compromise and I wouldn’t want to play second fiddle to someone else’s adult children!

You're probably right. It's just very sad.

OP posts:

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/07/2022 17:05

If you’re not married and you don’t live together, is it really that much of a problem?

What sort of things do you feel like your missing out on, and are they things he’d want to do as well? Some people get their joy from being generous to the people they love the most and of that him, you have to accept him the way he is.

RedWingBoots · 01/07/2022 17:11

ClocksGoingBackwards · 01/07/2022 17:05

If you’re not married and you don’t live together, is it really that much of a problem?

What sort of things do you feel like your missing out on, and are they things he’d want to do as well? Some people get their joy from being generous to the people they love the most and of that him, you have to accept him the way he is.

They can't do things like go on days out and holiday together because he has no money to pay towards it.

The point of having adult children who are working is your money doesn't need to be spend on them anymore.

This is why in my family lots of people retire early or if they continue to work - go on expensive holidays or take up expensive hobbies while they are still healthy.

SnowWhitesSM · 01/07/2022 17:25

I agree that there seems to be two type of people with spending on adult dc. I don't have adult dc, I have older teens, one has a job the other one gets pocket money but will be expected to get a job from 16. I do treat them, I take them out on nice days out and holidays, I take them out for food. However, I won't be doing this for them when they're adults. They might get a birthday meal out of me and I'll still buy them nice birthday and Christmas presents, but I won't be funding their lives.

My daughter has saved up £400 to get herself a new laptop for college, I am not going to accept her money and will buy her a new laptop myself but I'm so bloody proud of her saving up like that. What a complete and utter lack of entitlement she has! I couldn't be with a man who didn't have similar values to me with raising dc. Don't do it to yourself OP. It's headfuckery!

Spanielsarepainless · 01/07/2022 17:28

My DH's daughter was scrounging off her father well into her 40s. I don't mean small amounts either. His son never did. In the end I put my foot down and told DH he should tell her no more money. And he did!

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 17:33

It just seems so sad to end the relationship when there is nothing else wrong.
I also get this. Without exdp's dc we were fine. We had the same values & outlook on virtually everything. The only thing we disagreed on was his dc. Now I'd have wound my neck in if he'd had that attitude to child rearing in general but he didn't. He wanted to parent his dc from a position of guilt & no conflict but didn't think anyone else should do so. I honestly couldn't have my own dc being exposed to the one sidedness of his approach
All that being said I think he was genuinely oblivious to his treatment of his dc. I think he sees it now but it's too late & I don't think the dynamic between the lot of them will ever change.

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 17:34

*You don't want to pay for them and he does.

You want his money instead.*
@TheWayoftheLeaf this comment is bang out of order.

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 17:39

I'm so bloody proud of her saving up like that. What a complete and utter lack of entitlement she has!
I spoke to exdp recently. My 16yr has gotten herself (with no nagging) a job for the summer. His 16yr is sitting on his arse playing Xbox.
Like you @SnowWhitesSM I'm so proud of dd. I'm still giving her a bit of pocket money so she can save the majority of her wage as she wants to get a car when she goes to college & has calculated that 3 summers of work & maybe some Christmas work should cover it.

Original poster

singingblues · 01/07/2022 17:48

Magda72 · 01/07/2022 17:33

It just seems so sad to end the relationship when there is nothing else wrong.
I also get this. Without exdp's dc we were fine. We had the same values & outlook on virtually everything. The only thing we disagreed on was his dc. Now I'd have wound my neck in if he'd had that attitude to child rearing in general but he didn't. He wanted to parent his dc from a position of guilt & no conflict but didn't think anyone else should do so. I honestly couldn't have my own dc being exposed to the one sidedness of his approach
All that being said I think he was genuinely oblivious to his treatment of his dc. I think he sees it now but it's too late & I don't think the dynamic between the lot of them will ever change.

It was so worth posting for your understanding- thank you

OP posts:

SnowWhitesSM · 01/07/2022 18:04

I love that @Magda72 but then other people may view them in a different light or feel sorry for them. Different strokes for different folks.

The lesson that I have learnt this week from my ex is that what I consider damaging he considers love. That's the obstacle we could never get over.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 01/07/2022 18:58

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/07/2022 16:33

You don't want to pay for them and he does.

You want his money instead.

Just because you can be a 🔔 and be on the internet doesn't mean you should.

What a weird statement, just because you may expect money from any partner of yours, doesn't mean op is saying that.

Not everyone's the same and all that.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 01/07/2022 19:00

@singingblues I hate to say it but if you suspect he's in the camp of pay for children until he dies he very much may drag you down too.

Personally that would be my "run forest run" sign. The children won't be thankful if that's all they have ever been treated like, they will just be annoyed at you for trying to state the obvious. @SpaceshiptoMars puts it perfectly

howtomoveforwards · 01/07/2022 19:12

You don't live together so in that respect, you don't really have any right, as such, to question what he does with his money. Lots of parents will fund something for their children into adulthood because they want to/the child needs the support to be able to establish themselves/something else. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with that.

Have you discussed it with him? Is moving in together something you are both moving towards? If so, I think now is the time for the discussion about what might happen financially when you do move in together because that will give you an indicator of his thinking for the long term. I don't think the poster who said 'you want his money' is necessarily wrong here - but it would be better to say that what you want is a partner who will contribute to your joint outgoings in a fair and reasonable way and if necessary, stop funding adult children to be able to develop your joint life together. You're not being unreasonable in that regard.