Adult children

[singingblues]

I imagine I am being incredibly unreasonable but I always imagined it was hard having a DP with young children but it seems so much harder having a DP with young adult children.

We have been together 4 years so when they were younger I understood he paid for everything but they are now adults with jobs and he is still paying for expensive things - cars/phones etc. My kids who are a similar age get nothing - they pay for themselves.

I wouldn't mind but he can't pay for us to do anything together because he doesn't have the money.

He won't ever accept me criticising this. I feel stuck - this isn't going to change but the thought of leaving him makes me feel too sad. It's the only thing wrong with our relationship.

We're not married and don't live together.
Sorry for ranting - I suppose I just want to know if anyone else is like this?

I disagree with you not having a right to question what he spends his money on because you don't live together. Question everything and work out if your core values align before ever moving in together.

But what if he couldn’t afford things like that simply because his income wasn’t high enough? Would OP still value her relationship with him because of who he is, or does she really want a partner that is more of a travel/day out companion?

He has made it clear what his priorities for his money are and he doesn’t want that to change. OP can accept him as he is or find another relationship, but if he will get more pleasure from treating his family than going on a holiday with OP then no one has any right or reason to try and change him.

@ClocksGoingBackwards

But what if he couldn’t afford things like that simply because his income wasn’t high enough? Would OP still value her relationship with him because of who he is, or does she really want a partner that is more of a travel/day out companion?
He has made it clear what his priorities for his money are and he doesn’t want that to change. OP can accept him as he is or find another relationship, but if he will get more pleasure from treating his family than going on a holiday with OP then no one has any right or reason to try and change him.

It depends how extreme it is, really! Is this a man who comes round to eat 5 nights a week, but doesn't chip in for food? Does he ever buy a drink in the pub or a takeaway? Not contribute for a weekend in Skegness? Basically, is he just being very careful with money or is he spongeing? If he's just mega careful, then you have to decide whether he's worth a lifetime of picnics, walking everywhere and endless screentime/domestic hobbies.

Also, if you start a relationship when either or both have adult children, remember they can have very strong opinions on the subject of 'family' money... DH and I took a pretty modest European city break for a few days and got blasted by the eldest for excessive spending. They automatically thought Dad was footing the bills.... The fear of losing out is massive when Dad settles down after a few years of 'just us'.

I would never be in a relationship where a man got more pleasure in treating and funding his adult dc then going halves on a holiday with me. No other woman would have to put up with that.. only women of men who have dc that aren't theirs. It's really not normal.

Really helpful replies - thanks everyone

100% this. Of all the things I miss about my ex, the way he indulged his DCs is not one of them!

You say you don't live together, so presumably you don't share a budget. So I think it is his business if he wants to spend money on his children. I have adult children and still help them financially. I wouldn't be happy if someone told me I couldn't.

No she doesn't. It's that they can't do things together

We help our adult DCs - towards mortgage, stuff for DGCs, holidays - but they are successful in their own right and we can afford it.
I would feel differently if they didn't have successful careers and we didn't have the money.

There is nothing wrong in financially helping out your adult children now and again if you can also afford to live and enjoy your own life.

The OP's partner can't.

Therefore his adult children should financially stand on their own two feet.

The OP doesn't want his money she just wants to do things with him like going on days out and holidays. Neither of these are necessarily expensive but they make life worth living. He can't afford to do them as he is giving that money he should be using to enjoy his life to his children.

Yes what you said @RedWingBoots

There is nothing wrong with helping adult children financially, hell my parents probably spend a small fortune on me and my DC still.

But it becomes an issue when it's done at the expense of having their own lives, my parents spend money on me but they also go on holidays, have meals, dates, days out and so on, I am also working and have a career myself, I do not rely on them and anything they do spend is a treat and not expected.

It also speaks volumes about the adult DC themselves and what they are like that they would be happy to see their parents go without rather than support themselves with jobs. I'd be horrified as an adult if I found out my dad was going without so he could fund me. I wouldn't want to be with someone with entitled DC, I can't imagine it makes for nice relations.

How old are they? I have more sympathy for say a just turned 18 year old than a 20+ year old.