There's been a lot of aggro (hand wringing & pearl clutching) on here recently re adult dc/bedrooms/finances etc. so after meeting a good friend for a long awaited catch up I'm going to share this.
This friend is separated from her husband 6 years. She has a 24yro, a 21yro, a 16yro & a 12yro. For as long as I've known her she has lived in a tiny 3 bed (3rd bed is basically a box room), 1 bathroom, tiny kitchen/diner, 1 tiny living room house. Her dh was always unemployed (by wish - wanted to pursue his Art) & my friend was always self employed in an area that pays the bills but very little by way of luxuries. My friend cannot afford to buy a bigger house and where we are her mortgage is less than what renting would be.
Since splitting her h has not given her or the dc a penny - not a penny. He basically fecked off to another part of the country with another woman & sees the dc sporadically.
My friends eldest was doing exams when her dad left but ploughed on and did very well. She then took a year out and worked to save hard for uni. She has since obtained a first class degree all the while working while studying in order to pay her way through college (with the assistance of a small education grant). My friend helped her when she could but money was and is very tight. This girl is now working a full time job & putting herself through an MA programme part time.
The second eldest didn't want to go to uni but went straight out to work after school. 3 years later she's a manager of her division - the company's youngest at 21.
My friends youngest two are different sexes and given their ages can no longer share a room. So in their house my friend & her dp have one room, her dd has another & her ds another. At this the house is full to the brim as the house is truly tiny. My friend literally has no room for her older 2 when they visit.
Does anyone moan? No.
She & her older dc make day trips to see each other & the dc if push comes to shove will sleep on a sofa/floor if an overnight is necessary. They have both moved out all their stuff into their own accommodations which they fully fund themselves. These dc also have no rooms at their dads as he lives in a one bed with his gf miles away and they have little interest in spending time with him.
These dc are 2 of the nicest, most thoughtful, sociable & hardworking people I've ever come across. The took my friend out for her birthday recently & treated her to everything - a spa day followed by dinner. They have been treated appalling by their dad but are not bitter or nasty or needy.
My friends two youngest are also great kids and her 16 year old is now working all summer having completed their exams.
It's grafting like this that makes me see red on here with all the expectation that dc need two homes, two bedrooms & to be housed & financed by both parents well into adulthood.
There's so much bullshit on here as to what good parenting is - the Mumsnet version of it seems to be some middle class crap about proving your love by providing every material comfort going & that if you don't (especially as a separated/divorced parent) you are failing your dc, they will be scarred for life & you should jump through hoops to right this.
I know many teens and young adults and NONE of them (including my own) are as hardworking, independent or grateful as my friend's dc. Her family is proof that love is not money & bedrooms & holidays & mollycoddling into adulthood - it's graft & pulling together & mutual respect & gratitude & a hell or a lot of people on here could learn a thing or two about this from my friend.