Am I being over sensitive

[Bunnies53]

Partner if two years has a daughter. We go away regularly camping. I have a daughter too who occasionally comes.
before we got together my partner and his daughter went away by themselves. Since we got together they haven’t.

I give them time on their own both while we are away and at home. We don’t live together. He has just announced that his daughter misses them being alone together so they are going away for the weekend by themselves.

I feel shut out.
thoughts?

I assume you enjoy alone time with your partner, so why wouldn't his daughter also enjoy alone time with him.

Imagine you used to go on camping trips alone with your partner. Then your partner starts taking a work colleague along on each trip. Even if the work colleague takes a back seat, and grants you and your partner alone time, I'm sure you'd just prefer some trips when it was just you and your partner, with no work colleague there.
That's probably what his daughter wants.

Do you never have/want alone time with your own daughter - is your partner there all the time?

Hi OP, I think you are being a little sensitive and it’s great that his daughter has told her dad what she needs and he’s making it happen. I would encourage this.

Enjoy some QT with your DD xx

You’ll get little support on Mumsnet being a step mum. You’re supposed to put all your needs to one side in favour of the kids. You have no right to be upset blah blah. But I hear you, thankless bloody task! It’ll only get worse get out if you can.

@HumptyDumpty2022 victim complex.

All needs aside ? By letting your partner have one weekend alone with his kids.

Dramatic much

You have any experience of being a step mum before you make these statements? If only it was only one weekend!! I’d gladly let them have weekends alone together, it’s the ones where I had to be involved that were the problem!!

anyhow not sure why I’m wasting breath on this with women who have zero idea of how awful being a step mother is.

OTT much.

They don't live together and partners DC wants to go away on their own with their dad.

Can't see the isssue.

Oh and I am a SM.

I'm going to come at this from a slightly different angle here.
Initially I had the same with my 2 younger dc re their sm - she was always around & they were getting no alone time with their dad.
Eventually I got it out of my eldest that their dad was asking her along to everything & so, being a first time sm she believed herself to be welcome & kept saying yes. In her eyes she was putting in a big effort.
When I was with exdp who had 3 dc he did very similar. I would agree to some stuff & (following on from my own dc's experience) say no to other stuff. When I said no I was accused of not wanting to hang out with his dc & of being distant! However, when I did say yes to certain things his dc left me in no doubt that I was 'intruding' & exdp stopped asking me along to everything! Basically if I could say no to somethings they (the dc) expected me to say no to everything & their rejection of me & and exdp's unwillingness to handle the situation was quite hurtful given the efforts I had made to get on with them & the fact that I was the one trying to give them space with their dad.
In both these scenarios it was the dads trying to force their dc & partners to build up a relationship with each other & then totally mismanaging the expectations on everyone's part that caused a lot of issues all the while landing both me & my dc's sm in it.
Now - in this case the dd is perfectly entitled to want some alone time with her dad but it would be interesting to know if all this 'together' time was initially pushed by the dad who has now decided to pull back & in doing so has hurt op's feelings by building up the togetherness & then withdrawing it?
It should also be noted that if this is the case & the dd has now kicked, there is a very good chance that she will (as per my situation) keep requesting alone time as she sees her dad responded in her favour and did what she wanted. Older dc can get very manipulative regarding this stuff.
In fairness to my exh he subsequently handled things well. He told our dc that he would do alone time with them regarding certain things but that their sm (who at this point was his gf) was an important part of his life & he wanted her to be included in certain other things. He listened to the dc but tempered it.
I don't think it's fair to just assume the op is just being childish or needy as it depends on who set up this situation & how this situation was set up in the first place & in my experience it is often the dads who push everything & then do an about turn.
Obviously if it is the op who has been pushing all this togetherness & not the dad then yes, she is being too sensitive & needs to relax a bit.

What’s with all the passive aggressive ‘much’ statements - is this the new Mumsnet fad - another one to single out the sheep?

@KylieKoKo Fair enough, yet the majority of them then stick around and whinge and moan about their "partner's children" with such disdain. The number of threads on MN where there is a resentful undertone about them having children from a previous relationship is shocking. Get out if you can't be mature and put your own feelings/resentment aside in a blended family.

@KylieKoKo Fair enough, yet the majority of them then stick around and whinge and moan about their "partner's children" with such disdain. The number of threads on MN where there is a resentful undertone about them having children from a previous relationship is shocking. Get out if you can't be mature and put your own feelings/resentment aside in a blended family.

This is actually not fair at all. Most sms on here acknowledge that the sdc are not the issue but rather the dynamics between their parents & the inevitable resulting Disney Dad-ing that occurs. These are very often dynamics that don't present themselves until well into the relationship & often don't even occur until marriage &/or a baby has occurred.

I take each of my three kids camping one on one every summer. Quality time and that. No one else is invited. I think it’s a nice thing.

This is certainly fair comment in some instances @KylieKoKo, I've experienced it with my own kids' Sm. Imagine how you would feel to be sat at home reading awful comments about your kids!

Despite what my step kids mother claims my issues were with her and my husband’s poor co-parenting more than the kids. At the beginning boundaries were non existent, the kids had zero discipline and were spoiled by their father to the exclusion of everything else. Their mother still believes she’s the most important and hard done person on our planet and believes the nonsense that her daughter mostly fed her about life in our home. I remember one incident clearly. I loved time alone and if husband played golf whilst the kids were occupied elsewhere - brilliant! What I didn’t want was to look after his kids while he played golf and their mother swanned around. We rowed about his expectation I would look after his kids not the golf, it was fed back to mummy all wrong and she happily gloated about a load of BS her daughter fed her. This happened many many times, unfortunately daughter isn’t all that bright and often got it wrong, I have to admit to playing on this and feeding duff information back, without fail it happened. The mother has a very skewed idea of life in our home yet believes she knows everything.

It was a dynamic that was toxic in the extreme and had to stop. I was fortunate to be able to do this whilst still retaining the relationship with my husband. She can think all she likes she hasn’t a clue what it was actually all about. I’d warn any would be step parent to think very carefully before moving into a relationship where there are young children and a mother who hasn’t let go of her marriage (despite it being very much over). It’s a poison to everyone including ex wife - ever heard the phrase revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die!? It’s this exactly.

Sounds perfect, many step parents would happily step back in this situation. I’d rather die than go camping - step kids or not.

This sounds lovely, what wonderful memories your children will have 😊

I, too, think you’re being over-sensitive. This isn’t about you. It’s about a girl and her dad spending quality time together.

The camping trips are their thing. If they want to invite others they will.

Also, not sure if DD lives with her Dad, sees him every weekend or less, but would recommend you take several big steps back and let them have more time without you being in the house.

I think it’s great his DD has spoken up - shows great emotional maturity.

You really do not need a crystal ball on this issue.

How do you know how you’re going to feel in a situation as complex as a step family when you’ve never had experience of it? I was full of hope and excitement at the start, thought it would be wonderful. How wrong I was. I agree with the crystal ball comment, if I’d known how awful it would have been I’d have never put myself in the situation. I hope DH and I will always be together but if we’re not one of my deal breakers will be no kids (prob grandkids by then) / no jealous ex!

Most parents don’t get whole uninterrupted romantic weekends. That’s life. If she wants to have a boyfriend all to herself she needs to get one that doesn’t have a daughter. A parent (a good parent anyway) should always prioritise their kids over a girlfriend or boyfriend.

Feeling pushed out is immature. Don’t you think the girl feels pushed out than her special time with dad has stopped because he has a new girlfriend? Consider yourself lucky you’ve met a man who has shown you he listens to his child and meets her needs appropriately. Or alternatively split up and find a man with no kids.

I mean she’s not being asked to put her needs to the side - she’s not being asked to do anything, simply to allow this man to parent his child for one weekend. It would be different if he was asking her to give up her own time to do something but he isn’t. He’s simply saying he isn’t available one weekend as he’s going away with his daughter.

And if we’re going to be blunt, she isn’t even a stepmum. She dad’s girlfriend - they don’t even live together.

Not all one-on-one time is the same or of equal nurturing value to different people. They used to go camping together, in a one-on-one dynamic. Now they don’t, and the daughter misses this particular one-on-one situation, so they are going camping alone again. It doesn’t mean your husband is turning back the clock completely to the time before you were part of their lives, or that it’s a slippery slope of rejecting you from all camping trips or other things.
It just means this one thing which was special and important for her to do as a pair, will be restored.