Has anyone ever taken DSC away on holiday themselves without parents?

[Elevenstranger]

I'm a teacher and like to make the most of the summer holidays. My family are also from another country in Europe. Most now live here in the UK but some are still over there, as well as many of my friends as I lived there a number of years so I like to visit often. Obviously with covid the last couple of summers haven't been the same so this is the first one I feel like I can really take advantage of.

I have 2 SSs who live with us full time. I also have a child with my DH. DSSs can be hard work at times in the way many children can be but are generally pretty lovely kids and we have a good relationship. DH works long hours and starts really early so it's typically me getting them up and ready for school every day. I also collect them and do dinner, homework, etc until DH comes home then he will get them to bed most nights (although sometimes they'll ask for me so I will). I don't begrudge this but it limits what I can do hence why I really want to make the most of my holidays when I get them. The boys are likely going to spend half the holidays with their mum and half with us so my plan for this summer had been to go camping in a particular place in the UK I've always wanted to go with my own child while they are with their mum and then all of us as a family go to my family town for the rest of the time. My DSSs have never been but always say how much they want to go and I know that they would love it there.

The last few weeks DH has been stalling whenever I mentioned summer plans and I knew he was going to tell me he might not be able to go on holiday due to work as I could see it heading that way with things that were happening at his job. Tonight he finally told me he needs to work all summer.

Thing is because I'm a teacher and won't be working I know that the expectation is going to be on me to look after them. I've already decided that I'm not doing this. I spend all year doing the lion's share of the care (which I know people will comment on in itself but it is what it is, my partner can't change his hours- he did try- he's currently doing training to get work which will be better hours to change this) but I'm not giving up my summer holiday to stay at home and look after them.

What I'm debating in my head though is if I should suggest to DH that they still come away with me to my family hometown. As I said, they would love it and I also have my friends and family there as support and who can help out (in fact I'd have more support there than I do where we currently live). Has anyone ever taken their DSC on holiday without their parent? If so how did it go? Any issues at the airport? DH and I don't share the same surname which could make it more difficult but I'm sure there are ways around that.

I just keep thinking about the mum. Wouldn't she like more time with her children if they can't be with their dad? I mean maybe not but I do sometimes wonder if men choose shared 50/50 to save themselves money without actually doing the care. In your DH's case he's farmed it all out to you.

What would he do if you weren't there to parent his kids?

If it's cordial, I'd give mum first refusal, then I'd go and take them. It seems on MN, SM are not supposed to even feed DSC and that's the fathers job, but if you all get on ok, and the holiday would still be fun with them, then I would still go.

I think ot sounds like a perfectly fine plan! And what I particularly like, it shows them that you treat them.like.family. I used to take my own children to my home country in the summer while their dad worked for most of it. He would join us for a couple of weeks. It was easier!

It will be an adventure for them, and will expose them to a new language and culture and you get support . Sounds awesome. You sound awesome.

I've done it without issues. Kids were all well behaved. My mum took my step brothers to Disneyland without their parents when I was an adult. Always found that one a bit bizarre that neither parent wanted to go but to each their own. I think you'd have to offer mum first refusal though if she wants them more.

It's not 50/50, they live with us full time and see their mum every second weekend. I don't want to go into the details on this thread but the reasons why they don't live with her are the same reasons why it wouldn't be good for them to be there the whole summer.

If I wasn't around then in all liklihood he would have needed to quit his job without the ability to easily get another due to our location having very limited opportunities. As I explained he is retraining in order to have more time at home but can't just walk into another job. But this is beside the point of the thread.

Answered to the first post without reading all the others and just read through them and have seen others also saying about giving their mum first refusal. I think this would be the right thing in the majority of circumstances, but they live with us due to quite serious and damaging things that occurred previously when living with her. They still see her every second weekend and up until now have spent a portion of the holidays with her however never for as long as they will this summer as over time it has been increasing as things have seemed more stable.

It's nice to see that others are positive about it and great to know it went well for you @Rtmhwales@Rtmhwales

I think ot sounds like a perfectly fine plan! And what I particularly like, it shows them that you treat them.like.family.

This is a part of why I would love to take them as well- my family town and many of the people in it are a big part of my life and will likely be a big part of my child's life that I share with DH. I know we are a blended family so there will be differences in their backgrounds and experiences but I don't want a huge divide where there a this big part of my child's life, that they don't get to experience or share in, particularly as it's one that I think they'd get a lot out of. I also feel like me taking my child and leaving them behind sets a tone that I don't want to be setting.

@Elevenstranger how old are they? What's the age gap with your child?
I would take them, you sound like you have a good relationship with them and given what you say about their mum you seem to be their main carer

how old are they? What's the age gap with your child?

They are 6 and 11 and my child is 1 so they're all at very different stages.

The only issue would be if their mum objected and wouldn't let them travel, as you say things are dicey and allude that things aren't great at hers?

The only issue would be if their mum objected and wouldn't let them travel, as you say things are dicey and allude that things aren't great at hers?

This has crossed my mind. She can be quite up and down in how she will respond to things so I was hoping we could maybe broach it with her when she's seeming positive and ask her for written permission just to make sure that there's no issues at the airport or anything.
It could very definitely be a stumbling block though and she may well say no.

I think with blended families it's about comfort levels. If your happy with looking after SDC then go for it.

As a mum I would never stop my DC from having experiences potentially I couldn't provide.

They live with you full time which I suspect helps in this matter. I hope your DH looks after you and knows how Brillant you are !

Would DH be able to take a couple of days off work & fly out with you for a long weekend? Then at least you’d have one parent travelling, also he can help with all the bags & the baby. Otherwise it sounds like a great idea.

Also, it sounds like he never even requested the annual leave. Or left it too late so it was all booked up. I would be annoyed about this.

www.gov.uk/permission-take-child-abroad
Looks like legally you definitely need written permission from You DSC’s mum unless she no longer has parental responsibility, in which case you’d only need your H’s written permission. You could take it to court to get permission for the trip if she objects but that’s probably a long shot given the time frame. If hour H could fly out with you and fly back with you (two long weekends at your destination? that might help but you’d still technically need permission from DSC’s mum unless there’s a CAO and the trip is less than 28days.

You sound like an amazing step mum.

I don’t think anyone would or should blame you if you wanted time with your baby and family. Your DH would have to get childcare.

But if you feel able to take them and have support there, and finances permit (presumably their mum is paying maintenance?) then it sounds like a wonderful idea. Your DH should be incredibly grateful.

I think that the 6 year old would struggle being away from both parents that long term. The 11 year old should be fine, it's a very normal age to be going on scouts camps without parents.

The other alternative if you are not there to look after them is that they go to a residential summer camp like PGL and Camp Beaumont. Just because dad can't get time off work and mum's is not suitable doesn't men that childcare needs to come down to you.

I think that the 6 year old would struggle being away from both parents that long term.

Remember the OP does all the day to day care so is very familiar with the dc. I would though agree to see if dh can ferry them out there that way you could go for longer say 5 weeks with dh coming over one weekend with the dsc after they have seen their mother, leaving them with you then returning a few weeks later to pick you all up. This is giving you time alone with just your dc especially as that first few weeks your dc would be very much centre stage as your child and the dsc might feel left out. If you have already done the initial meet and greet the remaining holiday can focus more on them.

Yes I have and you need a lot of signed paperwork, you can get forms and such online. It also depends what country you are going to. You need it signed by both parents and it needs to be witnessed with destination address etc. I’ve been stopped a few times, almost missing the flight once, so I take a trail of paperwork.

Nothing wrong with it in principle. But I expect you'll need written permission from both mum and dad to leave the country with them so I guess depends if you think you'll get it.

Definitely do not give up your whole summer though to stay home and look after them if mum doesn't give her permission. Your husband will have to sort that out if it happens and take time off or do whatever else he'd do if you weren't around.

Your husband has options here:-

• agree to the DSSs going away with you
• sorting holiday clubs for them while you are away

Do not change your planned trip for this.

In the circumstances I think it’s a great idea. It would be worth getting documentation from your DH saying you can act in loco parentis over health matters etc as well as whatever paperwork you need to travel.

I would take a letter with DHs written permission and a copy of their birth certificate and don’t worry about the mums written permission. So many people have different names to their DC now that they won’t find it unusual at passport control etc
Ive taken my DSD away in the UK with me when I’ve wanted to go somewhere or had plans and DH has been away too or working. I never really thought of it as out of the ordinary

I think it's great to take them. They seem interested in your family and want to go which shows how much they see you and your family as there's.

I'd take them. They live with you full time.

Not once has anyone ever said anything to me about ds dad and giving him any kind of first refusal for holidays

for that matter I’ve not seen any woman on mumsnet being asked “what about dad…”

if the kids live with their dad full time, it’s clear as fucking day that there’s a problem with the mother’s situation

this is the second thread in as many days where people have bent over backwards to sympathise with people who quite clearly are not able to act in the best interests of their child/partner etc.