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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My step-daughter hates me

44 replies

MrsAmbitious · 30/05/2022 03:36

I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 1. He has 3 children, 1 of which we have shares custody with his ex. She's literally going to causing me to ask for a divorce!!! Sad part is she's only 6. Yes, I've been in her life almost the whole time, but at first, she was just clingy to him. But ever since he asked for my hand in marriage, the little demon has come out of her. She even told him that if he marries me, she would be so sad and angry at him. She's constantly trting to push her way in between us and she even went as far as to tell him that she wants to do the stuff she hears on the tv ( so long story short, when we have sex, he turns the tv loud). This cant be normal behavior. The part thay makes it so bad is that he doesn't discipline her or sets any proper boundaries. And when I say something, its like he's clueless and doesn't understand my point. She told him before " daddy i wish you never met her and love her and you met me and ask me to marry you and i be your girlfriend and sleep with you every night". Her mother hates my guts because she's been trying her hardest to get back with my husband and was devastated when she found out we were married so I figured she's telling her daughter things. But my point is what am i to do when dad sees no wrong? My children are 19, 17, and 12 and witness her grtting away with this behavior daily and its altered their behavior because of what she gets away with. Please advise me if im being irrational because I'm losing my mind.

OP posts:
ElenaSt · 30/05/2022 04:04

I'm confused over the tv bit.

Are you saying that you turn the tv up when you have sex so that she can't hear you having sex but she knows you are having sex?

Alexbulance · 30/05/2022 04:58

Why did you marry a man who can't discipline his child? Surely you also have control and a say in what the child does if she lives with you half of the time & has been in your life since you met your husband....Hmm

MintJulia · 30/05/2022 06:16

She's six and you have no idea what toxic nonsense her mother is telling her. You are an adult with long experience of children.

You behave normally, you include her in fun things, be kind and consistent with her, you take zero notice of the things she says, you give her scheduled alone-time with her daddy, when he takes her to the park or soft play or reads her a story. And maybe don't have sex while she is awake and close by.

She'll come round.

WooNoodle · 30/05/2022 06:24

Sorry don't understand the TV part.

Are you making sure they have time without you around? And if DH doesn't see anything wrong with her being so rude to you it won't get better so I'd leave tbh.

pinkfondu · 30/05/2022 06:45

That poor little girl

evrey · 30/05/2022 07:04

I wasted many years in a similar situation. To the point a counsellor pointed out that I was trapped in a emotionally abusive relationship with both of them.
I think step mothers can get a Terrible deal at times. But it's a taboo because it involves a child

SoggyPaper · 30/05/2022 07:05

pinkfondu · 30/05/2022 06:45

That poor little girl

Indeed. Her father has clearly failed to emotionally support her in a healthy way, to set boundaries so she can feel secure and he doesn’t even (want to) recognise that her current behaviour is a clear sign she needs him to step up and parent her properly.

Or were you just trying to shame a SM who is finding living with a confused and upset little girl whose father is pretending nothing is wrong difficult?

howtomoveforwards · 30/05/2022 07:12

Her mother hates my guts because she's been trying her hardest to get back with my husband and was devastated when she found out we were married

was DSD involved in your wedding?

Ferngreen · 30/05/2022 07:18

Why does he only see one of his children?
How are your DCs with the 6 year old.
I think you should all - DH, you and your DCs make a real effort to enjoy time with the 6 year old. You do realise that if you don't win her over and make her happy she could be much worse as she grows. As a DGM I love 6 year olds, painting, playing ball watching them learn and grow. You are missing a lovely opportunity.

Why not skip sex when she's around. I feel sorry for her not you.

Finallylostit · 30/05/2022 07:43

Sorry OP - you are not coming across very well - it may be in how you are putting it.

The child is 6 and you have been with Dad for 5 years and the Mum wanted to get back with him - sounds like the split was one sided and you may have one of the causes. Or are we going to have the Mum was having an affair having just given birth and with a 1 yr old or was this a short fling?

You are married and the DM got upset when she found out - suggests his DD was not involved or part of the wedding. Were your DCS there? Also sounds like your DH was giving her ideas that they could get back together even after 5 yrs.

You have sex, whilst a 6 yr old is still up and turn the TV up loud so she does not hear and that entertains her - or am I reading this completely wrong?

I get the impression he does not discipline her because he is Disney dadding to a certain extent and also aware that maybe he has not behaved in an acceptable way to his DD. Of course she was clingy with him - she is 1 yrs old when you two got together - must toddlers do have a clingy phase.

Her mother may well be saying things to her , equally she may not.

What you have is an unsettled 6 yr old who is pushing back and needs to feel secure in this family and it sounds like she has never felt secure from your description. What ever the cause, this little girl ( and she is little) needs her DF and his wife to start making her feel safe, secure and part of his new family - not the resentment of the child which seeps out of your post.

Bananarama21 · 30/05/2022 07:50

Are all his dc with one person? He had a one year old when you started his relationship? Was there a cross over? Sounds a lot of drama in a short amount of time. I don't understand the TV and sex thing either tbh.

icelollycraving · 30/05/2022 07:55

How often is she with you? Were you instrumental in the breakup of his relationship with her mum?
So she’s awake when you’re having sex. That makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I’m sure it wouldn’t lots of people. She will either think she’s missing out on fun or knows what you’re doing. Either way it sounds like she’s a very unhappy little girl.

lunar1 · 30/05/2022 08:33

Where are his other children in this, do you have a good relationship with them?

He sounds like a completely dysfunctional parent to his 6 year old.

HoopDaHoop · 30/05/2022 09:11

My children are 19, 17, and 12 and witness her grtting away with this behavior daily and its altered their behavior because of what she gets away with

I think your children, especially the elder two, are too old to be changing their behaviour because of what a 6 year old does/doesn't do. That's not an excuse for two basically adult children!!

But to the main issue, I think you have to decide what you want here. She isn't going anywhere. Can you follow the advice from PP above of be consistent, kind, take no notice of these things and give one on one time with her dad and hope that she grows out of this behaviour? Just disengage and do the minimum of being kind to her and giving her time with her parent, ignore the other stuff and don't get involved.

If not then leaving is really the only option you're left with because as I say, she isn't going to go away. She will be in your lives forever. Hopefully as she matures this behaviour will stop of course but it depends if you can make it until then.

I don't envy you the situation, it sounds tough. I don't think you're unreasonable to have negative feelings either, who wouldn't in this situation? Child or not, she sounds difficult to deal with and as you're not her parent you don't have that unconditional love to fall back on. It's all very well people saying 'but you're an adult', but it doesn't actually make any difference to how you feel or how difficult you find her.

I'd he suggesting to your husband that he takes her to see someone too.

pinkfondu · 30/05/2022 11:32

@SoggyPaper calm down dear, my sentiment was exactly as expressed.

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:17

I'm sorry let me clear this up. When we have sex, typically around midnite-ish, ehen the chuldren should be asleep, he turns the tv loud so if my older children walk by they won't hear us (so we thought). Maybe our walls are thin who knows.

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:19

Good question that I am now rethinking

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:37

To all: let me explain! No I was never involved in an affair while he was with his ex. I met him through a mutual friend asking for my help by renting him a room. He needed a place to stay because he left his apartment to his ex because she had the baby after wlhe woke up in the middle of the night to her being naked in a towel with a man standing in their house. She was literally cheating on him while he slept! After months of getting to know him and his children (when they visited) i saw how my children grew to love him. Which is what broke the oce to us building a friendship. I gave his kids all the love I give my own and everything was great with the kids and still are with his oldest 2 children. Its the youngest that changed after the proposal. Shes constantly telling him "mommy said this and that" and "mommy loves you blah blah blah" as far as giving them time? She gets all the time in the world, more than the average kids get. This visiting thing is only 2 months fresh pending court proceedings because she is im school and we recently bought a house far from where we lives. So the judge gave the mom temporary custody until she finishes this school year and then we go back to get custody back of her with the mom getting her on weekends. I hope im making myself clear because this is a lot. Now for the time, I'm not a needy person so my husband has plenty of space and time with his daughter. For example, they're at the river now and have been for hours! When they come home guess what? He's gonna come in the room and greet me with a kiss and she's gonna be right there behind him. He's probably gonna go use the bathroom and wash his hands and she's gonna be right there waiting for him to come out. Soon as he comes out he's gonna go to the kitchen for a drink and she's gonna be right behind him. And when he comes back in the room to relax, she's gonna come right behind him and sit in between us and think of another reason to pull him away from me to go do something with her alone. It's been like this and im tired. Why is a 6 year old competing with me for attention i dont even demand. Like its easy to judge because I probably wouldn't understand this story if I wasn't living it myself but I'm breaking inside to the point that ALL the love I gave to this child all the activities and energy i put into her I no longer do. The things she says and does to me after I've done and given her, shows it means nothing to her. Like when does it stop? Luckily, its only on weekends now because before it was daily, constantly.

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:42

Poor little girl? Is it normal for little girls to want to have sex? Is it normal for little girls to peek into the bathroom window while dad is in the shower or using the bathroom? Is it normal for little girls to constantly whisper how much mommy misses him and loves him? And she gets quiet when i come around because she's old enough to know its "a secret". She's old enough and I've been around long enough to not still be going thru this mess. So no!!!! No poor little girl, she's manipulating daddy.

lunar1 · 30/05/2022 22:44

So the 6 year old is a manipulative mastermind and her dad is a poor hapless sap with no ability to do anything?

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:46

Yes! He is definitely a big part of the problem!

lunar1 · 30/05/2022 22:46

Most commonly, the only children of that age who know about sex, if she truly does understand what she's saying, are victims of sexual abuse. So yes, poor little girl.

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:52

He is very passive to a fault and avoids conflict at all costs. I have spoken with him so much and he acts as if im exaggerating most times. The one and only time he ever disciplined her was because we were at our new house right afterwe bought it and she just came home from being with mom. My daughter called us because my stepdaughter was asking for dad. So she gets on the speaker phone and goes "hey daddy!" Im like "hey (her name)" and she goes "hey monkey!" My mouth dropped! Thats what her jealous mother calls me. So when we finally got home, he spanked her because he couldnt deny and act like he didnt believe me then smh

Creatororthread · 30/05/2022 22:54

I thought that too!! But I moreso believe its the things her mom say to and in front of her

excelledyourself · 30/05/2022 22:57

He hit his child for something he knows the mother has taught her??

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