Older DSC starting to want to come less

[KingKung]

Anyone been through this and had their DH try and compensate for it through Disney dad'ing?

It's driving me up the wall.

Two DSC, teens, have started to want to come less (they are supposed to be here 50% of the time.

From an outsider's perspective i.e. mine, I get it. They are more interested in their friends these days than going to dad's half the week. We also have young shared DC whereas mum does not so probably a more chilled out vibe at hers. It personally hasn't worried me, they haven't suggested it's anything other than just growing up and wanting to stay at 'home' which they see as their mum's.

However I appreciate from a parents perspective i.e. my husband's it must hurt and be upsetting.

However, the way he goes on trying to make up or change this is really putting a strain on me. Any time they stay it has to be all eyes on them, the whole time DSC focused, everyone supposed to stop what they are doing to just be in their presence kind of thing.

Buying expensive 'treats' all the time that we can't really afford, trips out, takeaways every time, making me feel bad if I make plans elsewhere when they decide to visit that sort of thing.

It's driving me up the wall.

I understand what he’s trying to do, I guess soon he’ll see it’s not going to work and will calm down! I would be trying the same thing I guess if this happened to me

I would be saying to him that he's done well that his two Dc are confident enough and feel their bond is strong enough for them to say this to him and know it won't damage the relationship.

This is quite normal behaviour of teenagers tbh I lived with my mum and in my teen years barely in the house. Try to explain to him that they aren't doing it at them and the more chilled out his is about it the more likely they are to come. Teenagers hate pressure and Disney dadding is a form of that.

Meanwhile your DH getting his head around teenagers. You put some firm plans in place or boundaries of what you will and won't do for teen step children, let them know and discuss it like the mini adults they are. My Dsc knows for instance that I will pick her up day or night no matter what state she's in but if she's put herself at harm I will inform DP and her mum.

We have curfew and rules around contact if going out of a night out and emergency plan of something goes wrong. Especially important for girls (sad to say in this day and age)

Then get a bottle of wine in and cake and whenever your driven bonkers pour a glass abs cut some cake and remember this to shall pass.

Whilst I do get it, it's making me hate the times they do stay now because I just can't bare how he's being.

I get it, but I'm not going to act like it's the second coming whenever they do decide to stay!

Thank you that's really helpful!

I think it's normal, I would have hated to have missed out on hanging out with my friends for 50% of the week because when I was teenager.

In our case contact has changed rather than reduced. They are less likely to spend all weekend here but are more likely to pop over for dinner or meet us in the evening. Is this a possibility for you?

You should not be expected to cancel plans just because they've decided to come over. Stand firm in this or you will become resentful.

I wish my two SS's would start to come less they are 15 and almost 19 and still come EOW tea and stop over once a week and most holidays.
Never go out with friends or talk to them other than online gaming.... I wish they would cancel on us for friends which I know sounds mean but im at the stage where I don't think they'll ever stop coming until they get married!

Sounds like my two stepsons although one is at uni now but up until then was coming three nights a week with his younger brother, no social life, hadn't learnt to drive and so expected to be driven back and forth between here and his mum's. Younger one is 15 now and going the same way. Massive contrast to my daughter who was barely at home. Was like having another grown adult in the house who still needed everything doing for him. Teens definitely need to learn some independence at that age.

We are starting to get the same with eldest teen DSC. We only see them EOW and half holidays though but they don't want to come for as long in the holidays. Thing is there's more for them to do where we live if they could be bothered to go out etc but they don't want to.

Anyway DH has been trying to overcompensate by minidisneydadding - not full blown yet. We've spoken and he's realised it's not healthy so he's compromising by buying some of the food he knows they like and taking them out once a weekend for a coffee as like a nice routine.

I don't know what will happen when they get a job as I doubt many employers would take someone on who only wants to work EOW.

Aww Op how shit for you, totally normal for teens to want to hang with friends or do their own thing. Not much good advice to offer, but try & ignore the DIsney dadding & keep doing what you're doing with the dsc

Don't resent them for his behaviour. They're being normal teens, you're being normal.
As is usually the case on here, you have a dh problem, but it will pass if you don't pander your him. X

I have two teenagers who I share 50/50 with their dad.
They definitely are not as bothered to go and 90% is laziness. They also are more interested in friends and find it a bind taking stuff they need.
When they do go to their dads he is the same. Meals out, trips away. Etc
It's just one of those things that teenagers do. They are developing their own lives and your husband needs to allow them to crack on. It is nothing personal.

@mommabear2386 I think a previous poster mentioned this (spaceships) but I think there's a name for it which is called failure to launch (have a Google)

I want any humans I create to be able to handle the world and stand on their own two feet because as cute as it is to mollycoddle a child. It's less cute to mollycoddle a adult, and it's not setting them up for the real word.

No advice really other than that and also 🍷 ?

My DSD will probably be a bit like this, she said she wasn't ever gonna learn to drive because we can drive and drive her places she needed so why would she 😵‍💫 I can see the logic but I did point out we would die at some point (and she told me not for many years yet and I had a lot more driving years in me 😵‍💫😵‍💫) love teens 😂😭

I wish my two SS's would start to come less they are 15 and almost 19 and still come EOW tea and stop over once a week and most holidays.
Never go out with friends or talk to them other than online gaming.... I wish they would cancel on us for friends which I know sounds
mean but im at the stage where I don't think they'll ever stop coming until they get married!
Totally get this. By the time exdp & I split he was still travelling every weekend & often during the week to do overnights with a 20, 17 & 15 yo. The dc had no social lives and time with exdp was spent like that with small kids - cinema trips, trips to McDonald's, days out etc. It was bonkers.
I totally got that youngest still needed some special time with dad but the elder two?! They moved as a herd and still do from what I can gather.
Eldest was given a car & exdp told me one of the reasons was that he could then drive himself and his brothers to visit us. Never happened - they wanted daddy to do all the running & bring them for all their weekend treats!

2 of my dc tailed off coming to my house.. Disney df and all the tech a dc could wish for.. They had more siblings here also.
Then they announced they wanted to live here full time.
Been 6 years now!

I think my teenage self would have wanted to come round less if it was all the attention on me, teens like to chill, teens like to be in their rooms, teens don't usually want to be the centre of attention unless it is on their terms.

@Magda72 I totally get why you left him!!

I had to force the issue with 21yo and turn 'his' bedroom into my office. Lots on here told me I should be keeping a bedroom for him until he dies 🙄

Youngest will be up shit creek if he doesn't make his own way in life as we intend to retire abroad in the not too distant future!

@HandbagsnGladrags I know it's totally crazy isn't it? Exdp has a great work ethic and likes same in others - except HIS dc. Mine all had weekend or summer jobs from 16/17 but his? No, because then when would they all hang out together??? It used to make my blood boil - one standard expected of the entire world and another expected of the royal family!

@HandbagsnGladrags I know it's totally crazy isn't it? Exdp has a great work ethic and likes same in others - except HIS dc. Mine all had weekend or summer jobs from 16/17 but his? No, because then when would they all hang out together??? It used to make my blood boil - one standard expected of the entire world and another expected of the royal family!

It's normal. persuade your husband that he doesn't need to take it as hurtful or offensive. encourage his children to go out with their mates and have a good time. as part of growing up this is what his role as a father is supposed to be now at this stage.

Failure to launch is exactly how I would say it. SD 16 is great she goes to town with friends, sleepover, out for walks and to town etc with no issues but the boys are hermits completely.

The only thing they enjoy is hiking but that's only every few months or so. I do worry they'll still be expecting to come for tea regimented each each in their 20s ( nothing wrong with coming over of course but this pattern of contact and the expectation that we still view their coming as contact time whereas now it should be more a as and when you feel like it for the 18 year old definitely. Again he doesn't drive and has interest so expects lifts constantly too which wears thin as he won't get a bus or ride a 20 / 30 min bike ride to our house

It's funny how differently this is received when your kids don't live with you full-time isn't it?

From the age of about 13/14, I think I barely ever saw my parents, even though I lived with them! I was out and about with friends every evening and weekend, only really spent proper time with parents when it was prearranged plans, which were rare. It's so normal for teens to break away like this.

That said, I don't know what you can do to improve it except for reassuring your DP that it's totally normal and, as @candlesandpitchforks says, it actually speaks volumes for the strength of their relationship with him that they feel they can do this. I know this will bother my DP too if it happens, especially as my SCs live far so if they don't come for the weekend there is no way for him to see them during the week.

Are they local enough for him to still see them for a dinner/something during the week if they don't fancy coming for longer? I guess they must be, if they usually do 50/50. I'd try and get him to focus on that, and maybe get him to try and lock them in for an evening spent at yours every Wednesday or something.

I'd rather a DP that makes a fuss over his kids and wants to encourage them to come than one who didn't give a shit that they weren't coming round anymore, what kind of man would that make him. He might not be going about it in the right way but it seems his heart is in the right place.

I have SC, and I also have my own DC who I share 50/50 with their dad. At the moment they are happy with the routine but I know when they want to change it they'll probably choose to spend more time at their dads and that will make me sad. I'll accept it but you can bet your ass I'll try and encourage the grumpy teens to spend some time with me - and if that's taking them to their favourite place for dinner then so be it!

Not a Step Mum, but ExDH is Disney Dadding to all fuck at the moment as our two teens are going far less than usual (there are multiple reasons why, not just the usual teenage rather be out with their mates) but rather than address the issues (too long to go into and don’t want to derail) he is now pulling out all the stops to attempt to coax them into coming over.

Fortunately he’s single so there’s nobody else suffering due to his behaviour!

Ps. To all those struggling with kids not wanting to drive, my ex-BF was like this but his parents just got him lessons for his 17th birthday and they also got him a cheap car - they literally gave him no choice, and once he started learning he loved it.

I'd go down that route....maybe just the lessons, not necessarily the car at first!! It's a life skill and they should learn, especially if they are relying on frequent lifts.

Ah OP. I’m in a similar position too and it’s so frustrating. Two teenage SD are spending much less time here (I get it - I was the same at their age!)
DH takes this very personally - moping about/bad mood but then cranks it up to Super Disney Dad mode as soon as they arrive.
I’ve had to stand firm quite a lot which has led to rows as we have two young children together and he expects their routines and plans to change at the whim of his teenagers. Not happening.
As ever, some wise words on here from
others.
Solidarity. 🍷🍰

Don't exaggerate Handbags - that thread said no such thing.

You wanted his room for an office but were not prepared for your son to have to share with DSS when he did stay over - with a blow up mattress. You felt he should kip on the sofa

In a difficult world of step parenting - why make this worse by telling absolute whoppers.