It's ok leave. You did not fail.

[SnowWhitesSM]

I just wanted to post on this board to say hi, and if anyones struggling, the struggle isn't always worth it, you are allowed to call it a day.

I had so much support from this board and left my husband at the end of last year. It is so nice being just me and my dc again.

No ex drama
No kid drama
No one else's child in my house making up lies about me and my dc.
No more being the automatic bad guy - I remember I once made pancakes and all the toppings for breakfast, asked ss what he wanted on his pancakes and he told me quite rudely he didn't want my pancakes and wanted wheetos instead, he then proceeded to ask ex h for pancakes making out like I hadn't asked him. Ex h automatically assumed I would be so cruel to make pancakes for everyone else but his precious son.
No more feeling like you don't belong in your home.
No more having your life dictated by a not very nice ex.
No more having a husband who feeds into the drama and has not a lot left over for anyone else.
No more seeing a poor little boy stuck in the middle of his warring parents inbtheir quest to be the favourite.
No more having to change things in your house and for your dc to make it fair for an 8yr old (like bedtimes, at first, before I kicked off, ex didnt want his son to stay up as late as my teenager but didn't want to send him to bed at a different time as it would be unfair.
No more worry about my job with the lies his son and ex made up.

6 months later life is great. More then great, I'm loving it. I've got my life back!

I do sometimes get pangs, but then I remember how miserable this situation made me. If you are not happy please leave. Please don't destroy yourself in a shit relationship where you come last to the dc placed in the adult position in a relationship. I watched the Diana film a few weeks ago, I was Diana and his kid was Camilla. No wonder I went crazy.

I beat myself up for a long time, I blamed myself for my feelings. Please don't leave it as long as I did. I made myself so ill over the stress. Life on the other side is amazing!

[SoggyPaper]

Oh. I’m so glad you’re so much happier. It very much sounds like you got yourself out of a horrible situation.

[BettyForgety]

This is really lovely to hear.

[DebussytoaDiscoBeat]

Well done for being strong enough to make the break.

I'm still with my DH but only because, despite all the difficulties we experienced due to him having DC, ultimately he had my back. That's clearly not how it was for you and I'm glad you realised you deserved better

[SnowWhitesSM]

Thank you, it was so hard to leave the relationship and get rid of him. I really beat myself up and tied myself up in knots thinking there was something wrong with me. My ex had me questioning my whole identity. I thought I was a bad person.

If he had had my back and protected me from his drama I would have stayed. He couldn't see it, he turned me into the bad guy and held his son up on a pedestal. So happy I broke free. Now roll on the finalisation of the divorce. I'm having a divorce party 🥳

[candlesandpitchforks]

Ahhh snow. I remember a lot of your posts and how upset you were. Your ex really did a number on you !

So glad to hear your happy and healthier!! It's sad he couldn't see what he lost but it is his loss.

I feel for whoever has to deal with his bullshit next tbh !

[SoggyPaper]

@SnowWhitesSM

Thank you, it was so hard to leave the relationship and get rid of him. I really beat myself up and tied myself up in knots thinking there was something wrong with me. My ex had me questioning my whole identity. I thought I was a bad person.

If he had had my back and protected me from his drama I would have stayed. He couldn't see it, he turned me into the bad guy and held his son up on a pedestal. So happy I broke free. Now roll on the finalisation of the divorce. I'm having a divorce party 🥳

You deserve a brilliant party!

[Weeza1]

This is lovely. Thank you so much for writing this.I’m so pleased you are happy.
Ive recently walked away from a long term relationship with step children and a great deal of your points resonated with me. I have finally had enough.
I have a weekend to myself this weekend; as we are in the process of selling; and I’m loving every moment of my time as it doesn’t happen very often.
I can’t quite believe that I’ve had the courage to walk away, and occasionally doubt myself and then common sense hits and reminds of what life will be like now I’ve left. I’m slowly beginning to realise how unhappy I was.
Your post was just what I needed to hear.
Thank you for sharing your story and your positivity! x

[SoggyPaper]

@Weeza1

This is lovely. Thank you so much for writing this.I’m so pleased you are happy.
Ive recently walked away from a long term relationship with step children and a great deal of your points resonated with me. I have finally had enough.
I have a weekend to myself this weekend; as we are in the process of selling; and I’m loving every moment of my time as it doesn’t happen very often.
I can’t quite believe that I’ve had the courage to walk away, and occasionally doubt myself and then common sense hits and reminds of what life will be like now I’ve left. I’m slowly beginning to realise how unhappy I was.
Your post was just what I needed to hear.
Thank you for sharing your story and your positivity! x

Well done you too. Enjoy your weekend!

[SnowWhitesSM]

Thank you lovelies. I really feel for all the step parents that are currently stuck in the situation I was. From this board, other step parent support places and all the books I read trying to make sense and find a way forward, my story isn't uncommon. The issues a lot of us face are uncanny with how similar the stories are. The only way to be happy is to leave.

@Weeza1 so happy for you. They're not worth the stress. I still feel burnt out by it, but my life is so much happier. Make sure you reach out to all your friends and get out once you've licked your wounds. And dance around in your pants, you can't do that with step kids in the house!

I didn't realise how much my own dc suffered at the expense of me trying to make my marriage work. They're so much happier without his son being over 50% and being treated like a king compared to them. Luckily it was a very shoort marriage and I don't think it's had any lasting impact.

[PeeAche2]

There is no way to be happy if the person you're marrying isn't happy. Too often, kind people find themselves play acting under the false impression that they can make their new husband or partner "happy again". When in fact, all that happens is that the partner's unhappiness wears off on you.
It's contagious and it's all consuming.

Congratulations on leaving and good luck in your new adventures!xxx

[Magda72]

Great update @SnowWhitesSM - am so happy for you. It's not easy leaving so well done you!

[SnowWhitesSM]

My husband was really happy until we got married (we didn't live together before marriage). As soon as the dad guilt came on I was pushed out. Prick.

Thanks @Magda72 you gave me loads of great advice so I could see through the fog.

[SpaceshiptoMars]

@SnowWhitesSM

Glad to hear you're happy now. It sounded utterly crazy making at the time.

[SnowWhitesSM]

I'm so happy! Today I pottered around my garden sorting out new fairy lights and just relaxing in the sun. My dbro took my dc into the city centre as dd had saved up enough money to buy a longboard. They also had food there, bubble teas and played crazy golf. Then in the afternoon me and the dc went to my friends and we did a BBQ together. We then got a costa frappe on the way home and sang along to 1xtra.
I've just got home and got in the bath with some posh bath salts. I've got a new book to start when I get into bed. My life is filled with happy moments again.

Last week I saw my two oldest and best friends for a catch up. I went out for cocktails the weekend before with other friends. I'm so happy. I've got so much more spare money, we went halves on the bills but UC give me a very small amount now, plus my outgoings have dropped significantly without his penchant for waitrose or tesco finest food. I'm back shopping in Lidls and loving it.

It was so hard to let go of the fear of getting divorced and not being a wife anymore. But it's great!

[mizfiesta]

I'm working on getting out now. I can't take it anymore. I feel like the wicked witch of the west..but I can't do this. I came on the site specifically to see if other people have went through this and have caught this post. It helps. I will post my own story when I have a minute. I'm scared I will get shot down, but I think I need to get it off my chest!

[SoggyPaper]

@mizfiesta

I'm working on getting out now. I can't take it anymore. I feel like the wicked witch of the west..but I can't do this. I came on the site specifically to see if other people have went through this and have caught this post. It helps. I will post my own story when I have a minute. I'm scared I will get shot down, but I think I need to get it off my chest!

This thread should be a safe space for you to share your story. It’s obvious that it’s not an appropriate place for intervention by the first wife with axe to grind/former stepchild with axe to grind/no relevant experience or knowledge of stepfamilies but won’t anyone think if the children crowds.

[MintJulia]

Good for you OP. I'm glad you are happy.

I left after three years of vitriol from my ex's two daughters (22 & 25). When I asked him to intervene, ex just shrugged. So I understand the absolute relief. No more flat tyres, no more damaged clothes or contaminated food. The pleasure of being able to relax.

Here's to life being joyful again 🍸

[jytdtysrht]

That's fantastic OP
Enjoy yourself!

[Magda72]

@SnowWhitesSM I recently had (another) long chat with my therapist about exdp. He (exdp) & I chat maybe once every 4 months or so as despite everything the relationship didn't end in acrimony. He has told me a few times that I was right about a lot of things but that he feels it's too late to change anything with his dc. I very much view this from a distance as it's very obvious that things could be changed but that he would now be dealing with almighty strops from adult children & he just won't go there. I can very much see that he will end up entirely alone propping up his kids & grandkids (if there are any) if he's not careful, & will continue working until the day he keels over having had no quality of life. He's not happy and while he has dated a bit he has commented to me (as part of the 'you were right about alot remarks) that no one has wanted to stink around - due to his kids.
In a dispassionate way I feel quite sorry for him as his kids have him so turned upside down he sees no way out.
My Therapist made a interesting observation that in fact he was genuinely happy with me but that our moving in together was a signifier of his previous relationship being over (for his ex & dc) & when it didn't elicit a positive response from his dc it took the good out of it for him; that he wasn't confident enough in his own right to be happy & so he couldn't 'enjoy' the relationship. She actually said this was abusive behaviour on the part of his ex & dc; and that the whole interplay between the lot of them is an environment of toxicity & psychological & financial abuse. This woman is very much of the opinion that the parenting pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. Years ago children were very much at the mercy of their parents/guardians but now we are all so terrified of depriving/upsetting our dc that we are creating generations of entitlement where children see parents as having to be permanently at their disposal doing what they want & not being allowed any lives for themselves.
I think this is especially true for divorced parenting and I can't see where it will end. Non 'intact' families are more & more becoming the norm and yet we seem incapable as a society of instigating any form of supports/tools/roadmaps to normalise this.
The amount of second & subsequent relationships I see breaking up in my age group is phenomenal & in nearly every single one it is because of issues with an ex & younger dc or with adult dc being obnoxious over property/inheritance etc.
I'm not really sure what my point is here (Sunday morning rambling) but I am beginning to think the price I will have to play for being happier that I divorced the father of my dc, is that I will have to content myself with being alone forever as I just cannot envisage ever sharing my life again with a man who has dc - no matter what ages those dc are. It just doesn't seem worth it.

[SoggyPaper]

your therapist sounds excellent @Magda72

he was genuinely happy with me but that our moving in together was a signifier of his previous relationship being over (for his ex & dc) & when it didn't elicit a positive response from his dc it took the good out of it for him; that he wasn't confident enough in his own right to be happy & so he couldn't 'enjoy' the relationship.

I think that many of us have experienced some version of this.

My H and I moving in together, and providing a home and environment that she felt was ‘better’ than she did , caused his ex to behave dreadfully - denying contact and so on. She then shaped the children’s attitudes to it in crucial ways. And he responded with divorced dad FOG.

Everything that should have been positive in our relationship was overshadowed by this toxic first family drama. Moving in together, getting engaged, having a baby, getting married. The children’s behaviour (influenced heavily by their mother) and his response to it (this was the fundamental problem) killed any hope of the relationship thriving.

He was happy. Those children were happy even. Until their mother decided that she didn’t like that they had a nice family life with their dad, rooms of their own, holidays abroad etc (in a large part enabled by me having assets, income and the ability to ‘do family’ well). Rather than improving her own life, she chose to cause trouble in ours, reinforce awful loyalty bonds in her children and make sure that he is not happy and life with dad is less good than life at her house.

we live apart but are still sort of limping along as an entity. mostly because we share a small child. He’s hard work and, while he is sometimes able to reflect that he’s gotten himself into a situation where he’s miserable and doesn’t live with any of his children. But then he switches back to it being the evil SM story.

My home life is easier though. I do everything for our DS, but it’s calm and the drama that accompanies him is minimised. He is miserable and clearly jealous if I buy anything or do anything. He is obsessed with the fact he earns a six figure salary but doesn’t have the lifestyle he thinks he deserves (that’ll be because he married and had two kids with a parasite who got all his assets in their divorce, and then he screwed up our relationship - so now he’s got to run his own house, pay maintenance for 3 children to two women and fit in contact for children from two different families). He does manage to go out and do all sorts of things he enjoys too - but still insists he never does anything for himself.

I do agree with your therapist about attitudes to children and parenting too. You see it all over MN. It’s not healthy. And particularly unhealthy in non-nuclear families.

[SnowWhitesSM]

@mizfiesta get it off your chest, like soggy says the bitter one's won't pick this thread up.

Glad you left @MintJulia

That's very interesting @Magda72and sounds quite like exh. He had no confidence and anything his kid didn't feel happy about would throw his whole sense of self of kilt. I likened him to a willow in the wind when I needed an oak. Was more than happy for me not to be happy though!

[Malariahilaria]

I love this thread, not because I'm a step parent but because there are so many threads on here of people putting up with horrible situations and, despite all the advice given, they are too afraid or too insecure to leave and try and find a happier life. So inspiring to read a story where a someone sad has flown free. Lovely post OP and wishes of a long life of calm and happiness to you!

[Vie8126]

@SnowWhitesSM I'm so glad to see an update from you and to see that you are so happy!!!

[SnowWhitesSM]

@Malariahilaria for the first time in my life I've learnt how to be happy with myself single. It's great, I can eat all the cake as I don't give AF if I put on a few pounds. I never understood people that said they were happy single doing what they want to do when they want to do it, now I do and I love it. I don't need a man to make my life happy. It's such a freeing feeling. There's a man, a really cool man I know trying to chat to me atm, I don't want him, I can't be arsed to talk to anyone bar my friends and new friends. I am not getting drawn back into making myself attractive for a man - personality and physically.

@Vie8126 I sometimes think of you and how unhappy you were at the same time as me. Are you ok? How are things?

[Vie8126]

@SnowWhitesSM eurgh it's so complicated (isn't it always?) briefly after I had ds all contact stopped (the exs doing) it was being left hanging and we were getting messages of she would let us know on the Friday if dsd would be joining us that weekend (this is court ordered contact remember) dp in the end applied for an enforcement. Within 24hrs of the 1st hearing and draft order she refused to accept the meeting point for handovers she had accepted in the hearing. We had dsd briefly in Jan for a few days and it was hell. She wouldn't listen, kept touching the baby, waking him up when asleep, wet herself deliberately, screamed when she didn't get her own way. Dp tried to have a back bone as he he knew I was watching but I was exhausted by it when she went home. She would sneak in the baby's room of a night and claim she had 'forgotten' that she wasn't allowed put toys on him, poke him, turn the lights on etc. I was a wreck when she left. They have a further hearing in 3 weeks now. Dps backed down over contact and put in for only 1 night, no Xmas days etc in a bid to get her to agree. She won't and even if she does she won't stick to it. Without the drama it's been bliss there's been no arguments no your kid my kid crap dp can work weekends with no guilt my dd can do things with her friends at weekends. Your life sounds so lovely and reminiscent of my days with my DC before meeting dp where your time is your own. We've been through the mill and generally had the most awful time of late but I'm just glad we haven't had to battle the toxicity of the ex along with it. However it doesn't fill me with positivity that it is just around the horizon.