It's ok leave. You did not fail.

[SnowWhitesSM]

I just wanted to post on this board to say hi, and if anyones struggling, the struggle isn't always worth it, you are allowed to call it a day.

I had so much support from this board and left my husband at the end of last year. It is so nice being just me and my dc again.

No ex drama
No kid drama
No one else's child in my house making up lies about me and my dc.
No more being the automatic bad guy - I remember I once made pancakes and all the toppings for breakfast, asked ss what he wanted on his pancakes and he told me quite rudely he didn't want my pancakes and wanted wheetos instead, he then proceeded to ask ex h for pancakes making out like I hadn't asked him. Ex h automatically assumed I would be so cruel to make pancakes for everyone else but his precious son.
No more feeling like you don't belong in your home.
No more having your life dictated by a not very nice ex.
No more having a husband who feeds into the drama and has not a lot left over for anyone else.
No more seeing a poor little boy stuck in the middle of his warring parents inbtheir quest to be the favourite.
No more having to change things in your house and for your dc to make it fair for an 8yr old (like bedtimes, at first, before I kicked off, ex didnt want his son to stay up as late as my teenager but didn't want to send him to bed at a different time as it would be unfair.
No more worry about my job with the lies his son and ex made up.

6 months later life is great. More then great, I'm loving it. I've got my life back!

I do sometimes get pangs, but then I remember how miserable this situation made me. If you are not happy please leave. Please don't destroy yourself in a shit relationship where you come last to the dc placed in the adult position in a relationship. I watched the Diana film a few weeks ago, I was Diana and his kid was Camilla. No wonder I went crazy.

I beat myself up for a long time, I blamed myself for my feelings. Please don't leave it as long as I did. I made myself so ill over the stress. Life on the other side is amazing!

So lovely to read how happy you are OP. I think its so important to be aware of your own happiness, and to lean in hard to those previous little everyday moments that make you feel good. They are all the more precious when you have been deprived of them for a while

Also agree with your therapist's view that too many children are allowed to dictate too much in their parents lives. Too many parents are invested in keeping the kids 'happy' (meaning 'quiet') rather than holding in mind what the child actually needs, and focusing on that instead of themselves

I'm glad things are better for the moment @Vie8126 so much better for you and your baby if you're not stressed.

@Lottapianos thank you. It's so nice to be happy. I do miss him/being married but I don't miss the dread every Tuesday about Wednesday, and then Thursday dread for the weekend. I do wonder whether I trained my brain subconsciously to expect a horrible time and then got a horrible time. Every little bug bear was magnified and I think I became so anxious and catastrophic about contact that I made it worse for myself. I took everything personally and felt excluded and so looked for more bad shit. But if my concerns had been heard, if he had been able to listen to me and be kind instead of OTT defensive then it would have been different.

In regards to keeping dc happy, he was definitely one of them. Couldn't say no and upset his son. He even wanted to get timer switches on all the plugs in the bedroom so he didn't have to say no to watching TV ect as the plugs would do it for him. I just couldn't cope with the constant need he had to fulfil his sons every wish and demand. It's so alien from my own parenting - which is beign neglect mixed with concrete boundaries around certain things. I don't have a lot of 'rules' as per say but when I say no my dc know that I mean it. They're not rude, or if they are it's dealt with and I'm quite a fun mum, but I'm a mum and not their best mate.

Argh I've just justified my parenting again! That isn't something I miss in the slightest 🤣

**etc not ect

@SnowWhitesSM the difference in parenting is so hard having someone scared to say no and deal with the consequences appropriately. My children used to look like 🙄 what is going on!! Having ds I'll be on dp like anything as there is no way he is picking up such behaviours. I parent a lot like you no means no, you have to help out and pull your weight and you get benefits for doing so my children and I worked as a team really with me obviously being the team leader lol. I asked dsd to help my dd dry up (she's 6) so only the little things like forks, spoons, little side plates etc she screamed told me no, stamped her feet and threw herself on the floor. Dp came runnibg down thinking I had whacked her I think said I've asked her to help dd dry up so they can have ice cream he was cuddling her what's a matter baby you don't have to do it. I wanted to vomit. She got the ice cream without doing it. My dd wouldn't have had anything for that behaviour.

But back to you, your happiness comes glowing over in your posts and your life sounds amazing. The anxiety is one of the most stressful things just think you'll never ever have that again!!! I'd be celebrating on them days 🥂 to renforce the happiness you have there are no days to dread anymore!!!

Aw Vie don't be daft, I want to hear your stories too 💐they sound so similar to my own I could be the one writing it. I am so glad to be free of the constant underlying assumption that I am an evil wicked step mother and always having to prove my innocence to exh. So glad! I hope you manage to keep your sanity if/when contact resumes for you.

One thing that has made me so very happier is my friends. I have two friends that I voice note every day. They're also both single. We send each other pics of our dinners and chat random shit throughout the day. I have another friend who I chat to a couple of times a week and see at least once a week. I see my other friends regularly too. Then I have other friends who I've booked things up with. There's also a camping holiday booked with 5 of us and our dc going on in August. Another mate has a camper van and we're off for a few days in that in july. I just have so many lovely friends around me that make my life so happy.

Make sure you get your friends close to you vie. Keep them close. It's so easy to let go of them when you're in a relationship but you need people in real life to tell you you're not going mad.

@SnowWhitesSM the most evil thing is I hope it doesn't resume. Now that is wicked sm territory but I think the behaviour dad's exhibit is bad for the whole families mental health Inc dsd as her mother pumps her full of evil anyway so she's better off not having that not being torn in two by her mother. For example we recently had a late 2nd trimester miscarriage, dp has done nothing but tell me he needs his daughter he needs to hold her etc funny enough the court date came through for 2 weeks time in the space of 3 days he asked me 6 times if I would attend also. I was induced with our own daughter on Wednesday last week I literally do not have the mental capacity to deal with his drama or the ex but that got twisted to he would be in the wrong if he didn't ask me because he can't win when it comes to dsd. It is exhausting the way life always ends up revolving around the step child and the ex.

Oh I voice my bestest friend every day she knows the drama inside out and my feelings. It's very therapeutic!! She keeps me sane and is also my measure of the 'am I wrong with this one' stick!!

No it's not wicked at all. I feel desperately sorry for those dc pulled in two and often think the kindest thing the other parent could do in those situations is step back and wait until the dc is older. Get a bank account and put those court fees in there, put the birthday and Christmas money in. Write a letter every year and wait until the child comes looking. Most of the deeply troubled YP I work with have had warring parents fighting over them and fighting over being the better parent. Yes it's not fair, but life isn't fair. Sometimes it's deeply selfish to keep forcing your child into these situations and to be dragged through the court process which in turn leads to more parental alienation abuse from the resident parent. But some nrp can't see that, I don't blame them for it but the mindset of I will do anything to see my dc, even at their detriment, isn't a good one imo.

Hope you're feeling ok Vie, yet again it's turned round to his dd when you need real support and to be a team 🙄

@SnowWhitesSM yes I agree it's more troubling to keep fighting parental alienation is not only very real but really very hard to prove. I also find the court system very screwed tbh, mum can pretty much do what she likes with little to no consequences child arrangement orders in my experience are not worth the paper they are written on. By all means keep taking her back to court but to me you may as well throw the money out the window as there are no consequences and ultimately if mum decides to dick around over contact and poison her child with bullshit she does and will. Courts need to crack down more on this behaviour. Bank account is a cracking idea and letters etc. Dp was told to send letters and cards to mums address to keep contact open but do cafcass really believe that these mothers will give them to their children?!

I used to wave my kids off to their dad's with a huge smile and enjoy every single second of alone time (I still do in all honesty!) I most definitely needed that every other Weekend after a tough two weeks single parenting I am not sure why anyone wouldn't tbh!

Thanks snow, I'll be OK you know us sms have to weather the shit of all kinds of storms xxx

SnowWhitesSM this is so refreshing to read. I am not married to my OH but we have been together 10 years and bought a house together last year. It has been an awful year with his Disney parenting, entitled kids (18&16), a reception room kept as a bedroom for one of them (they're here about once a month, if that) we're having to have an office built in the garden because we can't possibly use that room as a home office. I'm sick of it and just want it to be me and my 2dc (17&13) but I'm only 1 year into a 5 year fixed deal and I can't afford to leave unless we sell, as my equity from my previous house is tied up in this one. I want my old life back 😔

NC for this.
I confess to being THAT step kid 30+ years ago.
I can look back now and see how awful I was, how terrible it was for my mum & step father.
Sadly there were mitigating circumstances that they weren't aware of (and actually never knew) but I don't think that excuses all the behaviour.
I was a twat.
Im am amazed, and grateful, he stuck by my mum.
I did apologise when I reached maturity. I had moved out by then (very young) .
I can completely understand why people choose not to stay in similar situations.
Based in my own behaviour I have never dated a man who has kids under 18. Im aware adult kids can be an issue too, but as I've completely given up on men it won't be an issue going forward 🤣

I think we all know that kids can be arseholes. And can reflect that we were ourselves arseholes as teenagers. It is developmentally appropriate in various ways.

The thing with step-parenting is often the kids being awful (even when their behaviour objectively IS awful), it’s that too often the behaviour is created, and reinforced by their parents. The one you don’t live with and, even more damagingly, the one you do. Always being made into the convenient scapegoat, being expected to put up with ridiculous situations (because ‘they’re my kids’) brought about by lazy, fear and guilt-driven parenting is awful to live with.

I think that good relationships can withstand even appalling SC behaviour, so long as it feels you are on the same side. It’s when the parent sides with the child (or some imagined slight on behalf of the child) against the SC that it just cannot survive. Sometimes that’s the appropriate thing to do. But often it’s unfair and unreasonable.

take the example given by @user50and… There you’ve got a woman who has to live in a house where a room has to be treated as a shrine to a young adult or near adult who comes to stay in it once a month at most. Meanwhile, there isn’t enough space in the house and they’re having to build a garden office so that she can actually work. But somehow she’s unreasonable for thinking that the reception room could be multipurpose. That’s unacceptable to Disney dad who probably has failed to process the reality of NR parenting or that his kids are growing up. So he’s using the big empty room as if it’s evidence that his child lives with him.

it’s like being gaslit over an over again.

@GodIwasawful I was a nightmare too. Thought I'd be an amazing step mum having had two shit step mums 😂the sc behaviour didn't really bother me. I work with absolutely traumatised teens in social care. This kid could not have phased me behaviour wise. I'm qualified up to the hilt in youth work and social work. Years of experience, first class degree, post grad stuff. It was my ex always assuming I was the bad guy and the feeling of him never having my back. My feelings of abandonment by my exh was what set me off. I couldn't cope with the kid or the ex then. I felt so alone and abandoned. It took me back to my own childhood and I see now the patterns that were being played out. If our relationship had been rock solid I'd still be there and the behaviour wouldn't have made me miserable as I wouldn't be made to feel like I was the evil witch in the house.

@user50and can you get out and rent the house out for the next 4 years. Do it if you can. You deserve happiness.

@Vie8126 I love the feeling of my dc going off eow. They don't really go anymore, dd works PT, ds friends are too important, the set in stone contact is fading out naturally and they see their dad for meals and grown up teenage almost adult days out. It's nice for them and natural. Unlike the rigid court ordered bullshit. They're not made to feel bad. Just welcome. I really hope you manage to find real happiness in your relationship and your dp sorts his shit.

This is interesting. I am sort of on the other side

my ex-husband and dad of my DC is moving out of the house he lives in with his girlfriend of 7 yrs. they both have 2 children each. And co-parent 50/50. My ex and me, and his gf and her ex.

i wonder if some of the reasons are the same as you guys? They don’t seem to be splitting up, but obviously it’s not working all living together. Bit of a crazy busy house possibly.

so it’s handy for me to to read your experiences. I’m hardly going to probe him for the reasons they are deciding to live separately. Hopefully things will be calmer going forward then.

@SnowWhitesSM same here my oldest is 21 and lives solo and barely makes time for me or dad. 17 year old ds spends majority of time with dad now which I welcome as I then don't get the late night party collections! 13 year old dd is starting to find her own social life way more important than her dad lol but I do relish the weekends she goes and I don't have teen girl drama and chauffeuring LOL it helps she has a stepsister at dad's the same age and they have some mutual friends despite different schools. Tbh I never had that rigid order to stick by if my ex was busy, couldn't have them I'd flex my plans and vice versa. We always communicated well and even attended school events together (parents eves etc) I didn't want the drama or need it he lived his life I lived mine. We have to sit in a room one day when our kids get married and I never ever wanted them to be like eurgh if I have mum I can't have dad. That will be the case with dps dd though and I think that's terribly sad for everyone but mostly the child.

You sound well shot of the drama and hassle tbh, @SnowWhitesSM . And you sound like you were a decent stepmother- mine was an absolute cunt and I hope she roasts in hell. She certainly deserves to.

Exactly vie. And we need to stop justifying our parenting and dc. Just thank fuck we aren't them and we haven't messed our dc up like they have.

Cheers @NellesVilla most of us try our best, lots of us are also step dc and went into it with the very best intentions.

Such a refreshing thread.
Well done OP, your happiness shines.

I've not left, but as I still had my own flat, I confess to retreating a lot. My step kids are adults. (All in their 30's) and it NEVER ends.

I very much love my dh but it's still happening & now Its Disney grand dad too. I'm exhausted.

You know what upsets me the most. The leaving the room & very firmly closing the door when one of his kids phones or face times. On the phone for ages.
My adult dsd has changed greatly & I do adore her actually but there has been ups & downs. It's more dh tbh
He just can't see past them & allows them to walk all over him & me & jumps for joy if they look his way.
I'm sick of it all. Just sick of it.

Disney grand dadding sounds awful!

I would feel so alone with the door slamming. All I wanted was to include and be included when I was a step mum. They just don't (dhs inc) see you as real family.

I had a bit of a breakthrough in my counselling session today. I grew up as the scapegoat and my sister the golden child in a deeply dysfunctional family dynamic. My ACE score is huge. My exh treated me like my mum did, I had already recognised that. But I was in the position of scapegoat and ss in position of golden child. So my dysregulation and feelings of abandonment were magnified as I was literally living out my childhood all over again. That's why I stayed so long and had so many issues trying to leave him and getting back. I was back being the scapegoat vying for attention and love, like a child. Being rejected like I was as a child in favour of my sister, who incidentally had similar behaviour traits to dss. Absolutely mind blowing.

Have planned a lovely weekend. Going open water swimming inna quarry on Saturday morning! See if some cold water therapy will help keep my happiness up, lunch planned with a different friend after and taking dc to the cinema sunday. That's the trick if anyones thinking of leaving. Plan your weekends, plan your eveningsz be proactive. You can really find happiness without the toxic mess of step parenting.

I’m glad you’re finding counselling so helpful. it sounds such an unhealthy situation si it’s great you are out of it now.

your weekend sounds great. That’s a good tip. Fill your life up with things that bring you joy. that way you can’t start looking at the past in a rise tinted way and imagining you made a bit fuss about nothing.

Disney grandadding. 😱 I mean grandparents are somewhat indulgent anyway, so the Disney version would be truly horrific.