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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step- parents- do you all have a poor opinion of your dp/dh's ex?

33 replies

pinguthepenguin · 10/01/2008 22:40

Ok, I'm just curious. In no way am I wishing to judge,offend etc. For the record,I've followed loads of threads on here and there are some woman who deserve a medal.

I think that when we are with our new parteners, and they discuss the breakdown of their previous their relationship we naturally take their side of the story to be the most truthful. I guess it would be odd if we didn't.......But are there any step parents out there that think their dh/dp's ex and mother of their children is actually a really nice person? Are there any of you who aren't dealing with an obstructive, greedy scorned ex wife, who makes your lives difficult?

And what I'd really like to ask is: have you ever been led to believe that the ex was 'a bitch'- only to realise that actually, she is perfectly sane and reasonable person, and in fact it may be your dp/dh that has/had the problem?

Would appreciate your input.

OP posts:

nzshar · 11/01/2008 00:06

In the 7 years I have been with dp his ex and me have had our ups and downs
They had split 6 years previous to dp and me getting together so perhaps that helped. In the first few years it took a lot of compromise on both sides, I'm sure that on her behalf her distrust in me to be actually sticking around longterm and me not having any parenting skills were the initial problems. There are very different parenting styles in each household but each respects the right to parent the way they do and dss knows and deals with this well. We get along just fine now and even spent part of christmas day together.

mistressmiggins · 11/01/2008 17:15

my DP's ex is fine - even invited me & my 2 DCs in for a cup of coffee last wekend when we dropped off her DD.
I have no real idea why she left my DP and I sometimes dread there is some dark secret lurking as he is so nice

I get on ok(ish) with my ex. The one we have problems with is his GF who incidently was the OW and why I kicked him out.
She was verbally abusive on the phone to me over Xmas when I rang to speak to MY DCs. I have no idea why she has so much venom towards me.
Im not allowed to phone the house when my DCs go to stay at ex's - I have to phone him on his mobile.

It should be me who feels venom towards her for knowingly having an affair with my husband when she knew he had two young children BUT I have finally found peace & realised feeling angry with them hurts noone but me.

Cant believe my ex slags me off to her so maybe thats why she hates me so much!

Marne · 11/01/2008 17:21

I get along with dh's ex but deep down i hate her guts for the following reasons;

She's a rubish mother

She feed's the kids crap which has led to dsd being over weight.

She puts her pets before the kids

She has one of those face's that you want to puntch.

She leeves the kids on their own (age 11 and 8)

She speeks nicely to me even though she does'nt like me.

Anyway i could go on, but for the kids sakes we try and all get along by being nice to each other.

mummynumber2 · 11/01/2008 17:41

I think it's actually the opposit in my situation. I used to have a high opinion of my DP's ex and my DP was very restrained about what he told me about their relationship/ break-up. She was (and actually still is) always very pleasant to me when we met and I thought that as the kids were so lovely, lots of that must be down to her.
Although outwardly we now still get on well (we only ever have any dealings with each other when my DSC are there) I have grown to despise her. Mainly because her selfish actions have hurt my DP and DSC so much.

littlerach · 11/01/2008 17:57

At first, dh's ex was very rude and threatening towards me.
DH hasn't really given me a bad view of her, it wa smore that she was so awful at times that I oculdn't help but not like her.

In the last couple fo years, however, she has softened a lot, and rather than bawling dh or I out, she speaks to us and listens in return.

It is now at the stage when I iwll invite her in and mean it if she drops the children here, and will chat to her on the phone.

What really affected my thoughts on her originally was how terrible she was ot dh when i first met him. They had been seperated for over 6 months, and she would scream and shout after him when he picke dthe children up, and phone all the itme to shout down the phone at him, even called his parents to tell them what she htought about things. I think that if she hadn't been like that, I amy have had a higher opinionm of her. She did apologise a couple of years ago whciuh was nice.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 11/01/2008 18:05

thanks for thoughts, very interesting. Keep them coming!

Anyone got a situation where they were led to believe the ex was a shit, and have since found that not to be true?

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 11/01/2008 18:06

no, mine really is a shit!

wotz · 11/01/2008 18:11

Not really discussed, I think you can sense how much hurt, sadness is caused. There is no room for hate with step children around, its still their parent.

mummynumber2 · 11/01/2008 18:12

Just intrigued as to why you want to know pingu.

beansprout · 11/01/2008 18:13

I am fairly indifferent to dh's ex. She and I are incredibly different (I work, she never has; I don't happen to think crystals are the answer to mental illness, she does... I could go on). But in terms of what happened in their relationship, it was all a long time ago (they were together for about 4 years and split up 17 years ago) so I'm sure it was six of one, half a dozen of the other.

It's not necessary, or even appropriate for us to be friends but we are perfectly nice to each other and if the 3 of us (inc dh) are around each other, we are the ones who tend to do all the chatting.

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 11/01/2008 19:23

I'm curious because exp has recently left me and newborn for ow. I'm pretty sure she has been led to believe I'm unpleasant, and whilst I shouldn't care- I do, for my DD's sake, incase it was ever relayed to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinguthepenguin · 12/01/2008 13:53

anyone?

OP posts:

Frizbe · 12/01/2008 14:00

I get on ok with dh's ex wife, it helps that they've both been civilwith each other for ss's sake and that after we first met, along with me meeting her mother at the same time, they realised I wasn't out to take her son off her or anything of the like (he was 4 at the time and they'd been split for ages)
I may not agree with all of her parenting methods, but she probably doesn't agree with some of mine! but it doesn't mean we don't get on ok! we do cups of tea and the like we even have some friends in common! (although we live 60 miles apart!)

ZippiBabes · 12/01/2008 14:01

pingu i've read a few of your threads and i can see that you have horrible time and are really hurt

but i wonder if thinking about this stuff is doing you more harm than good

i'm not sure what you want to hear but maybe you have to try and think abouit some different things instead of getting your self down byt thinking about this kind of thing

mummynumber2 · 12/01/2008 17:26

I'm sure the ow (and certainly your DD) will be able to see through anything bad that your ex sais about you pingu. After all, he's the one who left his partner with a newborn.

Lulah · 17/01/2008 20:45

My man told me his ex was a good person and a fantastic mum?
He said she was lured by the man she had an affair with and left him for?
I kept an open mind and had no real problems with her until two years ago. We ve beeen together for 6 years now.
In january 2005 she had a baby with her new man and on in July 2005 she told us the kids were coming to live with us. 40 miles re home, new schools to find and i had 3 children already in a small house. her two was quite upset but did want to come as they didnt like the new man.
since then she hardly sees them but rings twice a week
sorry she is a crap mum in my view!!!!!!!!
Apart from that I am not interested in any part of her of life what so ever all the kids are happy here but her daughter does miss her and waits for her calls and visits.
unfortunately the ex now plans to emigrate and is abroad for the next6 months.

Emprexia · 27/01/2008 00:24

I used to like my Dh's ex.. but over the last few years she's shown herself out to be a horrible, meanspirited, selfish cow.

Shes the one who broke their marriage up and even though she left him, he's always made an effort to keep in touch with his daughter.

She makes it so hard and DH hardly ever recieves any cards from his daughter on christmas, fathers day or his birthday, and she can never get DH off the phone quick enough... honestly, the way she carries on you'd have thought he was the one who'd had the affair.

she never sends DSD to us with everything she needs, usually minus her coat when its freezing, and even though i ALWAYS make the effort to send presents to her two other children so they don't feel left out at xmas when DSD opens all her gifts from my family, she has never once sent anything for my son.

wb · 27/01/2008 14:52

My dad left his first wife with a young child (my sis). Some years later he met my mum, married her and (eventually) had me and my bro.

Initially things were v. tense b/w my mum and my dad's ex - 40 years on they are the best of friends. My sister's mum (the ex) is quite frankly amazed that anybody could put up with my dad for so long and my mum wistfully refers to her as 'the one that got away'

The fact that my dad is, in many ways, a complete pillock as a husband has been a strengthening bond b/w them.

NKF · 27/01/2008 14:55

I think a friend of mine was probably depicted as a cow by her husband to his new wife.

She doesn't care though. she was just so relieved to have him taken off her hands.

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 14:59

I've never been led to think anything in particular of my partner's ex. He doesn't value judge her (and would certainly never lead anyone to think she's a bitch).

However, having been with my partner for quite some time now, and having regularly been confronted with his ex-wife's behaviour (demands for extra childcare, imposition of her professional agenda or her new partner's agenda on all of our lives, neglect of her children, generally unscrupulous means of getting her own way) I have my own opinion of her. And I certainly don't think it was my partner who was the difficult/obstructive person in that relationship as he is super reasonable and easy to live with.

NKF · 27/01/2008 16:02

Do you tell him your opinion of her?

Anna8888 · 27/01/2008 16:15

I tell him when, and why, I think her behaviour is unacceptable when it negatively affects us and the children and I discuss tactics with him to defend us/the children from the impact on our lives of that behaviour.

VictorianSqualor · 27/01/2008 16:33

I think my ex's gf was quite surprised when we met, I had ended the relationship with him and they got together not long later, she came to my house a few times with him to get the DC's and I was obviously not what she was expecting, I knew from friends he had told her I was a 'bitch'. Her jaw nearly hit the floor when I introduced myself to her and invited her in.
I thought she was nice girl as well, pity they didnt stay together, I'd imagine she found out the truth about him herself.

ManxMum · 27/01/2008 17:05

NKF - I can see an opportunity for a new range of greetings cards, the 'Thank you for taking him/her off my hands' range.

or the

'Thank you for letting me have him/her'

Do you think they would catch on?

NKF · 27/01/2008 17:07

Absolutely.
Some nice embossed writing, a little verse wishing the new couple well.

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