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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Stepson causing problems with relationship

28 replies

Dolly3092 · 24/04/2022 20:37

Hello Mums

So I find myself coming to this platform to share a problem that I have been experiencing for quite some time now in the hope that someone has dealt with a similar issue and can help or give advice or something, I don't really know what I'm after tbh I just needed to rant!

So I live with my partner, I have a daughter from a previous relationship, my partner has 2 children from a previous relationship and I am currently pregnant with our first child together, myself and my partner get on so so well, however, for a while now, my partners sons behaviour and attitude towards me is just awful. He's honestly so horrible towards me, and my partner does see it and tells him off but also let's him get away with things because it's upsetting for my partner to see the way he is with me as he didn't bring him up to be like that. It's now got to the point where I am constantly upset and questioning how on earth this relationship is going to work when we are constantly arguing over my stepson.

I guess what I'm hoping for from this thread is, has anyone else been through a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome?

Really hoping to hear from someone

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 24/04/2022 20:38

How old is your stepson?

godmum56 · 24/04/2022 20:39

You don't say how old the children are?

SoggyPaper · 24/04/2022 20:39

And what is the behaviour?

What is his father doing about it? Is he consistent with it?

MartinMartinMarti · 24/04/2022 20:41

do you see the contradiction here?

my partner let's him get away with things because it's upsetting for my partner to see the way he is with me as he didn't bring him up to be like that.

SoggyPaper · 24/04/2022 20:41

Also, how long has it been a problem and is there anything that you can think of that might have precipated it? For example, was he ok til he knew about the pregnancy?

LittleEsme · 24/04/2022 20:41

Lots of things going on in this dynamic OP. We need more info to be able to help:
Age, how often he sees his Dad etc. Do these children have a room at your home...

Its a minefield for all involved. Hope you're ok.

NurseBernard · 24/04/2022 20:43

because it's upsetting for my partner to see the way he is with me as he didn't bring him up to be like that

Like what?

Upset / affected / impacted by the significant changes in his life that he has no control over?

JoeGoldberg · 24/04/2022 20:49

How old is your stepson?
How long have you been with your partner?
Has his behaviour worsened since he discovered you're having a baby?

It can be difficult for kids to process the addition of any sibling, but one that will have his dad 100% of the time whereas he only gets him a tiny percentage in comparison is a huge thing to come to terms with.

Original poster
Dolly3092 · 24/04/2022 21:29

Okay, my stepson is 8, 9 in June. He lives with myself and my partner (his Dad) and has never known his biological Mum. So he will always raise his voice and shout and scream at me when I ask him to do something like tidy his toys away or eat his dinner etc, yet doesn't react this way to anybody else telling him to do something, also if I ask him to do something he will just stand there and stare at me until his Dad has to then tell him to do as he's told, anytime I'm near him he claims I have hurt him, for example I was putting his school tie on for him and he straight away shouted 'ouch' and then ran to his Dad and told his Dad I had hurt him. I have heard him in his bedroom before when he thought I couldn't hear him, telling his sister and step sister that he's going to 'tell Daddy that she's hurt me so Daddy tells her off'

This has been going on a lot longer than I have been pregnant. I have been with my partner for 5 years and this has been going on for the past 1 1/2 - 2 years

OP posts:
SoggyPaper · 24/04/2022 21:33

Does his father scapegoat you and tell you off (and in front of him)?

what does he do when his son has screamed at you or ignored you?

what does he do about his son lying about being hurt?

Im going to hazard a guess that this is actually a DP problem. It usually is.

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 06:38

Any other people with a significant involvement in your stepson's life? Does another relative/childminder park him in front of Disney films on loop? Some other childrens' program about an evil stepmother?

Does the bad behaviour coincide with learning sad stuff about his Mum?

candlesandpitchforks · 25/04/2022 07:33

When SP come on here with these types of behaviours it's usually a child that's about 8.

Even on parenting board 8 seems to be the challenging age.

What does dad say when he says you have hurt him. Might be worth getting dad and you (with dad talking) saying that telling these types of tales is bad and he will be punished accordingly. Unfortunately these lies can cause massive issues if heard at school...

Careful op and I'm sorry this is happening xxxx

AchillesPoirot · 25/04/2022 07:44

Sorry but you have a DH problem.

ChoiceMummy · 25/04/2022 07:51

candlesandpitchforks · 25/04/2022 07:33

When SP come on here with these types of behaviours it's usually a child that's about 8.

Even on parenting board 8 seems to be the challenging age.

What does dad say when he says you have hurt him. Might be worth getting dad and you (with dad talking) saying that telling these types of tales is bad and he will be punished accordingly. Unfortunately these lies can cause massive issues if heard at school...

Careful op and I'm sorry this is happening xxxx

My child is 7 nearly 8,but is ott with the whole "it hurts" when you wash their hair, brush their hair etc. Really ott. But I've assumed it's linked to their asd.

I do think that the she is hard as they're moving into new territory again, when they're no longer a young child, but also not yet independent and autonomous enough as they feel they should be.

@Dolly3092
I think that given the child lives with you all. I'd be suggesting that their is some sort of behaviour chart. I don't usually suggest negative ones, but you could try a positive reinforcement, he then earns something. Or is could be one that you both as parents give positive and negatives. If in negative at end of the day then their needs to be some sort of accountability. Some consequence. But this needs your oh to be on board for this to work and be presented and reinforced by him.
If oh won't get on board then he needs to acknowledge that he's effectively signing the end of the relationship.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/04/2022 07:59

It seems to me that you need some family therapy-individually and as a family. Your DH needs to be on board and you need to be a team. You do have a DH problem and if he doesn’t start stepping up and supporting you then there is only one way this will end. Clear communication: clear boundaries; clear natural consequences that always happen. Consistency is key.

FrankensteinsWeeny · 25/04/2022 08:21

Your husband is the one who needs to deal with this. Especially if you're going to be parenting a child together shortly. It will not work having a situation where all the children live with you 100% of the time but you're all parenting differently / some kids but not others.

He needs to take control of this situation and find out what is going on with his son, arrange therapy for him if necessary and under no circumstances is he to play into this by actually "telling you off" like his son wants or even acknowledging whatsoever that his son is right and you are wrong.

This needs sorting before he tells someone else like school or whatever, that you have actually hurt him! They are dangerous lies and it needs nipping in the bud.

If it ever got to that point I would personally leave. No way would I ever be risking my own children, their happiness and stability, my own sanity or god forbid an intervention from social services because of a lie from your SS, for a step child.

And you don't want your children, your daughter and your baby growing up witnessing you being treated like that either. Especially the baby, who may then mirror that behaviour!

Starseeking · 25/04/2022 08:26

What does your DSS know about his DM, and how the situation came to be that he lives with you? It's unusual for DC not to have their DM as the resident parent.

He could be lashing out at you in particular as you are the "mother figure" in his life, although not his DM, and he's taking it out on you.

As PP said, I'd be looking into family therapy to try and get to the bottom of this behaviour.

BuanoKubiamVej · 25/04/2022 08:38

He is a child. He isn't causing the problems. The adults around him have the responsibility here. He needs firm, consistent parenting, unconditional love, and appropriate boundaries and understanding of unacceptable behaviour standards. If his needs aren't being fulfilled then yes things will go wrong. If your partner is a good dad he will put the needs of his children above his own relationship status so if he can't fulfill his DC's needs whilst also maintaining his relationship with you then you should split so that he can focus on them. Given that this has been going on for longer than you have been pregnant it seems more likely that he's not mature enough to be a good dad in that way which does make me wonder why you are bringing a new child onto the scene too.

candlesandpitchforks · 25/04/2022 10:04

BuanoKubiamVej · 25/04/2022 08:38

He is a child. He isn't causing the problems. The adults around him have the responsibility here. He needs firm, consistent parenting, unconditional love, and appropriate boundaries and understanding of unacceptable behaviour standards. If his needs aren't being fulfilled then yes things will go wrong. If your partner is a good dad he will put the needs of his children above his own relationship status so if he can't fulfill his DC's needs whilst also maintaining his relationship with you then you should split so that he can focus on them. Given that this has been going on for longer than you have been pregnant it seems more likely that he's not mature enough to be a good dad in that way which does make me wonder why you are bringing a new child onto the scene too.

I'm not sure how this has been turned on the OP. Subtle shaming is still shaming 🙄

I would also say that I would look down on any partner I was struggling with DD and he was like right I'm off. Kids are hard, especially ones who may have suffered at best neglect at their mothers hands. OP clearly cares.

This kid has lost his mother and despite her actions DC will still love her even if she wasn't a safe person. I recon this behaviour may actually be DSC feels safe with OP and just needs handling by dad. However I'm not sure why you would think that his dad staying single for the rest of his days would be a benefit for the child.
OP has every right to leave as it's her choice but let's not turn this into his a crap dad unless you leave as OP hasn't caused this problem, it's not linked to the pregnancy.

Chances are though it's linked to the mum and for a mum to lose full access to her children, she's likely to have done something really bad and caused damage to her child.

I think you need to get this child some counselling, give your DP a shake and get on the same page.

SoggyPaper · 25/04/2022 10:34

I’m not sure how it’s been turned into a subtle version of ‘bad SM; of course your husband should disregard you and his youngest child because the SC is the only thing that really matters’ with an added twist of ‘he’s shit; why are you breeding more children with him?’

It’s never helpful.

NewandNotImproved · 25/04/2022 10:40

Has your boyfriend sorted any therapy for the child who has no mother? Life with a traumatised kid will be difficult,what steps has your boyfriend taken to help his child?

candlesandpitchforks · 25/04/2022 10:56

SoggyPaper · 25/04/2022 10:34

I’m not sure how it’s been turned into a subtle version of ‘bad SM; of course your husband should disregard you and his youngest child because the SC is the only thing that really matters’ with an added twist of ‘he’s shit; why are you breeding more children with him?’

It’s never helpful.

Can you imagine if a SM used the term "breeding" in relation to the first family ?

Apparently a completely ok turn of phrase to describe a pregnant SM. Really grim when you think about connotation to animals.

I personally hope anyone that uses that word hasn't "breed" in the past or if they have I feel sorry for their children 🔔ends

SpaceshiptoMars · 25/04/2022 11:58

Chances are though it's linked to the mum and for a mum to lose full access to her children, she's likely to have done something really bad and caused damage to her child.

The child has never known his Mum. So - more likely to be serious mental health/ terminal or degenerative illness/ lifestyle incompatible with motherhood.

AskingforaBaskin · 25/04/2022 14:07

Dolly3092 · 24/04/2022 20:37

Hello Mums

So I find myself coming to this platform to share a problem that I have been experiencing for quite some time now in the hope that someone has dealt with a similar issue and can help or give advice or something, I don't really know what I'm after tbh I just needed to rant!

So I live with my partner, I have a daughter from a previous relationship, my partner has 2 children from a previous relationship and I am currently pregnant with our first child together, myself and my partner get on so so well, however, for a while now, my partners sons behaviour and attitude towards me is just awful. He's honestly so horrible towards me, and my partner does see it and tells him off but also let's him get away with things because it's upsetting for my partner to see the way he is with me as he didn't bring him up to be like that. It's now got to the point where I am constantly upset and questioning how on earth this relationship is going to work when we are constantly arguing over my stepson.

I guess what I'm hoping for from this thread is, has anyone else been through a similar situation and if so, what was the outcome?

Really hoping to hear from someone

How long have you been together and lived together?

Is your home large enough for 4 children? Is he going to have to share etc?

NewandNotImproved · 25/04/2022 14:16

OP said her and the boyfriend have been together for 5 years.