Dp and I being pushed apart by trivial crap

[freezingcold]

OK, have changed my name for this, but am at screaming point.

I live with my dp, we have been together for 8 years and lived together for 5. We live with his ds's 21, and 18, my ds 14, and our dd 18 months old (biiiig gap there!)

This is the problem. I feel the cold really badly, and always have. His 21 year old ds tyrns the heating off all the time, without asking. I am sick of being cold in a house where I pay the sodding bills.

I have come in tonight, after being sat in a school for 21/2 hours with no heating. Picked up dd, gone home....no heating AGAIN. My ds has come in from his paper round freezing cold ( he finds it difficult to wear gloves and fold the papers).Too cold to bath dd as bathroom couldn't warm up in time This has erupted yet again into the mother of all rows.

He has been told time and time again, but nothing EVER changes, and I have just had enough of having no control in my own house. My ds and his other ds always ask if they can turn heating up or down.

I have had 5 years of this, and cannot face another 5 years or whatever. I do feel the cold exceptionally badly, which I accept caould be a problem (although, it never was until we moved in together)

It sounds so trivial, but I fanatasise about coming into a warm house like I always used to.

Dp sulking upstairs... me fuming ( not enough to heat me up though!) downstairs. Am totally pissed off

I also put on jumpers etc,...but it is a cold house. Feel like walking out, am so sick of it

What is the temperature of the house?

We have this problem too - DH likes a cold house, because he has allergies, and I like a hot house, because I have Raynaud's disease.

There is no point arguing about it - one of you has to compromise. It sounds like it should be you. I would make sure that the house is a reasonable temperature with an eletric thermostat (over 16 degrees). Get draughts deal with and get cavity wall insulation (cold walls will make you FEEL cold because your body radiates heat when you are next to them).

Then live with it. People have done so for years. Houses are expensive to heat, and it's no good for the environment.

At the mo the house is 18 and I am sitting wearing:

• woolly hat
• scarf
• 2 vests, shirt and jumper
• tights, 2 pairs socks, knee-length sheepskin slippers

I drink herbal teas regularly - I find ginger helps as does some of that pu'er tea. When I get totally freezing I take beta-blockers from the GP - although this is VERY rare, like a couple of times a year. I eat hot curries - today I had a chilli for lunch. I exercise (fast walks) to keep my circulation going.

When I'm working I put a hot water bottle on my knees or feet. At night I sleep with hot water bottles, pyjamas, socks and a extra thick dressing gown.

Adjust your live and you can live with it - but you need to accept the situation and as long as your house is at a reasonable temperature (i.e. not causing damp) then it is better to keep it cooler.

Why isn't your DP saying anything to him?

Maybe you should suggest to your stepson that it might be time to find himself his own place where he can live in arctic temperatures in peace.

Lastly (a bit drastic but this was done in a house I once rented) can you not get a lockable cover put on your temp control and only you keep the key? The landlord did this to stop a tenant from constantly turning the heat up too high. It's probably not legal or something but worht a try to get your point across perhaps.

I've got a wall-mounted fan heater in the bathroom - it heats up the bathroom from cold in the time it takes to run a bath.

But it shouldn't be the stepson who has the final say, it isn't his house and he doesn't pay the bills.

My advice applies, of course, if this is about the cold.

If it's about not wanting to live with a 21 year old SS, then I don't have any advice.

We can't get cavity wall insulation, it is an old house. Also we have tried to block all the draughts but we can't. We are on top of a very steep hill, and the wind whistles down it.

There is no stable temperature in the house except cold. As soon as I turn it up, it is turned back down again. Not sure why I should compromise when I pay the bills (he pays nothing ATM-student)I wouldn't let my ds do this.

Dp says he has said something, but it never changes. If i suggested dss moved out, dp would go mad.

We have discussed putting a lock on, but I don't know where to start, and dp not got round to it.

Is paying for the heating bills an issue?

If the bills are split & ds is expected to pay his share then I can see his point in wanting to keep the costs down.

why does he need to touch the thermostat anyway? Ours is always at 18/19 & if it goes below that it turns its-self back up again

LOL morningaper . TBH I don't really have any issues with him, apart from this. He's a nice lad. I'm just awful when I'm cold...really moany, and I am so so so sick of it.

We don't need a fan in the bathroom, we have central heating-it's just never on!

sorry x-posts

Dss doesn't pay any bills, he is a student.

Ours could turn itself back up, if it was left on. But it is turned OFF

Why not get some electric thermometers and agree not to let the temperature drop below a certain level? And turn off the radiators in his room, if he likes it cold?? Why does HE say he is disobeying you both?

Why not add a thermostat to his radiator only and if he is hot he can go to hs room where he can adjust his own radiator only? I mean them radiator thermostatic valve things. We are having them as our bedroom gets to hot but lounge to cold IYSWIM.

Ultimately though your house your rules....

He has been told ALL of this.

Turn the radiators off in his room (he doesn't)
He doesn't say anything about disobeying us (can a 21 year old disobey), he just says he's hot and carries on doing whatever he wants, whatever we say, and we have said everything....but nothing ever fucking changes.

God, this is so trivial, but it is really effing me off to the point that I start to really feel angry in the car before I've even set foot in the house....I just don't feel comfortable in my house which I pay for

yah wasn't sure about use of word 'disobey' either

well I would put a lock on the thermostat then - get someone in to do it if your DH won't do it

problem solved for £70 quid

Yes, suspect that will be answer

Am sure I was Morticia in another life...

I don't think it's trivial at all. I think it's about you being comfortable in your own home and someone else (who doesn't pay the bills) not allowing that. It's fucking miserable.

I also don't see why you should compromise, you pay the bills and if he's too hot, he can take a jumper off or go to his own room. He can also open a window which I know is illogical because it's heating the garden, but it's easier to close it and have the room warm again within ten minutes, than not having had the heating on at all.

As the guy is not amenable to reason, you will simply have to do the lock thing.

go into his room and turn is radiator off on a perm basis, with pliers as tight as you can for a start. Does he wander around in his shorts and t-shirt. dh does most of the time but he never complains about it being too hot - meanwhile I have several layers of clothes on!

Yes, he always wears a t-shirt..

Pliers is an interesting idea, it is REALLy cold in there as it is an attic

Thanks for that Littlebella, I was wondering if I had got it out of proprtion, but I do feel uncomfortable all the time. We all have to live with how he likes it, and I'm really not sure how this warped state of affairs came about
He opens all the windows as well usually when he's turned the heating off....

I don't think you are being trivial either. He is being inconsiderate and selfish to your needs. Tell him how you feel. And that if he doesn't stop switching the heating off you will either a)put a lock on the control or b)Remove the radiator from him room. Like everyone says he can always have his own room cold if he wants.

I think I'd have him to the doctors he is beyond even dh's rage of being okay with cold. I would be at war with dh if I were you, I would want to be comfortable in my own house.

So why does he have his bedroom radiator on if he's too hot?

This isn't trivial .... it's about one member of the household being selfish and inconsiderate to everyone else who lives there - and about them being too arrogant to even try discussing the situation, or suggesting any sort of compromise.

The fact he is living there with no bills makes it all the worse. Once you get to adulthood yet are living either rent-free, or at a subsidised rate (compared to the real world), you have to show some respect for that privilege and if that means putting up with habits of the people who are supporting you then so be it. I remember being at home - at about the same age - and feeling very frustrated about various things my parents did differently to me ..... but I didn't complain, and had no right to, as they were helping me out.

It'd seem a lock over the controls is the only way to go ..... but why the heck should you have to resort to that because he's being so selfish ?!

I'd be more inclined to tell him that if he can't behave considerately and ask before doing this, then perhaps he'd like to find somewhere else where people don't mind that his way and his way only goes (unlikely I'd imagine). That's hardly unreasonable, or unwelcoming, just normal life.

I used to have the same thing with the husband, I hate the house being to hot mainly cos I suffer from eczema & so do 2 of the children and when the house is too hot it sends our skin crazy.

we compromised by having the heating at a certain level and if I am still hot we have fans around the house that can be turned on and to be held on static so it can just cool down who ever is hot.

but yes overall I agree he should be more considerate to other peoples needs within the house not just his own.

How inconsiderate!

How awful for your other kids as well, to be subject to his whims. How does your 18 month old cope?

Get the lock put on the thermostat and while you're waiting for it to be fitted, buy a space heater or something that'll warm you/ds up really quickly when you come into a cold house.

It's really not on.

I feel angry just reading your post! I like my house to be comfortable as does everyone and so the idea of someone who shares that house putting everyone in the cold makes me feel very angry. What is his response when you ask him not to do this? Does he have no empathy with the rest of the family and their needs. I would be frustrated with DH too if he didn't help set boundries. As a non bill paying person in the house he should not be changing the heating settings without permission. It's just plain rude!