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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing my name post-marriage

43 replies

newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 09:59

Not sure if it needs saying but I've namechanged for this one.

I have a 4 year old stepson who doesn't know a life without me as I've been with his dad for 3.5 years. I have a good relationship with his mother, we get on very well, and we have hardly any conflict. I wouldn't say we're friends though, most communication goes via my SO and is generally purely practical. We don't do joint birthdays or anything similar.

Sometimes she deals with some jealousy because my stepson is very attached to me as I've been a mother figure in his life pretty much since birth, but we communicate and work through it which takes compromising from both sides. We have 50/50 custody.

Now the one thing that is causing a pretty big issue is that I am getting married next month, and was planning on changing my surname after marriage. My stepson's surname is double-barrelled as she and my SO were never married. She sent me a message saying she has been trying to work through it, but she can't accept the fact that I will have the same surname as her son. Because of how attached he is to me, when I am out with him and my SO, people will always assume he is my son, and having the same surname as him means that we will be 'erasing her'.

I get (to an extent) where she is coming from, but I wouldn't even have the same surname as him exactly, as obviously I won't be double-barrelling my name to hers haha. I don't know how to navigate this, as I don't want to upset her, our sour the excellent relationship that we have, but it's also just important for me to change my name to my husband's.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Or any ideas on what I can say to her? Or should I just pick my battles and not change my name until she's had time to come to terms??

OP posts:
HandbagsnGladrags · 19/04/2022 10:04

I'm sorry but she's being ridiculous. I have the same surname as my stepsons and no one has ever assumed that they're my kids, nor did their mum ever question my right to change my surname when I married her ex husband. She needs to get a grip.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 10:05

What does she want you to do about it? It isn't her decision and this shouldn't be a deciding factor for you on whether you change your name or not.

NoKandoo · 19/04/2022 10:05

You are clearly being sensitive to her feelings, which is nice - but why does she even need to know what your surname is? It makes it a bit tricky as you have already mentioned to her, but I'd just say you haven't decided yet, and then quietly do it. I'd in fact probably make a joke of it and say I'm planning to change my surname to Clooney or the surname of some famous man that people fancy nowadays.

copypaste · 19/04/2022 10:06

How bizarre, I tried imagining myself ij that situation, i (sort of) get it, but I mean what's the alternative, her also changing her surname to match? Haha that has Jeremy kyle written all over it.

Essentially she needs to just deal with it, it's completely normal what you are doing. Plus the child's name is double barrelled, not all his so she is being slightly unreasonable.

I would just tell her you are sympathetic, but it doesnt change the fact that she is his mum. This name change is between you and your husband really, not the child.

Original poster
newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 10:06

I know that she doesn't have a say in it, but I've worked very hard to manufacture this relationship with her for the sake of my stepson. I've heard so many horror stories about what stepparenting can be like if you don't get on with the biomum, and I'm terrified of this happening.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 19/04/2022 10:09

You could suggest your DP changes his name to yours?

Original poster
newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 10:10

@PearPickingPorky

You could suggest your DP changes his name to yours?
Thank you for the suggestion but that's not an option for him!
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 10:13

@newmarriedname

I know that she doesn't have a say in it, but I've worked very hard to manufacture this relationship with her for the sake of my stepson. I've heard so many horror stories about what stepparenting can be like if you don't get on with the biomum, and I'm terrified of this happening.
You won't have a good relationship with her if you're making major decisions like this just to appease her out of fear, it's a slippery slope that can get much worse. She doesn't have any right to expect this and you shouldn't make her feel she has.
HandbagsnGladrags · 19/04/2022 10:16

What @aSofaNearYou said. You are letting her dictate how you run your life already. You can't carry on walking on eggshells in case you upset her.

Original poster
newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 10:18

That's a good point. I've always felt like the compromises went both ways but I see that maybe I'm tiptoeing a bit too much.

OP posts:
BuanoKubiamVej · 19/04/2022 10:19

She has absolutely no rights to dictate what name anyone else uses. It's simply none of her business. You use whatever surname you like and do not engage with her on the topic. You seem to have too much expectation of friendship with her. It would be healthier for all concerned if communication was just about the practicalities of sharing the child's time between the households and providing for the child's needs and simply don't discuss anything that isn't relevant to that.

You could, if you wish, consider going double-barrelled yourself with your SO's surname and your own maiden name so that there's a bit more of an obvious difference, but it's really not necessary and you are fine to just use his surname if that is your preference.

She's being batshit anyway. Whenever someone actually needs to know that you are the child's stepmother rather than mother then you'd tell them obviously. If they don't need to know then they aren't going to be making any assumptions on the basis of surnames anyway. I am struggling to think of any scenario which is formal enough that a person would need to see the child's and adult caregiver's full names written down and where it would matter whether you were mother or stepmother in any meaningful way, where the details of your actual surname was significant. Any kind of forms I have filled in with my name and my children's names have always had a box where I have to stare my relationship to the child - obviously you would write stepmother there.

PearPickingPorky · 19/04/2022 10:19

Thank you for the suggestion but that's not an option for him!

Then how about you and he both double-barrelling your names, that would mean DS's name indicates that there is another parent there who is not one of you and your DP.

Vsirbdo · 19/04/2022 10:21

Our of interest how will she know if you change your name?
I really don’t think it’s any of her business and personally I wouldn’t have even considered DSDs mums view when I changed my name but I respect that you don’t want to cause an issue.
I find it odd though that she thinks the name thing will make anyone think you’re his mum as realistically how often do you all give your full names when you go places apart from holidays? When you book normal things it’s only in one name.
I think this is more symptomatic of her struggling with the two of you getting married; I found DSDs mum struggled when we got married and when we had our own DC.
You could just leave it a bit vague and say you haven’t really decided what you’re doing to let it settle a bit after the wedding.

Original poster
newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 10:24

OK I see I'm overthinking this.

Yes I think I will tell her I haven't yet decided and then not bring it up again unless she specifically asks.

OP posts:
Magda72 · 19/04/2022 10:25

She's being ridiculous!
I never changed my name when I married exh 23 years ago. My dc have his name (as double barrelling both our names was a mouthful & sounded awful!). Exh has remarried & both his dw & his new dc have his name. Therefore my dc share a surname with everyone bar me, their resident parent & primary carer Smile & I'm ok with that.
If she feels THAT strongly about it could she ask your fiancé to let dsc go by her name alone?
I personally would never change my name but I believe it's a personal choice & if you wish to do so bang on with it. She's trying to dictate your life choices so don't let her!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 19/04/2022 10:26

It's really none of her business! It doesn't make you his mum, she'll have to get over it and work on her insecurity. Her son also has her name, which is great, so it really shouldn't be an issue.

Magda72 · 19/04/2022 10:27

I think this is more symptomatic of her struggling with the two of you getting married; I found DSDs mum struggled when we got married and when we had our own DC.
Bang on @Vsirbdo

NorthSouthcatlady · 19/04/2022 10:31

It’s tough shit at the end of the day and l wouldn’t feed into it, you’re getting married and changing your name isn’t her business. If you’re not careful then you will tread on egg shells forever and be dictated to. What happens if you start trying for a baby? What happens if you want to move house etc?

lunar1 · 19/04/2022 10:31

I would just make sure the double barrel name is actually used from your side. I doubt the name is the actual issue.

It's probably just hard sharing your baby from so very young.

Hotpinkangel19 · 19/04/2022 10:32

Unfortunately that's just unlucky! I'm in this situation, my Daughter has her father's surname, not mine, I don't feel unhappy or erased. You can't please everyone.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 11:11

She shouldn't even be involved in this conversation. It has NOTHING to do with her. She shouldn't have been told in the first place. It's weird she's gotten so involved.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 11:12

@newmarriedname

I know that she doesn't have a say in it, but I've worked very hard to manufacture this relationship with her for the sake of my stepson. I've heard so many horror stories about what stepparenting can be like if you don't get on with the biomum, and I'm terrified of this happening.
Absolutely no need to. It can work perfectly well when mum and stepmum haven't even met each other.
Pompom2367 · 19/04/2022 11:15

Just change your name and don't tell her op I think once it's done she will accept it as it's not something easily changed again

Moochio · 19/04/2022 11:18

@Pompom2367

Just change your name and don't tell her op I think once it's done she will accept it as it's not something easily changed again
It doesn't matter if she accepts it or not though. It is absolutely not her business.
NarcissasMumintheDoghouse · 19/04/2022 11:19

Blimey! What is she going to do if you have children? Demand that they take your surname?

She is being unreasonable and needs to come to terms with the new situation.

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