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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Changing my name post-marriage

43 replies

newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 09:59

Not sure if it needs saying but I've namechanged for this one.

I have a 4 year old stepson who doesn't know a life without me as I've been with his dad for 3.5 years. I have a good relationship with his mother, we get on very well, and we have hardly any conflict. I wouldn't say we're friends though, most communication goes via my SO and is generally purely practical. We don't do joint birthdays or anything similar.

Sometimes she deals with some jealousy because my stepson is very attached to me as I've been a mother figure in his life pretty much since birth, but we communicate and work through it which takes compromising from both sides. We have 50/50 custody.

Now the one thing that is causing a pretty big issue is that I am getting married next month, and was planning on changing my surname after marriage. My stepson's surname is double-barrelled as she and my SO were never married. She sent me a message saying she has been trying to work through it, but she can't accept the fact that I will have the same surname as her son. Because of how attached he is to me, when I am out with him and my SO, people will always assume he is my son, and having the same surname as him means that we will be 'erasing her'.

I get (to an extent) where she is coming from, but I wouldn't even have the same surname as him exactly, as obviously I won't be double-barrelling my name to hers haha. I don't know how to navigate this, as I don't want to upset her, our sour the excellent relationship that we have, but it's also just important for me to change my name to my husband's.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Or any ideas on what I can say to her? Or should I just pick my battles and not change my name until she's had time to come to terms??

OP posts:
Totheweekend · 19/04/2022 11:24

Don’t pander to her by saying you haven’t decided yet. Just ignore!! And do what you like of course.

RedWingBoots · 19/04/2022 12:26

Don’t pander to her by saying you haven’t decided yet. Just ignore!!

And don't engage except to tell her you aren't talking to her about it as it is nothing to do with her.

If you go on to have children with your soon-to-be husband you are aware she has absolutely no legal right to meet them? And if she continues to be batshit over things like your name then don't let her meet them as you need to protect your children.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 12:29

It's nothing to do with her whatsoever. I now have the same surname as my SC and I bet their DM hates it but tough shit.

TidyDancer · 19/04/2022 12:46

It's not her decision, but it's good you are being sensitive. All you can do is be kind but not give her any hope she has a say in it.

Also I'm sure you're not referring to her as 'biomum' to her face, but please make sure you don't start doing this because that will be hurtful and won't help the situation. There is a chance you're slightly overstepping and that's what she's responding to but not expressing it well.

rogueone · 19/04/2022 12:47

So you have been part of the boys life since he was 6mths. Love to hear the back story to your relationship. Anyway that aside she is being unreasonable however your being unreasonable for changing your name anyway. Its isnt required by law so why change it anyway.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 12:48

your being unreasonable for changing your name anyway. Its isnt required by law so why change it anyway.
Because she wants to?

RedWingBoots · 19/04/2022 12:51

@rogueone

So you have been part of the boys life since he was 6mths. Love to hear the back story to your relationship. Anyway that aside she is being unreasonable however your being unreasonable for changing your name anyway. Its isnt required by law so why change it anyway.
Ahh a "Where you the OW post?"

I know a few people whose children are the products of "brief relationships" e.g. one night stands. In fact I know and met a couple of adults who know they were the products of such a relationship.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 12:58

And even IF the OP was the OW, it's not really relevant to whether she changes her name or not.

Totheweekend · 19/04/2022 13:10

@rogueone

So you have been part of the boys life since he was 6mths. Love to hear the back story to your relationship. Anyway that aside she is being unreasonable however your being unreasonable for changing your name anyway. Its isnt required by law so why change it anyway.
Seems like you are digging for dirt. The backstory is none of your business.
WimpoleHat · 19/04/2022 13:14

You see, I’d say the opposite. If you and your DH are Mr and Mrs Brown (and any kids you have are Master and Miss Brown) and your SS is Master Smith-Brown, I’d say the obvious inference is that you’re his stepmother and not his mum. Because you pretty obviously don’t have the same surname as your SS.

Original poster
newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 13:49

@TidyDancer - no, of course I don't refer to her as 'biomum' in real life. It's just for simplicity's sake on an anonymous website. I also won't be referring to my DH as 'Dear Husband' in real life.

@rogueone - sorry to let you down but nothing juicy in the backstory I'm afraid! I was not the other woman. They never had a relationship so there couldn't have been another woman. She had moved on before I ever met him. I know it's not required by law but I want to change my name because I don't have good ties to my father who gave me my name.

@WimpoleHat - right? I thought the same. Surely if people were to check his name e.g. while traveling it would be obvious that there is another person involved who is not me.

OP posts:
Moochio · 19/04/2022 13:55

How many times is it ever going to come up though?

Lorw · 19/04/2022 15:17

I have the same last name as my SC, more fool her for giving them his last name when they weren’t married tbh, the ex went absolutely mental when we told her we were getting married, but none of her business, she sharp got over herself 🤷🏻‍♀️

HumptyDumpty2022 · 19/04/2022 15:49

Either this is a reverse or you’re trying very very hard to please someone you really don’t need to. It’s none of her business.
I took my husband’s name simply because I wanted to, I don’t give a bugger that it’s the same name as his kids or his saddo ex wife.

sophienelisse · 19/04/2022 19:50

I have the same surname as my step son. My daughter has her dads surname as I was married to him when she was born.

It's just a name.

beachcitygirl · 20/04/2022 14:10

It's your choice. I sort of understand her feelings but that's the way the cookie crumbles. She'll have to get over it.

I've been told recently that my stbxh partner is going to "demand" that I stop using my married name. 🤣🤣🤣
Good luck with that princess. I'll be keeping the name of my kids & the one I've used for years.

lickenchugget · 20/04/2022 14:48

Nothing to do with her, and if she honestly thinks it’s fine to ring you and ask you to not
take your husband’s name, then you and DH need to get some boundaries in place with her, fast.

MeridianB · 21/04/2022 06:52

newmarriedname · 19/04/2022 10:24

OK I see I'm overthinking this.

Yes I think I will tell her I haven't yet decided and then not bring it up again unless she specifically asks.

Sounds sensible, OP.

I agree she is being silly about this but I do have empathy for her if she is sad about this (rather than angry/vindictive).

i’d be inclined to maintain the warm connection you have but perhaps hold back on sharing too much in future, to maintain some healthy boundaries.

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