Blended family 'mum' name issue

[littlemumlyf]

I have 2 DSD (7,4) and 1 DS (6months) were struggling with what my name should be with the DSD. We have shared custody of them and its a complete 50/50 split. I have been in my step daughters lives since they were 9months and 3, their bio mum also has a partner who has been in their lives for the same amount of time. My fiancée split amicably and all four of us get on really well, we have a group chat to discuss everything children related. I get on well with bio mum and she buys me mothers day gifts from my DSD and we get her gifts too. I have always been introduced to them as my name and nothing else. About a year ago the oldest (7) done a homework piece on 'why she's special' and said its because she has 2 mummies and 2 daddies. After this she asked if she could call me mumma, I felt awkward at first and explained she already has a mummy and Im her step mummy, she was a bit upset but carried on reffering me to my name, however she kept asking if she could call me mumma. I took it as a compliment that she sees me as a motherly figure and spoke with my fiancée and said she could call me whatever she felt comfortable with but she should ask bio mums permission first as I don't want to feel like im replacing her in anyway. She came back and decided to call me mumma although she will use a mixture of both, sometimes my name sometimes mumma I respond to both and Im used to it now. We have since had a DS together and the 4 year old DSD is getting a bit confused. She doesnt understand why daddy refers to me as mummy when talking to DS but refers to me by name to DSD she often corrects him when hes talking to DS saying no daddy thats not mummy thats my name. Which hurts as I dont want my DS to ever call me by my name. We have explained to 4yo DSD that I am mummy to DS but im step mummy to DSD and that bio mums partner is step dad, since she has learnt about step parents she has asked if she can call me mumma + my name and the same with her step dad, dadda + his name so she can differentiate between biomum and step mum, I thought it was a good idea and will solve the DS issue. She went home to biomum and called me mumma+my name and biomum told her she wasnt allowed to because biomum doesnt like it. Since she has been back and told us she has said she still wants to call me mumma+my name but it has to be our little secret. I told her we should never keep secrets and maybe we should come up with a name that biomum is happy with. Have since asked 7yo DSD what biomum has said to her since she refers to me as mumma and she said that she calls me my name at biomums house but mumma when here. She said that biomum was upset that DSD didnt want to call her stepdad, dad and only wants to refer to him by his name and when shes prepared to call him dad when there then she can call me mum when here. Now I don't know how to approach the situation as I think the DSD should call the step parents whatever they're comfortable with. I also dont want to force them to call me 1 or the other and despite the good relationship I have with biomum I dont think its my place to bring this up?

I think the kids should be able to call you mumma + your name if that's what they want. They don't want to feel different to their younger brother. Mum sounds quite petty saying it's only okay if her husband gets called dad.
I'd let them call you the name of their choice at your house. Because it is their choice and not something being imposed upon them.

Tough this isn't about the mum.

I wouldn’t be a fan of this either. From a purely practical sense, if you and their dad break up badly, would you still see them regularly and be taking on a “mumma” role? And if he was to move on again, his kids would have yet another “mumma”.

I think you’ve done the right thing by saying to your SD that you shouldn’t keep secrets from her mum, but I do think wanting to call you mumma is probably a phase and it’s best for them to call you something else or your name.

I don’t think your son will be confused at all, and if he is, it’s easily explained with “their mummy is [name], but I’m your mummy”.

I think its up to the kids what they call you. I had my oldest at 18, minimal involvement from her father, I met my exDH when she was 2. When she was 6 she asked to call him dad. We went with it, she still saw bio dad and his family sporadically. She's now 22 and my ex is just dad. I have remarried and none of my children call current DH anything other than his first name, even though he's been in my youngest sons life since he was 3. It's not something that was raised by the kids.

I think this is all very dependent on the children involved.

I’ve never known kids struggle with understanding why their step/half siblings call their parent mum/dad but their step parent by their name. It’s all a bit weirdly focused on names and I’d guess there’s an element of enjoying trying the piss the ex/bio mum off here even though you will deny that.

it’s very important that these children do not call you anything resembling mum. If you were to split, you most likely wouldn’t see these kids again.

If the child doesn’t understand now, they will as they gets older. Insist on first name being used.

The mum knew what she was getting into when she split up with the dad.
That poor child

😀

@custardbear my post above isn't a dig at you just a parody of the advice given to step parents when they are feeling understandably uncomfortable about something

You say it's a parody but there is some truth in it imo. They are split up and she needs to deal with the situation.

Can't you just use basic kid logic to explain it?

SC: Can I call you mumma?
You: But you already have a mumma? Why don't you just call me x
SC: But DC calls you mumma?
You: Because I'm their mum. Your mum is your mum. I'm your x

DC: why do SC call you x?
You: because that's my name
DC: can I call you x?
You: No, because I'm your mum
DC: But aren't you SC's mum?
You: No, I'm their step mum so they call me x. I'm your mum, so you call me mum.

I'm worried you've let this become too complicated to unpick at this stage tbh. It's wonderful that they see you as a parent and it's a shame there isn't a better, roll-off-the-tongue name for step-mum but 99% of the people I know with step parents calls their step parent by their names instead of some nickname.

Agreed with @SliceOfCakeCupOfTea feels like this has been over-complicated. I'm not sure young kids can differentiate or even comprehend what ''step'' anything means. I remember at similar ages to Op's kids my DD was always asking endless questions around what a 'step-brother' and 'step sister' was and what she should call them, and why they didn't live together like her friend Lottie and her brothers and sisters, why didn't I live with Daddy & Step Mum because I'm her Mummy and mummies/ Daddies / brothers and sisters live together.. etc etc.

First name basis avoid all that and keeps it nice and simple. Never really understood the need to label relationships tbh but that's just me !

Your dsd should definitely call you by your name, it will not confuse your ds. I have 2 ds and 2 dsd's, one of whom lives with us full time. She calls me by my name, refers to me as stepmum or will refer to me as mummy when talking to her brothers. But her brothers know she have a different mummy as they're often there at handover so it's not confusing to them.

Your name or pick a new nickname. You're not mum and it's not confusing. You're over complicating it.

If your DH gets married again I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate your dc calling his new wife mum

I find it very odd that you have allowed the good arrangements you all had to be tarnished and damaged in this way. When the child asked to call you mum or mummy or whatever you should gently and matter of fact told her that she should continue to call you your first name as she already has a mummy. End of. You have created this issue.

So you came on to a zombie thread. To tell the OP she caused the issue and offered 0 advice

I'm not sure which element is more ridiculous tbh.