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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Blended family 'mum' name issue

64 replies

littlemumlyf · 19/04/2022 00:50

I have 2 DSD (7,4) and 1 DS (6months) were struggling with what my name should be with the DSD. We have shared custody of them and its a complete 50/50 split. I have been in my step daughters lives since they were 9months and 3, their bio mum also has a partner who has been in their lives for the same amount of time. My fiancée split amicably and all four of us get on really well, we have a group chat to discuss everything children related. I get on well with bio mum and she buys me mothers day gifts from my DSD and we get her gifts too. I have always been introduced to them as my name and nothing else. About a year ago the oldest (7) done a homework piece on 'why she's special' and said its because she has 2 mummies and 2 daddies. After this she asked if she could call me mumma, I felt awkward at first and explained she already has a mummy and Im her step mummy, she was a bit upset but carried on reffering me to my name, however she kept asking if she could call me mumma. I took it as a compliment that she sees me as a motherly figure and spoke with my fiancée and said she could call me whatever she felt comfortable with but she should ask bio mums permission first as I don't want to feel like im replacing her in anyway. She came back and decided to call me mumma although she will use a mixture of both, sometimes my name sometimes mumma I respond to both and Im used to it now. We have since had a DS together and the 4 year old DSD is getting a bit confused. She doesnt understand why daddy refers to me as mummy when talking to DS but refers to me by name to DSD she often corrects him when hes talking to DS saying no daddy thats not mummy thats my name. Which hurts as I dont want my DS to ever call me by my name. We have explained to 4yo DSD that I am mummy to DS but im step mummy to DSD and that bio mums partner is step dad, since she has learnt about step parents she has asked if she can call me mumma + my name and the same with her step dad, dadda + his name so she can differentiate between biomum and step mum, I thought it was a good idea and will solve the DS issue. She went home to biomum and called me mumma+my name and biomum told her she wasnt allowed to because biomum doesnt like it. Since she has been back and told us she has said she still wants to call me mumma+my name but it has to be our little secret. I told her we should never keep secrets and maybe we should come up with a name that biomum is happy with. Have since asked 7yo DSD what biomum has said to her since she refers to me as mumma and she said that she calls me my name at biomums house but mumma when here. She said that biomum was upset that DSD didnt want to call her stepdad, dad and only wants to refer to him by his name and when shes prepared to call him dad when there then she can call me mum when here. Now I don't know how to approach the situation as I think the DSD should call the step parents whatever they're comfortable with. I also dont want to force them to call me 1 or the other and despite the good relationship I have with biomum I dont think its my place to bring this up?

OP posts:

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LetitiaLeghorn · 19/04/2022 02:59

@Kanaloa

The drama and silliness is coming from the ‘oh but if they don’t call me mumma then ds won’t and I don’t ever want him to not call me mumma’ and ‘but it’s not fair on stepdad and he needs to be called dadda!’

It’s just all daft. They’ve got mum and dad, they’ve got stepmum and stepdad.

But the step children want to acknowledge their step parents by giving them a familial name. There's nothing wrong with that. You see many posters on here who called their step-parents by a variation of mother and father.

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/04/2022 03:24

@LetitiaLeghorn

Just because you love your mum and dad, it doesn't mean that you can't love other people who you feel are family. I think its natural for some children who are close to their step-parents to want to call them a familiar name that they can use with their friends that distinguishes them from just any friend of the family and illustrates how the tight bond they feel with them. I don't think it's dramatic or silly.

I agree with this. Having a special name signifies the bond and I think that can feel very important to young children.

What about aunt? Or a French version - tante, or tata?

My DC call my stepdad “uncle” because my dad (who was terminally ill at the time felt shoved out). That solution worked for us (I call my stepdad by his name as I was 15 when he got together with DM).

SpidersAreShitheads · 19/04/2022 03:29

Or Mutti is mum in German - that’s sounds noticeably different to the ear than mumma or mummy?

Moochio · 19/04/2022 06:17

Stop making them go and ask their mum. They can call you whatever you and they are happy with in dad's care. Your DC will be fine, they will know you are their mummy or whatever it is you are calling yourself, and it will help them learn that they have a different relationship with you than the DSC

Moochio · 19/04/2022 06:19

The kids aren't stupid they know which one is their mum and which one is their stepmum.

CJsGoldfish · 19/04/2022 06:26

..was writing biomum so it wasnt confusing to people reading
It wasn't. It never is. There is mum and everyone else who is not the mum 🤷‍♀️

PeeAche2 · 19/04/2022 08:28

I'm a mum to 2 step children and I met them when they were 2 and 4. They have both been through "name phases" and I have always assured them that they can call me by anything they wish but I have told them my preference is my name.

I figured out fairly quickly that the "can I call you mum?" thing is linked to them wanting assurances of my permanence in their lives. I didn't ever tell them "I'm here forever" but I told them I'm "their PeeAche" and I still tell them I love them every day. (It's easy, because I do).

I am married to their father and we have a shared DC. Yep, we went through the confusing stage too ("why is she calling you mummy, you're PeeAche!?") but we just soldiered on. Kids were never meant to be easy but with lots of patience, time and talks about what makes a mummy a mummy and a daddy a daddy, we got there. Children are capable of understanding.

At their mum's they have to call her blokes "Dad". They're on their third "Dad" there. We don't think they like it and we don't think it's good for them. But we can't control it so we just focus on our own home.

Totheweekend · 19/04/2022 08:43

I’m not in a blended situation but my DSD has tried to call me mum many times. We found a nickname and that works well. It’s nothing like mum in any language, just a silly name for me!
However her mum even hates that she calls me by a nickname 🙄

PawPaw333 · 19/04/2022 09:13

You're massively over complicating this. It really doesn't need to be like this.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 09:15

However her mum even hates that she calls me by a nickname so childish. I'll never understand why some mums don't want their kids to feel comfortable with potentially such a major influence in their life.

Magda72 · 19/04/2022 09:38

I too think you're massively overcomplicating this & @PeeAche2 makes some really good points. I also thing what @RussianSpy101 said is spot on.
Kids actually respond best to clarity & while there may be initial upset & questioning as to why your own dc calls you mummy & dsc don't that does settle down. It's not being cruel to 'correct' a child who says they have 2 mummies & 2 daddies by saying they've actually 2 stepparents - it's actually more helpful & less confusing to them in the long run.
It's possible to have a very healthy blended situation but with certain boundaries.

PeeAche2 · 19/04/2022 09:48

I think, in my experience, it can feel demonstrably tidier to have a "mumma" type nickname for your step children to call you. Especially when you're out in public and they're calling you "Daddy and PeeAche"

But I have always just shrugged it off. So what if a bunch of strangers can see I'm not their mother. Who cares? The number 1 thing is that the children understand what's what.

Moochio · 19/04/2022 09:51

So what if a bunch of strangers can see I'm not their mother I prefer being called Moochio by DSC partly for this reason. Im not responsible for their bad behaviour their dad is.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2022 09:51

and spoke with my fiancée and said she could call me whatever she felt comfortable with

This is where I disagree. It's not what she feels comfortable with. You're not her mum. She has an active mum in her life

but she should ask bio mums permission first as I don't want to feel like im replacing her in anyway

Did you really expect a 7 year old would be able to do this? If anything, your partner should have approached his Ex to discuss this and make sure she was okay.

You have a very good amicable relationship and this kind of thing can just piss off the other parent.

aSofaNearYou · 19/04/2022 10:09

My DSS calls me my name but we do ask him to call me mummy when talking directly to DD, in the same way he would with any other chikd whilst talking about their mum.

I would just have them call you you're name but correct them when they say "that's not mummy, that's x". You ARE your DS's mum.

LetitiaLeghorn · 19/04/2022 10:09

@CJsGoldfish

..was writing biomum so it wasnt confusing to people reading It wasn't. It never is. There is mum and everyone else who is not the mum 🤷‍♀️

But how does it harm anyone on an anonymous website using the phrase biomum? Why do posters always have to make a big thing out of it? It's not like she uses the word in real life where she has a good relationship with her and uses her given name. So if she hasn't offended the biomum, why are people offended on here?

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 12:30

My SC call me by my first name. My DS has never once been confused by this, he calls me mummy.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 12:36

And for the love of God - can people stop getting their knickers in a twist with the biomum/BM thing.

I am a 'biomum' and I really couldn't give two figs if someone was to refer to me like that - as guess what - I AM a biological mum. It's hardly offensive.

Dungabees · 19/04/2022 14:07

My youngest sister has a different dad to me. I remember when she was around two or three she called her dad by his first name because all her other siblings were but she very quickly stopped after we explained it to her. Kids are more adaptable than you think.

With regards to what your DSD can you call you, mine calls me by a nickname which only she uses. It’s a variation on my first name. Is that a possibility for you? That way you get your own ‘title’ but your not stepping on mum’s toes.

howtomoveforwards · 19/04/2022 19:24

was writing biomum so it wasnt confusing to people reading

Because the difference between mum and stepmum is confusing?

I am a 'biomum' and I really couldn't give two figs if someone was to refer to me like that - as guess what - I AM a biological mum. It's hardly offensive

It might not offend you but there are plenty of people who are offended by it. It is a term used in fostering and adoption. It seems to suggest ‘bad/incapable/useless mum’. If you don’t care, does it hurt you in some way to recognise that it is upsetting to some and therefore avoid using it rather than offending some people?

Moochio · 19/04/2022 19:31

It is a term used in fostering and adoption. It seems to suggest ‘bad/incapable/useless mum’. now THAT'S offensive to those who have placed their children for fostering or adoption. It absolutely does don't suggest that and it's highly offensive to suggest it does.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 19:42

@howtomoveforwards

was writing biomum so it wasnt confusing to people reading

Because the difference between mum and stepmum is confusing?

I am a 'biomum' and I really couldn't give two figs if someone was to refer to me like that - as guess what - I AM a biological mum. It's hardly offensive

No, it doesn't hurt me in any way at all because it's fucking ridiculous to get offended over being called...what you are.

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 19/04/2022 19:45

If your husband gets married again in future will you be happy for your DS to call her Mummy?

Puffalicious · 19/04/2022 19:47

OP, similar situation for my DH. I had 2 DC when we met, 4 and 6. They've always called him by his name Ryan (not his real name btw). Their dad, exH, and I have a similar relationship as you all do- close, mutually helpful and a great situation for the boys. When DS3 came along it all just worked fine- they call DH Ryan and DS3 calls him daddy. The older boys always refer to DH as daddy when talking to DS3 and he's never called him Ryan ever- he's now 10.

Interestingly, DS3 does call ExH Daddy Dave (not his real name either). He always has, think it made sense in his head when he was younger and now it's just stuck. He goes for a sleepover now and again and my exH is great with him (he has ASN and can be tricky, but exH is really great).

It can work just fine as long as you don't make a big deal of things. Good luck.

CornishGem1975 · 19/04/2022 19:53

Like you @Puffalicious My SC use "mummy" when they talk to my DS about me - but "real name" when they're talking to me or anyone else for that matter. They'll play with him and say "shall we go show mummy", they don't even say "your mummy"

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