Blended family 'mum' name issue

[littlemumlyf]

I have 2 DSD (7,4) and 1 DS (6months) were struggling with what my name should be with the DSD. We have shared custody of them and its a complete 50/50 split. I have been in my step daughters lives since they were 9months and 3, their bio mum also has a partner who has been in their lives for the same amount of time. My fiancée split amicably and all four of us get on really well, we have a group chat to discuss everything children related. I get on well with bio mum and she buys me mothers day gifts from my DSD and we get her gifts too. I have always been introduced to them as my name and nothing else. About a year ago the oldest (7) done a homework piece on 'why she's special' and said its because she has 2 mummies and 2 daddies. After this she asked if she could call me mumma, I felt awkward at first and explained she already has a mummy and Im her step mummy, she was a bit upset but carried on reffering me to my name, however she kept asking if she could call me mumma. I took it as a compliment that she sees me as a motherly figure and spoke with my fiancée and said she could call me whatever she felt comfortable with but she should ask bio mums permission first as I don't want to feel like im replacing her in anyway. She came back and decided to call me mumma although she will use a mixture of both, sometimes my name sometimes mumma I respond to both and Im used to it now. We have since had a DS together and the 4 year old DSD is getting a bit confused. She doesnt understand why daddy refers to me as mummy when talking to DS but refers to me by name to DSD she often corrects him when hes talking to DS saying no daddy thats not mummy thats my name. Which hurts as I dont want my DS to ever call me by my name. We have explained to 4yo DSD that I am mummy to DS but im step mummy to DSD and that bio mums partner is step dad, since she has learnt about step parents she has asked if she can call me mumma + my name and the same with her step dad, dadda + his name so she can differentiate between biomum and step mum, I thought it was a good idea and will solve the DS issue. She went home to biomum and called me mumma+my name and biomum told her she wasnt allowed to because biomum doesnt like it. Since she has been back and told us she has said she still wants to call me mumma+my name but it has to be our little secret. I told her we should never keep secrets and maybe we should come up with a name that biomum is happy with. Have since asked 7yo DSD what biomum has said to her since she refers to me as mumma and she said that she calls me my name at biomums house but mumma when here. She said that biomum was upset that DSD didnt want to call her stepdad, dad and only wants to refer to him by his name and when shes prepared to call him dad when there then she can call me mum when here. Now I don't know how to approach the situation as I think the DSD should call the step parents whatever they're comfortable with. I also dont want to force them to call me 1 or the other and despite the good relationship I have with biomum I dont think its my place to bring this up?

They should both be calling you by your name. If they want to call you mumma or whatever in your house and youve already allowed it for the eldest then there isn’t much you can do about it now, it should’ve been enforced at the time that you’re just X.
You aren’t their mum and I can completely understand why their mum doesn’t want you calling you that.
You should’ve also explained when the homework was done that she doesn’t have 2 mummies & daddies. She has 1 mum and 1 dad and 2 step parents / whatever your first names are.

Forgot your last point; I agree it isn’t your place to bring this up with their mum. Your husband needs to explain the error here and tell his daughter that you aren’t her mum and therefore will continue to be called by your name.
If you’re not happy with you own child calling you by your name, I assume you also wouldn’t be happy with him calling another woman mum? Would you also be ok being referred to as his bio mum?

@RussianSpy101 I dont refer to biomum as biomum to DSD, I just call her mumma, was writing biomum so it wasnt confusing to people reading. I don't want my DS to call me anything but mum and why should I have to be okay with the fact he might start calling me by my name occassionally because he sees his sisters doing it and his sisters do it because biomum is upset. Keeping her feelings intact but not mine, hardly seems fair. Also re the homework, was something she done on her own and biomum proudly showed off to everyone, so why would I need to be the one to have the discussion with DSD. We are all happy to be in a healthy blended family and just trying to find a name that keeps me and biomum happy. DSD asked why she calls step dads family granma X and grandad Y yet me and stepdad are reffered to by name and to be fair I think she has a point.

I'd be livid as the mum. You need a name that doesn't offend, sren or similar (s as in step and ren like middle bit of parent) ... or similar you're all happy with

The name is your name. That’s what they should be calling you. Simple. Why are you over complicating this?
With all due respect, it’s not about keeping you happy. It’s about respecting their mother.
You’re “your name, dads girlfriend or wife or whatever. There really is no need for all of this.
When your son is older he will understand they don’t call you mum as you aren’t their mum. He calls you mum because you are.

I must admit I was livid when my children were told to call their step-mum mumma. She is not their mumma. They call my husband, their step-dad by his name. We are not 50-50 tho, nothing like. Ultimately I think the child should use whatever babe they feel comfortable with (within reason).

Also, my DS is going through a phase of calling her by my first name. I think it’s quite common (he hasn’t heard anyone else do this btw), my nephew also calls his mum by her first name but I think that’s teenage cheekiness.

Life is to short to be getting worked up over this tbh

I can see it from both sides, but I imagine you wouldn’t like your son calling his dad’s partner mumma considering how upset you are about a 4 year old using your name to him.

And it’s really nothing to do with keeping her mum’s feelings intact but not yours - you want your child to call you mummy. She wants her kids to call her mummy. There’s no need for her kids to call you mumma.

As for it being confusing for your son, that will happen all through life. Your nephews and nieces will call you auntie Jenny, your partner will call you Jenny, your mum might call you poppet, the nursery teacher will call you Ms Thompson etc. He will learn to differentiate between ‘my mummy is my mummy but she’s not everyone’s mummy. That is why my cousin Mike calls her auntie.’

Oh dear - quite a few types in what I just posted. But hopefully you get the gist.

I don’t want my DS to call me anything but mum and why should I have to be okay with the fact he might start calling me by my name occassionally because he sees his sisters doing it and his sisters do it because biomum is upset. Keeping her feelings intact but not mine, hardly seems fair.

This is just a silly justification unless everyone else in the world calls you mumma to ensure your child does. I mean presumably you won’t encourage him to call their mum mumma so as not to confuse him. Or send him off with them to their mum’s. So he will quickly become aware that he does not have the same mum as the girls do. Making them call you mumma won’t change that and will only sour relationships with their mum.

I agree with @Kanaloa about all the ways names can be confusing for a small child. My youngest can’t ever remember a time his step dad wasn’t in his life but he still calls him by his first name. He was very confused around 4/5 and asked why Daddy’s name was Daddy. I thought he understood that he was his Dad but apparently not. He thought his step dad was his dad despite only ever calling him by his first name.

once again im not forcing them to call me anything, they have asked to call me mumma+my name, I have told them im step mum and that they have their own mum already. Dad has explained the same to them and he only calls me my name to them as do I, I dont refer to myself as mumma+name to them, I refer myself to mummy to DS and my name to DSD however they still choose to call me mumma+name short of correcting them to my name only every time 4days a week, hence why coming up with another petname might help.

Just to clarify, do your stepchildren call their mother mumma and not mum? So they're calling her mumma and you mumma littlemumlyf? And their mother's argument is not that she's against this arrangement but she will only allow it when your stepchildren want to call their step-father dad?
I think this is quite confusing to be honest. Can you not come up with different titles for you and their step-father. That way you won't encroach on the important titles of mumma and dad?

But you say that all the parents get on well together so how have you allowed this situation to arise? Why did you not speak together as soon as your step-daughter brought this up instead of agreeing it without running it past her mother yourselves?

@Kanaloa yeah I didnt even think DS will be confused about what the rest of the world will call me as I was just caught up in the fact he would see his sisters calling daddy dad still and me by my name! Thanks thats made me feel better about the whole thing. Like Ive already said im not forcing them to call me anything, they both call me by my name alot, sometimes the eldest calls me mumma and sometimes shell say mumma+my name, they both keep asking to refer to me as mum something and I just want to find something that keeps them and mum happy.

As for children being able to cope with confusing things, my friend is married to an Italian and so they obviously bring up their daughter to be bilingual. My friends mother decided to learn Italian to make her DIL feel more at home; however my friends father does not speak Italian at all. When my friends daughter was learning to speak, so very young, she figured out which of her grandparents could speak Italian and which not. And at that very young she, could flip between different languages according to who was in the room.
Kids are very quick to accept and adapt. Just because your stepchildren call you ma (for example), doesn't mean that your own child won't be able to call you mum. They'll learn and just accept it as part of life.

@LetitiaLeghorn yeah they call their mum, mummy/mumma they have asked to call me mumma littlemumlyf, their mum said its not fair to step dad if he remains his name only and they should treat the step parents equally and if they call me mumma littlemumlyf then he should be dadda X and both bioparents remain mummy/daddy. Eldest doesnt want to call step dad, dadda X and wants to use his name only but 4yo wants to call him dadda X. All very confusing I agree, when DSD first bought it up my other half spoke with their mum and said eldest has asked to call me mumma, she said shes not happy with her calling me the same as her and as long as theres a difference in our house then ok. Now that 4yo has suggested mumma littlemumlyf she has asked if we can use something else instead. My other half has messaged her about it today and shes more upset that DSD only want to refer to stepdad by name. I cant win here.

You don't need to win. Just respond to the kids when they address you, and if their mum has an issue with it she can talk to them and your OH about it.

One of my children called me by first name for a bit. It was a short-lived phase and he doesn't even have a stepmother! I think I asked him to call me Mum but I can't really remember. It wasn't an issue.

You seem incredibly supportive and considerate and how lovely to hear of a step mother who really cares for her step children.

Just a suggestion if the kids want to call you something other than your name and can’t call you Mumma because it’s the same as their own mother…

What about a pet name, what springs to mind is Marmee (little women), and they could likewise have a pet name for the step dad that isn’t dada X.

I honestly think it would be better for you to move away for having her use mumma at all. Pick another form of the word, maybe from a different language, but with a similar sound. Their mother surely wouldn't object to that. And I wonder if the 7yo would adapt better to calling their stepfather a dissimilar name from their father. Like papa or pops.

Your DS won't be confused
My older siblings have a different dad to me so have always called my dad by his name. I've always called him dad. It's never been an issue

It seems like it would be better for all the children (step kids and your child) to call their own parents mum and dad/mumma and dadda etc, and call other people like mum and dad’s partners by their names. It all just sounds like absolute drama and silliness over nothing. They don’t need to call you mumma for your ds or call their mum’s partner dadda for her.

I’m not being nasty or anti stepparent by the way - my 10yo calls DH dad although my oldest calls him ‘name.’ But they don’t have a dad, my DH is the only dad they’ve known. But if their dad was in the picture I wouldn’t be having mumma this and dadda that to everyone who is in their lives. It’s not necessary, they’ve got a mum and dad.

If the birth parents are still around then the step-parents should be known by their actual names. It's not hard to explain to children that this person and that person are your mother and father and your little brother has a different mother.

Just because you love your mum and dad, it doesn't mean that you can't love other people who you feel are family. I think its natural for some children who are close to their step-parents to want to call them a familiar name that they can use with their friends that distinguishes them from just any friend of the family and illustrates how the tight bond they feel with them. I don't think it's dramatic or silly.

The drama and silliness is coming from the ‘oh but if they don’t call me mumma then ds won’t and I don’t ever want him to not call me mumma’ and ‘but it’s not fair on stepdad and he needs to be called dadda!’

It’s just all daft. They’ve got mum and dad, they’ve got stepmum and stepdad.

If you have good communication with the other parents ask your partner to speak to his ex about a solution?