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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

We’re not enough?

51 replies

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 09:18

Recently DH has started saying things like the family only feels complete when DSS is here, only arranging shifts around when DSS is here, he’s his happiest when DSS is here too, etc.

It just makes me feel like we’re not enough for him without DSS and that spending time with DSS is the priority.

It makes sense about shifts on a practical level but it just makes me a feel a bit like we’re down the pecking order and that time with us is dispensable.

FWIW, DH has never lived with DSS and it’s always been an EOW arrangement plus time in school holidays. DH and I have a DC together. I love DSS but accept the situation for what it is, I don’t dwell on us all missing him.

AIBU in feeling like this?

PS I wasn’t the OW, etc, etc

OP posts:

Starseeking · 14/04/2022 09:25

You're not unreasonable in feeling this way, it's common guilty Dad behaviour. My EXDP used to not allow any fun to happen on weekends when his DSS wasn't with us. He also worked long hours, so my DC only really spent time with him on weekends. My DC were practically living an EOW pattern with their Dad, despite us all being in the same house!

Something needs to change otherwise you will begin to feel hugely resentful, and that will only get worse over time. Have you tried talking to your DH about how this makes you feel? Also perhaps couples therapy may help if he can't/won't see it himself, or through 1-1 conversation with you.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 09:31

What’s the age gap like between your DC and your DSS. There’s often a significant gap that means that you can plan activities for when your DSS is not there that he wouldn’t enjoy anyway. Kids are 10 and 3? Take your 3 year old to softplay/pepperpig world/ to visit your parents when DSS is not there. Do trip to the beach/go ape/ proper holiday away when he is there.

Easylittlethrowaway · 14/04/2022 09:38

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He has 2 children so of course his family isn’t complete when one of them isn’t there. And why wouldn’t he arrange his shifts around when he can spend time with both his children?

Fireflygal · 14/04/2022 09:40

How long have you been together?

Aimee1987 · 14/04/2022 09:43

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus

This is really good advice. I dont feel like DS misses out when DSS isnt here because we do other age appropiate stuff.

DP has also arranged his work patern around DSS so he works the Saturday that we dont have DSS and is off the Saturday we do. I think it works. As I work full time that's my day every other weekend with DS so I dont resent dad not being there.

Does you partner restrict you doing stuff with your own child?

LindaEllen · 14/04/2022 09:55

One of the things that is most upsetting about divorce is not being able to be with your child/ren full time.

It's not to say that you're not enough for him, but one child doesn't replace his other child - and he isn't 'complete' unless his other child is there too.

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and support him with this difficult situation.

Original poster

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 10:16

@Starseeking
I have replied to those comments saying how I feel and I think it does make him realise how they can come across.

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus @Aimee1987
There’s only a couple of years between them and they have similar interests.

To be fair to him, we’ve worked on it and now we do take DS out when DSS isn’t here. My view is that DSS is having a nice time with his mum’s side so DS can have a nice time with his family too…I’m not going to put DS life of hold because DH has another child.

I’m a SAHM so I have time to myself with DS already, I look forward to the weekends so that we can spend time as a family.

I suppose it’s things like, he will sit and eat breakfast with us all when DSS is here but doesn’t when he’s not. The other week DSS ended up staying at his mum’s on our weekend so DH said that he may as well go into work if DSS isn’t coming. Makes me feel like we’re not worth spending time with without DSS.

@Easylittlethrowaway @LindaEllen
I know it’s really hard for him but that isn’t mine or DS fault. I can’t really support him
more with DS, I sort everything out for him and I’m happy to but our time together can’t revolve around DSS schedule forever.

OP posts:

Easylittlethrowaway · 14/04/2022 10:30

Your time doesn’t have to revolve around his DSS but he has every right as a parent to ensure his free time is when he has both his children. If you split up and went on to have another child with someone else, would you really be able to say your family felt “complete” when your first DC wasn’t there? Would you schedule your free time to focus on just one of your children when you could schedule it for both?

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 10:31

I wouldn't put up with the comments about not being complete when SC isn't there. You'd have to be an idiot not to realise that's insensitive and inconsiderate, he should share those feelings with somebody other than you if he feels the need to discuss them.

I wouldn't be happy with my DP if he wasn't at peace with his EOW situation and was constantly pining for DSS. He wouldn't be offering a relationship worth being in for me.

Have you spoken to him about how it's making you feel?

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 10:33

Saying things like he might as well just go into work whenever DSS isn't around is obviously awful, I can't believe anyone is defending it.

Shows the bias on here big time. "He has every right to do this" my arse. If both children were from the same mother this would be seen as a horrific way to treat one of them.

Thewheelsfalloffthebus · 14/04/2022 10:35

Oh that’s very poor of him to only eat breakfast with you when DSS is there! And he needs to be careful about what he says out loud about ´may as well go into work if DSS is not here’ - that could be damaging for your DS - not to mention for your marriage.
It is harder when the non resident child and the resident child share similar interests and enjoy the same things. You can still save the bigger treats for when DSS is there but do regular fun outings when he’s not there - like going to a nice park or walk with a picnic somewhere that’s a bit further away than you normally go, visiting your side of the family, getting fish and chips for tea, going for a swim at the local pool, borrowing books from the local library, having a film night with popcorn at home. This is a discussion worth having in detail with your husband. I think one half/full day outing every weekend is a reasonable ask whether your DSS is present or not. Just divide up a bunch of activities into ´ordinary’ or ´special’ based on your own finances and what’s easy and local. If you live near the beach ´paddle in the sea+ an ice lolly’ might be an ordinary activity but if it’s a 2hr drive it might be a ´special’ activity. A trip to the zoo is probably a special activity unless you have an annual family pass and so you go there very regularly in which case it could be an ´ordinary’ activity. The big point is that there needs to be a reasonable list of fun ordinary activities that you do often with just the three of you and with all four of you.

Easylittlethrowaway · 14/04/2022 10:36

@aSofaNearYou the OP hasn’t said that he says he might as well just go into work if his DSS isn’t there though. She has said he arranges his shifts around when BOTH his children are at home. The alternative would be that he has some more time off when DSS isn’t there and then works when DSS is there, leaving the OP to deal with childcare. She even says that it makes sense in a practical level.

Easylittlethrowaway · 14/04/2022 10:37

Ignore that, missed that part of the update!

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 10:39

I had a similar thing one year earlyish into my relationship with my ex husband (oh hindsight, why art thou such a bitch). It was our second christmas together and we didn't have his children so he decided to have a massive strop on Christmas Eve, went out, dropped a couple of e's and then spent all day Christmas Day in bed at my parents house "with a stomach bug" essentially just pissing all over christmas instead of just embracing a child free one.

Fucking idiot.

Anyway, from the birds eye view of hindsight, it's guilty behaviour, and it's not on, especially when you've got kids of your own. A family is a family, it can have different forms and spaces. Your husband needs to either get his head around that or go to see a therapist and talk about his issues and try to reconcile them. Find me a parent who isn't in need of some kind of therapy and I'll show you a liar...

Original poster

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 11:15

@aSofaNearYou
I’ve replied to the comments and told him they hurt. To be fair, he does seem to have taken them on board…although he’s working all 4 days of the weekend and I know he would have arranged it all off if DSS were here but never mind. It’s now sewn that seed of thinking he’s just constantly counting down to DSS arrival though.

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus
We do things with DS alone when DSS isn’t here as DSS mum takes him here, there and everywhere while we can’t afford to. DSS is always included in things like holidays, etc though. DSS has never had an issue, if he has said anything then I just remind him that he had a lovely time doing X with mum that day.

@daisyjgrey
Yes, we had that trying to do two Christmases, easters, etc for a bit…I was even expected to postpone DS first birthday by a week so DSS could celebrate it too!
It took a lot of hard work but we’ve struck a balance now in the best interest of DSS.

OP posts:

Original poster

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 11:15

(And DS, how confusing for him would it be to have two christmases bi-annually?!)

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 11:20

It doesn't really sound like he's taken it on board if you've had to have the conversation with him multiple times!

If he carries on like that it's going to be really upsetting for your DS growing up, not to mention shit for you.

daisyjgrey · 14/04/2022 11:22

I have a daughter and me and her Dad do alternate years for Christmas, it just ends up that she gets two days of presents instead of one, I'm reliably informed it's a pro of having separated parents...! (See also, double pocket money).

Vsirbdo · 14/04/2022 11:53

I would agree that it comes from guilt.
I’ve had to push hard on DH that we do fun things with our DC on weekends when DSD isn’t here too as I pointed out that as they get older they’ll start feeling their dad only wants to see their sibling which he took on board.

AndAsIfByMagic · 14/04/2022 11:56

He needs to understand that your DCs are as important as DSS. If he can't see that he'd better leave.

SoggyPaper · 14/04/2022 12:37

I don’t think this is ok at all.

It’s not ok to treat your child as if the family is only a family if your DSS is there. It’s not ok to decide that he’ll only do family things with the child who he actually lives with if their half sibling is there. Saying he may as well go to work because his first son isn’t there is utterly unacceptable.

Separated/divorced parents have to come to terms with their situation. If they feel ‘incomplete’ without their nonresident child(ten), they need to seek therapy and come to terms with it. Even more so if they choose to have more children.

Your family is always ‘complete’. It’s just that one member spends a significant portion of his time elsewhere. That’s how it is. And your child has to grow up feeling that their family is important. As it is, it’ll be obvious that dad doesn’t care about them unless their half sibling is there. That’s a toxic situation for a child to grow up in.

The resentment will kill your marriage too over time.

Original poster

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 12:53

Thank you all for your replies, I’m glad it’s not just me being overprotective of our family.

Please don’t misunderstand me, on the whole DH is a loving father and husband. It’s taken a lot of time to get family dynamics right but there has been a lot of improvement. I don’t know why this has now started. While I can appreciate that he’s busy with work, he needs to make time for everyone or no one at all.

If anything like this happens again then I’ll pin him down a bit and have a chat. DSS will be moving further away over summer so it might have something to do with that.

OP posts:

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 13:07

It took a lot of hard work but we’ve struck a balance now in the best interest of DSS. it shouldn't be about the best interest of DSS. Your own DC shouldn't have their life put on hold or the ridiculousness of waiting for their birthday for DSS. We had similar and DSC had moaned to their mum that we hadn't celebrated DC's birthday with them. The answer was for DH to explain to them that that is just their life and they can't expect DC to move their birthday for them.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 13:08

It's not even fair on the DSC to be treated like royalty when they are there. Its a lot to have to live up to.

Original poster

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 14:02

@NotTheOW
Sorry, that should have said for DSS too ie for us as well as DSS

I agree with you though

OP posts:

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