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Step-parenting

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Original poster

We’re not enough?

51 replies

SteppingOutAgain · 14/04/2022 09:18

Recently DH has started saying things like the family only feels complete when DSS is here, only arranging shifts around when DSS is here, he’s his happiest when DSS is here too, etc.

It just makes me feel like we’re not enough for him without DSS and that spending time with DSS is the priority.

It makes sense about shifts on a practical level but it just makes me a feel a bit like we’re down the pecking order and that time with us is dispensable.

FWIW, DH has never lived with DSS and it’s always been an EOW arrangement plus time in school holidays. DH and I have a DC together. I love DSS but accept the situation for what it is, I don’t dwell on us all missing him.

AIBU in feeling like this?

PS I wasn’t the OW, etc, etc

OP posts:
NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 14:09

Ah i get you now. Sorry my bad. I expect it is to do with him moving away but it's Really not good for you and your child feeling like you arent enough

candles1298 · 14/04/2022 18:26

I have the most amazing DH and we also have a joint DC, however, it still feels a bit "incomplete" when my eldest DD is at her dads.

That doesn't mean my DH and other DC aren't "enough".....I just feel something is missing when my DC isn't around. I'd be the same if our joint DC wasn't around EOW or my DH spent EOW elsewhere

I think it's a bit cruel to expect any adult not to miss they're young child, no matter who else they have around them

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 18:31

@candles1298

I have the most amazing DH and we also have a joint DC, however, it still feels a bit "incomplete" when my eldest DD is at her dads.

That doesn't mean my DH and other DC aren't "enough".....I just feel something is missing when my DC isn't around. I'd be the same if our joint DC wasn't around EOW or my DH spent EOW elsewhere

I think it's a bit cruel to expect any adult not to miss they're young child, no matter who else they have around them

It's also a bit cruel to repeatedly say that to your partner and other child, though, and also reinforce it by saying you might as well just not be around for the times they're not there.

There's a balance to be had here.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 18:34

@candles1298

I have the most amazing DH and we also have a joint DC, however, it still feels a bit "incomplete" when my eldest DD is at her dads.

That doesn't mean my DH and other DC aren't "enough".....I just feel something is missing when my DC isn't around. I'd be the same if our joint DC wasn't around EOW or my DH spent EOW elsewhere

I think it's a bit cruel to expect any adult not to miss they're young child, no matter who else they have around them

Missing them is understandable. Telling your partner over and over again that they basically aren't enough isn't. So I guess it depends on frequency.
NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 18:35

Maybe they should get counselling rather than making their partner and child feel like shit

FairyCakeWings · 14/04/2022 18:38

Honestly, it would break my heart to live with only one of my children, and if one was elsewhere I would constantly miss them, despite loving the others just as much.

How he feels is completely understandable and it’s the way and good parent should feel frankly, so he deserves support to manage his feelings in a way that isn’t detrimental to his youngest child.

Next time you feel like you and your dc aren’t enough for him, imagine you had two children and ask yourself if only one of them would feel good enough to you.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 18:42

@FairyCakeWings

Honestly, it would break my heart to live with only one of my children, and if one was elsewhere I would constantly miss them, despite loving the others just as much.

How he feels is completely understandable and it’s the way and good parent should feel frankly, so he deserves support to manage his feelings in a way that isn’t detrimental to his youngest child.

Next time you feel like you and your dc aren’t enough for him, imagine you had two children and ask yourself if only one of them would feel good enough to you.

I think what people really need to ask themselves is if they would feel like they might as well not be there when only one of their children was around, and if that's honestly "completely understandable".
aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 18:44

He shouldn't need to be taught not to damage his younger child with his feelings, either, he should have thought about that himself and not had another child if he wasn't able to control his feelings in a way that didn't damage them.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 18:46

I think what people really need to ask themselves is if they would feel like they might as well not be there when only one of their children was around, and if that's honestly "completely understandable" exactly this! Assuming all children are safe and well he needs to sort himself out. My dad used to take my brother away on trips to watch football, if my mum had spent that time telling me how she might as well not be here as it was just me I'd have been devastated. Even if she did miss him it would have been horrible to have made me feel like I wasn't enough for her in that moment

WimpoleHat · 14/04/2022 18:48

I suppose it’s things like, he will sit and eat breakfast with us all when DSS is here but doesn’t when he’s not. The other week DSS ended up staying at his mum’s on our weekend so DH said that he may as well go into work if DSS isn’t coming.

This is awful. Yes - fair enough - save the big trip out for next weekend when DSS is there too. But that shouldn’t mean no fun ever when he’s not. Or that your DH should be openly disrespectful of you and your child.

VeganGod · 14/04/2022 18:52

For good parents, it can be so hard to not live with their kids full time. I’d be heartbroken so I can understand how he feels. He does have to get on with life with you and his other child because his eldest does need time with his mum too, but I do feel for him. Our friends split a couple of years ago and they both really struggle with it, they co parent really well but they just both miss their kids when they’re not with them. They both get on with things but say it never feels right. 😔

harryclr · 14/04/2022 18:53

I get this feeling all the time. People who decided to split when they had a child/ren then that is their own doing and they need to understand the consequences. If they the decide to have children with someone else then again, there own doing so need to understand that the dynamics are different and thats the way it is. SC have 2 families - one at Mums and one at Dads.

winds me up so much having to feel guilty myself for arranging something age appropriate for my children to do with their parents for once in a blue moon without SC and my partner makes a huge song and dance. (Booked an easter event for under 5s for my almost 2 year old and 4month old baby, SD is 7!) Its insulting and upsetting and they just cant see it!!! Pisses me off and I cant see my relationship lasting if it continues.

Ohmygoshyoudontsay · 14/04/2022 18:57

Only had time to read the start but wanted to say I think he is just being honest about his feelings. He feels his family is incomplete when his son is not there and I think that is how I would feel if I were him and how you would probably feel if your child lived elsewhere if you are honest with yourself. It doesn't mean you and the child you have together are not enough for him or less important than his DS. It is just that he has a child that he is mostly not with and it is ok for him to say he wishes his whole family lived together. I really can't imagine how I would feel about having one of my DC eow. I love all my DC but would not feel like my family was complete if one lived elsewhere unless they had moved as an adult. I don't think feeling this way means he values you any less. He probably appreciates you and your child more because he knows how it feels to not have his child.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 19:26

It doesn't mean you and the child you have together are not enough for him or less important than his DS.

Why is he treating them like that, then, which was made plain in OPs later posts.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2022 19:27

Assuming all children are safe and well he needs to sort himself out. My dad used to take my brother away on trips to watch football, if my mum had spent that time telling me how she might as well not be here as it was just me I'd have been devastated. Even if she did miss him it would have been horrible to have made me feel like I wasn't enough for her in that moment

Exactly! It's simply not an acceptable message to send to your other children. By all means miss them but anything like this is taking it way too far.

DownToTheSeaAgain · 14/04/2022 19:40

I think it might help to be more actively supportive of the way he feels. Rather than saying 'what you say makes me sad' say 'I really understand why you are sad - I love DSS very much too and he's such a big part of our lives'.
Perhaps acknowledging the feeling more would help your DH put it in perspective and cope with it better.

Starseeking · 14/04/2022 20:23

No one is expecting the DH not to miss his DC when they're not there. Of course he feels it, as any of us would. The issue is the impression that he is giving the OP and their joint DC about the time when it's just them.

  • Organising work only around the non-resident DC
  • Not wanting to stay home if it's not non-resident DC birthday
  • Wanting to postpone resident DC birthday until non-resident DC arrives

I bet the DH goes around the house with a long face as well, all woe is me...ask me how I know Hmm

Honestly this stuff is ridiculous, and infinitely damaging for resident DC as well as non-resident DC, who is made to feel like the golden DC. My EXDSC asked me why we'd gone to my niece's birthday party without him once (it fell on the other weekend), at the age of 9 his dad had trained him into believing we should not have gone because he wasn't there!

ALL the DC of the house need to feel they are equally valued and important. My EXDP wouldn't even take our DC to cut their hair, or to the park if it wasn't a SDC weekend. My then 3 or 4 year old (I can't remember how old he was now), started to pick up on it, and said we couldn't go to the park unless his brother was there Confused

If I ever suggested taking the DC out on a non-SDC weekend my EXDP would refuse to join us, and stay home. And yet I was the one who arranged all the fun activities on the weekends SDC was with us, including making sure he came with us on holidays...and it still wasn't enough.

Even if your DH feels like he is missing his DS, he shouldn't be going round the house making you and your DC feel less than; all of his relationships are his own doing, and for all your sakes he needs to find a way to deal with it emotionally.

SandyY2K · 14/04/2022 20:36

Telling your partner over and over again that they basically aren't enough isn't.

He hasn't said this though has he. It's how OP perceives his comments. I'm sure if DSS was they and his DS wasn't there, it wouldn't feel complete for him either.

For you, the family is complete with you him and you DS. That's not the case for him.

Whilst he doesn't need to keep saying it, SMs are encouraged to vocalise their feelings about finding SCs difficult and hard to be around... and how it's easier when they aren't around......so it goes both ways.

He's expressing his feelings. Much better than being grumpy and leaving you wondering what's going on.

His son is moving away soon, so he'll see less of him.... I'm sure that has a lot to do with his feels.

Don't put your life or that of your DS on hold when DSS isn't there. Realise that you can only control so much and focus on the things within your control or you go crazy.

I imagine once your SS is living further away, he'll feel a bit low to be gets used to it.

NotTheOW · 14/04/2022 20:43

My then 3 or 4 year old (I can't remember how old he was now), started to pick up on it, and said we couldn't go to the park unless his brother was there that's so so sad

Original poster
SteppingOutAgain · 15/04/2022 07:52

Thank you all for your replies.

He’s not a bad person by any means, I don’t think he realises he’s even doing some of it. I think, for now, I’ll just keep pointing things out casually. If things continue then I think I’ll have a proper chat with him.

I think maybe he’s not as secure with his relationship with DSS and feels he has to try extra hard (he’s not what I’d class as a Disney dad) but as DS gets older then he’s more likely to pick up on it.

I can understand what everyone is saying about being empathetic, and I am on the whole, but if he doesn’t accept the situation then he’s going to miss out on so much of life/always be a sad.

I am a bit worried about how the move will impact things although it doesn’t sound as though the contact arrangement will change for the time being.

OP posts:
nevergoesaway · 15/04/2022 08:36

“Whilst he doesn't need to keep saying it, SMs are encouraged to vocalise their feelings about finding SCs difficult and hard to be around... and how it's easier when they aren't around......so it goes both ways.”

@SandyY2K this is a really good point, I’ve seen it said a few times on here before that it’s important for a SM to be able to talk to her partner about how difficult it is to be in that situation, so it’s only fair that a dad in the OPs dh situation can also talk about his struggles.

He most definitely shouldn’t treat his other children as if they’re not as important though, imo anyway.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2022 08:48

Step parents talking to their partner's about finding the situation hard is a bit different from the parent talking to the step parent about their struggles.

The step parents struggles are something they are having to deal with for the parent's sake (making patience from the parent necessary) which is not the case in return, the balance isn't quite the same so I don't agree that it's "only fair" the parent also talk about this at length with their partner.

But regardless, the primary issue is how it translates to actions. "I miss my other DC terribly when they're not here" is completely different to "when my other DC isn't here I feel like I may as well not be too, so I'm off". The latter is not something any wife and child should ever have to listen to.

Moochio · 15/04/2022 08:54

I suppose it’s things like, he will sit and eat breakfast with us all when DSS is here but doesn’t when he’s not. The other week DSS ended up staying at his mum’s on our weekend so DH said that he may as well go into work if DSS isn’t coming. these actions and comments are bang out of order.

SoggyPaper · 15/04/2022 08:55

There’s a big difference between ‘I’m really struggling with not living with both my kids’ and ‘oh well, if the nonresident child isn’t here I may as well go to work’. One of them clearly communicates that leisure time doesn’t matter if it’s only his wife and youngest child.

The equivalent would be the SM saying something like: I think your kids are horrible. And yes, I’d be much happier if I never saw them again.

Anyone think that’s ok? But somehow ‘I may as well be at work’ is totally reasonable?

SoggyPaper · 15/04/2022 08:56

People being encouraged to share their actual feelings on here or to set boundaries is not the same as telling your partner how awful having to put up with his kids is.

And really it sometimes is truly awful.