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Step-parenting

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Original poster

H leaving stepchild in stepmother care without discussion

44 replies

Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:13

Hi all,

Married to h. Have a 4 year old ds with him and dss aged 12. The latter lives with us full time - does not see his mum and she appears to be out of U.K.

H and I are pretty much separated but living in sane property. This is due to what has been called his coercive abuse of myself and ds to an extent. H was reported to social services regarding his treatment of dss initially. H and i are not on speaking terms and barely communicate - by email unless it’s very urgent

Without telling me, h left over the weekend to return to his country of origin and decided to leave dss behind in my care without any consultation with me. I was out with ds and received an email stating that He was travelling and that he has left dss behind due to him having a tantrum. He has been vague about when he is returning.

I have said that I am happy that look after dss in his absence although being told about it after the event is not satisfactory, never mind not telling me or ds that he is going.

My intention was to visit my parents with ds this week elsewhere in the U.K. and h knew that I intended to go away this week. Given that o cannot abandon dss, I now have to rearrange my plans but h is dodging the question when I ask him…

Does anybody have any advice how to deal/address this situation? I should say that there is a significant history of h’s manipulation and control towards me but I do not want to put myself.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 11/04/2022 23:19

I'd be tempted to report to social services - I doubt they'd do anything as you are prepared to look after the boy but it might help if this becomes a longer term trip and/or as a marker to protect your ds in the future.

Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:24

@LittleOwl153- thank you, yes I contacted the social worker involved. She was copied into the email sent to me by h regarding him going away and his decision to leave dss with me

OP posts:
BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 11/04/2022 23:28

Did you adopt your step son? Because if you didnt then he has no legal guardian right now. You cant actually do anything or make decisions or give permission for things.

If his dad doesn't plan on coming back for months then that's a problem. He abandoned his child and there isnt anyone else with parental responsibility.

If he wont give a return date then maybe contact a solicitor or something to find out what you need to do.

I hope you are able to split properly from this man and get a home without him in it.

Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:33

@BeforeGodAndAllTheFish- no I do not have parental responsibility for dss. Technically I could have referred him into care but that would have been an unkind thing to do. However, I am extremely annoyed at h’s machinations here and I think this is another attempt to control me. I just don’t want to get involved in an email spat with him (he sends goady emails copying in his therapist and social worker). I am also a working mum and I have had to rearrange my plans with ds due to his behaviour

OP posts:
Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:35

H says he is returning ‘this weekend’ but I need to know when so that I can plan my visit to my parents after he has forced me to cancel

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 11/04/2022 23:45

It sounds like a mess & I feel sorry for you but also I feel sorry for DSS. He has no contact with Mum and now Dad has basically abandoned him? Awful parenting.

TEMPUSERNAME67 · 11/04/2022 23:46

That poor boy 😞

Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:47

Yes, that’s why I felt that I couldnt abandon him.,H is playing on my sense of kindness

OP posts:
Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 11/04/2022 23:48

H says that dss didn’t want to go with him, though I recognise that technically it’s still abandonment

OP posts:
NotTheOW · 12/04/2022 08:37

Oh you poor thing! He is playing on your kindness. I think you're doing absolutely the right thing getting social services involved.

EatTheToast · 12/04/2022 08:42

If your husband was reported to SS initially, I wonder if that is why the Mum isn't involved. Due to his abuse?

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 08:56

You MUST go to social services

Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 08:57

I feel dreadfully for this poor boy

IncompleteSenten · 12/04/2022 09:08

Clever of him to copy social services into his email to you.

You should still contact them and say you are separated, did not agree to this and consider it child abandonment

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 12/04/2022 09:12

Oh blimey! You've done the right thing. I wish I had some more advice but I don't know what else I would do in this situation. The DSS is very lucky to have you considering his parents have pretty much abandoned him! I really don't think an email saying he's leaving a child who's not legally your responsibility and then just going really cuts the mustard does it!

See what social services say and go from there. I would try and work towards one of you moving out as well, this can't be good for you or the children.

Taleas0ldastime · 12/04/2022 10:44

I think you've done the right thing letting social services know. Its very kind of you to keep dss. It appears that you're probably the most stable adult he has in his life right now.

Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 12/04/2022 11:25

Hi yes, I was only told after the event though he copied the world into the email re dss.
Ss involved as an outside professional was informed about h and his treatment of dss, and now they are involved also due to my concerns about his treatment of ds and his coercive c control of me.
Still thinking about whether to email and ask him when exactly he intends to return so that I can make plans. I suspect he will deliberately not say but that doesn’t reflect on him well I would think

OP posts:
Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 12/04/2022 11:27

And I had separate conversations with social services whom agree it’s out of order though has sought to justify his position by saying that both s services and his therapist knew about him going away and understood why he felt he couldn’t tell me..,which I’ve been told by both is false

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 12/04/2022 11:28

Thank goodness this boy has you. You're doing the right thing by him.

MeridianB · 12/04/2022 11:52

So shocking. You’ve done the right thing, OP.

I hope SS come down on your H like a ton of bricks.

Hopefully you and DS can move out very soon and be free of this horrible man. I feel sorry for DSS that he is abandoned by both parents and hope he gets lots of support and ideally a new home.

KylieKoKo · 12/04/2022 13:26

It is appalling that you have been put in this position. It seems like he is using the fact that you won't let you SS down to control you.

OP do you have plans to move out? I don't think you staying in this household is healthy for you or your son.

Original poster
Zanzibar999 · 12/04/2022 15:15

@KylieKoKo agree 100%.
Yes I am planning to move out/divorce. Was planning it as a long term thing but given these developments i need to go.
However I am terrified of his reaction if he has divorce proceedings served upon him. His other form of control is financial (as he earns almost x2 as much as me) so the minute that happens he will likely withdraw contribution to childcare costs snd other costs for ds (which would put me if I mentioned)We also own our home jointly which is mortgaged to the hilt

OP posts:
Heythere13 · 12/04/2022 15:25

You will be in a lot stronger position if you involve as many professional as possible
That means SS and police if he’s negligent / threatening

RedWingBoots · 13/04/2022 14:26

I noticed you are married to your DSS father so are you happy for both children to live with you? Would your DSS be happy to live with you?

Tiredtiredtired100 · 13/04/2022 20:29

Thank goodness your step son has you.

FYI, don’t move out until you have divorce finances sorted. Otherwise you could be kept on the mortgage until your son is 18 unable to force a sale as it’s the family home.