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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to work out pecking order

50 replies

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 16:37

Am struggling a bit with how to ensure everyone's needs are met in our blended household. DH and I LAT and he has two DDs. 14 yo is adorable, 15 yo is trickier but I try and put as much effort in as possible.

The problem is I often feel that I'm at the bottom of the pecking order and struggle to have my needs met very regularly. An example from this weekend was that DH was dropping me home. I've got some work and home stuff going on that the Dsd don't know about and I wanted to talk to DH about it in the car and have 20 minutes alone together. When it came to leaving Dsd announced she wanted to come for the drive. It's not a comfy car it's a 3 seat pick up and a real squash for 3! I said "would you mind not this time love, it's a real squash and I'm the wee one in the middle?" Cue eye rolling and flouncing from her and then an argument with DH which left me in tears because he said dsd was upset and I felt he hadn't had my back when I'd tried to engineer the time alone with him. So what do I do? Always bow to everyone else's needs and not have my own met? I feel like I already do quite a lot of that... How do I make everyone's needs are met including mine? Or is that a pipe dream?

Oh and I wasn't the other woman, he did have kids when I met him and I didn't know what I was getting myself into to stop all of the usual bingo

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 16:41

DP should have had your back on that one

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 16:42

It's not really about a pecking order in that instance it's more him needing to be observant and thinking why is she asking for alone time

harriethoyle · 10/04/2022 16:45

@NotTheOW

It's not really about a pecking order in that instance it's more him needing to be observant and thinking why is she asking for alone time

A) I absolutely LOVE your user name @NotTheOW

B) I agree with this. Sounds like your DH dropped the ball.

Vsirbdo · 10/04/2022 16:46

I’m a good few years into being a step parent and we have DC together and I still don’t know the answer to how you get the balance to be honest. What I do know is that you can’t always put yourself last, I learnt this from my DH who certainly doesn’t and I also accept that children will always be outraged at some level by it as children are generally quite self centred; it’s not their fault it’s just how children are.
DH and I have talked about this a few times; generally it comes down to if it’s actually important to me or DH and isn’t actively detrimental to the DC then we get to put ourselves first.
In the example you describe you should have been able to put yourself first as it was important to you and not really important for your DSD to join you.

MissM2912 · 10/04/2022 16:53

Why did you not just tell her you need to speak to her dad privately but she could come next time

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 16:56

You are completely in the right but why are you the one squashed in the middle anyway?

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 17:02

@HollowTalk

You are completely in the right but why are you the one squashed in the middle anyway?

Oh because I'm a short arse and she's 5 foot 9! 😂 I don't mind that tbh

OP posts:

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 17:03

@MissM2912

Why did you not just tell her you need to speak to her dad privately but she could come next time

I thought that would make a bigger deal of it tbh. Maybe I should have.

OP posts:

MissM2912 · 10/04/2022 17:04

I think best just to be honest in a nice way. Teenagers can see through made up stories.

Rotherweird · 10/04/2022 17:06

@MissM2912

Why did you not just tell her you need to speak to her dad privately but she could come next time

This is a good suggestion for next time - it is good to for your DSDs to see you being clear about what you need and why. Agree that your DP should have had your back. You are right to make sure that you don't always come last - that's not good for anybody, especially you! xx

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 17:07

@Vsirbdo I also accept that children will always be outraged at some level by it as children are generally quite self centred; it’s not their fault it’s just how children are.

I wholeheartedly agree with this!🙈

Does anyone have any suggestions how to raise this with my DH? It's done now but I really would like to avoid this kind of rumpus in the future...

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 10/04/2022 17:11

@MissM2912

Why did you not just tell her you need to speak to her dad privately but she could come next time

That would ring all sorts of alarm bells for a teenager!

Perhaps say that you need a long chat with your husband because you've got a problem at work with the software or something like that, that you know she'd be bored with.

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 17:12

I also know it would go straight back to her mum who would try and create drama... 🙄

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 10/04/2022 17:37

I don't think you're wrong to want some time alone to talk with your DB, but you're wrong to expect him and his daughter to be mind readers. Unless you tell them, how could they know?

The reality is, however, that you absolutely have to accept that your DB's children are, and will always be, his first priority. That's just the way it goes.

MissStarry · 10/04/2022 17:42

I’d have just said no. If you don’t stand up for yourself, who will?

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 18:05

@mrsm43s

I don't think you're wrong to want some time alone to talk with your DB, but you're wrong to expect him and his daughter to be mind readers. Unless you tell them, how could they know?

The reality is, however, that you absolutely have to accept that your DB's children are, and will always be, his first priority. That's just the way it goes.

Say OP had injured herself and was bleeding out her leg but DSC needed help with maths homework her DH would be completely in the wrong to prioritise his DC in that instance. It's about balancing needs.

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 18:05

@Wi11liwonka

I also know it would go straight back to her mum who would try and create drama... 🙄

Screw mum. This isn't her household. She can back right off.

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 18:06

@mrsm43s

I don't think you're wrong to want some time alone to talk with your DB, but you're wrong to expect him and his daughter to be mind readers. Unless you tell them, how could they know?

The reality is, however, that you absolutely have to accept that your DB's children are, and will always be, his first priority. That's just the way it goes.

You see, I don't agree with that take on priorities. I think, at different times, we all need to be prioritised according to need 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 18:07

Could you have a code word? Something like "I might need to nip by the shop and pick up some peanuts" or something not too obviously code

NotTheOW · 10/04/2022 18:07

@Wi11liwonka I think thats absolutely the right way of looking at it.

mrsm43s · 10/04/2022 18:31

You see, I don't agree with that take on priorities. I think, at different times, we all need to be prioritised according to need 🤷🏻‍♀️

Right. But you didn't explain what your greater need was, or alert him to it in any way. In the absence of that, when its a simple choice of my DD wants to come v my girlfriend doesn't want my DD to come, then it was absolutely right for him to support his DD, because she is his priority when needs are (or appear to be) equal.

As an adult, if your needs were greater, then you need to communicate that, or expect to be behind his children in the priority order.

Original poster

Wi11liwonka · 10/04/2022 18:33

@mrsm43s I'm married to my DH. I'm not his girlfriend nor a recent addition.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 10/04/2022 18:50

[quote Wi11liwonka]@mrsm43s I'm married to my DH. I'm not his girlfriend nor a recent addition.[/quote]
Apologies, I had actually missed that.

I still think that all things being equal, the children's wants and needs will trump yours. It's up to you to communicate if you need some extra support.

I'm married in a traditional set up, and all things being equal, my DH's needs come secondary to our DC's. The only difference is that we both feel like this, and we both want our DC's needs to be prioritised, because our DC are the most important people in the world to both of us, so there's no conflicting priorities.

Your DH obviously feels like my DH and I feel about our children. You, quite understandably, don't, as they aren't your children.

tiggergoesbounce · 10/04/2022 19:12

I do have to slightly agree with mrsm43s.

Your DHs children should be his first priority in most emotional/physical needs situations. (Not their homework if your leg is hanging off as a PP mentioned 🙄)

Do they live with him or does he have them every weekend, halfy halfy time. Im just thinking if they dont have access all the time, she may be missing her dad and she wanted some
one on one time with her dad on the journey back or feel included in what was happening or anything really, but at that age its hard for them to express or articulate their feelings. It appeared that you told her (nicely) that she would make your journey uncomfortable, this time,so cant go.

Of course your needs must be met, but they are children and less mature emotionally, so you do sort of take a back seat where children are concerened and maybe find your time together when they are in bed or at thier mums house.

Starseeking · 10/04/2022 19:34

In this scenario, you should have said something like "Maybe next time, your dad and I need to talk about a couple of things". She's old enough to have understood that, and it would have kept it light, instead of what you said, which sounded like you just didn't want her there. From an outside perspective, I can see why she was upset.

It's easy to be clever after the event though, as I found out to my own cost when I was a DSM. I always tried to be like an aunt to my DSS, so always pleasant, but firm when necessary, as I would with my nieces and nephews. My EXDP would still accuse me of hating his DS or wanting him out of the picture, so what do I know?!?

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