How to work out pecking order

[Wi11liwonka]

Am struggling a bit with how to ensure everyone's needs are met in our blended household. DH and I LAT and he has two DDs. 14 yo is adorable, 15 yo is trickier but I try and put as much effort in as possible.

The problem is I often feel that I'm at the bottom of the pecking order and struggle to have my needs met very regularly. An example from this weekend was that DH was dropping me home. I've got some work and home stuff going on that the Dsd don't know about and I wanted to talk to DH about it in the car and have 20 minutes alone together. When it came to leaving Dsd announced she wanted to come for the drive. It's not a comfy car it's a 3 seat pick up and a real squash for 3! I said "would you mind not this time love, it's a real squash and I'm the wee one in the middle?" Cue eye rolling and flouncing from her and then an argument with DH which left me in tears because he said dsd was upset and I felt he hadn't had my back when I'd tried to engineer the time alone with him. So what do I do? Always bow to everyone else's needs and not have my own met? I feel like I already do quite a lot of that... How do I make everyone's needs are met including mine? Or is that a pipe dream?

Oh and I wasn't the other woman, he did have kids when I met him and I didn't know what I was getting myself into to stop all of the usual bingo

@tiggergoesbounce they're pretty equally between their parents. I don't go through mid week as a rule so they get time with their dad without me which I think is really important. DH married me, they didn't it's one of the reasons we LAT for now...

@Starseeking I wish there was an instruction manual!

@Wi11liwonka yes i agree at different times we all need to be prioritised
I think on here you see a lot saying always kids and whilst on a lot of occasions I would put them first other times it will be dh first or even someone else depending on need etc

What does LAT mean ?

I think if you had said “ I need done tube alone with your dad to discuss fine private stuff and it’s the only chance we will get” then he would have known and she might have accepted it. Or he could have put her off if not.
I have found that for me a part of getting my needs met is being up front about having needs .
This is very scary as I don’t want to put my head above the parapet, and I see myself myself as a private person. Actually I’ve discovered that part of this desire for privacy is shame about having needs.
This might totally be me and you can’t relate at all.

@worriedatthistime LAT means living apart together. We don't permanently cohabit despite being married. I can't move because of my job and it's too much disruption for the girls for DH to move to where I live at the moment. Once they're both through GCSE's, we'll reassess.

@Ohyesiam that definitely resonates. I'm also really keen to make life as easy as possible for DH and the kids so things are as smooth as possible there. Which often means I put myself second/third/last 🙈 and that's something I need to work on I think

Sorry OP but I think it is a pipe dream, our ‘blended family’ only ever works if I commit to never having any of my needs met. Ever. I try and get on with it but occasionally it bubbles up and there is a row before it all settles down again and perpetuates. I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone who’s not the father of my kids but if I ever was, I’d put my kids first but also make an effort to be fair to the person I was in a relationship with to give them priority on some occasions, if I didn’t think I could do that ;which I’m not sure I could) I just wouldn’t get involved so nobody is made to feel like I do.

The scenario you outlined with the car journey is exactly the sort of thing that happens here habitually and I’ve learnt not to expect anything different to the outcome you got so I just wouldn’t bother asking.

"I don't think you're wrong to want some time alone to talk with your DB, but you're wrong to expect him and his daughter to be mind readers. Unless you tell them, how could they know?"

This

Have you considered that maybe your DSD wanted some alone time with her Dad on the return part of the journey?

Maybe she had something she needed to speak to him about privately? Often kids open up to their parents in the car, I think it's something to do with not having to look them in the face while talking.

I know that doesn't resolve the pecking order issue, but essentially your DSD could have been in exactly the same position as you and wanting the same thing, so that could help you understand her motives more (& potentially why your DH agreed as he knows she likes to talk in the car?)

know that doesn't resolve the pecking order issue, but essentially your DSD could have been in exactly the same position as you and wanting the same thing, so that could help you understand her motives more (& potentially why your DH agreed as he knows she likes to talk in the car?)

^ I was thinking this too.

Also, although you describe yourself as a blended family it doesn't sound very blended in that you can't just clearly articulate to a a girl of this age you'd like to talk to her Dad about some work issue rather than say you don't want to squished in the car.

Also, although you describe yourself as a blended family it doesn't sound very blended in that you can't just clearly articulate to a a girl of this age you'd like to talk to her Dad about some work issue rather than say you don't want to squished in the car.

Blending is a process. It's slow. When you try to speed it up it gets messy. Inevitably, life intervenes, and you're forced to make uncomfortable compromises. There is no one solution - try one way, get one set of problems, try another, get a different set!

I agree that thei issue came from lack of communication on your part. You should have told your DH that you wanted to talk him about matters before it became clear she wanted to come.

Even if that was missed because there were no signs at all that she was going to ask, you just needed to say that you had some important boring matter to discuss with her dad and you'd waited for this time to discuss it.

Also agree that teens will sulk when they don't get what they want. It's nothing to do with pecking order or step families.

I'm sorry but I think if You want 'Alone' time it should be done when your DH does not have his dd's. Maybe his dd wanted some 'alone' time with her Dad.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

I'm sorry but I think if You want 'Alone' time it should be done when your DH does not have his dd's. Maybe his dd wanted some 'alone' time with her Dad.

His daughter wanted 'alone' time with her dad while dad was driving her stepmum home? How would that have worked? Put OP in the boot?

Don't be ridiculous fgs.

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Don't be ridiculous fgs.

Coming from someone who suggests a married woman is unreasonable for wanting alone time with her husband while his kids are there?

His daughter wanted 'alone' time with her dad while dad was driving her stepmum home? How would that have worked? Put OP in the boot?

This is amazing.

I see the first wives club has descended overnight, as per!

@harriethoyle

His daughter wanted 'alone' time with her dad while dad was driving her stepmum home? How would that have worked? Put OP in the boot?

This is amazing.

I see the first wives club has descended overnight, as per!

I am a step mother and I stand by what I said. If op wants alone time with her dh it should not be when his dd's are there, i'm sure she has plenty opportunity. All this talk of 'pecking order' is ridiculous, that is not how families work.

And no need for people to act thick, my comment was quite clear maybe the dd wanted alone time with her dad in the car after dropping op off.

I don't think there is a "pecking order" in healthy family set ups. When DSDs are here we are all considerate of each others needs.

I'm sorry but I think if You want 'Alone' time it should be done when your DH does not have his dd's. Maybe his dd wanted some 'alone' time with her Dad.

I find this statement very weird. It sets up the idea that the Step parents are somehow in competition with step parents and love for one takes away from love from the other which is a very unhealthy dynamic for a family.

I am a step mother and I stand by what I said. If op wants alone time with her dh it should not be when his dd's are there

@ZeroFuchsGiven do you also believe that if his DD wants a private chat with her father when she is at her mum's that her dad should ignore her and wait for her time with him?

I am always DP's partner and his daughters are always his children. We don't take turns...

His daughter wanted 'alone' time with her dad while dad was driving her stepmum home? How would that have worked? Put OP in the boot?
And here comes the sarcasm. it's obvious the poster meant on the way back. Come on!

Lordy sake.

People are conflating want and need again. DSD wanted to come for a ride in the car (totally ok) OP needed to speak to DH privately.

All children's needs should be met as a priority. All their wants cannot feasibly be met - my DD had a strop because I wouldn't let her have a pet giraffe 🦒.

I had to say no, she got upset which is ok, and frankly good for children to know there are boundaries. If you had heard her though you would have thought I had told her she was living under the stairs.

OP probably should have been clearer about her need with DH. DH should be aware that succumbing to every want of a child, is incredibly bad for them in long term even if makes him feel good in the short term.

In nuclear families it's the parents then the kids. In some blended families children are put in same power as adults due to guilt. That's unhealthily for the children as they are children not adults.

@vivainsomnia

I agree that thei issue came from lack of communication on your part. You should have told your DH that you wanted to talk him about matters before it became clear she wanted to come.

Even if that was missed because there were no signs at all that she was going to ask, you just needed to say that you had some important boring matter to discuss with her dad and you'd waited for this time to discuss it.

Also agree that teens will sulk when they don't get what they want. It's nothing to do with pecking order or step families.

Agree with all this.

Sorry but it sounds pretty dysfunctional anyway. You don't even live together. The kids will think that means you aren't a proper couple so will seek to exploit that. I would suggest that you need to really work out what you want, running off home to avoid dealing with step kids seems weird

My husband tends to take things exactly at face value and not understand hints. If this situation had happened in our family, I would have had to make what I wanted more clear. A code phrase sounds like a good idea for an adults only conversation, if you think one is necessary.