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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepdaughter doesn't apologise/show remorse.

47 replies

fireburnsbright · 09/04/2022 18:07

Looking for some advice/support from other stepmums in how to cope with something that's caused me some upset over the years that I'm finding it a bit harder to deal with. I realise this seems a very small problem compared some of the issues some of you have to deal with but I'd still be grateful for some help.
My SD is 22 and lives part with us (it is her dad's home and I moved here 8 years ago) and part with her mum. Her boyfriend lives with her and moves between houses too. We've had various ups and downs over the years as expected and lockdown was particularly hard as she was here the whole time and did nothing to contribute and then we had a fall out after she sent me horrible messages saying how I wasn't doing enough to keep the house clean. (despite me working four days a week and looking after two young children too) Anyway we got over this after a discussion but she didn't apologise for the messages she sent which I was very upset by at the time. Despite this since then our relationship has been fine and we have all been getting on well.
There have been many many incidents over the years I've been upset by her behaviour when in retrospect she hasn't apologised. Lying and stealing things off me for example some years ago and other issues over the years.

In the last week I got home from work and she'd left the gas fire on, the front door wide open (with my car on the front drive and car keys clearly visible near the front door) It had been like this for two hours before I got home. When I messaged her she just ignored me and only apologised to her dad later that day when he asked her about it (he was away at the time)

Last week also I realised practically all of the towels in the house had disappeared from the house. I messaged her to ask if she had taken them to her mums. She denied this. Then suddenly a few days later all of the towels start to appear again. Again no apology, just nothing.
These are just small examples obviously from recently, there are many many more from over the years. I would never get angry at her for making a mistake such as leaving the door open as everyone makes mistakes at times and she can be quite easily distracted. The thing that upsets me that I'm starting to find harder to deal with is the lack of apology. She has literally never apologised for anything, not once, ever. I'm perhaps taking it quite personally as surely if you upset someone or do something wrong you just apologise and then that's it? Isn't it reasonable to expect by the age of 22 that someone should do this?

Obviously I could just talk to her and say 'I think you need to apologise' but then it wouldn't feel very sincere! Just wondering about the best way of dealing with this or any advice from anyone that's been in a similar situation

OP posts:

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OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 18:12

She needs to move out she has zero respect for you and your property. You wouldn't accept this behaviour from anyone else.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 18:12

Your DH shouldn't be putting up with it

PriestessofPing · 09/04/2022 18:15

This sounds horrible and like she’s gotten used to treating you with zero respect. Are the two young children her half siblings? How does she get on with them? Why is her father allowing her to behave like this and treat you like shit? Sounds like he indulges her or has given few boundaries. Does she treat him like crap too?

She’s grown up now not a teenager and she needs to start taking responsibility.

aSofaNearYou · 09/04/2022 18:16

I remember your last thread and tbh she is an awful little madame. By rights she needs to move out as she's very disrespectful. What does her dad say about it all?

RandomMess · 09/04/2022 18:22

You have a DH problem, why does he think her behaviour is acceptable?

MissyB1 · 09/04/2022 18:24

Christ knows why you tolerate this crap. Why have you never confronted her about the lack of apologies? The open front door thing, if she ignored the txt I would have followed it up face to face with her. I would do that every single time she thinks she can behave how she likes, just call it out (but calmly) face to face. If there’s no apology then ask for one. Doesn’t matter if it’s genuine or not, it’s about her having to acknowledge she’s in the wrong.
And if your dp doesn’t like it he can lump it.

Easterisoffeggstooexpensive · 09/04/2022 18:26

In her eyes you are the unpaid help. Your dh needs to start parenting his dc.
Or risk your relationship..

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 18:27

@Easterisoffeggstooexpensive

In her eyes you are the unpaid help. Your dh needs to start parenting his dc. Or risk your relationship..

I think its a bit late for that she's a 22 year old adult

IceVolcanoes · 09/04/2022 18:32

She’s 22 and still moving between her parents houses like it’s a contact arrangement for a little child? With her boyfriend who lives with her?

Why?

Then there’s the lack of care about security, safety or other people’s belongings. She’s 22. More than old enough to turn the fire off and ensure the house is properly secure when she leaves.

And then there’s how she treats you.

I’d be having words with my husband about quite how unacceptable the situation has become.

Bananarama21 · 09/04/2022 18:36

She needs go have a base no moving between the houses at that age and with her boyfriend aswell. She needs to grow up and show some respect

FairyCakeWings · 09/04/2022 18:41

There have been many many incidents over the years I've been upset by her behaviour when in retrospect she hasn't apologised. Lying and stealing things off me for example some years ago and other issues over the years.

If you’re expecting her to apologise for her teenage mistakes then you’re being very unfair to her and expecting too much. This expectation seems to be clouding how you feel about the issues now. Clearly she shouldn’t be sneaking towels away, but she probably doesn’t see it as that huge an issue seeing as she’s never run her own house yet.

You need to separate issues now from things that happened when she was still a child. And remember that you moved onto her home, she was never going to accept that without any issue.

aSofaNearYou · 09/04/2022 18:47

@FairyCakeWings SD has treated OP dreadfully much more recently than her teenage years, her previous thread attests to that.

And her moving into her home at her dad's request is not an excuse for that.

Finallylostit · 09/04/2022 18:48

Time for her to move out OP.

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 18:48

Can DH give her a deposit for her own flat?

OutingHobby · 09/04/2022 18:49

Sounds like renting somewhere on her own might genuinely be good for her

Greensleeves · 09/04/2022 18:51

Difficult. I wouldn't throw my own 22yo out for this sort of behaviour, but I would challenge it robustly, every time, and insist on house rules and basic respect.

Your DH needs to be the one pulling her up, consistently, and making sure that she treats you and the home with respect. He has the right (in my opinion) to refuse to ask his daughter to move out (nobody would induce me to throw one of my dc out of our home if I didn't want to) but he needs to back that up by being her father and your husband, not sitting back and letting you deal with unnecessary stress.

If one of mine, adult or not, failed to apologise when obviously in the wrong, they would hear about it - DH needs to be doing that!

Georgeskitchen · 09/04/2022 18:53

She's 22 not 12. Tell DH his precious daughter needs to go.......or you will

Original poster

fireburnsbright · 09/04/2022 19:01

@aSofaNearYou Thank you yes I posted previously but I've used a different name as I found some of the replies last time difficult to deal with. I have since realised though these are fairly standard for this site. A lot of the replies were very helpful before and my relationship with my SD was a lot better. My husband will rant at her when she does something wrong but he doesn't do anything that brings about any kind of behavioural change.

OP posts:

Original poster

fireburnsbright · 09/04/2022 19:05

@FairyCakeWings Yes this is exactly why I'm posting. I have coped with the lack of apologising etc for years as accepted that when she was a child I had moved into her home/she was young/had a lot of resentment etc. However things have moved on significantly since then, she is now an adult, her life is a lot more settled and I'm not expecting her to apologise for her teenage mistakes, I'm expecting her to apologise for her mistakes now.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 09/04/2022 20:28

OP, it’s a miracle you have put up with this for so long. She sounds dreadful. And with a boyfriend in tow?!

Time for your DH to take responsibility for this situation. I’d definitely be giving him an ultimatum with a hard deadline attached to it. You deserve better.

Dollyparton3 · 10/04/2022 07:33

OP we have one of these and there's no easy win here I'm afraid. In our case SD has never ever had a consequence for anything, her mum and Dad Disney parented her. When I stepped in on a subject I was treated as disposable to SD.

In her view she's been there for 21 years and I've only been here for 8 so she should have priority: having been through a divorce (years before I knew him) she thinks that she is the most important opinion in the world to him and I'll disappear if she threatens him enough.

She told him that he doesn't love her enough because he took her to task on something involving our home and the way she treated me. To say she flew off the handle is an understatement.

In our case I've not spoken with SD for over a year and don't intend to in the future. It's been made very clear that she's not welcome in our home without a very sincere apology to me. Clue: it's never going to happen.I however feel much more relaxed knowing that she isn't able to bully me anymore.

Treating your home with this level of disrespect is indicative of a similarly entitled character unfortunately and it's lose:lose for you but it's time you and your DH have a long talk about actions and consequences for her. We knew that SD would continue forever to disregard our feelings on respect and security and is incapable of empathy or apology. That's when we had to decide what the consequences were for her behaviour. It's the only language they understand and it's VERY important for your marriage.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 10/04/2022 07:43

If she's never apologised… have either of her parents ever sat her down and explained what apologies are, how they work, and why they can be necessary/helpful? I only ask because I was embarrassingly old before I understood why people apologise for things (I won't go into detail as to why the concept didn't make sense to me, I'll just say that I'm autistic so these things are presumably processed a little differently). I'm not suggesting she's autistic, as there's pretty much nothing in your post pointing either towards or away from autism — what I am saying is that while most people seem to easily understand the benefits of apologising, other people don't get there so easily. Trouble is, she's a bit old for that kind of thing now, but perhaps it's vaguely possible that a very explicit spelling-out of why it's a good thing to do, that can benefit you in the long term via improved relationships, would help? From her dad, not you. I also understand from previous posts that this is only a small component of a bigger problem, but, well. This is only my perspective on the specific thing you posted about.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 10/04/2022 07:46

Hm… have just read it again for the third or fourth time, and the fact that she does apologise to her dad has finally sunk in for me. So it's not that she doesn't see the utility of apologies at all.

Polyanthus2 · 10/04/2022 08:01

Seems like she is still punishing you for the marriage break up.

I'm surprised she lets' the bf see what a childish prat she is.

Leaving the door open is not on.

How soon can she afford to leave home.

Also is the bf going to be long term? What a useless lump he must be to move between his gf's parents homes.

I think your DH should start pressing her for a financial contribution including paying for cleaners. Make her life less comfortable there. Does the Bf work?

Snazzyjazzpants · 10/04/2022 08:19

I can't get past a couple in their twenties flitting between two parental homes. I'd be very tempted to leave and let your DH figure it out.
Would he agree to sell the house and move elsewhere less convenient to her? It sounds like your DH felt guilty about the divorce and never parented her, just let her rule the roost.
Do she and her partner work? They need to get their own place and grow up.

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