Stepdaughter doesn't apologise/show remorse.

[fireburnsbright]

Looking for some advice/support from other stepmums in how to cope with something that's caused me some upset over the years that I'm finding it a bit harder to deal with. I realise this seems a very small problem compared some of the issues some of you have to deal with but I'd still be grateful for some help.
My SD is 22 and lives part with us (it is her dad's home and I moved here 8 years ago) and part with her mum. Her boyfriend lives with her and moves between houses too. We've had various ups and downs over the years as expected and lockdown was particularly hard as she was here the whole time and did nothing to contribute and then we had a fall out after she sent me horrible messages saying how I wasn't doing enough to keep the house clean. (despite me working four days a week and looking after two young children too) Anyway we got over this after a discussion but she didn't apologise for the messages she sent which I was very upset by at the time. Despite this since then our relationship has been fine and we have all been getting on well.
There have been many many incidents over the years I've been upset by her behaviour when in retrospect she hasn't apologised. Lying and stealing things off me for example some years ago and other issues over the years.

In the last week I got home from work and she'd left the gas fire on, the front door wide open (with my car on the front drive and car keys clearly visible near the front door) It had been like this for two hours before I got home. When I messaged her she just ignored me and only apologised to her dad later that day when he asked her about it (he was away at the time)

Last week also I realised practically all of the towels in the house had disappeared from the house. I messaged her to ask if she had taken them to her mums. She denied this. Then suddenly a few days later all of the towels start to appear again. Again no apology, just nothing.
These are just small examples obviously from recently, there are many many more from over the years. I would never get angry at her for making a mistake such as leaving the door open as everyone makes mistakes at times and she can be quite easily distracted. The thing that upsets me that I'm starting to find harder to deal with is the lack of apology. She has literally never apologised for anything, not once, ever. I'm perhaps taking it quite personally as surely if you upset someone or do something wrong you just apologise and then that's it? Isn't it reasonable to expect by the age of 22 that someone should do this?

Obviously I could just talk to her and say 'I think you need to apologise' but then it wouldn't feel very sincere! Just wondering about the best way of dealing with this or any advice from anyone that's been in a similar situation

She isn't going to change. Why would she? It's working perfectly for her at the moment.

You need to kick her out. Basically she abuses you and you tolerate it.

Yes that sounds awful. She's 22 and has a boyfriend so no matter what the dissolution of her parents' marriage was like for her, she has choices now with regard to accommodation and she's choosing to live with you.

Leaving the fire on and the front door open and your car at risk of being stolen is awful. Most people would FEEL terrible.

I think I would ask your partner to give them 6 months to sort something out and then if he will not support you.............. think about that. He expects you to put up wiht being disrespected forever.

I'm not a stepmum btw, I'm a single parent! But I want my own DC to move out eventually! And in your situation, it would really hurt me that my partner didn't put his foot down. She's not a child anymore. With her bf she could find a place of her own, so at this point as an adult she's choosing to save money and has so little gratitude for the jammy situation that that is that she can't even fake respect for you.

[quote fireburnsbright]@aSofaNearYou Thank you yes I posted previously but I've used a different name as I found some of the replies last time difficult to deal with. I have since realised though these are fairly standard for this site. A lot of the replies were very helpful before and my relationship with my SD was a lot better. My husband will rant at her when she does something wrong but he doesn't do anything that brings about any kind of behavioural change.[/quote]
My husband will rant at her when she does something wrong but he doesn't do anything that brings about any kind of behavioural change.

What would you like him to do?

@Dollyparton3
Thank you this sounds very similar. I feel like I’ve accepted her behaviour over the years to try to maintain the relationship and family as similar to you mentioned when I did challenge her once after she’d done something that definitely needed it, her reaction was so hysterical I couldn’t comprehend it. Rather than just apologise she left for her mums for the week and it was all everybody else’s fault but not hers, creating a big family upset. That behaviour made me realise why I’d been so cautious about challenging things before! But now I’ve realised she is an adult and it’s important these behaviours are challenged so that she knows how to treat people. It sounds like you must have had a really hard time, I can completely understand what you’ve been through.

Her boyfriend is lovely. He works very hard. He’s genuinely a really nice guy but they are moving between houses essentially saving money for their own place. He pays a small amount of rent. My husband will definitely give them money towards a house deposit but they’re not in a position to get a mortgage yet as SD is doing a part time uni degree.

I know things will be better once they have their own place so in a way it’s just biding time until then.
@SpaceshiptoMars. I’m not really sure what my husband could do now. I feel a lot of this is due unfortunately to his parenting. But I do think he needs to encourage her to have more respect for other people. I think being a stepparent is very hard and it’s particularly hard if you don’t have the full support of your partner.

Very very similar. I've witnessed the absolute hysterical responses before to very average requests and it's enlightening when you can stand back and watch it from 5 paces away. Lots of noise and rage, no tears but a very out of context response which is levelled at DH for maximum impact.

SD in our case is without question a horrible person. I would go as far as to say she's abusive to all of her family and everything in her life is conditional on what's in it for her. I've watched her explode with rage before because her dad bought himself a nice shower gel.

She spent years withdrawing contact from him for the smallest thing then laid into him years later for not going to visit her often enough. I mean we'd bought her a car and gave her an allowance but it was all on him to make the effort.

The thing is that SD has no conscience whatsoever. She's always been allowed to get away with a queen bee persona, now it's really telling that she's graduating and won't put herself forward for any jobs. I suspect that she can't handle the fear of rejection for anything. She will without doubt fail to launch from her mums house.

I'm sad for DH that for the foreseeable he's having to travel to visit SD outside of our home, in suspect that not much will change until she has a home and responsibilities of her own but we're potentially a decade away from that with no desire to work or move out.

I have a SD very like this. No remorse, no empathy and an abusive bully. I haven't spoken to her for two years. It's joyful. Herself and her dad can have a relationship away from our home.

Insist she apologises
Charge her rent
Expect her to cook, clean

Or apply consequences

I have a SD very like this (she’s now amidst 17).

She has no empathy for anyone, no remorse and I would say she’s a bit of a bully. I’ve watched her smerk, be rude to people and extremely cruel. Her dad picked her up on the behaviour and she now refuses to come. My OH tells me she is exactly like her mum, who treats her like her best friend.

Her grandfather was in hospital recently and she was asked to thank him for a recent birthday present & the Christmas presents she’s received. She refused. Her grandfather then died & she still refuses to speak to anyone. I’ve actually wondered if she has some special needs.

I haven't spoken to her for 18 months (she’s cut me & her dad off). The relief that I don’t have to put up her & her trying to bullying me is immense.

When she’s ready (in her words) to have a reaction with her dad, the can do that outside our home. I’m done.

In your case - she’s 22. If she can’t be respectful then she doesn’t get the pleasure of staying in your home

I wouldn’t have her in the house. She sounds awful and her casual approach to basic safety in a home with other people including young children is shocking. I would die on this hill with pleasure for the sake of my sanity, my marriage, my young child’s safety. Enough is fucking enough. She’s an adult, she needs to start behaving like one.

@Dollyparton3 it sounds like your SD has some narcissistic traits? I feel at times my SD does. Then I think maybe I'm being unkind, then I hear her ranting at her dad about someone and I change my mind again.

Maybe a lot of the children mentioned above do and that's why they are so hard to deal with/their behaviour so hard to understand.
It's hard to deal with emotionally so I'm grateful being able to have a vent on here.

www.parents.com/kids/development/behavioral/how-to-know-if-your-kid-is-a-narcissist-and-what-to-do-about-it/

I think I'm just more upset as we had been getting on so much better but obviously you can see certain behaviours are still there and yes things aren't going to get better until she gets her own place. But I'm going to make sure I call things out from now.

Without a shadow of a doubt. The DARVO is strong with this one. She's always the victim if anyone dares to stand up to her. She's even told EVERYONE who will listen what an evil step mother I am and has posted on social media calling me a narcissist. I grey rocked everything and cut all social media contact with her.

DH and I were talking last night about the contrast between SS and SD. SS is soft as anything and still stays with us regularly despite him being an adult too. He's coming on holiday with us later this year, there's so many things that SD is now starting to miss out on because she won't back down or apologise but that's her choice.

DARVO - I’ve never heard that term before but that is exactly what my SD does too. On the rare occasion that I’ve (gently) challenged her all I’ve had is lies that she’s not responsible for various reasons and she goes into full on attack at my husband by text about how no one does enough for her etc. It’s not just me she does this to though she does it to him too and to her mum (who fortunately is a nice lady) Next time this happens I’ll show him some articles about this as I didn’t realise this type of behaviour actually had a formal description. It actually made me shiver a bit reading about it.

I think someone very helpful on here introduced me to DARVO. It's strange but the minute you've got your first label it helps with further reading and to disconnect from it slightly. I hope it helps you as well

An apology sounds like the last thing you should be worried about OP. She sounds like a nightmare and you are a saint.

What would happen if you absolutely lost your shit at her?

Called her a disgraceful embarrassment that's failing at life and you're embarrassed to even know her. That she is not to step foot in your house again.

I would honestly be threatening divorce over this.

@AskingforaBaskin

What would happen if you absolutely lost your shit at her?

Called her a disgraceful embarrassment that's failing at life and you're embarrassed to even know her. That she is not to step foot in your house again.

I would honestly be threatening divorce over this.

The entire world would decide you were definitely an evil stepmother.

@AskingforaBaskin

What would happen if you absolutely lost your shit at her?

Called her a disgraceful embarrassment that's failing at life and you're embarrassed to even know her. That she is not to step foot in your house again.

I would honestly be threatening divorce over this.

It's not entirely that straightforward though. I know that my DH is a brilliant man that has to navigate the complexity of a SD who has been raised under very deep battling circumstances with an ex and extended family who have overcompensated for their situation.

In our case the ex has without question used parental alienation since the age of SD being 7 to whack DH, SD has learned from that maternal guidance that men are not human but a bargaining chip.

I'm not saying that this situation is the same but the SD seems to have a sense of entitlement which is at odds to the rest of the world. It's not a question of divorce, more of working out as a couple how to navigate this with everyone involved giving and taking a little to keep their sanity.

I say that with full knowledge that the SD in our situation will scream the family down at the tiniest suggestion that anyone else other than her matters and that is the headf**k here.

I've lost my shit many a time (in my head, in the middle of the night and regularly during the middle of a lovely family weekend but mostly at the wall, think Shirley Valentine) ultimately when your home is left open to burglary or even targeting from people you don't know it's serious chats time.

But ironically it's still a balancing act. These works of walking perfection and entitlement demand that the word dances to their tune and it's the people left in their wake that need to mop up behind them. Leaving nearly a decade long relationship only massages the power complex of a SD who wants to welly control at her dad but in 10 years won't have the empathy to check in on her dad who's single, alone and miserable.

Strategy and discussion is surely a better response to the problem.

Just coming to say that I don't have a DAVRO as a child or step child but one that's a close family member and I feel deeply sorry for anyone she works with, her partner and any "friends" she has (many don't last long as she cycles through people.) hideous and if I was a stronger person I would cut her off alas, I am often flitting between NC and LC and even then honestly I wouldn't recommend.

Narc rage is real though and at its heart a personality disorder that can never due their condition be one that's solved (even with years worth of therapy it can only be managed.. even then).

Part of my only advice is that wine is helpful and don't try to understand or rationalise the behaviour, it will lead you to some dark places. You need boundaries of iron also... you have my upmost sympathies.

Yes I think these behaviours obviously come about for a reason and in my SDs case i think it is from a sense of entitlement due to how she has been parented by her father. Lots of other reasons too. I’ve spent similar moments with my head in a spin trying to rationalise her behaviour but it’s so irrational it’s enough to make you go mad yourself! I agree wine and separation time are probably the only answers and certainly have been for me over the years (not too much wine though….) I think a lot of teenagers have narcissistic traits as they’re prone to being very self absorbed so I’ve put a lot down to that over the years and my SDs resentment of me, but obviously she’s not a child anymore. And her behaviour is the same with her mum and dad so not unique to me now.
She can be very charming though but I’m always wondering now what’s going on beneath the surface and whether the charm is mostly a facade. She does only seem charming when everything is going her way. Life is likely to get harder for her once she moves out and needs to be independent. That means you for all your advice though I think knowledge of others similar experiences is so helpful. Helps me feel less alone at least.

You’re definitely right that this kind of thing is likely the product of her parenting.

Post-divorce parenting can be really problematic. Disney parenting is not good for anyone. Toxic dynamics and fear, obligation and guilt are not a good basis for a parenting relationship. I’d wager that disproportionately these parenting processes produce problems that persist in the children throughout life.

@fireburnsbright don't get my wrong charm is part of it. The family member I'm referencing is highly charming, most people love her on instant ... after a while not so much...